Jack watched Kate struggle to answer Conner's question. That she was struggling to find the right answer meant that she didn't have the answer Conner wanted to hear so he finally spoke up, trying to find an answer that would satisfy Conner and let Kate off the hook.
"Conner, I have to ask Kate to marry me before she can say whether or not she wants to be your mom." Jack said.
"Ask her." Conner insisted.
"No, not yet, we aren't ready to get married." Jack said.
"Why?" Conner asked in a disappointed tone.
"It's grown up stuff you wouldn't understand Conner." Jack told him.
"Do you want me to eat lunch with you tomorrow?" Kate asked.
"No." Conner sighed and scooted out of Jack's lap.
"Where are you going?" Jack asked.
"To play." Conner said.
"I don't think so son. I didn't like the way you behaved today. I know you were upset, but you can't be hateful and disrespectful to people just because you are upset." Jack told him.
"I'm sorry daddy." Conner said turning his tears back on.
"Okay, but you should stay in your room and think about why you are sorry. You can come out later and have some dinner and then I think you should probably go to bed early. Tomorrow you won't be being punished anymore. Okay?" Jack told him, his tone firm, but not threatening.
Jack stood to leave. He watched Conner sadly sit at the small table that was in his room. He had to turn away before it got to him and he caved. Kate grabbed his forearm.
"Jack, don't you think you're being a little too hard on him?" Kate asked.
"No, I don't. I don't smother him with unrealistic rules and expectations, but respect is something I expect and he knows being disrespectful means he's going to be punished." Jack defended himself as he pulled her out of the room and closed the door.
"He looks so sad and he was upset, can't you cut him some slack?" Kate asked wishing she could take it back before she finished saying it.
Jack looked at her hard and put his hand on her stomach.
"I don't get a say in what happens to this one, but right now I am the only parent Conner has so my decisions aren't up for debate." Jack said with a hint of anger in his voice and walked away from her.
She followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen where he grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator, unscrewed the cap and took a long drink.
"What do you want from me Jack?" Kate snapped.
"I don't want anything from you Kate, don't you get that yet?" Jack replied.
"Bullshit! You want me to fix your pathetic life, be the dutiful little doctor's wife and mother to your lonely son and how ever many more kids you can manage to get me to have. All we need is a white picket fence and fucking dog and we're right where you want to be!" Kate yelled.
"If that's how you feel then why don't you leave Kate? Conner and I will be fine without you and I know I sure as hell don't want a woman in my bed because she thinks I'm pathetic and that she's got no greater purpose in life than to fulfill some dream life that until a few seconds ago I wasn't even aware I wanted." Jack said hatefully.
"I thought we weren't going to quit on each other Jack." Kate said.
"It's not quitting. It's accepting reality. You just called me pathetic Kate. If that is how you see us we've got nothing here worth fighting for." Jack said.
"I'm sorry Jack, I don't think you're pathetic. I'm feeling cornered and lashed out unfairly. Two months ago I was a single mother with a dying child. Now I'm in a serious relationship, have a young boy wanting me to be his mother and am pregnant. Forgive me for feeling a bit overwhelmed." Kate said.
"You aren't the only one feeling overwhelmed Kate. Do you think I want a baby? Do you think I enjoy dodging Conner's constant questions or watching him want something so bad and not be able to give it to him? I understand it is all happening too fast for you, that you haven't had a chance to deal with your grief, but I honestly don't know how to slow it down. How do I make that little boy stop wanting you to be his mother? How do I undo a pregnancy neither of us wanted, but got anyway? How do I make the constant ache you feel for TJ less painful? How do I make you believe that I love you as much as I love that sad, lonely little boy and just want both of you to be happy?" Jack asked as he brushed past her and walked into the living room.
She wanted to kick herself. She'd really hurt his feelings and she didn't understand why she had lashed out at him in such a cruel manner. She followed him into the living room ready to do anything to make him believe she didn't mean what she had said, but once she sat beside him and got a good sense of just how hurt he was she had nothing to offer but tears.
Jack tried to ignore the tears, ignore the fact that she was melting down in front of him, but he couldn't, he loved her so much and couldn't stand to see her so distraught. He set his beer down, put his arm around her and relaxed back into the couch, pulling her back with him. She let her head rest on his upper chest just below his shoulder and they sat quietly for a few minutes, both taking some time to calm down and think before anymore hurtful words came out.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I'm so confused and I don't understand why you are upset about terminating a pregnancy that you don't want." Kate said.
"I'm not a big fan of abortions because a baby would be inconvenient. It seems like some thought should at least go into it. But, you aren't upset about my feelings on this baby, you're upset over what happened upstairs." Jack said.
"How do you make a five year old understand that people don't just get married and decide to be a family after just a couple of months." Kate said.
"I knew I was going to marry Emily a week after we started dating. I proposed after a month. She wanted the big church wedding so I waited and let her have her moment, but I would've married her the night I proposed. I'm a man that knows what he wants Kate and I want you and I want us to be a family so I don't know how to make Conner understand what I apparently don't understand myself." Jack admitted.
"It's too soon for me Jack. I can't, I'm sorry." Kate said.
"Is it too soon for you or do you have yourself convinced that it's too soon to be considered appropriate?" Jack asked.
"Jack, I……" Kate couldn't find the words.
"I'm not trying to be insensitive to the loss you've suffered Kate, but I've seen you with Conner, I've seen the way you look at him and the guilt you suffer later for allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling. Kate, allowing yourself to love another child is in no way disrespectful to your son. Allowing yourself to have another baby and be happy about it doesn't mean you've forgotten about TJ. The only person judging you is you and I think you're being too hard on yourself. I think you're a beautiful, wonderful courageous woman that was the best mother a sick little boy could've had and if I didn't believe you would be a positive influence in Conner's life I never would've let you get so close to him." Jack explained.
"Jack please don't force me to feel things I'm not ready to feel or have a baby I don't want." Kate pleaded.
"Kate, I'm not trying to force you to do anything. All I'm asking is that you stop denying your feelings, stop beating yourself up over some preconceived notions about how you should or shouldn't be feeling this many days, weeks, months or years after your son's death. TJ is gone, he's never coming back and you are going to feel that loss for the rest of your life, but you don't have to limit yourself to just feeling that, you need to make feeling that loss a part of you, but not let it define who you are." Jack stressed.
"So we're back to my original question. What do you want from me Jack?" Kate asked.
"I want you to be happy Kate, that's all, whether that is with me or without me. I'm offering a life with me and with Conner and whatever you want to make of it, whether that is pursuing a life-long career passion or devoting all your time and energy to being my love slave. All I'm asking is that you put your feelings about TJ in a safe place long enough to consider what it is you want from me, from us and take some time to really think about it, not just brush me and Conner and this baby to the side because you're afraid to love and lose again." Jack said.
"Did you just propose Jack?" Kate asked.
"No, but I plan to so if you don't want what I'm offering Kate, if it really is just too soon and Conner and I are making you miserable instead of happy, I hope you'll be honest with me because I do not want you to stay in this relationship if you are unhappy. We can take a break and you can take as much time as you need." Jack said.
"But we can't continue on like we are?" Kate asked.
"I think it's too hard on Conner and I think it's too hard on you." Jack offered.
"But it's not too hard on you?" Kate said.
"No, I know what I want from this relationship Kate and coming home to you every night is great and not something I struggle with. Watching you with Conner makes me smile and going to work knowing he's with you and is safe is a peace of mind I've never known as a father. A baby wasn't exactly in my immediate plans, but what the hell the best things in life are often unplanned. The only part of this that is hard on me is watching how difficult all of it is for you and I sincerely want you to take a break if you need to and if you abort the baby I will be there with you and support you." Jack explained.
"So this isn't an ultimatum; you aren't forcing me to decide between you and Conner or nothing?' Kate asked.
"Of course not, I'm doing what I think is best for the two people in my life I care the most about by giving you space and time if that's what you need, thereby removing the constant reminder of the mommy Conner wants, but doesn't possess the patience to wait for." Jack said.
"So how long to do I have to make this decision?" Kate asked.
"Kate, it's not like that. All you need to determine is if there is a decision for you to make, if you are emotionally ready to love me and my son. If you aren't that's okay, you aren't going to lose me, I promise. I moved you into my house and thrust you into a caregiver role and maybe you needed some time alone. I thought I was taking care of you. I couldn't stand the idea of you dealing with such a terrible loss alone, but maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm really hurting you more than helping you." Jack said.
"Jack I do love you and Conner and you aren't hurting me. I think I would've gone crazy without you and all of your support, but you're right about Conner, this isn't fair to him and I should've answered his question earlier." Kate said.
"Why didn't you?" Jack asked.
"I didn't know what the right answer was." Kate admitted.
"Whatever is in your heart is the right answer." Jack said.
"You're right and its time for me to shut my brain off and figure out what is in my heart. I understand what you're asking of me now. I think I'll go for a drive, be alone for awhile. Okay?" Kate said.
"Just promise me you'll be careful and call me if you aren't coming home." Jack said.
"What are you going to do?" Kate asked.
"I think I'm going to go upstairs and let my son off the hook, do something fun with him." Jack said.
Kate didn't have to drive very far. She knew exactly where she wanted to go to think. She loved sitting on the beach and staring out across the ocean. She loved how small and insignificant the ocean could make her feel because it always helped her realize how small and insignificant her problems were compared to so many others. She sat in front of the water and watched the sun set before she drove to the restaurant where she worked before meeting Jack. She talked with a couple of her ex-co-workers over dinner and then she drove to the cemetery. She thought it would be creepy to be there at night, but it wasn't, it was as peaceful as anything she'd ever experienced so she stayed and she talked to TJ for a long time, finally resting her head on his headstone and falling asleep.
Meanwhile, Jack and Conner talked at length about his behavior and why it was unacceptable and then Jack let the boy off with a warning so they could spend some time together. He took him to the restaurant that had the large arcade built into it and played games with him for hours, winning as many tickets as they could so the child could cash them in on the junk toys they used for prizes. They ate dinner together and talked, Conner bombarding him with questions about marriage and stepmoms and babies and all the issues his young mind was too immature to adequately comprehend, but Jack did his best to simplify things enough to at least set his mind at ease. Conner fell asleep on the drive home so Jack decided to let him skip his bath and just put him to bed. He hadn't heard from Kate and was concerned but decided he wouldn't try to call her, that she needed for him to stop hovering and smothering her, regardless of how good his intentions were.
He drank a few beers and went to bed, tossing and turning without her lying beside him and wondering where she was. He heard the front door open around 1 AM and sighed with relief. He lay in the dark and listened as she slowly climbed the stairs and then finally entered the bedroom. He reached up and turned the lamp on, startling her.
"Did I wake you?" She asked.
"No, I wasn't asleep. You okay?" He said.
"Yeah, I fell asleep." Kate said.
"You fell asleep?" He asked.
"Yeah, in the cemetery of all places." Kate laughed.
"Kate." Jack replied in his disapproving, that's kind of dangerous tone.
She crawled onto the bed and kissed him.
"I know, not the smartest thing to do. I'm going to take a quick shower." Kate said and crawled back off the bed.
He turned the lamp off and turned the television on, passing the time by channel flipping. She came out of the bathroom in a t-shirt and panties and crawled into bed with him. She snuggled in beside him, letting him wrap his arm around her, enjoying the warmth and security she always felt being wrapped up in his arms.
"Mmm, you're warm." She said.
"You're soft." Jack said and yawned.
"Are you tired?" Kate asked.
"Not so much, what's on your mind?" He asked.
She propped herself up on his chest, looking down at him. She leaned in and kissed him allowing him to deepen the kiss, finally rolling her over onto her back and intensifying the kiss, both of them close to letting out groans of disappointment when they broke for air.
"Jack, we have to talk first." Kate said.
"Okay." He said and rolled back onto his back pulling her onto his chest again so she could look down at him.
"I thought a lot about everything and I know for sure that I do not want to go off alone and grieve over my son. I want to be happy and you and Conner make me happy. I want what you are offering Jack, but I want to be allowed to miss my little boy." Kate told him.
"Of course." Jack said.
"I will cancel the appointment and we can talk about this baby and make a decision together. I know that you think we should just have this baby and be happy about it, but I think you're also much smarter than that. This is going to be a very emotional decision for both of us. I haven't forgotten what you went through the last time sometime you loved accidentally got pregnant and how this must be bringing back some painful memories for you." She said.
"Okay, we'll talk about it." Jack agreed.
"If you want us to be a family Jack then you can't shut me out anymore when it comes to dealing with Conner. We need to work together to make things less confusing for him, to make him feel so secure that the Tonys of the world will never be able to rattle him like that again." Kate insisted.
"Okay, but I've been flying solo with him his whole life so you'll probably have to remind me that I actually have someone to share the load." Jack said.
"No problem, I'll just smack you the next time you get all dictatory." Kate teased.
"I'm not a dictator." Jack argued.
"My decisions aren't up for debate? Sounds pretty dictatory to me." Kate laughed.
"Touché. I was upset. Sorry." Jack apologized.
"I have one more request." Kate said.
"What's that?" He asked.
"You have to be my love slave, not the other way around, starting right now." She said and kissed him.
"I can live with that." He said with a grin, pulling her in for another kiss and rolling her onto her back.
He began nuzzling his way down while his hands pushed her shirt up, nipping lightly at the exposed flesh.
"I have an idea of how to help Conner tomorrow." Kate said in a breathy tone as she felt his mouth close over one of her nipples.
"What's that?" He said softly as he moved his mouth to the other breast and slowly moved his hot, wet tongue over the nub, feeling her squirm beneath him.
"Do you trust me Jack?" Kate asked biting her lip as his fingers moved to latch onto to the waistband of her panties.
"Yes." He answered in a hot, breathy tone, moving his mouth down her stomach while his hands began pulling her panties down.
"Good, then trust me on this. Conner will have a good day tomorrow." Kate insisted her voice pitch changing as she felt his mouth move down to over her crotch as his hands pulled her panties down to her ankles and off.
"Mmmm." Was his response as he moved his mouth slowly up her legs, kissing the inside of her thighs and letting his tongue glide through the crease where her leg and hip joined.
"Was that a yes?" Kate gasped as his tongued dipped through her crease, parting her wet lips and teasing her clit.
He moved his mouth up her body and covered her mouth with his, drawing her into a deep passionate kiss she felt all the way down to her toes. His tongue plunged deep, hungry and eager, yet tender and sensual and when he pulled away he was sure he heard her sigh and he smiled.
"Kate." He whispered.
"Yeah." She replied.
"Can we please talk about Conner later?" He said with a slight grin and brought their mouths together again, rolling them over and finally allowing her to sit up.
She pulled her t-shirt up and off and his hands immediately went to her breasts, cupping them with his large hands and gently massaging them. She leaned in again, their mouths crashing together this time, his strong hands moving over her lower back, applying just enough pressure to hold her close to him, his hardened length pressing into her thigh. He loved her so much it was overwhelming to him. His mind was completely mesmerized by her beauty and the soft feel of her skin draped over his and his body would respond to the slightest touch, her scent, the sight of her pushing her hair behind her ear and smiling at him. He was in so deep he knew he couldn't live without her and the risk he took earlier by offering to set her free for awhile was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but that she was back, that she'd chosen him and Conner and all the heartache and stress that came with the package was a reward that made the risk worthwhile to him and he swore at that moment that he'd do everything in his power to make sure she never regretted her choice.
He rolled her onto her back again, slowing their wild frenzied kissing down to the deep, wet enthusiasm that was always the prelude to intense passion-filled lovemaking and she felt her stomach jump in anticipation of what was to come. She slid her hands over his hard body, down his sides and into the waistband of his boxers, pushing them down over his hips and slowly gliding her hands to his front, wrapping her fingers around his erection gently and moaning into his mouth, smiling at the way it made his cock twitch in her hands his tip immediately wet with precum that she slowly rubbed her thumb through, spreading the moisture over his swollen head and moaning into his mouth again.
He felt her push him down to her opening, slowly gliding his tip up through her wet, slippery crease and back down, leaving him in position to enter her, making him moan into her mouth and push himself inside of her. Her hot, wet slippery walls enveloped him and he lost the ability to see or breathe for a moment and when she opened wider, lifted her hips and allowed him to slip in deeper his ability to breathe returned as he let out a lengthy breath, grabbing two handfuls of the sheets beneath him and fought to regain his focus.
"It's okay Jack, let it go." Kate coaxed in a soft, sexy tone that put him over the edge.
She felt the release just before he put his head down and allowed himself to come completely, his body jerking against hers, the feel of it bringing her close to release. His head was swimming but he could feel her starting to tighten around him. He reached down between them and rubbed her clit gently, bringing her to orgasm and by the sounds she was making a powerful orgasm.
They both lay still, him still inside her, the sex over before it even began and he finally chuckled lightly.
"Sorry about that." He said and started to move off of her, stopped by her hands holding firmly to his butt cheeks.
"Now that we have that out of the way, how about you just stay right where you are and we'll see how long it takes your batteries to recharge." She said.
"Are you sure? It's pretty late and you haven't been feeling well." Jack said.
"I'm sure stud. Don't pamper, just kiss me." Kate said with an ornery grin.
He smiled and began kissing her again and neither were surprised that it didn't take very long for him to recharge, the intense passion-filled lovemaking that the earlier kiss had promised was fulfilled not once, but twice, both finally collapsing into each others arms around 3 AM and neither moving until the alarm clock startled Jack awake.
Jack showered, woke Conner, fed him and helped him get ready for school. He decided to let Kate sleep, never having the chance to discuss what she had in mind for Conner, but trusting that whatever it was would probably be better than anything he could come up with, that she could read, understand and handle children with an expertise he knew he'd never possess wasn't lost on him and just one more thing about her that he loved. He left Kate a note, telling her he took Conner to school and that he'd call her later, gathered up his son and left.
Conner was sitting in the cafeteria of the small private school with two other children and his teacher. He looked sad and uninterested in what was happening around him. He felt his teacher nudge him gently and he looked up. Kate was walking toward the table. He didn't smile or get overly excited, after all Kate was just Kate and Tony, who was sitting beside him, wouldn't hesitate to remind him of that. Kate reached the table and kneeled down beside Conner.
"I missed you this morning. Can I have a hug?" Kate asked.
Conner hugged her quickly and pulled away.
"You're not Conner's mom." Tony said very matter-of-factly.
"Tony, be quiet." The teacher said.
"No sweetie I'm not, but I wish I was." Kate said.
"You do?" Conner asked, his entire face brightening at the news.
"I do, but only if that's what you want Conner." Kate said.
"Are you getting married to my daddy?" Conner asked excitedly.
"I don't know when, but yes we talked about getting married. What do you think? I know I'm not your real mom, but I love you like you were my very own little boy and would love to be your new mommy if that's okay with you." Kate said.
"Yes!" Conner exclaimed and let Kate scoop him up into her arms hugging him tightly and smothering his face with kisses.
She finally set him back down, the sad dejected little boy she'd seen the night before no where to be found and as difficult as she thought this decision would be she realized how simple it had been and how much she loved this child, yet still felt the love for her own son as strong as ever. Jack was right, she could still grieve for her child without allowing it to define who she was and at that moment she was happy that she and Jack had such a nasty fall out the night before. She was glad that Jack had been brave enough to set her free if that's what she wanted because she realized that it was Jack and Conner that were setting her free and that denying them and the love she had for them would only trap her in a state of loneliness and misery she wanted no part of.