I appreciate all the responses to the last chapter, even the ones that let me know they hate me now. I think it's great that some of you are that emotionally invested in this story and trust me, I'm not going to develop this relationship between two people just to completely blow it up. They are two very messed up individuals and facing the things that keep them screwed up, bringing them both to the brink of completely destroying what they have is what is best for them, well in my story anyway. Yes, this has been a love story and yes it has focused quite a bit on Kate and her loss, but you have to keep in mind that Jack has also been dealing with loss, the type of loss that psychologists and doctors list as the type of loss that is the most difficult to overcome. Losing a spouse and being forced to keep it together for the sake of a child is a very difficult journey, one that Jack has made by throwing himself into his work, spending what free time he had focused solely on his child and engaging in meaningless sexual relationships with women until he met Kate. Jack is every bit as unstable as Kate, his fear of losing again is keeping him on edge and when the fear of loss becomes too real for him he resorts to the destructive behavior of either alcohol and meaningless sex or both because that is his safe zone, a place he can go where nothing can hurt him. What you have seen so far with Jack in his relationship with Kate though is his ability to pull back before he allows his gut reaction toward destructive behavior to ruin the first taste of real happiness he's known in years. Will he be able to pull back this time? Could anyone really blame him if he didn't? More importantly, could he live with himself if he doesn't? Since the responses were so emotional I worked hard to get the next update out ASAP. Have a nice weekend!
Jack laid Brandi on the bed and followed on top of her, kissing her hard, almost angry. She pushed his shirt off of him and moved her hands over his shoulders and back. He was incredibly tensed up, too tensed up for a guy who was about to get laid. She pushed and coaxed until he gave in and rolled onto his back bringing her with him, perched on his stomach and chest looking down at him. She leaned in and kissed him softly, slowly moving her mouth along his jaw line and over his neck. She kissed her way over his chest allowing her hips to slide down over his hardness. She reached down between them and pulled his zipper down. He grabbed her hands and quickly rolled them back over, pinning her to the mattress.
"I'll do it." He said in a husky voice and began kissing her again.
"You're so hard Jack, I want you inside me now." Brandi hissed and felt his entire body jerk in response.
"Shh, don't talk. Okay?" He said softly and pushed the image of Kate whispering her demands into his ear out of his head.
He sat up on his knees and reached for the button on her pants. He unfastened her pants and slowly slid them down her legs, taking in her scent and how wet and hungry she was for him, just for him, just because he was enough to satisfy her needs sexually and not because she had any desire to connect with him emotionally. He left her panties on even though he was ready to rip them away and plunge into her and pound away until he could forget the last few months, forget the ache in his chest where his heart used to be and forget that the lump currently residing his throat hurt so bad he thought he might lose the ability to breathe.
He felt her hands slip inside the opening in the front of his pants and he let it all go, not his sexual hunger or his need to fuck something until it felt as bad as he did and certainly not the release that would've eventually come. What Jack let go of in that moment was the anger, hurt and fear that was consuming him and he had no control over the tears that were streaming down his face or the anguish he was feeling as he allowed himself to feel the pain, not just the pain of losing Kate, but the realization of how bad her knowing he had done this would hurt her.
He loved her so much and the idea of her hurting made him hurt for her, made him cry for her and made him wish he hadn't let this go as far as it had. He immediately pulled away from Brandi and sat on the side of the bed sobbing like he'd never sobbed in his life, not when Emily promised to spend the rest of her life with him, not when she gave birth to his beautiful son and not when she'd died in his arms.
Brandi sat up on her knees behind him truly concerned about him, rubbing her hand gently over his shoulders and trying to assure him that everything was going to be okay. Her mentor, a man she idolized and always would was crumbling in front of her and she felt her own tears building up, not because he wasn't going to sleep with her, but because he was completely broken and she never dreamed she'd ever see Jack this far gone. Sex and idol worship aside, he was probably one of the dearest friends she had and she cared about his well-being.
"I'm sorry Brandi, I can't do this." Jack choked through his sobs.
Brandi covered herself with his shirt, scooted off the bed and stood in front of him. She leaned in and hugged him. He resisted at first and then finally put his arms around her and let her hug him.
"It's okay Jack. Oh god you sweet, dear man, it's all going to be okay, what can I do to help, just name it and I'll do it." Brandi told him.
"Tell me where to find her, how to make her believe I don't ever want to hurt her. I can't lose her Brandi. I won't survive it again." He told her, his voice so desperate it broke her heart.
Brandi didn't know about the women Jack had been with prior to her or after she left, but she knew that the time they spent together his sleep was typically fitful, that his dreams were difficult and kept him tossing and turning and sometimes even talking, his emotional pain escaping the only way it could, the only way he would allow it to, hell bent on keeping his daily in-control doctor and father façade on for anyone that was paying attention. Brandi understood what he couldn't survive again and at that moment understood how deep his feelings for Kate ran.
"Jack, I can't believe that she honestly believes you want to hurt her." Brandi said.
"I let her down Brandi. I promised her I would never let her down, but just like Emily, I wasn't there for her when she needed me. She needed me to fight for us tonight, to not give in to her hysterical rants, to demand she put that ring back on and go home with me, but I didn't fight. I just gave up." Jack continued to beat himself up.
"Stop it Jack! You are only human. You had a really long and emotional day and got clobbered with accusations of infidelity and a ring thrown back in your face. You reacted the way anyone would've reacted. I don't know Kate, but she must be pretty special if she managed to break down your walls and get you to join the human race again. What I do know is that if I were head over heels in love with you, I too would be jealous of any woman that came within 100 feet of you so I can understand why she went a little crazy. You are an absolutely adorable man Jack and I'm not just talking about your physical attributes." Brandi lectured.
"I'm sorry I dragged you into this Brandi and I'm sorry I tried to use you for sex." Jack apologized.
"It's okay Jack and we are still friends and co-workers so don't even think about acting weird around me. Dr. Banks in plastics has been trying to get me to go out with him. What do you think? If you were a girl, would sleep with him?" Brandi teased trying to get him to relax and it worked. She got a smile and a light chuckle from him.
"Maybe you should try dating him for awhile before you sleep with him. I hear he's a pretty decent guy. Maybe someone you could make something with. Does Brandi ever fall in love?" Jack asked.
"I don't know; maybe now that I'm through medical school and have survived interning and my first year of residency." She answered.
"Thanks for putting up with me tonight Brandi. I should go." Jack said.
"Thanks for trusting me to put up with you tonight Jack. I hope you find her and work things out." Brandi said.
Jack put himself back together, grabbed his cell phone and the ring from the couch and walked away from Brandi's apartment. The experience shook him to the core. He was moments away from sleeping with another woman, but the experience had also left him feeling somewhat cleansed. He felt like he understood himself better. He wasn't sure what about himself he understood better, he just knew that he felt less splintered emotionally.
Jack drove around trying to figure out where Kate would go. He drove by the house that she and TJ had lived in and found it empty with a For Rent sign in the yard. He drove to the cemetery where TJ had been laid to rest and found fresh flowers, but no sign of Kate. He drove to her favorite beach and found nothing. He hadn't slept in over 36 hours and was having trouble putting a coherent thought together so he drove home. He took a shower and made his way down to the kitchen in search of aspirin, his head throbbing from the events of the day and night. He filled a glass with water and threw four of the tablets into his mouth. He swallowed the aspirin and set the glass on the counter. He reached for the light switch and the small wooden rack that hung on side of the cabinet caught his attention. The small rack was where they hung their spare keys to the cars, the house and to the cabin at Big Bear. The cabin keys were gone. Suddenly rejuvenated, the need for sleep no longer an issue, Jack took the stairs to his bedroom two a time, dressed and headed back out to his car.
Jack pulled up to the cabin, the sight of her car parked outside of it bringing a flood of relief through his entire body. He dimmed the headlights so he wouldn't frighten her, parked the car next to hers and slowly made his way to the front door. He thought about knocking and realized that too would probably scare her so he found the fake rock hidden amongst the other rocks, opened it, took the key out and let himself in. He walked into the cabin and found her lying in front of the fireplace, clutching the bear he had given her when TJ was in the hospital. He felt his tears building up again, the sight of her pregnant with his baby, lying all alone in a cabin in the mountains clutching a teddy bear for security, tugging at all the appropriate heart strings.
Jack slipped his shoes off and lay down beside her, wrapping his arm over her gently and falling asleep before his head hit the pillow. Kate woke to the sunlight streaming through the windows of the cabin. The fire had long since burned itself out, but she wasn't cold because there was a warm body wrapped around her. It startled her at first and then she breathed him in and knew it was Jack. He'd figured out where she went and come after her. After all the mean things she said to him and throwing his marriage proposal back in his face he'd still come after her. Her tears came in a river as she found herself holding tightly to his forearm until she felt him encouraging her to turn around.
She turned to face him and he pulled her into his chest, holding her as tight as she'd ever known him to hold her, his strong arms wrapped around her and his hands moving over her gently as a form of comfort and reassurance. They lay together, the only noise the quiet sobbing coming from both of them and they stayed that way until they fell asleep again, the vibrating in Jack's pant's pocket waking both of them about two hours later.
Jack pulled the phone out of his pocket and worked to focus in on the display. It was his mother and she no doubt was wondering if he'd abandoned Conner. He punched the redial button and smiled when Conner's voice answered.
"Where are you daddy? Where's mommy?" Conner asked.
"Mommy and I had some things to take care of bud." Jack answered.
"Grandma wants to know if she should pick me up from school." Conner said.
"Can I talk to grandma?" Jack asked.
"When are you coming home daddy?" Conner asked.
"Soon. Now put grandma on the phone." Jack answered.
"Jack, what's going on?" Margo's voice came through so loud he pulled the phone away from his ear.
"I'm sorry I didn't call mom. It's been crazy. Do you mind picking him up for me today?" Jack asked.
"No, but is everything okay? Kate was very upset when she dropped him off." Margo said.
"I know and I'm working on that. I need some time alone with her. Can you help me out?" Jack asked.
"Just keep me updated Jack. Conner doesn't understand all these shifts in his life lately." Margo told him her tone almost scolding.
"I know. Can you ask dad if he'll check on the surviving twin this morning and tell him I'll call him later?" Jack asked.
"Oh, he's going to love that Jack." Margo sighed.
"I know mom, that's why I said I'd call him later. Please and thank you." Jack said and hung up the phone before she had a chance to respond.
Jack shoved the phone back in his pocket and looked down at Kate. She was fully awake now, staring up at the ceiling, clutching the teddy bear to her chest.
"I can't believe you came after me. I'm not sure which one of us is crazier Jack." Kate mumbled.
"Kate, tell me what I have to do to earn your trust and I'll do it." Jack said.
"It's not you Jack, it's me." She said sadly.
"That might've been true before last night, but it's not anymore." Jack said.
Kate looked at him and could see the shame in his eyes.
"What ever you did Jack, I drove you to it so don't beat yourself up." Kate said.
"Kate, can we please just make this about us, instead your bad or my bad. We both caused this and you can only drive someone into another person's bed if the potential for that to happen is already there so maybe you weren't so crazy to think what you were thinking." Jack admitted and watched the fresh tears stream down her face.
"No, you never would've done it if I hadn't been such a bitch to you. You've been so patient and understanding and almost too good to be true. You give and I take and then ask for more and now I've screwed up everything." Kate cried.
"I didn't go through with it Kate and you have no reason to believe me, but I swear I did not sleep with her. I let things get way out of hand with her last night and even let things get as far as the bedroom, but I stopped, I couldn't do it." Jack told her.
"Couldn't do it as in literally couldn't or…." Kate asked.
Jack looked at her for a moment and finally understood what she was asking.
"No, no. I could've, believe me. That part of my body has no conscience and was ready to go. Kate, I'm not telling you this to make myself seem noble or like some really great honest guy, because what I did was anything but noble or even honest for that matter. It was shitty and vengeful and you and Brandi both deserve better than that from me. I have no good excuse. I was angry and hurt and afraid I'd lost you and I'd rather be dead than live without you." Jack told her his voice cracking.
"Don't say that Jack." Kate demanded his tone and the desperation in which it was delivered taking her by surprise.
"It's the truth Kate so why shouldn't I say it. You keep running away from me and I can't take it anymore. I love you so much and I would never hurt you Kate and would spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to make sure nothing could ever hurt you. Imagining how hurt you would be if I had slept with her is what stopped me and I know that telling you how far I let it get before I stopped it hurts, but if I didn't tell you now and you found out later that would be worse. Kate don't you understand that I could give up all the things in my life that are making you so unhappy, but I could never give you up." He pleaded with her.
"I'm not worthy of that kind of love and maybe what you did was shitty and vengeful, but I asked, hell I practically begged for it. I came up here to see if I could go back to the beginning, go back to the exact moment I fell so hard for you. This cabin and the day and the night we spent here will always be the most special memory I have of us. I'm sorry I screwed everything up Jack." Kate cried.
"You didn't Kate. I'm here and I'm not going to let you push me away again no matter how hard you try because I'd rather fight with you 20 times a day than spend one moment without you in my life." Jack told her.
"What if you can't convince me to stay Jack?" Kate asked.
"Why don't you want to stay Kate? Is the idea of a life with me really so awful?" He asked biting back the natural urge to be hurt.
"I'm scared Jack. I'm afraid to believe in that life, believe that I'm going to have this really great husband that loves his children, believe that he isn't suddenly going to change and never come home or when does come home just scream and yell and smack me around. It's always been easier to just avoid dreaming about a life I can never have. People that you truly love with all your heart either leave you behind or disappoint you." Kate said sadly.
"Kate, I'll never leave you intentionally and I hope I don't disappoint you. I'll never treat you any differently than I have since the day you met me, except I'll work on not letting my job consume me to the point of not being able to recognize that you need me, need my attention, need to know you are and always will be the center of my universe." He said.
"I don't deserve you Jack. I'm sorry I got so crazy." Kate said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and let him pull her into another tight embrace.
"You deserve the best Kate and I'm anything but the best, but I'll always treat you like someone that deserves the best of everything. I promise." Jack said and kissed her softly.
He held her and kissed her and eventually loved her. When he pushed inside her and stayed there, feeling her wet warmth wrapped around him while she gazed into his eyes with love and he wasn't sure but a hint of trust he became emotional. The anguish he'd felt the night before over the idea of hurting her replaced by the happiness that making someone you love feel safe and secure brings. He made love to her in the same manner he had the night TJ lay dying on the other side of the room except he made sure he told her he loved her several times during the act while promising he would always love her. When they finished they lay in each others arms and slept some more.
When she woke the next time he was gone and it scared her. She thought she'd dreamed the whole thing and she sat up and screamed for him so loudly it scared him enough to make him come running into the room.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"You're really here." She said and began crying again.
He walked over to her, sat beside her and cradled her in his arms.
"I'm really here and we are really getting ready to drive to Las Vegas to get married." He said and slipped the ring back on her finger.
"Jack." She started to protest.
"No Kate. No more stalling from either of us. We're going to do this and get started on our life together. If you want to do a big, formal wedding later I'm all for it, but today I just want to make you my wife and then we can start making decisions about our future together." Jack demanded.
"What decisions?" Kate asked.
"Where we want to live, what we want to name our baby, whether or not we want to keep Conner in a private school, whether or not you want to go back to working with kids, whether or not I need to transfer to another hospital away from Brandi. You know, life decisions, nothing major." Jack said and winked at her.
"I'm scared." Kate admitted.
"That makes two of us. I guess we'll be scared together." Jack said.