VI. How To Save A Life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
How To Save A Life is the property of The Fray.
Forget Me Not is the property of Lucie Silvas.
Author's Note: This chapter has a small Liberty portion at the end. Thanks for the reviews!
A woman with a crocheted shawl blows hard into a lime green handkerchief, smiles sweetly at the two boys seated on either side of her. Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust, shaking his head. Zack really didn't think it would be polite to ask an older woman to get up from her bus seat so they could sit next to each other. The woman came across a bit senile too, mumbling lottery numbers, then game show questions, then lottery numbers again. Paul eyed her suspiciously, then staring at the floor. It allows time for Zack to think.
Maybe it's better that they don't talk. He wouldn't admit it, but he was a little surprised, well, actually sad, that his uncle hadn't called yet. Based on all the accounts from her friends, Liberty seemed really nice and open. Still, what a bomb to drop on an unsuspecting person. She must have her own life going on, and messing it up is something he definitely doesnt' want to do. But would seeing him mess it up that badly? He takes off his baseball cap, runs a hand through his hair.
"Psst," whispers Paul, the woman staring at him. "What's our stop?"
"Degrassi Street and Third," replies Zack. "Shouldn't be long now."
"Oh, Degrassi, that's where my goddaughter went," says the woman, nodding. "Sweet little Darcy. In the missions field now, you know. Well, you two little darlings, be careful there. There's always something bad happening at that school. Shootings, violence...a murder awhile back."
Zack and Paul's eyebrows go up at the same time, waiting for the woman to continue. The bus stops, the door opening.
"Oh, there's my daughter's house," says the woman, happily. "So long, sweethearts."
The woman props herself up with a cane, the thudding sound of it echoing down the bus hall. Zack swallows a lump in his throat, as the bus door closes behind the woman.
"Great," mutters Paul. "We're going to a cursed place."
"Paul, come on...," starts Zack.
"Dude, I'm all about adventure and stuff, but murder!" exclaims Paul. "I'm...I'm staying on the bus."
"Wuss!" cries Zack, softly.
"Because I want to keep my body out of the line of danger?" says Paul.
"It can't be as bad as Seattle," reasons Zack. "You going to stay on the bus all day, check out Toronto via dirty bus window?"
"Place is pretty from the window," replies Paul tentatively, shrugging.
"Veronica would go," mumbles Zack. "Whatever. Meet here at four."
The bus driver stalls the vehicle in front of a residential neighborhood, birds chirping as the sun filters through his windshield. The bright rays meet Zack eyes, and he stands slowly, advances to the door.
"Thanks," says Zack, hopping off, hearing the door close behind him.
Ditched by his best friend. Meh, he should've known that without any motivation, namely dancing girls or a hockey game, Paul would look for green pastures. The playground in clear view is definitely green, however. Large, oak trees shade red monkey bars, a tall, grey slide, two reasonably big sandboxes. A boy and a girl aim water guns at each other, short spurts of water flying over a couple toddlers. No one looked bored, or sad. His dad's daycare, with Degrassi Park right next door. It's what he imagined it to be. Rarely does that happen. You can imagine a place, and have it fall short. Not today, though, and that leads Zack to start to walk forward.
Manny's description of Emma, the final friend to make up their posse, wasn't much help. He didn't say that to her, but saying a "blonde mom who totally needs to relax" may not do any good. There were a couple blonde moms, one helping her daughter onto a seesaw, another helping her son climb the steps to the slide. He watches them for a bit, hands in his pockets. The parent and child on the slide reach the top, the mom positioning the boy between her slim legs, the son screeching happily as they make their descent. His mother used to do that, and he'd feel the bump when they went down too. He's hoping they can weather any bump, even now that he's grown, that they won't care that he's here, searching for answers.
After their feet land in the sand, the woman dusts off her jeans, the boy wobbling for a little while, then running clumsily, towards him. Zack gives him a nervous grin, the boy smacking him hard on the thigh.
"Hey!" shouts Zack.
"You're it!" he yells, then laughs loudly.
"Jamie!" chastises the woman.
Jamie skips around Zack, hits him again, obviously wanting to initiate a game of tag despite his mother's protests.
"I can't play right now," says Zack, as gently as he can.
Jamie's mother crosses her arms, looks hard at her son. Jamie notices, sighs.
"What means do we promote in our household, Jamie Archibald Cameron?" scolds his mother.
Whoa, thinks Zack. Sounds like his father whenever he got in trouble.
"Peace," replies Jamie, though it sounds more like "peesh" with his small, high-pitched voice.
"That's right," asserts his mother. "If it's good enough for Ghandi, it's good enough for you."
Jamie mutters something under his breath, kicks some sand with his small tennis shoe. His mother bends down, ties his other shoelace. After finishing, she raises her head, stares into Zack's face. Strange, thinks Zack, carefully, slowly backing up. The mother's gaze shifts from left to right. Hmm, maybe Paul was right, and there is reason to be cautious. He should've stayed on the bus too.
The woman clears her throat, picks up Jamie who squirms in her grasp, heads for a picnic table. Man, I sure have a way of freaking older girls out, he thinks. The woman who hit him with the car, Paige, Manny, now her. But no, no, he has to find this Emma. Turning to his right, his nose smacks right into the chest of a man in a jean jacket, obviously in a hurry.
"Sorry, man," the guy apologizes, lugging what looks like a really heavy picnic basket.
"No prob," replies Zack.
The guy makes his way to Jamie and his mom, kisses the mother on the forehead. They appear to be a very nice family, like his own. Like Jamie, his parents were very protective, though he still knew that they cared. They seem less intimidating from this distance, and...wait, a blonde mom that totally needs to relax? Zack's jaw drops. The description totally fits. Taking a deep breath, he walks to the picnic table, passes a clattering seesaw with two kids playing on it.
"Give him the fruit juice, Sean," says the woman, putting a plate of baby carrots in front of Jamie.
"Emma, chocolate milk isn't going to kill him," asserts Sean, retrieving the juice anyway.
"Just buy skim," says Emma. "Less fat."
"He's four," sighs Sean. "No kids worry about fat when they're four."
"Fat's bad!" yells Jamie, happily, then stuffing a carrot in his mouth.
"See?" says Emma, beaming. "I'm not the only health conscious person here."
Sean laughs. "You taught him that."
Emma shrugs, glances up, notices Zack hovering. Sean raises his eyebrows at him. A very loud bird chirps in the silence, for about a full minute. Zack's palms grow more sweaty with each passing second.
"We don't buy candy bars," speaks up Sean, after clearing his throat.
"Um...," starts Zack.
"He's right," adds Emma. "We'd be willing to make a donation, though."
"You're...you're Emma, right?" blurts out Zack, surprised that he could string any coherent words together.
"Yeah?" answers Emma.
"My...my name is Zack," stammers Zack. "I...I'm sorry to bother you...only I...you...you knew my dad."
Emma twists her lips, stares past Sean at Zack. Okay, this is the longest stare ever, he thinks.
"J.T. Yorke," says Zack, softly, hoping that would help her out.
Wind rustles the trees as Emma drops her eyes. Something tells him she already knew there was something familiar about him, but was afraid to say it.
"Wow," breathes Sean, his blue eyes brightening.
Sean turns to his wife. "Em..."
"Yeah...um...um, Manny called," whispers Emma, laying down her napkin.
She's definitely disturbed that I'm here, he thinks. It serves me right. I can't assume that they'd all want to see me. Zack shakes his head, starts to walk away. He'd just stand awkwardly at the bus stop. Has to be better than the awkwardness here.
"Wait!" shouts Emma after him.
He stops right beside the monkey bars, now free from kids. Emma goes to him. She's pretty tall, skinny but healthy, blonde hair waving past her shoulders.
"This...this is hard," she says, standing in front of him, blinking back tears.
"I get it," says Zack.
"Saw you across the playground, and you just...you really stood out," says Emma, smiling sadly.
"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm the oldest kid, so yeah," jokes Zack, grinning shyly.
Emma laughs quietly. "True. And Jamie immediately liked you. He's...he's named after J.T., you know?"
Zack puts on a strained smile. If anyone should be named after him, he thought he'd be the one who...no, that was selfish. Besides, he thought it was sweet that someone who knew his dad would honor him in that way. I like my name anyway, he reminds himself.
"James," says Emma to herself.
"I like it," replies Zack.
"So Manny tells me that you're interested in learning more about him?"
"Actually, both my parents."
Emma cocks her head. "What, Liberty's so secretive, she hasn't told you anything?"
"That...or, um, haven't met her," reveals Zack, guiltily.
He really thought he'd get another shocked expression. No, nothing.
"I showed up to meet my dad without him knowing too," sighs Emma. "Not always a nice way to do things, though I'm sure in your case, it'll be different."
Oh, she went through the same thing as well? Hmmm, interesting.
"Did you find out stuff you liked?" inquires Zack.
"More like stuff I didn't expect," says Emma. "It all worked out."
"Can you tell me a few things?" asks Zack. "Anything."
II.
Emma looks around the park, somewhere she went so often with J.T. and Manny. They used to be pirates seeking buried treasure under the jungle gym, Manny usually stopping mid-way through the story because she insisted on being a princess instead. The next day, they'd play kickball in an open area, and Emma made sure to pick someone who got usually got picked last first the next time. J.T. thought that was a dumb move, but it wasn't a big deal to her. She was never that competitive, and she enjoyed doing her own thing. Being captain appealed to her, however. She loved, still loves being a leader. Her favorite memory in the park had her taking charge.
Pigtails brushing her cheek, blonde bangs increasing the summer sun beating down on her forehead, Emma attached some paper to her clipboard. The pavement of the street was so hot she could feel it through her light blue Keds. The clattering wagon behind her came to an abrupt stop, forcing her to throw back a look of annoyance.
"Child...child labor," breathed J.T., resting on the sidewalk, then leaping up. "Oww! Hot sidewalk!"
J.T. sat down again, sighed happily. Emma groaned, tried to pull J.T. up. Man, when did he get so heavy? But nope, he was not helping, resisting by making sure his butt stayed put. Emma's effort elicited a few chuckles from J.T.
"Ants are crawling in my butthole, but I ain't moving," asserted J.T.
Emma hit him with her clipboard, a Hello Kitty sticker fluttering off.
"Owww!" complained J.T. "And you lost your cat sticker!"
"Forget the sticker!" cried Emma. "Resting isn't going to save the baby seals in Alaska."
"I'm tired, Emma," groaned J.T.
"Someone's clubbing a baby seal while you act like a baby, and while Manny's at her ballet lesson," said Emma.
"I'm not a baby!" protested J.T., rising. "And you know Manny's dad makes her take ballet."
"Whatever," muttered Emma. "She didn't help yesterday when she was free."
J.T. rolled his eyes. "I'm here. Let's go."
Emma squealed, hugging J.T.
"Gross," said J.T., squirming. "Gotta get some guy friends. They don't hug."
They hit a few more houses, J.T. and Emma handing each of them a pamphlet on the plight of the baby seals, full of statistics and scary pictures. Emma thinks the pictures are partly the reason why Manny wouldn't help. They freaked her out, to the point where Manny cried when she first saw them. Luckily, J.T. was man enough to distribute them without fear. Well, as man enough as any nine-year old could be.
Spike refused to let them go past the street Emma's grandmother lived on, so they obediently came to a stop near the park, J.T.'s face lighting up as they gave away the last pamphlet. He dropped the wagon handle, ran to the park. Emma caught up to him, light summer breeze blowing on her shoulders, exposed under a pink tank top, and her legs, halfway covered by white shorts. J.T. climbed on top of the jungle gym, orange shirt ruffling in his ascent.
"I am king of the park!" yelled J.T., pounding his chest like King Kong.
Emma placed one hand on the gym, stared pathetically up at J.T.
"Come on, Nelson!" said J.T.
Emma gulped, slowly going, leg following arm, arm following leg, without peering down. In a few moments, she was up there with him.
"You scared?" teased J.T.
"No," lied Emma, hands shaking.
"Yes, you are!" insisted J.T. "I'm brave...I'm braver than Emma Nelson for once!"
Emma frowned, letting her head fall, shaking all over. J.T. glanced at her, gently took her hand. A small smile escapes Emma's lips.
"I don't like people knowing I'm scared," whispered Emma.
"Me either," admitted J.T.
"Why do you think that is?" asked Emma.
"People believe they gotta be strong all the time," said J.T. "Like a wrestler."
"Wrestling promotes sexism," sighed Emma. "You shouldn't watch that."
"Emma, they got female wrestlers now," said J.T. "They beat up men. Get with the times."
"Really?" said Emma. "Oh."
Muscular men pounding each other still didn't appeal to her, but she left it alone. The day was so gorgeous anyway. Mosquitoes or flies weren't attacking them. There were only two other boys, eating ice cream Push-ups on the swings. Her gaze drifts to the open space where they played kickball. Really green, but pretty boring.
"J.T. , do you ever think you'll get married?" she said.
"What?" cried J.T., quickly letting Emma's hand go.
"Not offering, dummy," said Emma. "I was only wondering."
"Uhhh...uhhhhhh," stuttered J.T., face flustered.
"There's good stuff about it," interrupted Emma. "The person would love you, and try and protect you."
"From what?" said J.T., shrugging. "Bullies?"
"No, adult stuff," said Emma. "Heartbreak, pain, sadness."
"We're only nine. Don't have to worry about all that."
Emma nodded, not sure if she agreed. At times, her own mother was sad, maybe because she wanted to do a lot of things she didn't get to do, because of her. Go to college, travel the world, date nice guys, or really, date at all. It lead her to leave the house, or go to her grandmother's, if only to give Spike some peace. She thought these dreams might be rude since she has the same ones, but can hopes be rude? Well, she does hope to travel the world too, make some difference. Finding a husband that understood that would be icing on the cake. J.T. sorta did..the other boys in school thought she was weird.
"Would you... marry me... if there was no one else?" stammered Emma, blushing.
"We're...we're friends," answered J.T., glancing down through the jungle gym.
"Yeah," said Emma.
"So we don't have to get married, for me to like...I don't know, make sure you're happy," continued J.T., smiling at her briefly.
Emma tugs at her tank top, grinning. "That makes sense."
It did, and unlike things between J.T. and Manny, things were never complicated between her and J.T. That was probably the most rewarding part of knowing him. J.T. and Toby had some falling outs in the middle of their Degrassi years, also something foreign to her friendship with J.T. Nicely consistent is what she'd called their bond. That included J.T.'s semi-promise that he'd always try and make her happy.
The very hard months of their junior year came without anticipation. How did they know that Liberty would get pregnant, or that her mother's marriage to Snake would start falling apart, or that Manny's video would circulate the school? All Emma felt that year was this building pressure, this need to keep going without sitting down. If she sat down, things might pile up, split her open, reveal her weaknesses. Control came so easy, fixing meals for her mother and Manny, minding Jack, scheduling time with Peter. Grades became secondary, and eventually, so did eating. Limited time lead to her cutting it out, walking past the refrigerator, scraping food off plates to get to her chemistry homework. You can't eat if you know you're always going to feel so empty. Doing different things made her feel full, important.
Then, there was a day the control got lost, and seering pain tore at her muscles, at her heart the most. So much shock when she lay in Manny's arms, stared into her parents' worried faces. Her body couldn't be ignored anymore she guessed. Staying in the hospital was the worst. She loved to move, and to talk, and she missed the cancer relay, the only event that year she was excited about. Snake, her mom, Peter and Manny came in routinely, asking the usual– how she felt, what she ate. It was definitely a relief, when J.T. came in, not asking about that stuff, bearing balloons and his trademark, sly grin.
He set down his backpack, started to tie balloons to the handle of a drawer, one "Get Well" balloon bouncing off his nose before it wiggled upwards. The action made Emma smile. She stretched her legs, the coldness of the sheets bothering her. Hopefully, she'd be out soon, after they monitored her habits, saw that yes, she wants to get better. J.T. sat next to her on her bed, removing a digital camera from his light jacket.
"I can sit here, right?" asked J.T. "I'm not squashing you?"
"You're fine," replied Emma.
J.T. hit a couple buttons on the camera, Emma looking down at the small window, where the first picture appears.
"This is Toby, clutching his tummy, out of breath," started J.T.
Emma put her knees to her chest, beaming as she views Toby running under a banner that said First Annual Degrassi Race for the Cure Relay.
"He finished," praised Emma, clapping her hands.
"Yep, the last one," said J.T. "Here's Derek and Danny pouring Gatorade on him."
Emma laughed slightly. "Awww, poor Tobes."
"Eh, I think he got a kick out of it," said J.T. "Made him feel like a champion. Here's me posing with Paige and Liberty."
She took the camera from him at that point, seeing the two girls flank her friend. J.T.'s smile is the brightest. It's somewhat startling to see him smile so bright, after such a rocky year. He had been on suicide watch, lost his son, and his relationship with Liberty really was up in the air. What kept him going on? Surely, something more than his sense of humor. Whatever it is, she wishes she could borrow it, get back on track, have fun with her friends.
"You guys are happy," choked out Emma, her vision getting blurry.
"Well, we were thinking about all the good you wanted us to do," said J.T., earnestly.
Emma sniffled. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," replied J.T.
She laid her head on the pillow. Some good she was doing, being in this bed. All these medical terms were thrown around her room: diagnosis, anorexia nervosa, cognitive-behavioral therapy. They became wooden after awhile, the words landing in her head with a thud, heavy, but with her feeling no impact. Part of it hasn't hit her yet.
"I must look so weak," whispered Emma. "They had to feed me with this tube, and I feel...so, so tired, J.T."
"You look alright to me," comforted J.T., gently standing up from her bed.
"Feels like my body is giving up," said Emma. "It's fighting me."
"Then fight back," said J.T., forcefully. "Em, we...we can't lose you."
"Manny said the same thing."
J.T. rubbed Emma's shoulder, his wet eyes meeting her stare. Right then, it's almost as if they're back at the top of the jungle gym, with that inexplicable fear that bad times were coming, and that the only way that she can overcome them is being with people who cared for her.
"We almost lost you," pointed out Emma.
That whole month was horrible, wondering when J.T. would leave suicide watch, if he'd try to kill himself with pills a second time, or something quick and more painful. Watching him walk out of the hospital door finally gave her the greatest sense of relief. Toby told her once that J.T.'s mind drifted sometimes, but it always came back. She thought he'd always come back.
"What I did was cowardly," whispersed J.T. "I know that now. You have to be strong...when you've got people counting on you."
"Who's counting on me?" sighed Emma. "I'm too weak to..."
"If you were weak, you wouldn't be here," interrupted J.T. "The Emma we know...fights for what she believes in. I..I hope you believe your life is worth it. I do."
Emma let the tears rush down her cheeks, held J.T. Such a thing to say in a small moment. She never forgot it. In fact, his words drove her to improve, that and some will to do the things she thought she'd always do. It's just...just she thought J.T. would be around to hear it all when she finally did them.
The final semester was truly difficult at first. Toby, Mia, and Liberty cleaned out his locker, which she's sure was excruciating for them, but they didn't live near the murder scene. Manny left the house too, so she had to face the place alone. As soon as she could, she signed up for the Peace Corps, to get away from this place, to follow her goals. She wrote Sean e-mails about the excursions, then kept up with him all the way through university. They dated for a year, then he finally popped the question at her home, in front of her parents. Finally, one memory she didn't want to wash away, some happy tears in a place with more painful memories. A couple years after their wedding, and Jamie made his grand appearance, "the most anticipated event since the Oscars", proclaimed Manny. Emma thought it one of Manny's more appropriate sayings, clutching her son to her chest. Sean suggested the name, and they all thought that was appropriate.
III.
Glancing in her son's direction, she grins. Jamie makes her laugh everyday, from his impersonation of Sean scowling at their disobedient car, or him mispronouncing the ingredients on food labels, or trying to outburp her brother Jack. He makes her happy without trying, just like his namesake.
"Why was my dad in the hospital?" asks Zack, bringing Emma's attention back to him.
Emma told him a small portion of the story, that J.T. needed some therapy in the year before he passed. That said, you don't want to tell a kid that his dad was dealing drugs, even if it was to get some money for the child.
"He had a sad year, talked to some people," replies Emma. "Um...anything else?"
"Not really," says Zack. "Thanks for telling me about you guys. It sounds like he liked to make people laugh. That's sorta me too."
"He was a real entertainer," says Emma. "Oh wow. Have a thought. Do you have any more free time today?"
"Honestly, yeah," answers Zack. "My friend ditched me...until four."
Emma grins, leads Zack to the picnic table, where she sees Jamie happily slurping chocolate milk through a straw.
"Sean!" moans Emma.
Sean smirks. "Calcium is good too."
"Calcium!" exclaims Jamie.
"Fine," sighs Emma.
"You guys have a good talk?" asks Sean.
"Yep, and we're going to have a good lunch," says Emma. "Then we're going somewhere."
Zack raises his eyebrows, takes the peanut butter sandwich Emma hands him.
"Nuts!" yells Jamie.
Zack and Sean chuckle quietly.
"Oh boy," whispers Emma.
IV.
Liberty fumbles for the banister, finally finds the edge of the staircase. From outside, Toby's apartment complex didn't look that big. She's sure the comic book business is paying him big bucks, but she always figured he'd live somewhere simple and small. Eh, maybe Kendra's influence. She had always been a go-getter.
Climbing to the third floor, she stares at the door to Toby's apartment. Today is one of those holidays the Americans celebrated, so she didn't know if that meant Toby was home or not, since Buzz Comics was based in New York, she thinks. But she really believes he'd be the best person to discuss this with. Taking several deep breaths, she knocks.
Toby parts the door, and they greet each other with a smile. She still somewhat towered over him.
"Hey," says Liberty.
"Haven't seen you in awhile," says Toby. "Come in."
He ushers for her to sit in a recliner, facing the TV, then sits opposite her. Photographs of him and Kendra line the mantle, and a larger, framed photo of the Crimson Kid is next to those. J.T. loved that comic book, and here Toby was, continuing its legacy. Speaking of legacy, sighs Liberty inwardly.
She's completely sure this will be an odd exchange. However, recalling that he was the one who stuck by her and J.T. through the pregnancy propels her to speak.
"My...my son is here," says Liberty, barely above the air conditioning flowing through the apartment. "He's...he's showed up."
"I...I met him," confesses Toby.
Liberty grips the soft arm of the recliner, shakes her head. Unbelievable. She honestly thought Toby would feel exactly how she felt, that he'd share in the shock. She makes for the door.
"Liberty...," begins Toby, going after her.
This motion is like old times, with him trying to help. His help became awkward at one point, with them sharing a kiss, a kiss they got past, but he can't help now. Toby blocks her.
"Do you remember the promise you made?" he questions.
Liberty rolls her eyes, reaches for the doorknob. Move on automatic pilot, the best coping mechanism. However, it's so hard, so hard to forget.
"You do remember, don't you?" he asks, seeing a small amount of clarity in her expression.
How can she forget? There was lots of rain that day, a total contrast to the sunshine outside Toby's apartment window. Droplets bounced off black and white umbrellas held by the Class of 2008, onto graduation caps, blue gowns, gold honor sashes. Her leg bounced as she sat under the tent, erected to cover the commencement speakers, herself, the elected graduation speaker, Emma, Mr. Simpson, and Principal Hatzilakos.
That was the first graduation ceremony that Degrassi held outside, in the park nearest school, in the open field which would eventually become the site for J.T.'s dream of a daycare. Toby and Emma really pushed for the idea to hold it there, Liberty remaining silent as the idea met with a unanimous yes from the Council. People probably thought she was still in shock since she didn't speak. Maybe so.
Liberty righted her sash, listened to Principal Hatzilakos share the accomplishments of the year with the parents, who turned out in numbers despite the rain. She guessed it had something to do with the dedication.
"And now we will have a special presentation by our student body president, and valedictorian, Liberty Van Zandt," said Principal Hatzilakos into the microphone.
Her heart sped up as she walked to the podium. More than two hundred, eager eyes watched her. She gulped, proceeded, like it was a regular speech. They could only dig out the emotions of the words if they were looking for it. Turns out they were.
"Last semester, our class lost someone very close to us," said Liberty, hearing rain pelt the top of the tent. "Today, we celebrate on a place that was dear to him, a place where he grew up, enjoying the twin beauties of innocence and playfulness."
She heard Emma sobbing behind her, Snake reaching over to stroke his daughter's back.
"Anyone that knew James Tiberius Yorke is well aware that these are two sentiments he wished to promote. His caring spirit nurtured us at Degrassi, and his love of children, displayed in our halls and in his short stint as a children's TV host, made him well-known throughout the community. That is why, on this momentous occasion, we wish to honor what would've been his last milestone as a child, about to head out into adulthood. We ask for a moment of silence as we lay J.T. Yorke's honorary diploma and cap among the Class of 2008."
Liberty coughed quickly, as Emma and Snake stood. Snake handed her J.T.'s cap, then a framed diploma, a black ribbon attached to the back that would be handed to his grandmother later, as she didn't have the strength to come that morning. Emma grabbed her hand reluctantly, Liberty grasping J.T.'s cap tightly. Holding Emma's hand released something in her, an annoying, almost painful lump forming in her throat, sliding down into her chest.
In silence, they walked near the end of the row of chairs, filled with graduates, watching the two girls float by. Liberty didn't feel like she was floating, her body gone, only her hand situating the cap onto the seat. Rain covers the cloth of the cap, wetting the tassel. The boy nearest the chair, some kid with a Z name, held his umbrella over the chair. Liberty nodded her thanks, then her gaze found Toby and Manny, crying silently in their corners. She couldn't move after that, looked hopefully at Emma. Emma gently pried the diploma out of Liberty's hands, laid it next to the cap.
Liberty focused on the cap for a second. The black softness, the hard surface, without a head underneath. J.T. would've decorated it. She should've decorated it. She covered her mouth so the moment of silence would remain, but she buried her head in Emma's shoulder.
Somehow, she made it to her seat again, allowed for the more positive experience of graduation to overwhelm her. Toby reminded her that J.T. would want her to be happy. The clouds even started to clear near the end, around the time Manny got her diploma. She bragged that she made the clouds go away after the ceremony, as they sampled the buffet afterwards.
"I like outside ceremonies," commented Darcy, smoothing out her short, green skirt. "Next year, I'm making sure we have it out here."
"Will you wear that short skirt again?" asked Peter, putting an arm around her.
"Yeah, but it won't be for you!" teased Darcy.
"Ugh, Mom approaching," groaned Peter, grabbing Darcy's hand.
"Congrats, guys!" whispered Darcy, running to the other side of the area.
They all laughed, Liberty sipping some punch. Principal Hatzilakos beamed at all of them.
"I'm so proud of you, guys," said Principal Hatzilakos. "Liberty, your speech, truly touching."
"Thanks," said Liberty.
"I'll be looking forward to seeing where you guys take your Degrassi educations," she said. "Have to speak the rest of the graduates. Good luck."
They all said bye, Emma glaring after her. Manny elbowed her, clearly not wanting her friend to get into any last confrontation with the woman who almost tore her parents' marriage apart.
Under the tent, Ashley is playing piano, singing into the microphone, gown undone to expose a pretty silver dress. Jimmy backs her on acoustic guitar, Spinner on drums. She sings, in a pretty, calm voice:
Forget me not, I ask of you
Wherever your life takes you to
And if we never meet again
Think of me every now and then
We had just one day to recall
Now all I want is something more
Than just a fading memory
Left wondering what could have been.
"Can't...can't imagine us not being together anymore," speaks up Manny, smiling sadly.
"Bound to happen sooner or later," sighed Toby.
"Toby!" exclaimed Emma and Manny at the same time.
"Sorry," replied Toby, lowering his head.
"You...you guys are going to be in the same country at least, right?" said Emma. "I mean, after I get out of the Peace Corps, I want friends to hang out with."
"I'll be in L.A. for a year, but I'm definitely coming to T.O. as much as possible," promised Manny. "Visit you and Toby."
"And...and you, Liberty?" prompted Toby.
Liberty rubbed her forehead. "I...I haven't planned that far ahead. I...did get into Stanford."
"Oh," said Manny, disappointment evident in her voice.
Liberty's head was really starting to pound. She was very tempted to bail on this whole afterparty.
"That speech...that speech, guys...," she muttered.
"Brought everything back?" finished Emma.
Liberty shook her head. She couldn't keep being emotional. That wasn't her. In front of all those people. Her parents and Danny acted like it didn't happen, but they definitely tried to get something out of her on the car ride home. Toronto bred all these things she can't handle. Then again, this is where she met him, fell in love with him. Toronto tied them together. Canada was home. Looking from Manny to Emma to Toby, they were home too. J.T. brought them into one circle, and who is she to break it apart? It seems a bit cruel to say no, see ya later.
Isn't it a shame, that when timing's all wrong
You're doing what you never meant to,
There's always something that prevents you.
Well I believe in fate, it had to happen this way
But it always leaves me wondering whether...
In another life we'd be together.
We should feel lucky we can say... we've always got yesterday
"Guys, I...I really don't want to leave," cried Liberty, tears sliding down her cheeks.
"You promise?" whispered Manny.
"I promise," whispered Liberty.
Manny, Liberty, and Toby embrace in a group hug, a hug that was so similar to when they found out that J.T. wouldn't join them on this day, or any other day.
The memory will follow her everywhere, more permanent than this gown, her diploma, this hug. Wherever they go, he will be carried, loved, sustained, saved in her heart if she can help it.
"Toby, that was awhile ago," says Liberty, ducking into his kitchen, relatively clean for two young adults. "It has nothing to do with..."
"It has everything to do with Zack!" argues Toby.
Zack. That's her son. So odd hearing that name, makes it more the real that he's waiting, waiting to hear from her. Burning tears impair her vision, and she sobs.
"What do I do?" exclaims Liberty. "What would J.T. want?"
"Ummm..."
"Toby, you knew him as well as I did!" whispers Liberty through her tears. "I need to know."
"He'd want you to do what makes you happy," offers Toby, quickly.
Yeah, that's pretty much what ran through her mind after Danny left. That and the fact that J.T.'s bravery, through suicide watch, and ending the rivalry with Lakehurst, were very mature decisions, decisions she knew J.T. had in him. He didn't run, like she is doing. No running.
Liberty sniffles. "You're...you're right...and I don't...I don't know what that is."
"Maybe...maybe then, you should ask yourself what would make Zack happy," says Toby, quietly.
She brushes past Toby, places one shaking hand on the phone against the wall.
"I'll...I'll leave you alone," says Toby, slowly smiling.
Picking up, she dials. Her fingers find the numbers.
"Hello? Danny?"