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Jack sat alone in the living room, the quietness of the house deafening to him. He'd always been a thinker and pretty much a planner as well as decisive, but at the moment thinking, planning and deciding seemed like foreign concepts. His father's obsessive need to run his life had finally crossed a line and had potentially put him and his family in danger. He couldn't help but consider that maybe it was time to break all ties with his father, transfer to another hospital perhaps even another state. This was a decision he never wanted to have to seriously consider even though getting out from under his father's oppressive thumb would probably be the best thing for him and his career. Jack sighed to himself and decided that the idea that children love their parents no matter what wasn't just some crazy notion, but true and for people like himself a debilitating emotional flaw.
His thoughts turned to Kate. He'd dived into an extremely emotional situation with both feet and never looked back. He'd like to say it was careless on his part; that absolutely no thinking or planning went into his decision to pursue a relationship with her and that was why he was currently sitting alone, not really shocked, but slightly taken aback at what she'd told him and wondering about an unplanned pregnancy. He'd love to brush off his current set of issues as just careless behavior on his part, but he knew that wasn't the case. Whether he'd been careless was irrelevant because he was in love with her and there was nothing she could do or say that would change that so how could allowing someone into your life that makes you happy be considered careless or wrong.
Then there was Conner. He'd allowed his son to get attached to Kate, to believe that he was finally going to have a mother and if things didn't work out his son would be crushed. Had he been careless and thoughtless there too or was he just following his instincts? Should a father follow his heart over his head when it comes to something this important? Conner had been as stable and happy as Jack had known him to be since Kate came into their lives and he couldn't deny that he himself was happier than he'd been since his wife died so did it matter that he was ready to get married and have a baby with a woman he realistically knew nothing about?
Jack let all these things rattle around in his brain and no matter what rationality he tried to apply to the different situations he came to the same conclusion every time. He was in love with her and would do anything for her and he felt nothing but sorrow for what she'd been though. It never occurred to him to feel angry about it or to doubt for one second that she was the victim, that her ability to love people and take care of people and always look for the good in people had led to the circumstances she found herself in.
Having given himself time to process all of it and realize that nothing had changed as far as his feelings for Kate went he decided to go upstairs and try to convince Kate that nothing had changed, a task he guessed would be met with resistance from her because the forgiveness that Kate sought existed only in her mind. The only person upset with Kate was Kate and she needed to find a way to forgive herself for all the things she wrongly blamed herself for.
She appeared to be asleep when he entered the bedroom so he quietly undressed and lay in the bed. She rolled over, kissed him good night and tried to scoot back to her side of the bed, but he held onto her and encouraged her to snuggle up next to him the way she liked to. With her head positioned over his heart, her arm draped over his stomach and her leg curled over his legs he brought his arm down and around her, holding her snugly. They stayed that way for awhile, him lightly moving his hand over her arm and her gently swirling her fingers through the hair on his stomach.
"Jack." She said softly.
"Yeah." He replied.
"Do you want to make love?" She asked.
"You never have to ask that." He chuckled.
"I'm serious Jack." She said.
"So am I. I always want to make love." He said.
"Well, with that broken hand you'll be around a lot more so you know what that means don't you?" Kate teased.
"Yeah, it means you'll have to be on top……..a lot." He laughed.
She pushed herself up and crawled on top of him. She leaned in and kissed him before reaching over him to turn the bedside lamp on.
"I know how much you hate making love in the dark." She told him as she pulled her nightshirt up and over her head.
He watched her perched above him, her bare chest begging to be touched while her hands moved over his chest, but her eyes didn't show the emotion that he normally saw there. It was as if for the first time since he'd met her she was confused about how to feel about him or how to connect with him not only physically, but emotionally.
She noticed the confused look on his face and in his eyes and it overwhelmed her that he was that in tune with her, that he could tell she was initiating sex because she didn't know what else to do. She felt like the closeness they shared had been shattered with her revelation, like he would never look at her the same and she missed her son. Seeing Eddie brought back so much pain. Knowing that she'd give anything just to hold her little boy one more time, to smell him while she cuddled him close to her bosom and comforted him and all his father wanted was money made her hate herself in a way she never had before and she broke down.
She sat on his stomach wearing nothing but her panties and began sobbing. Jack hadn't seen her this distraught since the day TJ died and it concerned him. He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, encouraging her to let him hold her, to allow herself to just fall and feel whatever it was she was feeling and allow him to catch her. She finally wrapped her arms around his neck and held tightly to him, her head resting on his shoulder and her crying nearing hysterics. He used his good hand to hold her from behind and rocked them gently, sitting in the middle of the bed, bare chest to bare chest, clinging to one another.
"Talk to me Kate." He said softly.
"TJ deserved to have a better father. He was such a beautiful little boy and the man who should've loved him, who should've been there when he was born and who should've been the man that made his last day on earth as happy as you made it for him only cares about cashing in on his death. I hate myself for doing this to TJ." Kate cried.
"I'm sorry he's putting you through this. I wish I could do something to stop it." Jack said.
"It's so sick Jack and it's my fault. I not only denied myself the enjoyment of sharing a pregnancy with someone who is happy about it, of experiencing the birth together and the joy of holding our child for the first time, I denied my baby his right to dignity which is so much worse than any unhappiness I inflicted on myself. What I've done to TJ is unforgivable. His father tried to sell him like a piece of used stereo equipment and now he's going to cash in on his death. How can you stand to be around me? I am so stupid for allowing this to happen?" She continued to cry, her breath hitching, so upset she was shaking.
"Kate, please stop beating yourself up for being you. You are kind and you always look for the good in people and some asshole took advantage of that. It doesn't make you stupid or bad. When I think about everything you went through with his illness, all the sacrifices you made for him and remember the two of you together that last day, I can't imagine not being around you. You are an amazing woman Kate." Jack told her.
"I don't feel very amazing Jack." Kate admitted, starting to calm down and relax into him.
He finally laid them both back, allowing her to slide off of him and settle in beside him, her face tear-streaked and by the way she was crinkling her forehead he guessed her head must've been pounding. He didn't bother to turn the lamp off. He just continued to hold her and watch her until she finally closed her eyes and found sleep. He lay beside her deep in thought for at least another hour before he allowed himself to sleep.
Jack woke early the next morning. He got the two boys up and moving around by promising to take them to breakfast and then to the Fun Palace, which was a large play facility with inflatables that allowed adults to participate with their kids if they wanted to. He left Kate a note telling her they'd be back some time that afternoon and hurried them out of the house before they made enough noise to wake her.
Jack sat in the play facility watching the two boys play together. His broken hand had allowed him to sit this one out, but since Conner had a playmate he wasn't disappointed. He made several phone calls while keeping his eyes on the kids and after a couple of hours he rounded them up for errand running with the promise of a trip to look at bicycles if they behaved. He didn't get out of the toy store without being easily persuaded into buying them something. He let them browse through the dozens of action figures of the latest and most popular themed movie or cartoon characters and bought each boy one along with their candy of choice.
Tony had been a little more talkative as the day went on and he warmed up to Jack, his face lighting up when Jack told him he could pick out an action figure and some candy. Jack spoke to Tony's stepmother and she told Jack he could keep Tony all weekend for all she cared, that the boy's father was out of town and she was sick of being saddled with kids every weekend. Jack politely informed her he'd bring Tony home the following day and ended the phone call.
He made one final stop at a local flower shop for a single red rose and took them home. They entered the home and Jack quickly gave up his attempt to keep them quiet, but it didn't matter, Kate was awake, showered and dressed. She was sitting on the couch reading a magazine and set it down when the boys excitedly approached her to show her their new toys. Jack stood back with the rose behind his back and watched her interact with the two children and when they set their toys and candy down and headed up the stairs he approached her. He leaned in and kissed her, handing her the rose before sitting down beside her.
"Thank you. Is this to thank me for initiating sex and not following through with it?" Kate asked.
"No, it's just to let you know you're always on my mind." He said sweetly.
"Eddie came by and beat on the door for awhile. I didn't answer it." Kate sighed.
"I'm going to take care of Eddie." Jack said.
"How are you going to do that?" Kate asked.
"Do you trust me Kate?" Jack asked.
"Yes." She answered.
"Good, then trust that I'm going to handle this and that he's not going to tarnish TJ's memory." Jack said.
"What've you got in mind Jack?" Kate asked.
"You know I have special plans for us this evening and I really don't want to talk about Eddie today, but I promise you that when Monday rolls around and I'm ready to deal with it, I will fill you in." Jack explained.
"Special plans? I'm intrigued." Kate said.
"You should be Ms. Austen because I've lined up my favorite teenager to come eat all of our food, drink all of our soda, make out with her boyfriend on the couch and keep an eye the boys for us." Jack told her and kissed her again.
"You let your babysitter have her boyfriend over?" Kate asked.
"I'm not even sure if she has a boyfriend right now, I just threw that in because I used to make out with my girlfriend while she was babysitting when I was a teenager." Jack answered with a grin.
"So where does this favorite teenager live and how do you know her?" Kate asked.
"She lives about three houses down and when she was about 13 she was always hanging around any time I was outside. I think she had a crush on me." Jack chuckled.
"That's kind of cute and I can't say I blame her. I have big crush on you too." Kate said and smiled at him.
"I think I got tossed aside for a jock with a letter jacket and loud car though." Jack said.
"Aw, I'm sorry, were you sad?" Kate teased.
"A little, she used to bring Conner and me Christmas cookies. I kind of miss those cookies." Jack said jokingly.
"I'm surprised the older women weren't the ones trying to win you over with food. A hot, sexy bachelor with a baby moving into the neighborhood had to have put a hussy bulls-eye on your back." Kate continued to tease him.
"A hussy bulls-eye?" Jack laughed.
"Oh sure, women have radar for sizzling hot bachelors and attempting to catch him is apt to make a gal act a little sleazier than normal." Kate informed him.
"You mean the hussy bulls-eye makes a woman try to seduce a guy on the first date?" Jack teased.
"Ha, I guess you got me there." Kate laughed.
"I'm just teasing you. You're forwardness was one of things about you that I found irresistible, because it was so obvious it was an act." Jack chuckled.
"So are you suggesting I'm a bad hussy?" Kate asked.
"You're a terrible hussy, but you are one beautiful, sexy, sweet woman." He said sweetly.
"You're kind of hot yourself stud, so where are we going tonight?" Kate asked.
"We are going out to eat. I made reservations for seven o'clock and after that we are going to a suite at a 5-star hotel where I will pamper you and hopefully make love to you for hours." Jack told her.
"We're going to check into a hotel for sex and then come home? That feels kind of sorted for some reason." Kate objected.
"It only feels sorted because you haven't seen it yet and we need some time to ourselves, time to enjoy each other without the threat of being interrupted by a five year old, time for me remind you how much I love you." Jack argued.
"Jack, you don't have to boost me up. Maybe I just need to feel like shit for awhile and hopefully learn from mistakes." Kate sighed.
"I'm not boosting you up Kate. I'm completely sincere and you have felt like shit long enough. Tonight you get to feel good. Let me make you feel as special as you are to me." Jack said and kissed her gently.
"You're too good to me Jack. Because of me you're going to miss out on the biggest surgery of your career. How can you not resent me for that?" Kate asked.
"I guess because it's still three weeks away and the reality of what I'm missing out on hasn't set in yet. I'm sure there will be some feelings of resentment Kate, because I'm human and can't control how I feel, but intellectually I know that this broken hand isn't your fault so if I start acting like an ass just remind me of this conversation and feel free to slap me." Jack said, making her smile.
"How about if I just spank you?" Kate teased.
"Mmm, that works for me. I need to go run one more errand. Will you be okay with the kids or do you want me to take them with me?" Jack asked.
"We'll be fine. Go do whatever you need to do." Kate said.
He stood, kissed her and left. Kate smiled, happy that they were going to go out on an actual date to a restaurant with real silverware and no chicken nuggets on the menu. She loved Conner and she loved the little family they had become, but she was ready for an adult evening and decided to go upstairs and find something nice to wear.
When they entered their hotel suite Kate gasped. There were pink rose petals everywhere; the furniture and the bed were covered with them. There were also pink balloons, some tied together in bouquets anchored with little storks and there were some single balloons floating around the room with tiny little babies tied to the end of them. Jack reached for a small bag that was on the table just inside the door and handed it to her.
"Jack what is all this?" Kate asked.
"Just open it." Jack insisted.
Kate looked into the little bag and pulled out a small pair of pink baby booties. She held them up in front of Jack, more confused than she was a few moments ago.
"Jack, have you lost your mind?" Kate finally asked.
"Kate, I know we haven't talked about the baby, but that's only because in my mind there is nothing to talk about." Jack explained getting interrupted by her almost immediately.
"Jack, we have to….." Kate argued and he silenced her by gently placing two fingers to her lips.
"I want to have this baby with you Kate. I want you to experience pregnancy with a man who is truly excited and who will be with you every step of the way. I want you to know how beautiful the moment is when we both hold our little girl and she looks back at us. I want to give you everything you never got to experience when you had TJ. I want to help you believe that it's okay to enjoy having another baby, that it's okay to love another baby and understand that while we'll make it special together, it won't change how special TJ's birth was to you. Please Kate, stop beating yourself up and allow yourself some happiness. Please let me make you as happy as you make me every minute of every day." Jack said, his voice cracking, his emotions real as his eyes began to tear up.
Kate felt her own tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. All the effort he had put into setting this room up, all the emotion he'd just expressed in that speech and most of all how he seemed to be so in tune with what she was feeling, what she was battling with emotionally. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him and followed that with a tight hug, his arms holding her firmly from behind and her taking a moment to enjoy feeling safe in his arms.
"You seem pretty sure this baby is a girl. Why is that?" Kate asked.
"Because you need time to let go of TJ before you give birth to another son." Jack said.
"That's a nice thought Jack, but what if it's a boy? Do you think I won't love it?" Kate asked.
"No, of course not, but I just know it's a girl. If I'm wrong you can make me your love slave for life." Jack said.
"You already are." Kate laughed.
"Yeah, I know, but I'll get you a plaque or something and make it official." Jack teased.
"You really don't play fair Jack. How am I supposed to not want to have this baby with you after all this?" Kate sighed.
"If you really don't want to have this baby with me, you won't. I'm giving you the emotional out you so desperately need. It's okay to want to have this baby Kate." Jack said.
"What makes you so smart about me?" Kate asked.
"I'm not; I just love you enough to work hard at understanding what's going on with you. So, what do you say? Are we going to have this baby?" Jack asked.
"I need time to think Jack. This is all so wonderful, but I need to make sure I know what I really want before I answer your questions." Kate said.
"That's fair and I have one more question for you to think about." Jack said as he lowered himself down onto one knee.
He pulled a ring box out of his pocket, opened it and held it up in front of her. Before he had a chance to get the proposal out she dropped down to her knees in front of him, clutching his arms and sobbing. He dropped his other knee to the floor and pulled her into his chest, his hand lightly holding to the back of her head while he kissed her lightly along the jaw line and spoke softly into her ear.
"It's too much Jack. I don't deserve this. Please just stop." She cried.
"Please marry me Kate." He said softly.
"This isn't fair! You can't do this to me Jack! God damn you and all your charm and romantic gestures!" Kate screamed at him, fighting to get away and him refusing to let go of her.
"Why can't I do this to you Kate? You aren't supposed to be loved? You aren't supposed to be happy, to be the center of someone's universe? Why is that Kate?" Jack asked holding tightly to her as she fought him.
"Because it's my fault Jack!" Kate cried.
"What is your fault?" Jack asked.
"It's my fault TJ is dead. I knew he was sick. I knew something wasn't right, but I waited, kept thinking it was just a stomach virus or a cold or that he was just tired from playing too hard. If I had taken him in sooner he would've had a better chance. My little boy never got to have a father that gave a damn about him and he never got to be happy and all of it was my fault. I don't deserve to be happy and I can't stand this. You have to stop it. Let me go Jack! I need to be by myself." Kate cried as Jack held firmly to her arm with his good hand.
"No Kate I am not going to let go. Blaming yourself for what happened to TJ is bullshit. Your son got very sick and it wasn't fair, but it wasn't your fault." Jack said sternly.
"What would you know about it Jack? You have no idea what it is like to watch your child hurt and not be able to do anything. I'm not worth all the trouble you've gone to Jack, please, this is a mistake. Just let me go." Kate pleaded.
"You're right I have no idea what it was like for you. I can't even begin to imagine and won't pretend I can relate to the pain you're dealing with, but five years ago the woman that meant everything in the world to me needed me to be there for her and I let her down. I won't make that mistake again Kate. You can push me away all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. You are worth whatever it takes and then some." Jack told her.
She fell forward into him, sobbing and clutching at the front of his shirt. He sat down on the floor, leaning against the table leg, pulling her down with him. When he had planned this evening he wasn't sure how Kate would react to it and the scenario that was playing out was one that he had considered. He'd been living with her, sleeping with her and making love to her nearly every day for over two months and he knew how fragile her emotional state was. He also knew she was holding back, that she was hurting and clobbering herself with self-inflicted guilt, he just didn't know why until now.
"Kate, I love you and I want to help you. I know this is all happening too fast for you and you don't have to give me an answer tonight. You take as long as you need. I just wanted you to know that my feelings for you haven't changed. That Eddie and your experiences with him haven't made me love you any less. I admire your strength Kate." Jack said.
"I'm a basket case Jack, how is that strong in your eyes?" Kate huffed.
"You aren't a basket case, you are overwhelmed." Jack argued.
"What about the baby? I have to make a decision before it's too late to do anything about it." Kate said.
"No you don't. Kate if you have this baby and you know in your heart that you can't love it the way it deserves to be loved then there is always adoption." Jack offered.
"Yeah right Jack, you're just stalling. You'd fight an adoption; make me feel guilty, blame me for giving your child away. You always make it seem like we're in things together, but in reality it's always what you want and me just going along with it and I'm sick of it!" Kate said hatefully, too hateful and she wished she could take it back.
He let go of her and gently pushed her off of him. He stood and held his hand out, pulling her up from the floor.
"Jack, I'm……" Kate started but was cut off by him.
"I know Kate, you're sorry. You're right, I have been making all of the decisions, but that's only because I was trying to make things easier for you, not because I want everything my way. If I make you feel the things you've accused me of the last couple of arguments we've had then I think we need to slow this way down." Jack said.
"Jack, please don't be hurt. I didn't mean…." Kate searched for the right words.
"No Kate you did mean it and you need to take some time for yourself and figure out why you feel the way you do. I'm not hurt and I'm not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily and the offer, both offers I made tonight are still there, but only if it is what we both want. Otherwise, we'll just end up resenting each other." Jack said.
"Are we breaking up?" Kate asked.
"No, we're just taking a little break." Jack said.
"What about the baby?" Kate asked.
"It's your decision. I'll do whatever you want. Come on, we might as well go home. You can stay in the guest room if you want, have some space and as much time as you need and I promise it won't hurt my feelings or make me mad." Jack said.
Kate felt awful. She'd ruined his surprise, his romantic evening and his proposal and he was putting up a good front, being calm with her when in reality he probably wanted to scream at her and toss her out on her ear. She didn't want to stay in the guest bedroom and she didn't want to stop what they had going on. She wasn't sure why she became so angry with his sweet gesture. She was so confused. She was hurting and head over heels in love at the same time and she battled with her feelings daily. Why couldn't she just shut it all off and just love him and accept the life he was offering her?
"No." Kate said and pulled her hand out of his.
"Kate." Jack insisted.
"No Jack, I don't want to sleep in your guest bedroom and I don't want to take a break. I love you and I need you and I don't know what's wrong with me, but I didn't mean what I said. You have been my rock and I do not resent that for one minute. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm so in love with you and so afraid to let myself believe that I can really be happy or that I can make you happy and then there's this part of me that feels so guilty and that hurts so deeply that sometimes I wish I could just scream loud enough to let the entire universe know how fucking bad it hurts. God Jack is it ever going to stop hurting so bad?" Kate asked as fresh tears filled her eyes.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. He did understand the deep hurt she was experiencing and he'd known his fair share of guilt. He wondered if he'd met Kate sooner if he would've been ready to let go of his guilt and his hurt.
"Baby I know it hurts and I promise you that it does get easier, but it takes time. I'm not trying to force you to forget your pain, you need to deal with it your own way and allow yourself as much time as it takes to put the hurt in a place where you maybe take it out once a day and allow yourself to feel it and then put it back. In the meantime, you shouldn't be afraid of me Kate or anything I'm offering. I would never hurt you or guilt you into anything. I'm trying to convince you to let go of your guilt and try being happy and if your path to happiness means that now is not the time for marriage or a baby then you will have my support. I promise." Jack explained.
"I love you so much Jack, can we please stay here for awhile?" Kate sniffled, her head turned to the side and resting on his chest.
He pulled back and tilted her chin up to look at him. He leaned in and kissed her softly. He pulled back and she held onto the back of his head and pulled him back to her again, closing her mouth over his, swallowing him in a wet, passionate kiss. While the kiss continued he walked them deeper into the suite, toward the rose petal covered bed, ready to love her softly, sweetly and for as long as both their bodies would allow.
Yes, it was kind of evil of me to end it there, but I suppose it gives you something to look forward to since I promise not to leave out any of the details. Happy Lost night!!!