A/N: Okay, okay. I know I said I was going to remove the pairings - BUT...after re-reading the story after such a long time away (sorry guys) I realized that I like it much better with the pairings. It's the fan girl in me, what can I say? (sigh) I know a few people won't be happy, but I just can't bear to change it now. On the bright side, it'll get posted much faster now! (laugh) So, sorry for the big delay and I'll do my best to get this story out as quickly as possible so we can move on to the rest of the triology! (Speaking of which, I need to finish writing part three! ACK!)

Chapter 5: Realizations

"Stupid god damn idiot monkey!"

Sanzo spit out the mantra he'd been mumbling during the last four days for the tenth time in twenty minutes. There was very nearly a worn pattern on the floor from the constant movement of his shoes as he paced the inn's room. He stopped suddenly and forced himself to remain still and silent for a few moments. Quietly regaining what dignity he had left, though there was no one awake to see his composure had faltered, he grabbed his pack of Marlboro's off the table and hastily lit one. He didn't realize he had moved to sit on the windowsill and had opened the window until the gentle warm afternoon breeze caressed his face. He scowled to himself.

'Damn Hakkai. Manipulative bastard.'

During night one Sanzo had attempted to light a cigarette while Hakkai was still in the room.

"Now, now Sanzo…"

The monk had simply shot Hakkai a death glare has he returned his cigarettes and lighter to the table.

"We have no idea what kind of effects smoking may have on Goku while he's in this state Sanzo."

"Ch."

"It could affect his health in an adverse way if you don't properly ventilate the room while smoking."

"Ch."

"It'll only make things harder on him you know."

Sanzo was trying hard to not pay attention to the wisdom in Hakkai words. But the icy walls around his heart, cracked though they may be, were still in tact and so…

"Ch."

It was then that Cho Hakkai played his 'ace' so to speak.

"If he gets worse because of your smoking that will only mean we'll have to remain here longer while he recovers. And I know you want to get back on the road West as soon as possible…"

Shit. He had him there. Though he threw the green-eyed demon a withering look, Sanzo obediently walked to the window and threw it open then settled himself on the sill to blow the offending smoke outside. Deep down though, Sanzo was glad the healer had finally played that card. He'd wanted to get to the window the minute he'd lit up. But he was Sanzo after all…

Since that moment Sanzo had always made sure to keep far away from Goku and have the window open when he smoked. Though there was still that piece of him that wanted to kick his own ass for being 'weak'. His eyes darted over to the still form in the bed. Goku wasn't sprawled across it giving off loud snores and mumblings for food as usual. He almost looked like a corpse lying so still and quiet on the bed. Sanzo had the urge for four days now to whack the teen across the head and try to wake him up.

It was too damn quiet. Funny really, he always thought silence was golden. He constantly whacked the living daylights out of Gojyo and Goku to keep them quiet. But having been surrounded by silence, almost literally drowning in it for four days…

Genjo Sanzo had to face reality.

He missed the monkey.

His innocent golden eyes.

His incessant whining.

His laughter.

But mostly, it was his smile. A smile that lit up Sanzo's world without the monk even realizing it.

'I guess it's true when they say you don't really realize how important something is to you until it's gone.'

Or locked in sleep as the case may be. It had taken one instance in Sanzo's life to build the tight walls around his heart. The death of his master had been the death of innocence, however fragile that innocence had been to begin with. He had closed everyone off. Never allowing himself to feel, to love, to hope, to believe.

And just as easily as those walls had been put up, one pair of child-like golden eyes had cracked through.

To never again love someone so dearly, that it hurts to lose them…

'Fuck.' He thought bitterly.

He was amazed at his own hypocrisy at this point. Still chanting that mantra in his head even while his heart told him otherwise. But it was so hard to let go of the memories. The pain. The suffering. The loss. Somewhere along the way, between reaching out his hand to an innocent-eyed boy in chains and watching that boy's body fly through the air four days ago, Sanzo had taken a dramatic change in an entirely different direction. He had finally admitted to himself that he loved Son Goku. He loved every characteristic, every flaw, every vice-no matter how annoying or expensive it may be. It wasn't a parent's love for a child he knew. It ran much, much deeper than that. He wanted to make Goku happy; he wanted to be his sun, forever. He wanted to love him and be loved in return and stay with him for all time.

But realization and actions are two very different things.

Several scenarios had since run through Sanzo's mind. Whacking the living daylights out of the monkey when he woke up had been first. Trying to be gentle yet his usual cold self had run second. And in third had been kissing the teen senseless. He had since pushed that one aside; afraid it would probably give the poor teen a heart attack. Options one and two had been fighting against each other for a while now. But as Sanzo flicked his cigarette out the window and sat down in the chair by Goku's bedside, option two suddenly gained a huge lead. And strangely, option three was again dancing before his eyes.

Sanzo quickly waved a hand in front of his face, as if shooing away some annoying fly buzzing about his head.

'Heart attack.' He thought to himself wryly. 'He'd wake up and I'd accidentally kill him.'

It was one of those times in life where you are just plain scared shitless. Not just because of the fear of rejection, but also because of the strange assault of the new feelings before you. He honestly couldn't say what he'd do or say at this point. It wasn't of any concern now; it wouldn't be, not until Goku woke up.

'Four days.' He thought to himself bitterly. 'Gods, will he ever wake up?'

As if on cue with this echoed thought, Goku suddenly shifted, a pained look crossing his face as he tried to roll onto his side. Knowing all that remained of his injuries were cuts and bruises now, Sanzo stood up and gently helped the boy to roll over. He was dismayed to find Goku's skin crawling with heat, and a quick check of his forehead confirmed the fever.

"Shit."

Sanzo immediately headed for the bathroom and returned a few moments later with a bowl of cool water and a washcloth. He dropped the cloth in and rung out the excess before gently swabbing at Goku's heated face. The pained look vanished as Sanzo's fingers accidentally grazed Goku's cheek, only to return when the monk pulled his hand back. Glancing toward the door, Sanzo pulled his chair closer to the bed and slowly took one of the teen's hands in his own as he continued to dab the cool cloth against the heated face with the other hand. Sensing his sun's presence, Goku slowly relaxed and returned to a more peaceful slumber. He even started to snore a bit.

Sanzo could not bite back his smile.

'What the hell…'

Bleary golden eyes slowly cracked open to…darkness?

'Why is it so dark?' Goku thought suddenly. He could feel the panic rising slowly inside himself. 'Where's the light? Where's the sun? Where's…Sanzo?'

He felt stiff, sore, and tired, but decidedly more awake than he had been before.

'But before what?' he thought suddenly. 'What happened?'

It was a quiet shifting sound that caught his attention first. Then slowly, the realization that he wasn't alone came to him, only to finally be met with the more startling realization that someone was…holding his hand.

"………"

Nothing. Goku vainly tried again.

"…eh…"

Only a tiny sound escaped this time and Goku fought against his rebelling vocal chords to make a sound, an utterance, and a word…just one word…

'Sanzo.'

As if hearing his name in the boy's thoughts, Sanzo slowly opened his eyes. Violet met gold and for a moment, the world stopped turning.

"Goku…"

TBC...