End of Innocence v2.0

By Dixxy

Chapter Eight: A New Way of Life

The first several weeks were some of the most awkward in my entire life. The people at the TCC were all more than helpful to me as they showed me how to do everything I'd need to do in order to take care of my child. Suddenly I was thrust into a world of diaper rashes, baby formula, and classes on caring for sick children, all the while having to apply them to my own.

I don't know how I would have been able to do it without Kojiro. He attended almost all of the classes I took and when he wasn't in class, he was trying to find jobs and an apartment for the two- THREE- of us. There were even nights that I was so miserable and tired that he would tell me to stay in bed while he calmed and put down a fussy Ariel. I'd watch him from my pillow and smile as the baby would eventually stop crying and move on to giggling or gurgling. He really WAS good with kids.

In addition to all of my child care classes, Kojiro eventually convinced me to see the psychologist and get help for my other problem. The "convincing" phase went on for a week- I kept telling Kojiro I was all right and that I could handle it. On day seven, he handed me a list of reasons why I should see the psychologist. And it was a long list, too. It had benefits for both me and for Ariel on it. Truth be told, it was some of the things on Ariel's list that caught my interest. Sure, all of them were related to my reasons, but it gave me some serious food for thought.

For one, Kojiro guessed that now that the trust and love involved in a relationship had been betrayed on my part, I would have trouble functioning in a normal one. My friend went on to reason that if I wasn't able to start dating again and even marry, Ariel would never have a mother figure. Sure, if I'd had a boy that might've been all right, but even as feminine as I was, she needed an older female influence in her life. So, thanks to Kojiro, I was on my way to a mental recovery that I needed.

The psychologist was a nice old lady who listened to any rambling I might've had in relation to either the rape or my daughter. She was very good about explaining to me what I could try to do to get my life in as much order as I could. She told me that I may never fully get over what happened to me with everything ranging from flashbacks to bad dreams. That wasn't something that settled too well with me. Sure if I had a flashback when Ariel was a baby she wouldn't remember it, but after she hit two or three, she'd start remembering those kinds of things. I wanted to know how I could suppress them.

Dr. Omasami (the psychologist) pointed me in the direction of some rape recovery groups and some teen parent discussion groups. She told me that while she and Kojiro were both great people to talk to, neither one of them could relate to me. Neither one of them had ever been raped. They didn't know what it was like to be violated like that. And I hoped to the Lord they never would.

A few days after I started seeing Dr. Omasami, Kojiro advised me to try and call the others to let them know I was all right. "They have the right to know you're alive, Cye. I bet they're worried sick about you," he said. The two of us were in our room, me rocking Ariel to sleep. "You were involved with a great group of guys. You were all so close and open with each other."

"I know," I said. While Kojiro didn't understand why we were all so close, he could sense it. Feel it, maybe. The armors have created an incredibly strong link between the five of us, a link that held us all together and at times kept us sane. I missed them terribly. I really wanted to talk to them about it, but I was too embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened to me, and now that there was a child involved. . . no. I just couldn't face them.

I made the phone call the night after Kojiro recommended I call them. My friend and the baby were in our room while I made the call from a pay phone down the street. I didn't want the others to hear the baby in the background if I could help it. Then they'd criticize me before I had a chance to tell them what happened.

I had no intention of telling them about the rape, but I did want to do what Kojiro had suggested- call them to tell them I was okay. I wasn't going to tell them where I was, why I was there, or what had happened the night I left. They didn't need to know that much. Not yet. Oh, they'd be worried sick all right, but. . . no, I just couldn't.

I dialed the number to Mia's mansion and waited for either an actual person or the answering machine to pick up. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. I heard a clicking sound on the other end. Someone was home. Question was, who was home to answer the phone? "Hello?"

I closed my eyes. "Kento? That you?"

"Cye, where the hell are you? Are you all right? What happened? Are you hurt! Oh, please don't tell me you're in a hospital! We're all worried sick over you! Mia hasn't stopped driving around to all the hospitals and shelters in Toyama since you left! Damn it, she even tried the morgue once!" my best friend said over the phone.

"Kento, calm down, I'm all right," I said. I sighed heavily. "Kento, look, I'm really sorry that you're all worried about me, really, I am." I started to twist what I could of the phone cord around my finger. "But. . . Kento, please, try to understand. I can't come home."

"What do you mean you can't come home? Cye. . . we aren't the You-Know-What without you!" Kento said. "Please, come home, whatever it is we'll work it out, I promise you that. If it's something you did or something that happened you know that we'll support you through it."

I bit my lip, trying to hold back tears. "I wish I could, Kento," I said. "But. . . please try to understand. Something happened to me and now my life is never going to be the same ever, ever again. And I have to deal with this. I can't turn my back on it. If you knew what it was. . . I'm afraid you'd just hang the phone up on me."

"I would never do that, Cye," said Kento. "Where are you? I'll go pick you up."

"I don't want to be picked up, Kento," I said. "I just wanted you all to know that I'm all right. Do you think I want to be having this conversation with you? You think I want to just walk out on you? Hell no! Every last part of me wants to go back home but the bottom line is I CAN'T. I don't even know if I could go back to England to see my mum and my sister. Kento, my life is never going to be the same again." By then tears were streaming down my cheeks. "My life is in such a disarray right now. I need some time to try and get everything back together before I can go home."

Kento stayed silent for a few seconds. "Why?"

I continued to try and fight my tears. "Something happened to me. This something isn't necessarily bad, but it isn't necessarily good, either. But it isn't something I can just turn my back on. It's something I have to deal with or else I'll never be able to forgive myself," I said quietly.

"What happened to you?"

"I. . . I. . . God, Kento, I can't," I said, close to fully breaking down. I sniffled. "I'm too embarrassed to say what it is- you'd all just disown me or worse. You guys are my friends, and at that, some of the best friends I've ever had. I don't want this. . . change, to affect how you look at me."

"Cye, if you don't tell me what your damned problem is then how the hell can I disown you for it? You've been my best friend since we were twelve. You can tell me anything and I will do nothing but support you and help you. If you're addicted to drugs or you've gotten involved with a bad crowd we can help you get out of that," said Kento.

"If it were drugs or a gang I would've stayed home. This is something very, very different and I have to handle this on my own," I said. "Good bye, Kento."

"Cye, wait, don't hang up!" I heard him say as I pressed the silver receiver in. Kento's voice was replaced by a dull, endless dial tone. I hung the phone back up, leaning against it. I was shaky, ready to burst out into a fit of tears. I was scared. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to anymore. I ran out of the phone booth and didn't stop for a long time.

I ran myself to a park somewhere downtown, were I sat at the base of a tree and cried my eyes out. I wanted my old life back. I didn't want to be a father! I didn't want to have to raise a child at sixteen! I was too damn young to have to worry about something other than school work and my social life!

I looked up into the sky, leaning my head up against the tree. My tears were fewer in number and I knew I was calming down. Was I still upset? Oh yes, you can bet I was still upset. Talking on the phone with Kento had given me a real wake up call. And now I was TRULY scared.

I thought back to Ariel. Why? Why did something like this have to happen? I was too young to be a father. But now I was one. I was a father. Ariel was my daughter. Cye, stop acting like a selfish idiot and get your ass back to the Teen Crisis Center. Ariel needs you. She's never going to have her mother, but you can try your hardest to make sure she has a father.

Sniffling, I stood up and started the long walk back to my temporary residence. As I walked, I looked around Tokyo. I'd been there a few times with Kento's family and the others, but to be there all alone like I was. . . it was something quite different. This city was going to be my new home. I was seeing it in a whole new light now because of it. In a way, I was kind of excited, but the overwhelming fear I'd felt since I'd learned about my child kept haunting me.

I found myself in front of the Teen Crisis Center sometime after dark. The time of day surprised me and made me wonder just how long I'd been out. I went inside and clumsily made my way back to our room, where I found Kojiro holding Ariel, nodding off in a rocking chair that one of the staff members had placed in our room. I smiled as I closed the door behind me. Kojiro opened one eye. "How'd it go?" he asked quietly.

I sat across from him, taking the baby in my arms. I looked down at Ariel and carefully took her hand in mine. "Kento was home," I said. "I talked to him." I sighed heavily. "He kept trying to talk me into coming home and was asking where I was. I kind of expected that, but I didn't think it was going to hurt this much. I would've been home earlier, but. . . I had a little bit of a break down after I hung up."

"Uh oh," said Kojiro. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I just let some tears flow. Ran for a while and stopped at some sort of a park," I said. I crossed my legs, still looking down at the baby. "I guess talking to Kento, having him asking me to come home. . . it made me think about what I'll be giving up now that I'm a parent."

"It's something you're going to need to do," said Kojiro. "But I have some good news anyways." He reached over and grabbed the paper. He flashed me an add in the Help Wanted section. "There's a nice restaurant downtown that's offering waiting jobs. You just barely meet the minimum age requirement."

"Waiting tables?" I asked.

"Yes!" said Kojiro. "You get a pay check for working there, plus, you get tips. Cye, this place attracts the rich and famous, and the rich and famous buy expensive. That means big tips. The tips we could get from waiting tables will probably give us enough money to keep up with the little one."

"Keep up with?" I asked.

"Think about how many diapers you go through in a day, Cye," said Kojiro.

"Oh."

Kojiro stood up, yawning. "Yech, I want to get some sleep," he said. He put his hands on his hips and stretched. "Man, if anyone should be tired it should be you, Cye. You're the one who went through something just short of nerve-wracking."

"Tell me about it," I said. "So are we going to apply for the jobs tomorrow?"

"You bet," said Kojiro. "Which means we have to haggle the staff here for some decent looking suits, because guess what? This is a full blown interview, Cye. We have to meet the boss, answer all of his questions, AND fill out all the applications. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

"Who'll watch Ariel?" I asked.

"The nursery will," said Kojiro. "You need a job to support your child. The people here will be thrilled that you're finally ready to go looking for a job. I'm telling you, getting someone to look after the baby will be a snap." He nodded, then yawned again. "Wah, I want to go to sleep."

"You do that," I said, putting Ariel in her own crib. After making sure she was settled in, I pulled my jeans off and crawled into my own bed. I looked across the room at Kojiro, who was also settling in. "Good night, Koji." I got myself into a comfortable position and took in a deep breath.

"'night, Cye," said Kojiro, reaching for the light switch. He turned the lights off and we were bathed in darkness. It didn't take long before I could hear the muffled sound of Kojiro sawing logs, getting a soft chuckle out of me. Kojiro was a great guy and I was very, very happy that he'd be helping me raise my child.

I hugged my pillow, then rolled over to look at my small daughter's crib. There were no signs of her waking up, which made me feel somewhat at peace. An uneasy peace, but at least that one thing wasn't something I had to worry about. My conversation with Kento had placed a bit on my plate of food for thought. I had ended one chapter in my life and begun another. I wasn't the most important person in my life anymore.

I shifted again, staring up at the ceiling with my hands behind my head. I couldn't see much, which was all right, I suppose. Like it would matter any in the least. Like there was anything important on the ceiling. I'd seen it several times, anyway. The paint chips and there are several coffee stains from the above story that head seeped through the floorboards to the ceiling in out room. Nothing special.

Try to get some sleep, Cye, I thought to myself. You're gonna need it tomorrow.