Chapter 5

Protecting Through Sacrifice

Angel sat in his office, and opened the file he kept in a hidden drawer in his desk. The hiding place was a redundant measure however, since the file had been magically concealed to only reveal its contents to him. To anyone else the folder looked empty. He now knew that Connor had regained his memory of the previous year. When Connor had walked out of his office the last time Angel had seen him, what he had said would forever resonate in Angel's mind. Although he hadn't wanted Connor to know about the horror of a life he had been born into, Connor's knowledge of his past granted Angel with the most touching statement anyone had ever said to him before or since. "You gotta do what you can to protect your family. I learned that from my father." It was in that moment Angel was assured that all the sacrifice was worth it.

Angel wanted so much to contact him, to call him at school and check up on how he was doing. But he feared he would only intensify the memories Connor had regained, and if it changed the healthy boy he had grown into, he would never forgive himself. Angel had practically sold his soul to Wolfram and Hart to give his son a normal life. And in this agreement he had given up the only child he would ever have; the child that was never meant to be.

He had been worried that Connor would balk at the knowledge that Angel was a vampire; even more so when he regained his memory. But he had seen it as cool, and reveled in the newfound ability he possessed calling himself a superhero. Angel wondered if Connor needed him to help him deal with this newfound knowledge. Connor decided to keep the secret of his ability to himself, to not even share it with his family. Did he have anyone to talk to, to confide in? Angel doubted it. To be different, especially at Connor's age, was to kill any hope of a social life.

Angel had watched Buffy deal with this aspect of her life for years, never really finding a place in her life where she didn't feel disconnected from it. He would watch her, surrounded by her friends, but still so very alone. Even when they had been together, and desperately in love, the disconsolation had never left her.

Now he wondered if she had finally been able to find a sense of belonging halfway across the world. She was no longer just one of two slayers with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Faith had never felt this burden. Buffy had always carried it alone. Now there was a world of slayers willing to place pieces of this globe on theirs, finally giving her some peace. This had given her the opportunity to finally take that trip to Europe she had always dreamed of but never expected could be a reality. He missed her. He hadn't heard from her since the night he had brought her the medallion, and been forced to walk away from her again, fading into the shadows wishing she would allow him to stay and help her fight yet another apocalypse. But she had sent him away, and he believed the choice had been less about readying a second front, and more about her relationship with Spike.

"So this is what the CEO of an evil law firm does all day, eh? Stare at empty file folders?"

This was all Angel needed. "Spike, what did I say about barging into my office unannounced?"

"That is was manly and impulsive?"

"I believe my exact words were don't"

"Yeah, well, I have a problem that needs immediate attention."

"And what would that be Spike? Bored, no one else to annoy?"

"Oh don't be jealous pet, you know I'm a one man annoyer. But that's not the problem. This training with Blue just isn't working out. Here I am trying to suss her out, like you asked, and Miss Leather Queen of the Damned, refuses to cooperate, she just keeps beating the sodding hell out of me. And don't even get me started on the clipboard. We have rules you see, wanna hear'em?"

"Not enough blood in the world Spike. Besides this would concern me how exactly? Oh I see. The little wisp of a girl scares the big bad vampire?"

"I don't see you trading blows with the bloody harlot."

"Well, that's because I'm the CEO. Now get out of my office, I have actual work to attend to."

"Yeah, you keep up your paper shufflin'... So, how many paper demons have you killed today?"

"Spike, out!"

Angel wanted nothing more than to send Spike away, just get him out of LA where it seemed Spike's only joy in life was to make his life a living hell. Except that Angel had been to hell, and dealing with Spike was making the idea of returning there more enticing everyday. But Angel always stopped from actually bringing this option to fruition when he thought about where Spike would go. He knew exactly where that was, and Angel couldn't bear it. The thought that Spike and Buffy might pick back up where they had left off, tortured his soul. He tried to believe that what he and Buffy had trumped anything she ever had with Spike. But in truth, he couldn't shake the memory of their last conversation in which she admitted Spike had a place in her heart. He knew that in the end it wouldn't matter as neither of them would ever be able to give her the life she needed, especially now that she had the opportunity to have the normal life she had always wanted. So in the end, he doubted either of them would stay in her heart. It would eventually belong to another.

A/N - Thank you brencon for reviewing. I really do appreciate the feedback! You get a new chapter, if I don't see some additional reviews, I'll start sending them to you directly...come on people, let me know what you think...am I on the right track...do you want to see more of one character...I'm here for you...just review me. Thanks again brencon - you've kept me going.