Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. I like to buy things related to it, though.

---Chapter Eight- Roller Coasters---

"Wha-what? I…"

"I think it's pretty obvious. Why are you in my room? Also, why would you even want to go through my things?" Suguru's face was a mask of deadly calm- it was so perfect that even his eyes, which were usually very expressive, remained totally blank. It was as if he was completely apathetic about the whole situation, which unnerved Shuichi even more. He had at least expected yelling, or… something. Not this quiet questioning.

"I'm, ah, ano…" he grappled to find words to form an excuse as Suguru continued to stare down at him, much like a teacher waiting for an answer from a day-dreaming student would.

"Did you read all of it?" came the soft query after a few minutes of silence.

"Wha?"

"Did you read all of it, Shuichi? Every word?"

Shuichi only stared uncomprehendingly back into the deadened eyes before him. Of course he had. But it was an odd question, given the circumstances, he thought. Why…

He's… something's wrong. Something must have happened while he was out…

"Um, yeah, I… kinda did…" he ducked his head. "Sorry… but, I was worried…"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you worried? There is nothing to be concerned about."

"Yeah there is! Suguru, I, well, just look at this!" Shuichi took out the letter that Ryuichi had dropped off earlier and thrust it towards Suguru, who blinked and took it. He scanned the letter very quickly, then folded it up and handed it back. Shuichi stared at him and waited for a reaction… anything. He waited, and waited, and waited…

And stared, taking Suguru in…

His slightly disheveled appearance, the untidiness of his hair, the dark circles under his eyes, the jeans that had been worn enough times already that they needed to be washed two days ago, the blossoming bruise on his neck…

Wait.

"Sugu-"

"I was actually waiting for Tohma to pull something like this. He knows he can't win if he threatens to break up Bad Luck or attacking either of us personally, so he's getting the government involved. Tacky, but effective."

"Suguru…"

"What? I gave you my opinion on the matter at hand. I don't think there's anything we can do for the time being."

Shuichi stood up and walked over to him until they were scantly inches apart. "It's not that," he whispered. "Though I'm pissed as hell that Tohma would do this. I'm worried, about you…"

"Like I said, there's nothing for you to be concerned about as far as I go. I'm okay." Suguru shifted slightly and made as if to leave, but Shuichi wouldn't let him go. Instead, he put a hand on both of Suguru's shoulders and pinned him where he was.

"Shuichi…" said Suguru pleadingly into the mass of pink that was his friend's hair.

"No. I have to tell you something. And I have questions too." He pressed closer and whispered in Suguru's ear: "I know you don't like Tohma, or your parents, and you wouldn't really tell me why. From what I read, they weren't as kind as they should have been. But tell me, Suguru- why do you really hate them?"

"I… I can't answer that."

"Please. I need to know so I can help you."

"I can't answer that!" cried Suguru as he slid down the doorpost and curled up at Shuichi's feet. "I can't… I can't explain it… you wouldn't understand…"

Shuichi knelt down to face him eye-to-eye. "Just because I'm not nearly as smart as you are doesn't mean I'm oblivious to life. I've been through some tough times too. Just tell me, Suguru. I only want to help you."

"I can't!"

This is really bad. He's gone from being totally apathetic to an emotional mess! What the hell went wrong? Who fucked him up like this!

"You said you trusted me…" Shuichi wrapped his arms around Suguru, who was starting to shake violently. He tried to soothe the boy and calm him down, but nothing worked. Suguru could only stutter and shake uncontrollably as Shuichi held him close.

There's so much more to this than he wrote. We know so little about him…

---

"Sacho, there's a Yuki Eiri-san here to see you."

"Ah, send him in. Thanks." A muffled giggle of delight was heard before the intercom was disconnected. Tohma smiled as he thought of the glee his secretary must be experiencing… she was a huge fan of Eiri's novels.

"Tohma."

The sound of his name being growled out by that deep voice put a smile on his face as he turned around to face his visitor. Just inside the doorway stood Eiri Yuki, cigarette in his mouth and shades that were pushed up into his hairline, giving him a tousled look. Tohma couldn't think of a sexier being alive as Yuki shrugged off his coat and revealed himself to be wearing a form-fitting black shirt with black jeans.

And this god was his…

"Well? What do you want, Tohma? I've got another chapter due today, so make it quick."

"Oh Eiri, you're so ill-tempered," he giggled behind a gloved hand. "Don't worry- I'm just updating you on what progress has been made."

"Then why bring me here in the middle of the day instead of calling?"

"Because I have something for you as well. It's nothing dangerous, really, but I'd rather give it to you in-person. So…"

Tohma reached down to one of the drawers in his desk and rummaged around in it until he found what he was looking for. Yuki was suitably unimpressed when a small brown box was procured and placed triumphantly on the desk in front of him.

"What the hell is that?"

"I'll explain in a minute. But first, the update."

"You know, you're really creepy when you smile like that."

"Hee. That's a compliment coming from you, Eiri."

"... Anyway…"

"Right. Since Ryuichi wanted to visit Shindou-san today, I had him drop off a letter as well. I expect both he and my dear cousin have read it by now. I'm actually expecting an upset phone-call at any time."

"What was this letter?"

"Basically, I contacted the Tokyo Police and got Ryokai-san to write a warning notice to Shindou-san and Fujisaki. They have until the end of the month to return my cousin to the family before the police come and arrest him."

"Ah, I see. Thanks. But why so direct? It's not your style. It's going to cause a shitload of controversy once the media gets wind of it."

"Eiri, don't you trust me at all? You know I can silence the media whenever I want. You get Shindou-san back, I get my cousin, and no one will ever know."

Yuki smirked and shook his head. "I trust you. But I'm just amazed that you'd go through so much effort to get your cousin back where you want him. He's just seventeen- what danger does he pose to you? He'll never be better than you. You've secured yourself as both a genius player and the head of a profitable company. There's hardly anyone that could wield as much power as you in all of Japan."

"You're right, but… this isn't about the masses of Japan. I'm talking about strictly within the family this time." Tohma's features clouded over temporarily, then immediately brightened again. "But why be concerned with that? You'll get Shindou and I'll get Fujisaki within three weeks at the most!"

"Hell of a long time to wait…"

"I know you, Eiri- you've been using the absence of Shindou-san to get yourself laid by the prettiest girls in Japan," said Tohma slyly.

"Hn. Yeah. But it's not the same. He's… different."

"I suppose not… I wonder if Shindou-san and Fujisaki have screwed each other yet?"

Yuki's cigarette dropped to the fine carpet. His face flushed and he looked Tohma directly in the eye, his own flashing with deep anger.

"Don't ever joke about that. Ever again."

"Sorry! My bad!" Tohma said rather quickly. "I'm just curious because we all know for a fact that Shindou-san is bi. I think Fujisaki's one of those closeted gays with a thousand mental disorders. With Shindou-san's knack for getting people to open up and dragging up half-forgotten memories, I think it'd only be a matter of time."

"Well, considering what we did to that kid, I'd be more surprised if he didn't have any problems. But it doesn't really matter, does it? It's been five years. By now he's either forgotten completely or is secretly planning to kill himself. If that's the case then he really sucks at committing suicide"

"Hmm… you're right…" Both men stood in contemplating silence. Had it really only been five years? It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Hn. What's in that box?" grunted Eiri, startling Tohma out of thought.

"Oh, that's just a little something I got for you. I thought you'd like it. Go ahead- open it!"

For once, Tohma's smile was completely genuine as Yuki glanced at him suspiciously before reaching for the box and opening it.

"… Thanks."

"Do you think you can use it? K-san recommended it, but if-"

"No. This is perfect," he whispered as the late-afternoon sun caught on the gleaming metal. He fondly stroked the pistol as Tohma watched, the sincere smile slipping into a more sinister one.

"Bang bang?"

"Yeah. Next time I'll do more than bruise his neck…"

"Just remember that I'll need him to be in the custody of his parents before you do that. If this is going to work, it has to be given time…"

"I know, and that's why your plans suck. They take years to finish."

---

Shuichi was at a complete loss. How did one go about comforting someone who was almost a complete unknown? He had tried using the same tactics he had used with Yuki- saying clichéd phrases of encouragement, promises of always being by his side, even going so far as to awkwardly confess to liking him a little more than just friends, but nothing worked. Suguru remained curled up and refused to say a single word. It was as if, to Shuichi, he was trying to hide from someone.

"Goddamn it, Suguru! How can I make you feel better if you won't even tell me to shut up and go away! Just… tell me! You can't start getting over whatever happened to you unless you talk about it!"

"I… I… ca-"

"No! You can, but you won't let yourself, Suguru." Shuichi, who was by this time sitting next to his friend, put an arm around his quivering shoulders and pulled him in tight. "I can't say I understand why it's so tough for you to say, but please…"

Suguru sniffed and half-raised his head.

"You said you trusted me. I'm not whining or anything, but well… I just want to be sure it's true. And I honestly, really truly want to help you so we can bring Tohma down."

"I… can't…"

Shuichi was just about to open his mouth to refute the statement once again, but a soft hand was placed over it. He looked over in mild shock as his eyes met Suguru's own watery ones.

"Can't… stop you, can I…?"

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

Suguru's hand moved to the back of Shuichi's head and pushed their faces closer together…

He's…

Shuichi closed his eyes.

I can't believe…

He moved his arms to loosely clasp them around Suguru's neck, heart thumping in excitement and nervousness.

This is a wish speaking… what dream have I fallen into?

"Aishiteru, Suguru," he whispered.

I love you.

He thought his heart would burst as their lips met. It was only a chaste kiss, but the electricity in it would have floored him if he had been standing. The tears Suguru had been shedding earlier had left a wet, salty taste on his lips, making it seem as though Shuichi was kissing the troubled sea right before the storm.

"I trust you, Shuichi," murmured Suguru after they slowly broke apart seconds later. "I trust you more than anyone."

Shuichi didn't say anything with words. He merely shifted his position and put his hand to Suguru's head, resting the smaller boy's head on his shoulder. To be honest, Shuichi was very confused. He had had no idea Suguru felt that way about him at all. But he wasn't about to dispute the fact either… if Suguru said that he trusted him, Shuichi would believe him.

"… I was twelve. I was twelve when I found out who I really was," said Suguru suddenly. Shuichi started but remained silent. He had the feeling that it wasn't time for him to speak just yet.

"But I didn't fully understand anything about it –or even remember most of it- until last month. It was… it was harsh." He lapsed into silence for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts and courage before continuing.

"For the earliest part of my life, I lived with my parents in a two-room apartment in the outskirts of Tokyo. It was run-down, dirty, vermin-infested, and very cramped. Just the three of us- my mom, dad, and myself lived there. We all slept in the same room and ate in the other. I think I remember my mom doing something that resembled cleaning once or twice a month, but I'm not sure. I never really paid attention to it. But the rest of my family, especially my mom's side… they didn't want to have anything to do with us. My dad was estranged from his side because he married my mom against their wishes and my mom was, well… she was a whore. My dad worked odd jobs to pay for the rent and food. The earliest memory I have is of my dad yelling at her for not being careful one night and nearly getting pregnant. She didn't, but he beat her any way. I always tried to hide once he came home because he was usually in a bad mood and would hit me too, though he was strangely careful not to leave any obvious marks. My mom never did anything to stop him… she never did anything for or against my welfare. Neither did my dad, unless he smacked me around a bit. I think the only reason I went to school at all was because of Tohma…"

Again he drifted off into thought for a few moments. Shuichi didn't move, but rather took the time to absorb this information. He thought Suguru had forgotten his past! But this… there was no way he could be lying, not about this.

"I lived with them in that house for four years. During the day, mom was with me. At night, it was my dad. I was very rarely alone. I was also never let outside for any reason. Nor was I permitted to answer the door or talk to strangers. … It only seems strange in retrospect, since I knew next to nothing about the outside world at that point. The only places I was allowed to be were home and school, which Tohma took me to and from each day.

"At first he'd stop by and pick me up to take the train to school. We'd walk in silence the entire time, him smiling about something –usually Yuki-san, who would usually join us if he woke up early enough- and I was naturally quiet. I think the only times I ever spoke were when I was asked a question by a teacher. … At any rate, I later learned that it was because Tohma felt bad for me in a way that I was getting an education. Soon enough I proved to be more than competent in every area despite being withdrawn, and was put into accelerated courses. Because of this, my parents were strangely detached from me and rarely said anything at all to me- it was just as well since I had a fragile attention span. If the slightest thing made a noise, I'd lose it completely. So it didn't wholly bother me that I was ignored worse than ever. Yurushi took up most of their time anyway."

"… Who's Yurushi, Suguru?" asked Shuichi tentatively.

He couldn't help but flinch as Suguru's breath hissed out in pain. He hugged him tighter than ever as he continued:

"My mom and dad had a legitimate child four years after I was born. After that, I was nearly forgotten about as they bent over backwards for him. They named him Yurushi, and my dad begged Tohma to somehow get him into school once he was old enough, no matter what- even if I had to be pulled out so as to not put a strain on the finances of the family. Yurushi was given the best of everything that we had at home- food, bed, you name it. I was instantly jealous of him and the love that he received of course, but Tohma smiled again and started to teach me how to use a synthesizer to keep me too busy from thinking about it much. So between the lessons and school, there wasn't a lot of time for me to reflect on my situation. I eventually convinced myself in the back of my mind that I wasn't jealous and that I had everything I needed, so I might as well accept things the way they were and immerse myself in the life that my cousin was handing to me day-by-day. It seemed perfectly natural. Live a prescribed life, have no worries…

"But then Tohma's fame and success with Nittle Grasper grew to unexpected proportions. There was also the incident with Yuki-san in New York that took up a lot of his attention. Soon enough Tohma decided that if he wanted to be as successful and focused as possible, he'd have to cut off any lingering, weighty ties to anything that was slowing him down. He's a very calculating person…" Suguru sighed. "First he quit school, against the wishes of the family. When they tried to force him back, he just smiled again and left his mother to live with Yuki. The two of them stayed in an apartment for a while as Yuki tried to adjust to a normal life as a writer and Tohma hit it big with Sakuma-san and Noriko-san. He and Yuki-san would still walk with me to school every now and then when they had the time, though it was more of a courtesy gesture than anything else. Tohma would be chatting away to Yuki-san, who would occasionally grunt or have a sarcastic remark, but nothing more. I myself never had anything to say. Eventually, Tohma let go of me too and stopped teaching me what he could on the synth, never giving a warning of any kind… he simply stopped showing up one day, and the next, and the following day. I eventually stopped hoping that he would and retreated to the hand-me-down he had given to me for my seventh birthday and would play it every chance I could, pretending he was still there with me. Pretending that someone… someone still gave a damn about me. My parents' love and attention never had belonged to me, now Tohma and Yuki-san were gone. I had no friends at school… there was nowhere to go and no one to go to. It ended up that even the teachers stopped calling on me for whatever reason and I didn't speak for several years.

In that time, I began to think and reflect about my place in the world, what it meant for me to be alive, and, most importantly: why I was neglected in favor of my younger brother. I had often heard complaints at school from kids whose parents had had second children as well and how they felt slighted, which assuaged my fears and doubts about being forgotten in Yurushi's wake for a time, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that their situations and mine were not equal. Their parents still willingly sent them to school. Their parents still greeted them at the end of a day, and listened to their stories. Their parents helped them with homework when it got too confusing. Mine never did any of those… I went to school because Tohma had taken pity on me. I came home and was lucky to escape unnoticed, or suffer a small beating if I wasn't able to hide fast enough, and I don't even think Tohma cared about what kind of day I had had. As far as homework went, I was on my own all the time.

"However, what enlightened me the most was when a group of girls were complaining loudly how they hated it when adults compared them to their parents. Somewhere inside me, a deep, resonating fear came to the surface and haunted me for the rest of the day. I knew I didn't look much like either of my parents, but had never given it much thought before. The only resemblance that tied me to them was the fact that I had inherited my mom's facial shape. I had automatically assumed in the back of my mind that everything else was either from my dad or a blend of their genes- maybe my dad looked different when he was younger. But no matter how hard I tried to reassure myself that I was in fact a mix of their traits, I realised something that I had missed before. Yurushi looked a lot different from me as well, young as he was. His hair was brown and straight, whereas mine was black and tended to stand off my head. My eyes were hazel; his were brown, and a different shape from mine. Even his nose looked slightly off from my own. It unnerved me! Why did my little brother look more like my parents at eight of age than I did at twelve? There had to be something wrong…

"I figured it out not too much later on. It was a highly unusual series of events, and probably unlikely to happen ever again if I were put into the same situation… someone had stopped by to visit us one day, and as usual they were in the cleaner of the two rooms (the bed-/living room), and I was stuck in the filthy kitchen with Yurushi. I had to keep him from dashing about and climbing all over the trash bags from last month that had yet to be disposed of, or else they would have opened up and spilled out all over the already unsanitary floor. While I was holding him as best I could, the visitor came into the kitchen and looked down on the two of us together, the most chilling smile on his face that I had ever seen in my life. It was somehow vaguely familiar, yet I couldn't place it. The stranger's voice was soft, almost melodic and angelic as he spoke.

'Give him here,' he said. I shook my head and gripped him tighter. I didn't trust that young man.

'Suguru, it's okay- I'm your cousin. Seguchi Tohma.'

"So Tohma had returned from his fame to grace us with his presence again? I had the sudden urge to run up and attack him- hurt him in any way possible. He had left me alone to be ignored and forgotten by the rest of the world while creating his own life and fame.

"… Being loved by countless people simply for doing something he enjoyed…

"All I did, though, was bow my head and release Yurushi. He knelt down to confront my little brother and examined him from head-to-toe. When Yurushi began to squirm with discomfort and voice his boredom, Tohma smiled and let him go, saying:

'He's definitely legitimate; he looks like a perfect blend of you two! There's no doubt in my mind now. If you can just work on getting a more suitable job, both of you, then there's hope that you'll be accepted back into the family yet!' He then said his good-byes, saying something about having to meet Yuki-san for some downtime at a café before going on-tour. But before he left, he made sure to say one more thing:

'You do realise you'll have to get rid of the first one. But be discreet about it.' And then he left, and I didn't see him for another few months. During that time, I was unable to sort through the newfound emotions raging within me as Yurushi continued to be doted upon as I was confined to a solitary corner from which I was supposed to watch the world. I was bound by the invisible and unspoken dictations of my parents to remain in the background as my little brother began to shine much brighter in their eyes than I had ever even hoped to…

"I was also troubled by Tohma's remark about 'getting rid of the first one'. I could only assume that to be me. But why would they want to… dispose of me? I knew I looked different, and I knew there was a strange emptiness in our relationship, but surely, somehow, they still loved me…? No matter how different I looked, I was still their own flesh and blood, right?"

"Of course!" cried Shuichi suddenly. "Somehow, somewhere- all parents love their children. Even my mom and dad still care about me though they disow-" he stopped short and clamped a hand over his mouth, realising that he was probably kidding himself- the only blood-relation that still talked to him at all was his sister, Maiko.

Suguru didn't seem to mind Shuichi's outburst; he instead grinned wryly and shook his head slightly.

"It was the worst lie I could have ever believed in."

"What!"

"Shuichi… what I have to say, I can't ask you to believe. Let me finish as far as I can, and if you find yourself disbelieving…" Suguru's shimmering eyes closed as he smiled faintly, a crystalline tear falling down his pale cheek.

"… simply walk away from here. Don't turn back. … I don't need 'goodbyes'".

Shuichi merely nodded.

"I overheard my parents arguing one night, very late. It might have been early morning by that point. I think they assumed that Yurushi and I were already asleep, or they just didn't care if we overheard or not, since they didn't bother to keep quiet.

My mom was suggesting that she and my dad 'off the little fucker' so that the family would be pleased, but my dad disagreed for the time being. The conversation went like this, with my mom continually calling for the demise of someone…

'Haruka, we can't just kill him without a plan- we'd be easy to find. We should plan this out so nothing goes amiss.'

'But Muhiji, the sooner we get it done, the sooner we can move up in this world. Both of us are tired of our jobs, and it'd be so easy to just off him now- he's asleep, not to mention harmless. His gym teachers always mention how hard he tries to keep up with all the other boys, but just doesn't have the stamina or the strength. If it gets messy, we can always ask Tohma-'

'Tohma-kun has already done more than enough for us.' He sighed. 'I suppose we could always do a quick snap to his neck and ask Yuki-kun to dump the body somewhere farther up north…

'That's perfect. Brilliant, in fact. And now that I think about it, Muhiji… I'd like to toy with him just for a little bit. Not long. You can if you'd like as well.'

'What do you have in mind?'

'Just a few mind games, like hot and cold.'

'In that case, I suppose I could vent… elsewhere…'

"They were silent for a time after that, and I was trying to process what I was eavesdropping on as fast as I could. My parents were planning the imminent murder of someone they knew, probably within the family, since they would gain some status by eliminating them. And they'd ask Yuki-san to get rid of the evidence to hide their tracks… why would they go through the effort to get someone from outside the family involved? Was it really that important? Was this even real?

"Of course it was… there was a last bit of information that locked everything in place.

"'Haruka, dear… are you absolutely sure you don't mind killing him? Once it's done, that's it- he's dead forever.'

'Don't assume me to be stupid simply because I'm a whore… of course I don't mind. I've been waiting for a chance for years. It's also a mistake that I'm not going to repeat once we get out of this hell-hole.'

'Looking back on it, though, it might not have been so bad- it got Tohma to acknowledge us, and look where we are now- poised to be something more, at long last.'

'It still doesn't seem worth it in some respects though. Sometimes I wonder why we even bothered naming him.'

'It would have looked odd if we hadn't. But I do agree that if worse had come to worse, he could've gone nameless for however long we decided to keep him alive before just growing tired and throwing him away, regardless of what the law would have done.'

'Hmm. I just hope that Suguru finds out that he's a sick, dirty little bastard child before he dies. I'll bet he's been wondering for quite a while why his little brother is so much better than he is…'

"I could only quake in fear under my blanket on the floor as my parents ceased to talk and finally drifted off into sleep. I wish I could have done the same, but the shock and terror I was flooded with kept my senses on the alert for any movement that would suggest they would try and behead me then and there… I was never the same around them, as hard as I tried to act as I normally did. I knew that if they suspected even only slightly that I somehow knew of their eventual plans, they wouldn't even bother to screw with my mind before killing me.

"I think, however, the most frightening thing of all was the revelation that answered all the questions I had about myself and my parents: I was ignored, occasionally abused, and unloved because I was an accident. I was an unwanted side effect, a painful reminder of my mother's job. Even more than that, I was illegal and a liability to my parents. If I was out of the picture, then they could raise my little brother in a semblance peace and look and act like the normal family should, with help from the relatives to get them started… Tohma even encouraged this; he was the one who planted the idea. Tohma, the person who had given me some hope for my plight, was likely to be my angel to carry me into Hell. I couldn't even turn to Yuki-san as a last resort because he only cared about himself, and my parents were planning to get him involved anyway. I was trapped and literally waiting for the torture to begin. Once it did, I would be able to tell when the end was coming…

"It started about a week and a half later, after I got home f-from school. My mot-ther greeted me at t-the door…" Suguru's voice became shaky and uneven all of a sudden as he tried to go on. This was the beginning of the end of his narration, the description of his ordeals. But it was also the most difficult for him to recite. Shuichi remained silent as he waited for Suguru to be self-controlled enough to move on.

"She… she hugged me, s-said she l-loved me. Didn't know what to think, only 'this must be part of the plan'. I was so c-confused… when I hugged her back, she screamed at me and… she sl-slapped me across the face, then pretended to get all concerned, then walked away without a-another word. I kn-knew she was trying to psych me out, I knew it, but… at the same time… I almost knew what it was… to have someone say 'hello' to you at the end of the day…

"Then my dad came home, and. h-he roughed me up. A-a lot. It went on like th-that for a few weeks, I think, until… they s-started to r-really put into action what they had talked ab-bout that night…

Suguru sharply turned his head away as a cold sweat broke out over his trembling body. This was the part that he had blocked out… the part that he couldn't even begin to describe…

"Keep going, Suguru. You're almost there…" Shuichi had no idea if this twisted tale was actually near its close or not. But if this was the hardest part, then he could feel justified in taking a wild guess…

He waited for what seemed like hours for Suguru to speak again, holding him close against his body. The doorframe that they had been leaning against was starting to grow uncomfortable, and so was the hardwood floor, but Shuichi didn't dare move. Eventually Suguru calmed down enough that he stopped shaking and instead curled up against Shuichi, but didn't say anything else.

… I thought Yuki had problems. I don't know if I can honestly help… I just don't know enough. I think the only thing I can do at this point is to wait until Suguru can finish the… story? It feels like I'm caught up in a really bad daytime drama right now… I just wish I could turn it off, and be happier… let Suguru be happier too…

The golden-red sun that was filtered through the Venetian blinds turned the room a rosy hue, adding long shadows and dark bars on the wall. To Shuichi, the change in colours made the drab little room seem to take on a different life, a more vibrant and secret one than during the day. His imagination wandered as the sun set and the colours grew deeper and darker, remembering the first night Yuki had taken him… it had been just after the sun had set, in the darkness of his apartment, right there on the living room floor. Thinking back on it, Shuichi couldn't help but admit that out of the hundreds of ways he could have lost his virginity, that was probably one of the lamest… having it with someone who would eventually toy with him didn't help. … He wanted to stop time and go back and warn himself against forcing his way into Yuki's life. Yeah, he might not be quite the celebrity he was now, but wouldn't that be a welcome change? Not as many cameras, maybe a little more leisure time…

But then again, I might not have met Suguru…

That thought startled him. With all the drama that had been going on, wouldn't it make more sense to regret befriending the little synth player? He was certainly kicking himself over his affair with Yuki, wasn't he? All he could feel towards the boy curled against him right now, however, was empathy. True and unyielding empathy. It was so different from when Yuki had had his breakdowns. Then, Shuichi had been concerned, worried, anxious, and liable to spaz, but this… this was so alien, he could only sit and hold the now-sleeping Suguru against him. From the deepest wells in his heart, he loved and wanted to protect him from harm. He'd sacrifice himself to do it. Without a doubt, Shuichi would do everything and anything to erase his pain and lift him back to where he could be free of that horrendous chain of a past that was dragging him down. He didn't need favors of any kind to bribe him into doing that, as he might have asked from Yuki. Shuichi only required the well-being of his koi in return…

Koi… I… I never used it to describe Yuki, did I? Just maybe when thinking to myself… but never to anyone else, and it was almost a conscious effort on my part if I did… but it just kinda popped in there right now… what is this I feel, really? It's not the same kind of love I had for Yuki. I think, I think…!

Shuichi trembled as the full realization hit him: his love for Suguru was emotional. There was no doubt some sexuality was involved as well, but for the most part, he loved Suguru to the extent that he'd be proactive and try to prevent him from suffering pain, instead of waiting for it to happen and then helping as much as he could. With Yuki it had been almost the exact opposite: sexual with some emotional on the side. No, this was so much different… Shuichi could hardly believe that they were the same thing. So what did that mean, in terms of his and Suguru's relationship…?

"I guess… I guess I don't care either way, do I? I never do," whispered Shuichi to the now dusky room, a wry grimace on his face. "I'll just keep loving him… this time, I feel like I could take on the entire Tokyo Police Force and fight them all to the bitter end, all in the name of protecting him, my koi… It doesn't matter if he feels the same about me, if he's only got a crush or isn't in his right mind… anything he does, anything he says, anything he thinks… they're all fine with me. I just don't care…" Shuichi turned and lightly kissed the top of Suguru's head and inhaled his scent: pine with just a hint of something more. He still didn't think anything else could smell as sweet as that…

"I feel like I could live forever, you and I transcending time, and I'd still like to spend my life this way…" he breathed.

It was truly night now, but Shuichi didn't want to risk waking Suguru up by moving him. He felt almost like an older brother seeing Suguru clutching his shirt in his sleep and tear marks on his face. But he couldn't ignore his own need to sleep…

"Mou, all this stuff can wait. I can't think straight if I don't sleep. But I don't wanna leave him alone either, so… what to do, what to do?"

The thought of leaving Suguru alone was almost unbearable, not after what he had heard. (Shuichi was of the opinion that if it was possible, he'd never be more than three feet away from him at any given point until the end of time.) Yet he refrained from simply half-dragging his friend to the futon mattress that was all of a yard away and collapsing into it with him because he didn't think Suguru would appreciate it much. After a long stretch of thinking, he decided to put Suguru to bed as carefully as he could, and then bring in his own mattress to sleep on. That way they'd be close, but not unnecessarily uncomfortable.

As gently and carefully as he could, Shuichi untangled himself from Suguru and took hold of his wrists and dragged him the short distance to the bed, then rolled him onto it and tucked him in, being extremely conscientious not to disturb him otherwise. After he was satisfied that Suguru was reasonably comfortable and wouldn't wake up, Shuichi slid out of the room and quickly wrestled with his own mattress until he managed to get it out into the hallway and into Suguru's bedroom with only a bruised knuckle from where he had smacked his hand on the doorpost of his room.

The bruise on his hand reminded him of the one Suguru was sporting on his neck. Where had it come from? Though it didn't look too bad, he was still concerned… but it was just another small addition to his ever-growing list of worries.

----------------------

A/N: Not much to say, only that I spent forever on this chapter, so I hope it's better than anything before it.

I think hazel eyes would look very nice on Suguru, don't you? And the thing where Suguru says he had black hair? In this story, he dyes it green.

Oh, and thanks to everyone who's stayed with this from the beginning, and anyone else who's been reading it, really… As always, reviews are more than welcome- love or hate.

Chapter Nine- Thinning Atmosphere is up next. I do believe I see land through the mist…