Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, nor am I profiting off of this in any way, other than satisfying some crazy fangirl desires. :)

If it doesn't flow right or make sense, I apologise- I wrote this in one two-hour block. -sigh- I felt too much like a detestable person for not putting time into it for such a while... let me know what I need to fix or didn't get right, please...

---Chapter Thirteen – Pang---

There had been few times where Suguru had woken up screaming- only two that he could remember in his life. Both were when he was very young; once as a small child after a frightening nightmare, and the other the morning after his brother's death.

At least when screamed the third time, he wasn't so alone.

It took at least an hour, according to Hiro, to calm everyone down- Suguru had started to "scream bloody murder" as Reiji had tactlessly put it, which only set Shuichi and Ryuichi off when he wouldn't stop. Things had finally quieted down when Ryuichi had been moved to another room and Suguru had screamed himself hoarse, leaving Shuichi as the only one to be shut up.

"I'm very, very sorry," apologized Suguru, forcing himself to speak, "I don't know-"

"Shh, s'okay, s'okay…" Shuichi held him close and gently ran his fingers through his hair. It was surprisingly relaxing.

"We would just like to know the cause of the disturbance… if you can tell us, that is." Reiji sat opposite them, sipping a mug of tea. If she was trying to come off as caring, she was doing a bad job of it.

Suguru met her steady gaze and didn't say anything. He couldn't. What defense could he possibly have if they knew the truth? Even Shuichi would leave him…

"Suguru…" Shuichi gently squeezed him and dared to ghost a kiss on his cheek. He'd support his friend no matter what! Hiro leaned against a wall, waiting patiently. He knew trying to force it out of the kid would only make matters much worse… and why was it a big deal, anyway, if it was just a bad nightmare? Suguru was under a lot of stress- it wasn't entirely unexpected. Reiji simply waited, sipping her tea and keeping her eyes locked on her charge's. The silence gradually grew heavy as Suguru searched for words to satisfy their curiosity and worry. Several times, he tried to speak, but his will died as soon as he took in a breath to do so. There was nothing he could say. Suguru could lie, but that wouldn't help his situation or theirs, and in all honesty… he was tired of running away from it all.

"So I guess you're going to keep hiding whatever the hell's bothering you. Fine. That's fine. I have to go back up to K anyway." Rage abruptly stood up and stalked out of the room, mug tightly clenched in one hand. She slammed the sliding door behind her, causing everyone to wince. Suguru exhaled slowly. Maybe it would be easier without her overwhelming presence…

"Why's she so pissy?" asked Shuichi hotly. "It's like she's only out to make a profit off of us sometimes… would it kill her to admit she cares, even a little?"

"That was her caring. Shuichi, you of all people should know how Rage handles 'nice' emotions," Hiro replied.

Shuichi shook his head and adjusted his loose grip on Suguru. "She's still a bitch, if you ask me."

"I didn't, but okay, thanks for letting us know." said Hiro with too much cheer. Sobering, he came to sit down in front of his friends, gazing at them levelly before he spoke again. "I have to go up in a half hour to relieve K. And, I… well, let's do it this way. We're going to play a game." He half-smiled as Shuichi's eyes glimmered with excitement. The guy never really changed. "We're each going to admit something very personal. It doesn't have to be your deepest, darkest secret, but it should be something you wouldn't want to tell anyone else but us. We're not allowed to laugh at each other, though we can ask questions for further details. Deal?"

Suguru nodded as Shuichi cheered. He knew what Hiro was doing, and he'd be grateful to him later, once he didn't feel as though his heart would cleave in two at any moment.

"Alright, I'll start. I-er… well, K and I are… 'together'," Hiro finished weakly. Suguru and Shuichi stared, genuinely surprised for a few moments, then bombarded him with questions. For how long? What about Ayaka? What about K's family? What about the public image of the band? "Hey, slow down!" he cried, laughing. "Alright. How long? About… a few weeks, give or take. If you two were observant at /all/, you'd have noticed that Ayaka and I broke up some time ago. We're still talking and hang out sometimes, we're just not dating. K's family doesn't know and he doesn't care- he broke up with Judy, and he's fighting for custody of his son, but it's hard when he's stuck in Japan and the case is being held in America. We're keeping it under wraps for as long as possible- it's easy, since we're not as conspicuous as /some/ people." He grinned as Shuichi sheepishly ducked his head. "Alright, Shu- your turn."

"Mmm, well…" He pondered seriously for a few moments. "Can I pass? I wanna save mine."

"Sure, but you have to promise to tell." Shuichi gave a thumbs up. Hiro nodded. "Suguru, it's up to you."

Suguru gulped down a sudden surge of panic as Shuichi gently squeezed his hands. This was it. Slowly, he closed his eyes and breathed in and out, calming down as much as possible. When he was under control, he searched for a way to present his secret- should he include back-story, or just let it tumble out? Should he defend himself? Would they understand? Would they still be there for him?

There was only one way to find out. He drew in a long breath, held it, then exhaled, and said: "I killed my brother when I was twelve. I couldn't take it any more. I stabbed him on the eve of my parent's anniversary. … Ripped him to pieces." Suguru's calm tone contrasted sharply with his haunted features. "I'm not worth a damn thing- I should have died years ago. It should have been the other way around. Yurushi was loved… I should have listened to my dad-"

"NO!" screamed Shuichi, causing the others to jump a mile. "No, no, no, no, no! S-Su-chan, n-no…" he collapsed into tears and firmly pressed his friend to him.

Suguru said nothing as Shuichi clung to him and sobbed into his shoulder from behind. He let his whole body go limp and surrendered himself to his friends, who would now decide his fate. He had done it. There was no relief from the iron weight cleaving his heart in two, no miraculous sense of being free- just a blissful state of apathy and acceptance of punishment. Hiro would probably refrain from doing serious physical harm and instead opt to ignore him. Shuichi would probably scream, cry, throw things and hit him a couple of times, but end up leaving him behind too. Bad Luck would leave him to decide his own sorry future… which he planned to cut drastically short.

Hiro was thunderstruck. He watched, numbly, as Shuichi continued to wail senselessly and Suguru allowed his body to become a rag doll, clearly succumbing to dark and hopeless thoughts. Of all the things… that was what he was least expecting. Suguru had a little brother? And he murdered him? Was that why Yuki and Tohma were chasing them down- Suguru was to be brought to justice? No, that should have been done years ago. Then why…?

Hiro's mind raced furiously, trying to put everything together. Suguru had a terrible, terrible secret. Yuki was prowling around like a cat would around its prey, trying to get Shuichi back to his side. Ryuichi knew something and had showed up here, just when the chase was getting hot. Yuki had all but raped Suguru outside Perushana- why? What was Tohma doing and whose side was he on? Shuichi… he didn't even know what was up with him. What the hell was going on?

"Lost?" asked Ryuichi from the doorway. "I don't blame you."

"R-Ryu-chan, what do y-you mean?" sniffed Shuichi.

"Poor Hiro here's only got parts of the story. And you've got most of it, but not everything," he replied as he walked in and closed the door behind him. He came over to sit with the other three. "I'm going to clear it all up, okay? I know everything."

"… Then please, tell us, what's really going on?" asked Hiro slowly. I'll never get used to him like this… this serious Ryuichi…

"Alright. To start from the beginning… Suguru was a bastard child. His parents were poor, but eked out a living nonetheless- his mom was a whore, and managed to become pregnant after a night on the job. Having a child to care for drove the family straight into poverty. No relatives helped them out… they were the 'odd cousins' of the family. Suguru was treated harshly but almost fairly- he learned not to cry for attention early on, and his mother cared for him, however grudgingly. Killing him was out of the question… mother's instincts can override even the most practical of desires.

"Two years later, they had their own legitimate son, Yurushi. They gave him everything they could- food, love, toys, anything they could afford or find. Suguru was forgotten about unless either of his parents needed something to let their frustrations out on. He tried as hard as he could to be invisible and escape a beating every day.

"Tohma saw him when he looked into why he never saw one part of his family. He was aloof and didn't fully understand how dire Suguru's situation was, but invited his little cousin to have a place with him in his life; he played with him, helped him buy his uniform and books, even gave him a synth to practice on for his tenth birthday. The Seguchis were always well-off, so I guess it was almost like Tohma was on a perpetual field trip, seeing how the "others" lived. Tohma became Suguru's light in life- when he had a bad day at home or school, he could always count on his cousin to cheer him up. He hung around with Yuki too, when he showed up with Tohma.

"I guess I should explain now that when Suguru was in elementary school, Tohma was in the middle of college. That's about the time Nittle Grasper started getting big. Soon enough, Tohma stopped dropping by and Suguru was abandoned. There were no pleasant distractions from his miserable existence- he lived in hell, surviving only because he didn't want his parents to "win". He'd "lose" -give his parents what they wanted- if he died.

"Yurushi followed him everywhere… looked up to him like most younger brothers do, and trusted him with his whole heart. I don't know much else about him, other than he was a pretty average kid- nothing like his genius older brother. He seemed to notice the disparity in how their parents treated them, but he was too young to understand. He trusted and loved Suguru even as he was being murdered. Anything Suguru did was okay.

"When his parents found out, they nearly beat Suguru to death. Tohma stepped in again, through mere coincidence- we had just come off a huge tour and he wanted to say hello. He tried to find family members who would house his cousin while he dealt with his aunt's and uncle's grief. He only paused long enough to ensure that Suguru was not going to be kicked out of the family until he was out of college before he came back to the band and continued to make music. In the meantime, Suguru's parents swore revenge and Suguru himself was constantly passed from one household to another, until another 'strange cousin' kept him… she was a closet nymphomaniac. Naturally, Suguru ended getting caught up in her activities when she brought someone home, though as far as I know, he was never… penetrated. Some people just like young boys…" Ryuichi shrugged. "And after that, you know pretty much everything else- he left the same night that Shuichi left Yuki. Some would call that fate," he added with a smirk.

Hiro glared at him. "And how does Tohma come into everything else? I still don't get it. I don't know why he'd be going after Suguru like he is, even after everything you've told us."

"Ah… that… I nearly forgot." Ryuichi sighed and tilted his head back. "Well, I'm sure you know how… powerful he can be. Tohma's the kind of person that will do anything to stay on top of the competition, even if that threat is close family. His whole side of the family is like that. And he knew, somehow, several years ago that Suguru would grow into a rather large enemy of his. Probably because as a young boy Suguru was already quickly showing that he could master anything that he applied himself to with less effort than even Tohma himself. At any rate, our dear president set in motion a plan that would kill two birds with one stone. It's only because of Shuichi here that he could possibly achieve a third kill as well."

"Wha?! What do I have to do with it?!" demanded Shuichi. "If Tohma thinks he can use me to hurt Su-chan, he's got another thing coming!" he shouted as his eyes blazed and he clutched Suguru to his chest. Suguru said nothing, appearing to be completely detached from the world itself.

Ryuichi smirked again. "He's really clever, don't you realize that? And how else do you think he got Yuki-san involved? Our beloved writer probably wouldn't care less if there wasn't anything in it for himself."

"I don't get it. Just tell me!"

"Shu… Ryuichi's saying that Yuki wants you back. That's why he's here," said Hiro. Slowly things were starting to make sense…

"No shit! But how am I related to what Tohma's planning?!"

"Look at you two. Look how close you are," said Ryuichi coldly. "If something were to happen that would permanently separate you two, what do you think would happen?" Without waiting for a reply, he went on: "Tohma knows how each of you operates. You, Shuichi, would be lost and confused, blaming yourself and anyone else you could think of, and you'd most likely end up crawling back to Yuki if the man held out his smallest finger out to you. Suguru would likely kill himself. If he didn't, though, Tohma would keep him around to amuse himself when he got bored. Either way, he gets what he wants."

Contemplative silence followed Ryuichi's analysis. Each member sat with their own thoughts, heads and hearts weighed down with the implications of the singer's words.

Su-chan… he'd be destroyed… that bastard… that bastard! I hate Tohma! And Yuki's no better!

Shuichi's pissed and Suguru's utterly hopeless, but it looks like Hiro's getting it…

Something still doesn't make sense. Tohma wants to break up Shuichi and Suguru so they no longer pose a threat to him, and I understand how he's going about it, but something's still missing… what about that first target of his? What was his plan he set in motion? Why did Yuki go so far as to nearly rape Suguru if all he wants is Shuichi… is he that desperate? No, there's something more… something Ryuichi isn't telling us…

"Ryuichi. There's still more you have to tell us," Hiro said flatly as he looked directly into the other man's eyes.

Ryuichi's expression darkened and he looked reluctant to go on. "Alright. I'll keep it short and spare the details, since this is where it gets really nasty." Shuichi looked up, confused and still indignant, while Suguru continued to stare blankly at his crossed legs.

"The other 'bird', so to speak, was Suguru's family. Tohma became incredibly prideful and very egotistical as soon as Nittle Grasper broke through into the mass media. He didn't want anyone finding out about the black sheep and their petty drama, lest it besmirch his and his family's name. But if he was too obvious about it, it would backfire and the news would reach every corner of Japan in an instant. So, he laid some traps and waited. While Suguru was away, he helped his mother and father find respectable jobs and get themselves out of poverty. And while Suguru was being shuffled from home to home, he took him in for a time in between tours. He… sowed the seeds for what's going on now during that time." Ryuichi shut his eyes and breathed deeply for a few minutes as Shuichi and Hiro waited anxiously. "Remember how I said Tohma loves power and would do anything to stay on top? Well…" he hesitated. "I hate to be the one to tell this- it's despicable beyond words. But… alright." Ryuichi exhaled and appeared to gather himself. "While Suguru was staying with him, Tohma did everything he could to make him happy. They went on little trips to places Suguru had never been before, wrote and played music together, and grew even closer as they talked and admitted their shortcomings to each other. It was the best part of Suguru's miserable existence- a high that seemed like it would last forever.

"Then, on the night before Tohma had to leave to go on tour again, he and Suguru were cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Suddenly, Yuki knocked and came in, a video camera in his hand.

"'Yuki-san! Are we going to make a movie?' asked Suguru excitedly.

"'You know, Tohma, I could swear that little brat isn't the Suguru I used to know if you hadn't told me how much he had improved since you took him in,' said Yuki with a hint of a smile.

"'He's definitely the little boy we'd walk to school with,' replied Tohma. 'I see you're ready.'

"'Of course.' Suddenly, Yuki's almost friendly demeanor changed. 'Let's get this over with.'

"'Right.' Tohma's affable grin suddenly turned chilly and cruel.

"'… What's going on, Tohma-kun? Are we making a movie?' Suguru was worried, but ironically enough, he trusted his cousin to the exact same degree that Yurushi had trusted him.

"'Something like that.' Tohma said no more and gripped Suguru by the wrist, half-dragging him into the bedroom that they shared. Yuki followed silently, an ominous presence that intensified Suguru's sense of something being dangerously wrong. His questions and pleas, however, were ignored.

"'How are we doing this?' asked Yuki once the door had been closed. 'You realize his voice is high enough to go through the walls of the apartment, don't you? I don't want to get caught being involved with this, not when I'm finally starting to get noticed.'

"'Don't worry, I've planned for everything. I don't want to ruin your career as a writer before it's even begun. Suguru… come here.' Suguru stepped forward hesitantly, ignoring the instinct to run as best he could. His cousin wouldn't do anything wrong to him… Tohma-kun was always looking out for him…" Ryuichi suddenly cut off and shook his head in disgust. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to rush this… I'm actually leaving out quite a bit of what was said- I'm just giving you the idea so you know just how reprehensible Tohma's actions were."

"It's… it's okay, Ryu-chan, just do the best you can…" said Shuichi softly.

"Thanks. Okay…" Ryuichi took another deep breath and began again: "Suguru trusted Tohma completely, enough to ignore his senses that had saved him some trouble with his parents in the past. Tohma kept talking kindly to him as he bound and gagged him, telling Suguru how wonderful their movie was going to be as long as he cooperated, how they'd watch it together when Nittle Grasper came back from tour again, and how Yuki would make sure it was edited so it looked professionally done by the time they were all together again. Suguru nodded and became excited- he must be getting tied up because he was going to be rescued from some sort of evil by his god-like cousin, just as he had been in real life.

"'Come on Tohma, hurry up,' growled Yuki. 'Stop pretending it's not going to end badly and just-'

"'Yuki,' Tohma said softly as he cut off his friend, 'I'm going as fast as I can. And it's not going to end badly…' he glanced at his cousin's bewildered expression. 'Not for me, at least.'

"After that, Yuki turned on the video camera, and recorded every second of Suguru's torture as he was brutally raped and beaten by his savior of a cousin."

Shocked silence filled the whole room after Ryuichi finished. There was nothing anyone could say, neither in rage or disbelief. Hiro leaned against a wall and seemed to be furiously putting pieces together, finally understanding everything- Tohma had planned all of this from the start, the sadistic freak that he was. All for pride and prestige, too. It made him sick. He didn't have to grasp blindly to figure out what had most likely befallen the Fujisakis- they were probably dead or dying now that Tohma had deemed the time was right to secure his image from the probing masses. Suguru was the last one, and after that, he'd be alone- there would be no competition to threaten his position at the top of the heap. It was enough to make him want to kill the guy!

Shuichi didn't care for Tohma's devious plans, choosing to leave that to smarter people like Hiro and K. Instead, he focused on the fragile boy in his arms, seething with anger and a strong desire to smash his boss's smug face into a bloody pulp. Tohma Seguchi was a monster, and Suguru was like a beast captured in his lair for his own sick amusement. Well, it would take a kind and loving hero like Shuichi to rescue him and bring him back to a home that wouldn't belittle or scar him for the sake of deviant pleasures! He'd protect Suguru at all costs- even if that meant losing his job, his home, or his life.

Ryuichi watched Suguru intently. The boy had remained silent and completely unresponsive through the whole thing, but he was sure that he had heard everything. He also had no doubt that Suguru would come out of his shocked state. It was only a matter of how sane he would be when he came around that determined whether or not he'd be able to recover.

Hiro stood up. "… I have to go and relieve K," he muttered, and opened the door to leave.

"Hiro. Will you tell them?" asked Ryuichi.

"… Yeah," he said lifelessly, and closed the door behind him.

"Do K and Reiji really need to know?" asked Shuichi almost immediately. "I mean-"

"Yes. They do, if they're going to stand any chance against Tohma and Yuki. They need to know what they're dealing with here."

"I… I guess I understand…" Shuichi clutched Suguru to himself. Suguru let his head fall back and land on his friend's shoulder as he continued to stare blankly ahead, just like a doll. "It's just, how could he not have told us before?! It's impossible to forget something like that happening to yourself!"

"Shu-chan… think about it!" replied Ryuichi earnestly, his eyes shining and he suddenly leaned forward. "Why would anyone want to remember something so horrible? If it didn't make a person want to kill themselves, if they somehow managed to live through the initial trauma, they'd want to go on in any way possible- and that means forgetting all about it! Suguru went on as if it had never happened- as if the whole first twelve or thirteen years of his life had never happened that way. As far as he was concerned, he was a single child whose parents worked a lot and weren't very happy people. Would you be able to live normally if you had something like what Suguru experienced weighing on your mind every day?"

"I… I guess… not," admitted Shuichi slowly. It was terrible to place himself in his friend's position- he couldn't imagine what it would have been like. Not even being roughed up by Yuki was enough to help him empathize with the sheer magnitude of horror and hopelessness that Suguru had struggled through. "It's amazing he didn't die… that he lived through it all…"

"Isn't it, though? Suguru's made of stronger stuff than even Tohma guessed, I think," replied Ryuichi thoughtfully.

"I'm going to help him get through it! I promised him I'd never leave, and right now he needs me- I'll do whatever it takes." Shuichi drew himself up. "I don't care what happens to me as long as Suguru gets well again! I'll take on all of Japan if I have to, with my bare hands!"

Ryuichi smiled kindly. "Go to sleep, Shuichi, you're tired. I'll keep watch here."

"I'm n-not tired…" he protested, barely managing to stifle a yawn. "At least I w-wasn't until you said I was!" Suddenly his eyes became heavy and his head nodded forward despite himself. "Jerk…"

"It's okay. Just lay down." Shuichi complied and half-dragged himself and Suguru to a futon behind them. After he had gotten Suguru settled in, he stripped down to his boxers and snuggled underneath the warm blankets, and was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

"He's an interesting kind of guy, isn't he, Suguru-kun?" asked Ryuichi softly. Suguru's expression didn't change, but he refocused his gaze on to the older singer. "I don't expect you to talk, just to listen to me. Yuki's prowling around this apartment almost non-stop. Tohma will be here soon, I think- at least within the next few days. Your parents are dead. We're trapped here, and whatever they might tell Shuichi, your managers and maybe even Hiro know we don't stand a chance if Tohma and Yuki decide to come together. We'll have no choice but to open the doors to them and let them inside. When that happens, you have to be ready to defend yourself and Shuichi. You have to be much stronger than you are right now." Suguru briefly glared before his expression became neutral again. "It's the truth, Suguru-kun- it's time you stopped running from it. You've done an amazing job so far by telling as much as you have, but it's not over yet. Can you promise me you'll be ready to take on Tohma and Yuki when they get here?"

Suguru nodded just the slightest bit.

"Good. That's all I needed to be sure of. You can sleep now," he said. "Shuichi and I will be here when you wake up."

Suguru sighed and closed his eyes, falling back into blissful, forgetful sleep.

---

A/N: I'm not dead! (Yet.) I'm terribly sorry for taking so long… I had to regather all those threads that I had going… I hope I didn't do too horribly on this chapter… between getting a job and a driver's permit and HOMEWORK ON STEROIDS ZOMG, it's been… hateful. Oh so hateful. --

So… I have a feeling the next chapter will be the last one. Who wants an epilogue:D