2.

House was sitting at his desk when Wilson found him, his feet set firmly on the floor. He didn't appear to be doing anything, didn't look up as Wilson took a seat opposite him, just stared down at his desk. Or rather at something sitting on his desk, Wilson realised, as he followed House's gaze.

He frowned and reached over for it.

"What's this?"

He didn't get an answer - he didn't need one. His eyes widened as he held the bag up and turned it around, taking in its contents: a white plastic stick, with a little panel at one end displaying two blue lines.

He blinked a few times. "I guess a better question is, whose is this?"

At that House smirked. "Mine."

"You're kidding."

"I never kid about impending parenthood."

Bemused and still half-convinced it was a joke, Wilson put the pregnancy test back down and leaned back in his chair. "Okay... So who's the lucky girl?"

"You mean, whose pee is on that stick?"

"Yes, that's what I mean," he said, rolling his eyes. But House's answer wasn't immediately forthcoming and so he prompted, "Anyone I know?"

Still no answer. House reached out and grabbed the ball from its place of honour and passed it back and forth between his hands as he continued to stare at the plastic bag and its innocent-seeming contents.

"House?" Wilson ventured again warily. House was behaving oddly. He had the growing suspicion that maybe this wasn't a joke. It was a lot to wrap his head around - especially since he wasn't aware that House was even seeing anyone. "Oh my god," he said suddenly, "you and Cameron didn't -"

"It's not Cameron. Like I'd throw myself in front of that train wreck," House replied almost absently, as he turned the ball over and over in his hands.

"Well it's been months since Stacy left and I can't imagine she would have left it this long to tell you if..." he trailed off, eyebrows raised as House threw the ball vigorously at the wall, catching it as it rebounded towards him. "Okay, not Stacy then. Well... there's really only one other woman you interact with on a regular basis. But it can't be -"

He stopped talking as House's eyes flickered up at him. He didn't have to say it, it was all right there in that look.

He gaped back at House. "Holy... Oh my... Cuddy? Are you kidding?" he spluttered in disbelief. "I don't... I mean, when did that even happen?"

"Apparently it happened exactly when it shouldn't have," House replied, evading the question in his usual manner. "I've always had perfect timing. Or perfectly disastrous timing. Depending on how you look at it."

"I can't believe it."

"Which part - the part where we made a baby or the part where we hooked up at all?"

"Both? I mean, how long has this been going on? And since when don't you know how to use a condom?"

House rolled his eyes. "I did use a condom."

"Then how -"

"The first time. The second time, however, a few hours later, is a little hazier and was apparently also a lot less safe," he quipped, and then he sagged in his chair, letting out a heavy breath. He rubbed at his forehead, closing his eyes as if in pain, and confessed, "It was just that one night."

"I take it you were drunk, then."

"Oh, how well you know me."

"So let me get this straight. You got drunk, had unprotected sex with Cuddy, and now she's pregnant."

He shrugged. "Well she came in here and dumped that in front of me. And then she ran off looking like she was going to hurl. I used my superior intellect to deduce the rest."

There was a pause, then, as they both considered the enormity of the situation. Finally, Wilson spoke up again.

"I can't believe you slept with Cuddy and didn't tell me about it."