Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. I like to buy things related to it, though.

"Italic text within quotations is a character writing."

---Chapter Seven- Mindful Disarray---

With help of K and a few minor gunshot wounds, the album production was finished ahead of schedule and the preparation for the tour began in earnest. Equipment lists, tour stops, supplies, costumes, and a thousand other things had to be set in place for the joint Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper performances. Tickets had already gone on-sale, and had broken all previous records as far as ticket-box smashes went. Most places that had been confirmed stops had sold out within a day. The other locations that were pending approval were getting all sorts of phone calls each day- ranging from tearful pleads to open their doors to threats of terrorism if they didn't. Madness became normality at NG Studios.

Meanwhile, Suguru and Shuichi had finally overcome their barrier of awkwardness around each other. They didn't mention anything about the conference between Suguru and Tohma or Yuki, as the unspoken accord between them dictated. Lately, Shuichi had taken to helping Suguru with the volume of homework he had to do- while the singer wasn't able to understand much of what he was learning, he would type and edit the good drafts of Suguru's essays, do research for reports (Suguru had struck out on his own after school one day to get a cable modem), and occasionally provided moral support in the form of caffeinated tea or simply being there for his friend. Shuichi liked being with Suguru when he worked- the synth player wasn't snappish if interrupted, and would chat with him while doing an easy assignment. All in all, Shuichi concluded that he didn't need Yuki to be happy any more, now that he and Suguru were talking again.

Suguru, on the other hand, was stressed and worn out beyond belief. He and Shuichi were talking again, yes, but he could detect the silences and omissions in their dialogue. He could feel the pressing need to know what was making Shuichi throw himself blindly into either one of three things- Bad Luck's upcoming tour, helping with his homework load, or Dance Dance Revolution. Suguru thought that Yuki had something to do with it, but that was just a wild guess.

---

"Shit happens/and I'm supposed to deal/But I've been "dealing" with it all my life/or at least that's how it feels…" The pencil hesitated on its journey across the pages of a small paperback manuscript book. He was having writer's block. Again.

"ARGH! I can't take this any more!"

Shuichi gave up and stumbled out of his room and into the living room to play some DDR, since he was getting nowhere with his lyrics.

And I only have to do half the job, he thought savagely as he began to warm up on Love Love Sugar. Ryuichi's going to be writing the music…

---Flashback, about six hours ago---

"Shuichi, I'm heading out. We're almost out of food again."

"Aww, Suguru! Play a game with me! We can get food later!"

Suguru's eyebrow twitched with annoyance. "We. Are. Out. Of. Most. Edible. Substances. In. This. House."

"Right, right, but I'm not hungry and you just ate, so what's the rush? Puh-LEAZE?"

The impatient sigh coupled with the curt "I'll be back soon" stung Shuichi and prompted him to cry "YOU JERK!" as Suguru shut the door in his face without looking back. Shuichi had a fit of hysterics that lasted for all of five minutes before he took out his dance pad and began to step in time to the up-beat techno songs in the game. He swore loudly each time he missed a step, which was the only outward display of temper that he showed.

"HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!"

A loud knocking on the door had disturbed his thoughts as he was about to land a perfect combo on Maximizer. Shuichi angrily stomped his way to the door as soon as the song was finished, planning to scream bloody murder if it was a stranger, be cold and distant if it was Suguru or Hiro, or stab the would-be visitor to death if it was anyone else he knew.

"What the hell do you-"

"Na no da, Shuichi!"

Shuichi was knocked off-kilter and fell over as a blur of pink and brown sprang on to him, hugging him tightly. He blinked his eyes in surprise and confusion as a pink rabbit was shoved into his face, its holder smiling widely, blue eyes glimmering with excitement.

"Kumogoro says hi too!"

"Ryuichi! Um, hi…?"

"Why are you on the ground?" Without waiting for an answer, the superstar and rock-legend Ryuichi Sakuma looked up and down the living room as if searching for something. "Where's Fujisaki-kun? Tohma asked me to talk to both of you. Oh well!" He smiled brightly and seemed to forget whatever Tohma had wanted of him. "Let's make you sparkly again! You're not shiny anymore."

"Huh?" Shuichi was at a total loss. He was still trying to figure out why his former idol was straddling him on the hardwood floor of his living room.

If Suguru came home and found them like this…

Shuichi quickly scrambled into an upright position. Ryuichi squeaked in protest and was toppled to his back, accidentally dropping Kumogoro in the process. Both young men stared at the pink rabbit that lay spread-eagle on the floor when it landed, one looking hurt and confused, the other a little panicked, annoyed, and tired. Ryuichi was the first to speak.

"Shuichi, I don't know what's bothering you right now, but you need to talk to someone about it. Preferably Suguru." He paused as Shuichi looked up at him, though he kept staring at his rabbit companion. Ryuichi wasn't goofing off anymore. "He's going through a lot of emotional stress right now. … I don't think he even realizes most of it. Shuichi, if you want to help him and yourself, you've got to start talking about more than Bad Luck and the weather outside."

"Ryuichi… I…"

"You've got to be sparkly again, Shuichi!" Again, Shuichi was thrown off-balance as Ryuichi reverted to his normal carefree personality.

"… Wha…?"

"Let's write a song together! It'll be a happy song- you write the words, and I'll write the music! Is that okay?" He left no room for reply as he went on: "It'll be for the tour, okay? We'll sing it together at the end of each stop!"

"Sure?"

"Yay! I have to go Shuichi, I promised Tatsuha I'd meet him at the zoo in a few minutes, but we can see each other at work and figure it out! BYE!"

And in a matter of seconds, both Ryuichi and Kumogoro were gone. Shuichi was left exactly as he had been on the floor, still wondering what had happened. Something about writing a happy song… na no da… sparkly… and talking to Suguru. On a more personal level.

Fuck. I don't think I'm ready for that.

He got up and went to close the door as a folded sheet of paper caught his eye on the ground. Shuichi's intense curiosity drove him to pick it up, where a mess of hiranga covered what he assumed was the front. From the best he could make of it, Shuichi figured that it was Ryuichi's handwriting:

Tohma wanted me to drop this off for you and Suguru. I want you to read it first, Shuichi, then show it to Suguru. This concerns both of you… but you might want to think about your response before flying off the handle. Think about the implications of what he has to say, okay? I don't want trouble for either of you.

- Ryuichi

Uh oh. This can't be good.

Shuichi furrowed his brows as a knot of apprehension formed inside his gut. Ryuichi's note didn't sound very encouraging.

The crackle of unfolding legal paper seemed to echo endlessly off the walls as Shuichi opened it up and read the much neater and more professional hiranga inside.

Mister Shindou Shuichi-san and Mister Fujisaki Suguru-san;

Mister Seguchi Tohma-san has officially noted the police department that Fujisaki Suguru-san is currently living with Shindou Shuichi-san while being underage and having healthy, capable parents within the area. It is requested that Fujisaki Suguru-san return to his parent's residence by the end of the month or intervention by the police force will be necessary.

Sincerely,

Horitsu Ryokai

Chief of Police, Tokyo

Underneath the brief notice was a list of numbers he could contact if he had any questions, as well as a calendar of public events for the upcoming month. Shuichi just stared and stared, his mind working as hard and as fast as it could to get around the blatant warning. It was so sudden, and such a heavy-handed tactic for Tohma to use. He just didn't understand.

---End Flashback---

So now he was back to jumping around on the dance pad as he tried to forget himself in the songs and arrows that flashed all over the screen. Tsuguru, Sandstorm, Abyss, Maximizer, Rhythm and Police, Ecstasy, 321 Stars, even The Legend of Max- none of them let him lose his mind slowly and calmly. He eventually gave up when his legs would barely support his weight and went to go lie down in his room. There was nothing more he could do to distract himself.

God, what did I do to deserve this? Oh man, oh man… this is really serious. I don't think there's any way to get out of it… damn you, Tohma! First Yuki, and now Suguru? Why won't you just let me be!

Shuichi stopped dead in the middle of the hall and clenched his fists while squinting to stop his urge to cry. This is so unfair! kept repeating through his head like a silent declaration of faith to a cruel god. All he wanted was to make music and find someone he could love with all his heart, forever. He personally didn't think it was asking all that much- weren't there plenty of people out there who wanted the entire world at their fingertips? He, Shuichi, merely wished to have a dedicated and caring lover to create music with. Someone who understood him and wouldn't patronize him all the time, someone who would… would…

"I JUST WANT SOMEONE WHO GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME!" he screamed to the empty house. The only reply was a ringing in his ears. How had it come to this, really? He was supposed to be more worried about Suguru and Tohma's plans to evict him…

He stiffened as something occurred to him.

Why doesn't he want to go back to his parents, anyway?

Shuichi side-glanced guiltily at the closed sliding door to his left, debating whether to go in and look for answers as his curiosity quickly ate away at him inside. He wasn't a very nosy person, not really… but he just had to know… if he knew why Suguru and Tohma hated each other, and why Suguru didn't want to go live with his parents, it would be easier for them to find a solution to their problem, wouldn't it?

---Flashback---

"Nee, Suguru… how are your parents doing?" asked Shuichi casually as the band took a break from recording. It had been a more productive day than usual so Rage and K had decided to give them a break for a few minutes as a reward. Hiro had taken the opportunity to get a snack from the cafeteria, Rage and K were having a mini-conference with the recording team, and the rest of NG was having a relatively slow day. Shuichi and Suguru were left to themselves.

"I don't know, and frankly, don't care," he responded bluntly.

The directness of that statement caused Shuichi to almost lose his balance as he tried to see how far he could lean back on his stool before it fell. His heart was pounding as he righted himself and tried to probe deeper into the situation- why did Suguru sound so hostile towards his own flesh and blood?

"Mou, isn't that a bit… harsh? I mean, come on… "

"Shindou-san."

The sharpness of being addressed by his last name effectively shut him up as Suguru made his point exceptionally clear.

"I don't like my parents. I have no intention of speaking well of them. I also do not plan on leaving you any time soon. With that settled, please do not ask me about them again. I have my reasons…" it seemed as if he was going to say more, but a cloud settled over his features and Suguru dove back into the music in front of him.

The heavy silence that descended upon the recording room made Shuichi shiver with discomfort. He first tried to keep his mouth shut so as not to disturb Suguru, but as the seconds passed, he couldn't contain his next burning question.

"Okay, so you don't like your parents- but why not Seguchi-san? He's-"

"I will say this once, and then we will not bring this up ever again. Do realise that I am only saying this because I trust you, Shindou, and because of that I expect you to not use it as a tool for gossip." Suguru's icy glare and deadly tone of voice froze Shuichi to the core. All he could do was nod and stare at the gorgeous, pain-filled green eyes before him, half a room away.

"Seguchi is my rival in almost every aspect of my life. From my first day in this world until the day I die, he'll be there watching over me and protecting me from harm. He's like an angel from Hell… all blessings come with a curse. Can't you see? Can't anyone see? He's toying with all of us, Tohma, he's…"

But what Tohma was exactly, Shuichi never found out as Suguru quickly ducked his head and remained silent for the rest of the break. After Rage, K, and Hiro came back he was acting like his usual self, but Shuichi could tell he was hurting. His eyes were a little red from where Suguru had wiped his tears away, for starters…

---End Flashback---

"If I find out more about this, then I can help more. Ryuichi told me I should get to know Suguru better, so that's what I'm going to do! I'll just be really careful."

The feelings of deja-vu and apprehension about going through Suguru's private things without consent were like a burden on Shuichi's back as he quickly entered his band mate's spotless room and began to look for any hints about his vague past. He wasn't sure how much time he had, so Shuichi was trying to be both efficient and excessively careful at the same time. He first opened and searched though the closet, painstakingly putting every article of clothing he displaced by even an eighth of an inch back to where it had originally been. The only thing of interest he found in there was that Suguru had a small stuffed cat hidden all the way in the back corner. From the look of it, it had seen plenty of better days… but he couldn't be distracted. Shuichi was on a mission, goddamn it.

Next he went through all of Suguru's notebooks and backpack, which yielded no results. He sat down in the middle of the floor after an hour had passed; time seemed to have a way of escaping when he wanted to stall it for a while. The only places Shuichi hadn't searched were the boy's underwear drawer and bed. Deciding he didn't want to go so far as to go through his boxers, Shuichi carefully lifted up and inspected the futon mattress. Finding nothing but more hardwood underneath, he was about to put it back down and give up when a soft thump indicated something had fallen on the other end. He carefully laid the mattress back down, smoothed over the sheets, and went to inspect. He was surprised to find a small hard-back journal lying on the floor. It was all black and tied closed with some red ribbon.

Shuichi looked over his shoulder as he picked up the little book. Suguru hadn't called, so he had no idea where his friend was. He could only assume he was still out… well, he'd skim through until he found what he was looking for.

That's it, Shuichi promised himself. I'm only trying to see why Suguru hates his family.

He undid the knot and opened up the journal to the first page. It was dated back a few months, around Christmas time. Shuichi instantly forgot his promise as he began to read:

"December 23rd

… I suppose it goes without question that me keeping a journal is a last resort. It is too easy to find, and I have reservations against writing out my heart and soul in this little book, but nor can I simply keep things within me as I have done for years. It will have to be a necessary risk. At least it is small enough to hide in an unobtrusive manner, away from the prying eyes of my family… I despise their "concerned interest" in my life! I only want to be left alone. That's it- plain and simple. Misery, contrary to the popular belief, doesn't want company… at least, real misery doesn't…

It's almost Christmas time. Tomorrow, infact, is Christmas Eve. I'm sure Shindou and Yuki-san will be doing something romantic as will every other couple in Japan. Well, more accurately, Shindou will be begging and pleading Yuki-san to do something with him, and Yuki will at first try and push him away, until the baka persists and eventually melts his stony heart a bit. But then it will freeze over and the process will start over and over again… I wonder how he stands it. Not Yuki-san, but Shindou. I know Yuki's only toying with the Shindou… I've seen it in his eyes but refuse to say anything, because a happy Shindou is a productive Shindou. But I can't imagine Shindou being so dense that he can't realise what Yuki's doing. Tohma knows it as well. I almost feel sorry for him, watching him with everyone else as he unconsciously falls deeper and deeper into the hole that Yuki-san is digging for him. He'll get his heart broken someday. I'm sure of it! Nakano-san wasn't sure when I brought it up with him, but he dismissed my concern with the reminder that Yuki-san finally admitted that he loved Shindou not long ago, and has been more open to almost every one. I disagree. He's planning something, I can tell. How? Because he and Tohma have been with me from the day I was born, in one way or another. I can read them as easily as I can pretend to be annoyed by Shindou. He's not a bad sort of guy and I'd like to get to know him better… he's so lucky he has Nakano as a friend. I'd do almost anything that was asked of me to gain a friendship like that! But I have neither the time nor the courage.

… My aunt's calling; I think she's drunk again. I don't want to go through another night like last night… I almost lost it forever. It's only coincidence that wearing turtlenecks in the winter is commonplace, really. If it was another time of year, or another place, it'd be hard to hide the marks of my life here at "home". My only wish for now is that I can escape tonight without much to show for it. Tomorrow and its set of problems can wait."

Shuichi was stunned. He had no idea… Suguru had predicted what Yuki would end up doing? How did he know him so well? What did he mean by saying that Tohma and Yuki had always been with him? And what had he almost lost forever? Wait, he had talked about his relationship with Hiro! When? It was mind-boggling, all the questions that first entry raised. On impulse he flipped through the book and was daunted when he saw that it was filled entirely. The back cover even had writing on it!

Shuichi knew that he wouldn't be able to read everything in one sitting. And even though he knew that he was prying in a place where he had no place in being, he couldn't give it up. He had to keep going, he had to know. So he read on.

For the next two hours, Shuichi read about all about Bad Luck and more from Suguru's point of view. He learned that Suguru wasn't really angry with Shuichi when he freaked out on him, it was more a confusing mixture of raw emotions that the boy couldn't name, though he did try in a few spots: aggravated, exasperated, empathetic, amused, but the only conclusion that Suguru was able to come up with was simply confused. Also, Suguru's honest opinions on everyone else he knew were recorded there. Most of them came as little surprise to Shuichi- a bland acceptance that he would have to work with- and therefore get along- certain people, so he might as well make the best of it. Shuichi was intrigued that Suguru looked up to K a little bit, though. It was never clearly explained, but Shuichi figured it probably had something to do with the way that K could get the best of Tohma sometimes. Suguru frequently wrote about how much he aspired to "beat Tohma at his own game for once", though once again there were gaps in the reasons as to why. Shuichi could infer that at some point in the not-so-distant past, Tohma had both blessed and cursed his cousin in a way, and it did have something to do with his parents, but that was about it.

Finally, he got to the last entry, and Shuichi was disappointed in a way to see that it was from almost a month ago. Once he started to read it, though, he understood why.

"March 3rd:

I can no longer continue to live in this place with my aunt. I don't care if she's the mother of my all-powerful cousin, and I don't care that I'll have nowhere else to go if I leave. I have had enough! Her and her whore-friends that she brings home after drinking have abused me for long enough. Almost every night for the past two months I have been forced into their threesomes- being violated in nearly every single way. I'm very fortunate that I have yet to actually lose my virginity, though it's going to be the last. I've been kissed, groped, fondled, stroked, and used as a cushion between bodies for far too long. Incest was never on a list of things I liked –let alone approved of- and having threesomes with strangers is no better. My performance in school and in Bad Luck has not been affected in the eyes of others, I know… but in my eyes, watching myself, I've become so worn and stretched far too thin. I have to get away and find somewhere where I can begin to rebuild myself… last week, and I did not write about this because it scared me far too much… I carelessly cut myself with a knife while preparing dinner. I was very tired that day and had a lot on my mind as well, but a mistake like that could have easily been avoided… in any event, I uttered a soft curse and made to clean the cut –being fortunate that my aunt was not home at the time as well- when I had a truly frightening experience. I saw the blood seeping from my wrist and suddenly, I was not in the kitchen- I was back in my first "home"… there was a child's face staring at me, wide brown eyes full of innocent curiosity as he called me "onii-chan". He seemed so familiar, yet I could not place him! I do not know what to make of it, much less the following events- his face changed, and I saw nothing, but the flash of what I can only assume to be light striking quick-moving steel and screams. The stench of blood over-powered my senses until I gagged and threw up on the floor… that was where I awoke, in the fetal position on the kitchen floor, shaking and shivering as I laid there in my own vomit. I couldn't move. Whatever that was, it has such a powerful effect on me that even as I write I can barely form sentences and my handshakes to the point where my writing is nearly illegible. Also, I am afraid to come into contact with any more knives or sharp objects of that nature for fear of it returning. I have also lost a great deal of sleep… the face haunts me in the early hours between midnight and dawn, as I lie awake in this closet and think about things. The child's face is ingrained in my consciousness so deeply that he haunts me almost every hour I spend awake at night, even as I am being toyed with in my aunt's room. All I can think of is him. But it raises the question that if I can think of nothing but that child when I am alone, are there more images and pictures like that? Is it part of a story from my past? It must be. I don't remember anything before my twelfth birthday. This has to be a part of my missing past, and my inexplicable fear of my parents… I want to know, but I'm afraid too. I don't know what to make of anything any more.

I think I'll end this journal here. Since I've filled this up but only received minimal gratification from doing so, there is no reason for me to continue. I'll keep the book itself for memory's sake, I suppose, and because I've invested so much time in it… but a book can't compare with someone who understands you. People aren't made of paper and ink…"

And that was it. Shuichi was completely dumbstruck, staring at the last few pages as if they could show more than was already written on them. The implications of this entry were huge. Suguru didn't have a past beyond his twelfth birthday? His fear of his parents was unexplained, and the child that gave him nightmares called him onii-chan? Then it hit him- March 3rd. That was the day that he had left Yuki and found Suguru in front of NG.

Shuichi's expression softened as he remembered that morning. Suguru's dream, he had been crying, shaking in his sleep… he must have been having another nightmare. But if all he could remember was the little brown-eyed boy's face… why was he begging for someone to stop hurting him? More importantly, why couldn't Suguru remember his own past?

This is so complicated… oh man, I think I've gotten myself in over my head… poor Suguru! I wish… I don't know, but… I wish…

"Shuichi."

Shuichi slowly turned around as his stomach clenched in a rush of fear and guilt. There behind him, leaning casually in the doorway, was Suguru.

Oh… shit…

"I think you have a lot to answer for, Shuichi."

A/N: Before you start complaining that there are inconsistencies with this chapter and the ones previous, read this: all will be explained in the next chapter! D I have a lot of schoolwork to catch up on at the moment… but break is imminent, and I anticipate on having a lot of time to do more work on this as well as maybe posting a smaller fic for Gundam Wing that I've been working on. In the meantime, though, this is all you get. Small but compact with plot, nee? This is where things really start to get crazy. … Did I say that before? I hope not, because if I did, then I lied. Oops.

But do not fear: while this is closing in on its finale, there's still quite a ways to go. So it's not like it's going to suddenly end at eight chapters or anything. I've got to tie the plot to the title of the story at the very least before I conclude "List of Worries".

By the way, I know not all of the songs Shuichi was dancing his little heart out to are on any one version of DDR, but hell, those are my favorites!

Look for Chapter Eight- Roller Coasters sometime soon-ish…