Jack lay on the couch quietly stewing. He wanted to go upstairs and beg for forgiveness and tell her what she wanted to hear, but he knew that he couldn't make her the promises she needed to hear, that he'd never be able to promise that what happened today would never happen again. Jack knew these things about himself and his chosen profession and he knew he could run upstairs and offer a genuine apology along with some empty promises to put a band-aid on the situation, but he didn't want band-aids, he didn't want Kate to want to be with anyone other than the real him. He was certain that changing who he was, who he'd warned her he was, wasn't an option so he'd shut down on her, ready to accept that he wasn't the man she thought he was or that he could ever be the man she needed him to be.
By midnight he was still awake, still stewing and accepting of the idea that it was about to be just him and Conner again because that was how it was supposed to be. Conner began to stir and then whimper. Jack turned the lamp on.
"Daddy, I'm sick." Conner cried and then threw up before Jack could get over to him.
"Damn it." Jack mumbled as he peeled the soiled blanket off of Conner.
"I'm sorry daddy I didn't mean to." Conner said sadly, snapping Jack out of his selfish, angry mood.
"It's okay buddy, I know you couldn't help it." Jack said sweetly.
Most of the vomit had landed on the blanket so Jack rolled it up and carefully placed it out in the garage until he had time to deal with it. He returned with a fresh bowl of warm soapy water and cleaned the traces of vomit from Conner's chest, neck, face and shoulder.
"Feel better?" Jack asked.
"I'm cold daddy." Conner said through his red, glassy eyes.
Jack carefully picked the child up and carried him over to the couch where he'd been stewing. He held Conner close to his chest and put the blanket he was using over him and continued to hold him, rubbing a soothing hand over the outside of the blanket.
"Will you stay with me until I feel better daddy?" Conner asked.
"I promise. Go back to sleep." Jack said.
"No daddy, not just now. Please don't go to work." Conner pleaded managing to drive the knife into Jack's heart.
"I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm going to stay home with you." Jack said.
"Promise." Conner pushed.
"I promise." Jack said determined that he'd quit his job before he'd break this promise.
"Daddy." Conner said his voice groggy, but inquisitive.
"Yes Conner." Jack replied.
"How come you didn't come fix me today?" Conner asked, officially twisting the knife.
"I'm not allowed to fix you son, it's against the rules, but I should have been there to make sure you weren't scared." Jack explained.
"I was scared, but Kate made me think about fun stuff instead of the scary stuff." Conner told him.
"She did huh? Did it work?" Jack asked.
"Some, but it's not the same as when you make stuff not scary. Is it true you love your work more than you love me? Is that why you didn't come make me not scared today?" Conner asked.
The question hit Jack like a ton of bricks. Conner had obviously heard Jenna bad mouthing him at some point; that, coupled with the guilt over having made his child feel neglected and unimportant was making him feel like he might suffocate. Kate was right, what he'd done today was incomprehensible and bordering on unforgivable. He needed to stop worrying about what kind of man Kate needed/wanted him to be and focus on becoming the father Conner needed him to be because Kate's issues with him weren't about what kind of man he was, but what kind of father he was purposely choosing to be.
"I love you more than anything Conner. I should've been there for you today. I made a bad decision. Sometimes daddy really screws up and I'm sorry and I promise you that I won't let you down again." Jack told him, hugging him tighter, his voice cracking as he fought his tears of regret, wishing there was some way he could project all the love he felt for his son into the tight embrace he currently held him in.
"Don't be sad daddy, it's okay." Conner said, realizing his father was upset.
Jack loosened his grip on Conner and looked down at him, looking into his son's eyes and seeing entirely too much of himself in them, seeing the need to feel guilty because you forced your father to see himself and his flaws and hurt him in the process and he didn't want Conner to carry that kind of senseless guilt around. He kissed the top of Conner's head and kept a strong reassuring arm and hand wrapped around him.
"I am sad because I know I made a mistake, not because of anything you said Conner. You are the best thing in my life and you should be upset with me for not being there. You aren't wrong to feel mad about it. I was wrong. You are my little boy and nothing in this world should ever keep me from being there when you need me and I'm so sorry about that and I hope that some day you will forgive me." Jack told him.
"I'm not mad at you daddy. I love you." Conner told him.
"I love you too Conner and things are going to be better for you. I promise." Jack said.
"I'm tired daddy." Conner said through a yawn as he started to drift off to sleep again.
Jack guessed the nausea most likely brought on by the pain meds is what woke him up. He watched him settle back into a restful sleep and carried him upstairs to his bedroom. He tucked him safely into his bed, kissed him on the forehead and left the room.
Jack approached his bedroom door slowly, not sure if he was hoping she was asleep or hoping she might be awake. He entered the room and she appeared to be asleep. He walked quietly to his side of the bed, stripped down to his boxers and quietly eased himself into the bed. He pulled the comforter over his chest and lie still, eyes staring at the ceiling, slowly adjusting to the darkness of the room, the only light coming from the full moon and stars that he noticed through the open shutters on the bedroom windows.
"Is he okay?" Kate asked startling him.
"I think the pain meds upset his stomach, but he's resting now." Jack said.
"We need to talk Jack." Kate said.
"I know." Jack said.
Kate rolled over and he rolled onto his side. They were facing one another in the darkness, but it wasn't too dark for her to see the torment in his eyes.
"Jack, talk to me." Kate pleaded.
"What do you want me to say Kate? You were right. What I did today was inexcusable and I can only hope that for Conner's sake I actually learned from it and will make a better decision the next time." Jack said.
"Is it really so difficult Jack?" Kate asked, her tone calm not antagonizing, telling him she really wanted to understand what makes him tick and not make assumptions about why he makes the choices he makes.
"It shouldn't be and you're right to question what kind of man could ignore that his child is crying for him." Jack said, his tone solemn, regretful.
"Then why is it so difficult Jack? Can you help me understand why it is even a choice for you so that I can understand you better?" Kate asked.
"Do you want to understand me better Kate? Are you suggesting that you might be interested in staying in this relationship, in the possibility of a lifetime of difficult situations like today's?" Jack asked.
"I'm sorry if my honesty hurt you Jack, but if we can't be honest with each other we aren't going to last." Kate told him.
"Honest is point blank telling me I completely sucked as a father today Kate and yes it hurt to hear it from both you and Conner, but I appreciate that both of you trust me enough to just put it out there. I know that I need to be a more doting father and that you want that from me and I can handle you getting in my face and telling me when I screw up." Jack argued.
"Then why did you get so upset and shut down on me?" Kate asked.
"Because you took it to the next level and raised the stakes by threatening to not see this through. I can't, no I won't be in a relationship where one of us gets to threaten to quit when the going gets rough. I could commit to you right this minute Kate and the only way I'd ever regret that commitment is if I had to deal with the pain and worry that you will throw in the towel when the waters get choppy and believe me they will." Jack explained.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I was upset. You didn't see him. He's so lonely Jack and he just wants to be a part of your life and yeah, I admit it, a part of me wants to punch you in the stomach for having this beautiful little boy that worships you that you take for granted when mine is laying in a cold dark grave." Kate said becoming emotional and noticing that for the first time he didn't immediately pull her in to his arms and try to comfort her.
"I don't take him for granted Kate. Yes, I screwed up bad today but god damn don't ever accuse me of taking my son for granted because I can listen to that kind of cruel bullshit from my in-laws seven days a week and I don't want or need to hear it from you." Jack said his tone angry, not hurt.
Kate didn't say anything. She lay quietly sobbing just a few inches away from him, the urge to comfort her nearly more than he could resist, but he had to stay firm. He knew she was hurting, but he couldn't allow her to use his relationship with Conner as her weapon, her way of dealing with whatever was causing the hurt tonight.
"What's going on Kate? I know a great deal of this fight we're having is all on me, but there's more going on here than my screw up. Talk to me." Jack pleaded.
"Jack, how could I just move on and forget about my baby so quickly?" Kate asked.
"What makes you think you've forgotten about TJ?" Jack asked softening his tone.
"Jack it was all too easy today, well except for the accident of course. Conner told me I'm the only woman you've kissed since his mother so I should marry you. Your son needs a mother so bad and he's just begging me to please want to be his mother with those big brown eyes and there's this part of me that wants to promise him that the life his young mind dreams about is within his grasp because I want it too and how could I? Jack my little boy died and it hurts so much I can't stand to be inside my own skin most of the time so how can I want what Conner wants?" Kate asked.
"Did you just propose to me?" Jack asked with a slight smile, attempting to lighten things up.
"Just forget it." Kate grumbled and rolled over.
Jack scooted toward her, wrapping his large, warm protective arm around her and pulling her into his chest. He kissed the top of her shoulder lightly before allowing his head to relax on the pillows beside hers.
"I think that no matter what happens here Kate, whether we get married and have seven more children or if we eventually split up and go our separate ways, TJ is always going to be a part of you, a part of your life and a part of your heart. His picture is right there beside the bed. He hasn't been forgotten. It's called moving on. You don't ever get over it, but you do move on and you are moving on. You were a wonderful mother to your son and you'd be a wonderful mother to mine if that's what you decide, but you would never be the same kind of mother to Conner or to any future children you might have that you were to TJ. He was special and what you had with him was special and nothing will ever replace that in your heart." He told her.
"You always seem to have a logical answer for the insanity inside my head, a logic born out of experience. I hate that your advice comes from such a personal place Jack because I know you didn't have anyone to help you understand what was happening to you. It makes me sad to think about you being completely alone with this small baby and nobody to share your pain. I hope some day you'll tell me about Emily, what you loved about her, what parts of her shine through in Conner. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't share your memories of her with me." Kate said.
"So, does that mean you plan on sticking around?" Jack asked.
"I love you Jack, I want to understand you better, understand why today was such a difficult decision for you. Maybe if I understand where you're coming from I can help you recognize when you're about to screw up and vice versa." Kate said.
"A woman offering to try to understand me as well as help me stop screwing up is something I better pounce on." Jack chuckled.
"So you like the idea of being nagged? Do you really think you need that Jack?" Kate asked.
"You've seen me in action Kate, what do you think?" Jack asked.
"I think you just need someone to love you." Kate said sweetly and kissed him.
"So are you offering?" Jack his tone dead serious.
"Am I offering what?" Kate asked.
"To love me." Jack said.
"I already do." Kate said.
"But do you want to try to love all of me, including the father that wouldn't leave his patient to be with his son." Jack asked.
"Are you suggesting I take the bad with the good Jack?" Kate laughed lightly.
"I'm asking you if you're willing to take the bad with the good." Jack asked.
Kate rolled over to face him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.
"That depends. Do I get to spank you when you're really bad?" Kate asked making him chuckle.
He rolled her onto her back and kissed her deeply, intensifying the kiss as she opened up for him, their tongues touching and tasting one another as the familiar ache for another began to take over, body temperatures rising as their physical desires, coupled with their emotional desires took on the sensation of something close to unquenchable.
He wasted no time moving his hands inside the shirt she was wearing, her soft skin under his fingertips increasing his state of arousal. He pushed the t-shirt up, bunching it around her neck, exposing her breasts to him, his eyes, dark with need looking into hers just before he began slowly and sensually caressing her breasts with his hands while his wet mouth covered each nipple, sucking gently, his tongue teasing the nub, making it hard enough to suck into his teeth and then pull back, blowing lightly on the wet area, making her moan and squirm beneath him.
While his mouth continued to tease and tantalize the top half of her body, his hand moved down to the bottom half, slipping inside her panties and pushing them down and away from what he wanted. He slipped his long fingers down over her mound and between her legs, testing her wetness, wanting to be inside of her now, but not wanting to hurt her. He felt the flood of moisture cover his hand and groaned, the idea of being buried in there consuming his thoughts.
He sat up on his knees and pulled her panties away from her, spreading her legs in front of him while he got comfortable between them, looking at her and smiling and he pushed his boxers down to his knees, moving forward and slowly pushing himself into her, both of them moaning loudly, the sensation making them quiver and take a deep breath.
He held himself above her, arms flexed and pushing himself in and out, watching her face and leaning in to kiss her once in awhile, moving in closer and whispering into her ear to come for him and smiling as he felt her clench around him and dig her fingernails into his back just below the shoulders.
They continued to make love, slowly and steadily, him never breaking rhythm and only taking his eyes off of her to kiss her. Before Jack she would've been slightly unnerved by a man watching her so intently, wanting and needing to visually experience her most intimate and private moments with him, but there was so much love and honesty in his eyes that she found it drew her closer to him and she realized that while she'd loved men before, she'd never truly been in love before now.
They climaxed together and he buried his face in the pillows beside her, staying inside of her and allowing his body to relax. He finally pulled back and looked into her eyes, searching and studying.
"So what do you say Kate? Are we going to do this, try to be a threesome for awhile and maybe a family eventually?" Jack asked his gaze never leaving hers.
"Before I answer you have to tell me something." Kate said.
"What?" He asked.
"How come me?" Kate asked.
"How come you what?" Jack asked.
"How come you let Conner see you kiss me and never any other woman?" Kate asked.
"I don't know, I guess because from the moment I first kissed you it just felt right, that what we had was natural and good and that it was okay to allow my son to witness us because he'd feel the same way about it." Jack explained, watching her eyes melt into his, the sweetness and sincerity of what he'd just said making her emotional.
"I want to love all of you Jack, the good and the bad and I promise not to quit on you if you promise not to quit on me." Kate said.
"Why would I quit on you?" He asked.
"You wouldn't be the first man that has quit on me Jack and let's be realistic here, I'm a blubbering pile of irrationality these days." Kate told him.
"No you're not." He objected sweetly and kissed her.
"Then how would you describe me?" Kate asked.
"I would describe you as very soft, sweet, sexy, kissable, edible and huggable as well as sad, broken, vulnerable and trying to survive the moments of extreme pain and guilt that can be so intense everything feels hopeless." Jack said.
"Actually, you keep me from sinking into hopelessness. That's pretty big Jack, giving someone hope when it doesn't seem to exist. Are you sure you want to carry that load?" Kate asked.
"Positive." Jack said and let her swallow him in another deep, long passionate kiss that was about to lead to more sex when they heard Conner crying out again.
Jack jumped up immediately, threw some pants on and headed for the door. Kate quickly got up and redressed so she could help him. She stood just inside Conner's bedroom door watching Jack check him out.
"My arm hurts daddy." Conner whimpered.
"I know it does. Will you eat something for me so I can give you some medicine?" Jack said.
"No daddy, I'll throw up. My tummy hurts and so does my head and I have to pee." Conner complained, experiencing levels of uncomfortable that would bring most men to their knees.
"He's running a fever. Kate, there is some children's Tylenol in the cupboard above the coffee pot. Would you mind getting me a couple of them, one of his pain pills and a glass of milk?" Jack asked quietly.
"Sure." Kate said and disappeared.
Conner sat up, climbed off the bed, took a few steps and stumbled into Jack's arms.
"Where are you going bud?" Jack asked.
"To the bathroom." Conner said.
"You're pretty wobbly you want some help?" Jack asked.
"Yes." Conner sighed too tired and too uncomfortable to walk himself to the bathroom.
Jack carried Conner to the bathroom and helped him take care of business. He carried him back into his bedroom and lay him back down. Kate entered the room a few minutes later with a glass of milk and the pills. She handed them to Jack and sat on the other side of Conner. She looked at the fingers on the arm that was in the cast and noticed how swollen they were and then looked at Jack.
"I know. We need to keep his arm elevated and see if we can reduce the swelling." Jack said as he tried to help Conner sit up so he could take the pill.
"No daddy, I don't want it." Conner cried and refused to sit up.
"I know you don't feel well son, but this isn't helping." Jack said in a somewhat sterner voice attempting to calm Conner down enough to get the medicine in him.
Jack finally managed to get him sat up. He was cranky, hurting and a little out of it. Jack brought the glass milk and the pills to him. Conner swatted the glass of milk away and Jack lost his grip on it, the whole thing spilling all over Conner and his bed, upsetting Conner more than he already was.
"God damn it." Jack mumbled and stood up.
"I'll go get you some more milk." Kate said and left the room.
"I'm sorry dad." Conner whimpered.
"It's okay. It was an accident. Come on, let's you cleaned up." Jack said as he lifted the boy out of the bed and stood him up in front of him.
He stripped his milk soaked pajama pants and underwear off of him and dressed him in some dry clothes. He carried Conner into his bedroom and sat him in the center of the bed. Kate returned with a fresh glass of milk.
Conner saw the milk and the pills and began crying again and Jack was quickly losing his patience.
"Conner what's wrong? You never fuss this much over taking a pill." Jack asked the child.
"My throat hurts daddy. I can't swallow." Conner cried.
"Show me." Jack said holding the boy's jaw and looking into his mouth while Conner did his best to stick his tongue out for him. Jack sighed and let go him.
"What's wrong?" Kate asked.
"I can't be sure, but it looks like strep, smells like it too." Jack said.
"What should we do?" Kate asked.
"He's already on an anti-biotic for the cut on his head so it should take care of it, but getting him to swallow is going to be next to impossible." Jack groaned.
"I have an idea." Kate said and left the room.
Jack laid Conner back on the pillows and watched helplessly as he cried and begged his daddy to make his arm stop hurting. Kate reentered the room with a small bowl and a spoon.
"What's that?" Jack asked.
"I took one of those pudding cups in the refrigerator, put it in a bowl and added a little milk to make it a little less thick. I used to do this TJ. He was too little to swallow pills so I'd hide them in the pudding. It's cold so it should feel good on his throat and they don't try to chew pudding so it, along with the pill slides right down." Kate said as she inserted his pain pill into a spoonful of the pudding.
Jack helped Conner sit up and watched as Kate held the spoonful of pudding up and convince him to open up and swallow it and smiled at how she managed to get him to not only do it once, but three times. He let Conner relax back onto the pillows and stood up.
"I'm going to go put clean sheets on his bed." Jack said.
"No daddy, don't leave. I want to sleep with you." Conner cried.
Jack lay down on the bed next to Conner and kissed him on the cheek.
"You can stay here until you fall asleep. Okay?" Jack said.
"No daddy, lay down with me and stay. Please." Conner pleaded.
"He's so sick Jack, let him sleep with you. I'll go sleep in his bed." Kate offered.
"You don't have to…." Jack started to object.
"I know I don't have to, I want to. He told me once he likes to sleep with you when he's feeling sad or scared and I understand why. Nothing feels safer than being snuggled up next to you." Kate said and smiled at him.
"You sure you don't mind?" Jack asked.
"I'm positive. Good night Conner." Kate said and kissed him gently on the forehead.
"No, you stay too. Please." Conner pleaded.
Kate looked at Jack.
"Yeah Kate, you stay too." Jack chimed in and smiled at her.
They settled Conner into the middle of the bed, making sure to get his arm propped up and then they lay down, one on each side of him, Jack on the left so he could keep an eye on his arm and Kate on the right. They each kissed him on the forehead and encouraged him to go back to sleep.
"Nite daddy, I love you." Conner said and yawned, the pain medicine starting to relax him.
Kate felt Conner's hand grab a handful of her t-shirt just below her rib cage. He looked at her through glassy eyes.
"Nite Kate, I love you too." Conner said and closed his eyes.
Jack could see that he had a handful of her shirt and he heard what he said to her. He quickly turned off the lamp and wondered if he managed to plunge them into darkness before Kate saw the tears in his eyes.