Welcome to chapter 24. I can't believe I'm almost at the ending... sort of. Anyway, this is a pretty flashback-y chapter... so for this all italics indicate flashbacks and memories... this chapter only.
I want to write this chapter the best way I can... so tell me how I do, please?
I wanted this to come out on November 9th, the two month anniversary of the story. Butttt... I really felt like posting it now, haha. So pretend that today is the two month anniversary, two days early. :)
Here's the question. Should I finish this, and then return to Hope? Or should I keep Hope updated before finishing this one off? Because, well, there would be no point in reading Hope if you knew the ending already... unless you're just curious to hear it from Kyle's perspective. Let me know when you review. For this reason lurkers better review!!! Because whether or not I continue this story immediately is in the fate of the reviews... no review, no representation!
I was thinking of doing review replies next chapter, but... whoa dude! I've receieved 33 reviews since I last did this, so I might as well do it now! ...And prepare for this to take a while...
Kyle Broflovski's One and Only: Thank you, though I do apologize for the nightmares. And an A+; what an honor!
CmS: Thanks for picking up on my story... lol. Well, I hope you enjoy what you read, though I'm sure many of these other reviewers and readers will agree that some of the things I wrote about were... well, disturbing.
Amy: (see end of chapter).
DarkGryph: Thank you. And that is impressive; I'd finish reading a story like this in like... five sittings. Haha. This chapter is a little more confusing, so tell me if you can follow it still.
Tackett: Why thank you. I love this chapter, which says a lot since I barely love my own work. But it's good to see that you like it!
Aurifex: Ah no I killed you! I hope you revive so that you can read this chapter though! And I'm addicted to your story; keep it up!
Lilchicky004: Aw thanks. I was trying to aim for that feeling, and I'm glad to hear that you think I did that well.
-ChocolateThunder-: Haha, thank you!
cjmarie: Ah, thank you for your correction! And argh, today in English we were talking about the impact of his words "More Weight." Honestly, he's my favorite character.
Bloody Auzzie Bogan Mate: Yesh, yesh, things seem harsh. But in a bit things should clear up.
Blackout12: Easy lead is always great. Of course, I still think that a reflective tone is nice.
Spice of Life: Teehee... at first I thought you wrote "You writing Style is just perfect." Lol. But that's a definite compliment for me, once I realized what you meant to say. And I'm intelligent! Yippee, I wish my GPA would reflect that now, haha.
dorkiss: First of all, welcome to the South Park fandom! Yeah these chapters are somewhat depressing.. but it will lighten up soon.
kazami: Thank you. Though I'm sorry that it's making you sad... lol it seems to be the ubiquitous answer.
Le-PrePo-Liebe: Why thank you!
Natalie: Thanks... now I have issues... lol so do you though... you know it, IB kids always have issues... like why they sign up to begin with.
Erradhadh: A rare jewel among... something else to add to my list of odd reviews, lmao. Though the emotionally heart-felt bit was touching to read.
Raidoni: thanks for your review! And sorry for my updates... they're starting to stretch as we get closer to exams... in a month.
Raven0526: Wow, that's definitely a compliment! Wow... that review has taken my breath away too, lol.
Kailey: Meh... sorry, I'm making everyone depressed with this, unfortunately.
TweekFan: ...upbeat chapters to come soon... haha
Teklah: Haven't reviewed in a while, but I think I told you the info you wanted, yes? If not look at the review you sent for chapter 20 and ask me.
bookyboo: Haha... well... here's what happens next...
I think I'm good to go! And I hope you are too. Because... do I see some StanKyle goodness here? Just slightly, perhaps. Major kudos to cjmarie for helping me end this long chapter, lmao.
Black.
It was everywhere, ubiquitous, unavoidable. It was ever-present in everything he saw, in the people's dresses and suits, in the coffin that was rested solemnly at the front of the congregation, and the cars that surrounded that location. It was an emotionless color, yet filled with emotion, grief, mourning, sorrow, and death. It brought memories, recollecting happy times spent with those deceased, only to cruelly bring reality back into play. It symbolized dark thoughts, depression, yet it was easy to take comfort in it, knowing that things would always sink down into the depths of pitch-black darkness.
Black did not symbolize peace, love, harmony, and purity. It did not accurately convey the emotions wanted; the people were filled with grief and mourning, yet that was not the effect that was wanted. Memories were wanted, but they were not to be let go. It symbolized the wrong concepts, stressed the wrong symbols, and consumed the hearts that needed comfort in more enlightening things.
It was not what Stan wanted.
He wanted it to have been a service of happiness. Not in a way that signified joy in his death, but Stan wanted the funeral to celebrate the sacrifice that he made. Of course, there weren't many that actually knew the full magnitude of the importance of Clyde's death, especially to Stan. There were few that did, but regardless Stan wanted the service to be not as depressing. He wanted good's resilience to shine clearly throughout the darkness of the dark times.
He stood in the front row of the church, eyes transfixed upon the closed coffin. There had been too much physical damage to the boy to have the coffin open throughout the service. No one close to him really saw the full extent of the damage; not even Stan had known what the damage looked like, since it had happened in such dim circumstances. His parents suppurated to his right, shaken and distressed that they could not even say a last goodbye. Stan empathized, and he knew that he was feeling more saddened that his parents were; while the parents could not say goodbye they did not have the chance, whereas Stan had the chance but could not.
To Stan's left was Kyle, letting out his fair share of tears. It didn't matter to him that he was celebrating a Catholic funeral, as long as he celebrated the funeral of one of his close friends. The two weeks that had passed since his death had been hard for Stan, and even Kyle, who was only slightly involved. It had been a hard time for Stan, trying to deal with both school and the trauma that came with watching someone die. Kyle did all he could to help his friend, bringing him to Ms. Sagisak's office, and once to Mr. Mackey's office. Stan had been offered several times the option of staying at home until he was mentally ready to go back to school, but each time he had denied it. Kyle assured Ms. Sagisak that he would help Stan whenever he could, and to that he held his word.
"Why are you doing this?" Stan had remembered saying once as Kyle sat on his bed, books sprawled across the bed, and ready to help Stan with his Geometry homework.
"You're my friend, dude," said Kyle in return, flipping Stan's book until he landed on the right page. "That's what friends do... they help each other out."
"But wouldn't you rather be with Kenny?" Stan asked curiously. "I mean, wouldn't he upset that you're hanging around with me more than him?" Kyle gave an annoyed sigh, flicking a pencil at the boy.
"Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean that I'm limited to only that person," Kyle said while controlling his temper; it had not been the first time that Stan made this claim. "You need my presence more than he does, anyway. Just relax, and focus on more important things... like doing your math homework." Focus... it was something that Stan had seemed to take a liking of over the course of his grief. Focus on his homework... focus on what the teacher was saying... focus on washing the dishes properly...
...Focus on the funeral service...
Stan brought his attention back to the priest, who was saying several prayers for Clyde. Stan began to wonder if prayers truly helped the deceased... He understood the reasoning behind praying for the sick, how they needed prayer to help their health. But what good was it to pray over those that were dead? Their health could not be improved. Their fate could not be changed. Stan knew that if praying for the dead would do something to make them alive again, he would be praying like there would be no tomorrow. He still prayed for Clyde out of respect, but in his mind he saw no point. There was no changing the fact that Clyde was dead.
The congregation replied and prayed with the priest with a melancholy tone. They were oblivious, knew nothing of Clyde's death, knowing only that he was no longer able to breath the same air they did. For a long time only Stan truly knew how Clyde had died. He was the only one who knew every detail, the only one who heard every scream of agony, the only one who saw Cartman press the cigarette onto his skin... the only one who knew he suffered. No one knew the damage Cartman and Wendy caused, nor did they even suspect the two of such atrocity. For the longest time Stan had kept the information to himself, traumatized too heavily to be able to recount the events to another pair of ears in order to deliver justice.
Naturally, Kyle was the first and only person to know of the events. Kyle hadn't planned on finding out what had happened, knowing that Stan could not be forced to recount what had happened. Still, Stan forced himself to admit, knowing that if he bottled it up inside of him for so long it would drive him insane.
"Kyle, can I talk to you?" That was how it had started, Stan approaching his friend as the school day had ended. Kyle looked at Kenny, as if asking permission, and when the golden-haired boy nodded Kyle stood up from the bench they were sitting on, and followed Stan to another bench. "I don't think I can take this much longer, dude."
"Take what much longer?" Kyle asked, not yet aware of the subject Stan wanted to talk about.
"Take holding this in," reiterated Stan. "I still wish that Clyde were... you know... not dead. But at the same time I know that if I don't do something he'll never get the justice he deserves. If he can suffer through pain to do what is right... so must I..."
"Are you sure, Stan?" Kyle asked. "I don't want you to have to relive moments you may not want to yet... but you know I'm here for you dude..." And so Stan had proceeded to tell Kyle, in detail, every little thing that had happened during his experience. He illustrated with words the pain he felt, his helplessness, Clyde's suffering, Wendy's ministrations, and Clyde's last words. Kyle nodded in sympathy, letting Stan cry on his shoulder when he needed it, giving Stan an open ear, and offering his support.
Much like he was now. During the moments of the funeral service in which they congregation was sitting, Stan found it very hard to remain tearless. His mother had spoken in front of them, reading off a soaked piece of yellow paper, and describing her son's best traits with as much accuracy and as much self-control as she could. As a human, a griever, and a mother, she released her feelings in the form of tears.
Clyde's friends, supporters, teachers, and even the people who barely knew him comforted her with their tears Boxes of provided Kleenexes became empty as they were used over and over again to satisfy the needs of the congregation. Stan found himself leaning on Kyle's shoulder quite frequently. He stained Kyle's suit with tears, and though he felt bad Kyle assured him between his own sobs that he did not mind. Mrs. Donovan's speech only made the situation worse, for Stan and every other listener, and inside Stan knew that what she said was nothing compared to what he was capable of saying.
Mr. Donovan took his turn in speaking about his son, and after him his other aunts and uncles took their turns. Repetition did not seem to stop anyone from giving their support towards the Donovan family, shedding tears upon tears. Some had gotten on their knees to pray for the family, while others leaned over to rest a comforting arm on Clyde's parents. It was clear to Stan that though black engulfed the congregation there was still no sense of evil present.
Gallons of tears later, the church portion of the funeral service had ended. Many heads bowed lowly as four strong men carried the coffin away through the brazen doors and into a waiting hearse. The Donovan family was the next to walk down the aisle, heads hung, hands clamped respectfully, and walking gradually towards the doors. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were next to follow, and after that the rest of the congregation followed. By Mrs. Donovan's request the three boys rode with the family in a special car, and for the whole ride no one made a single noise.
The cemetery, Clyde's new home, had a very lively scene. Not lively as in animated, but... alive. Trees grew healthy, flowers blossomed in pretty colors, birds chirped merrily... nothing was dead on the outside. It was just as Stan had wanted; a place that would reflect a new beginning, a joyful respect towards the sacrifice that Clyde had made. A place without black, but color. A home that showed peace, harmony, tranquility, and all the traits that Clyde deserved.
Stan watched as the coffin was lowered into a hole previously dug out. The priest revealed a small bottle from his pocket, a bottle of holy water, and began sprinkling some onto the coffin. Sobs could still be heard throughout the congregation that remained to watch the burial, the portion that did not go straight to the reception. Stan watched as people stepped forward to toss a flower over the coffin. Mrs. Donovan's sobbing could be heard prominently now, her husband comfortingly placing an arm around her while shedding his own tears. Stan found himself clinging to Kyle's arm tightly, and when he had realized this and attempted to let go, he found Kyle returning the favor, tightening against his own arm.
"Here lies Clyde Donovan," said the priest. "May he rest in peace, and may he live in eternal life..." The congregation agreed with his statement, giving him a loud 'amen' in response as the hole was refilled with dirt. Soon the people began leaving, one by one, as they made their way to the reception. Stan remained still, staring at the tombstone made for Clyde, and reading it over and over, as if a form of release.
CLYDE DONOVAN.
"...We should get going..." he heard Kenny say in the background. Stan wasn't sure if he wanted to attend the reception. It would be too cheerful for him, perhaps, something that he wasn't ready for. He was standing with the boy who lightened his days, who made him feel special, who cared for him... the boy he loved. He wasn't sure if he wanted to leave him just yet...
"...Come on, Stan," he heard Kyle say.
Stan shook his head. "No."
"...Dude, we're gonna miss the reception, and the car is waiting for us!" said Kyle. "Besides, it's going to rain soon."
"I don't care..." muttered Stan, his eyes still transfixed upon the tombstone. He heard Kyle mutter things to Kenny, and as he heard the other boy leave he felt Kyle come closer to him.
"Stan, we have to get going. Really."
"I don't want to leave him, Kyle..." Stan muttered. "I don't want to say goodbye." Stan did not watch Kyle as he began struggling for words. There really wasn't much to say about the situation; only emotions could properly convey what was happening now. Clyde was in the ground, six feet below, and no chance of coming back. But did Stan really want to accept that? He couldn't even turn away from his tombstone, for crying out loud.
When had he been this passionate towards Clyde? He could only remember how he kept trying to decide how to break the relationship he had with Clyde... Did the death of Clyde Donovan suddenly mark a change in how Stan Marsh viewed life?
I believe you don't know what you've got until you've said goodbye...
He had used the same song to describe his feelings toward Kyle. Yet so suddenly it felt as if it was now more fitting when used here... they were in two completely different contexts... and Stan knew the difference. Before he had been self-centric, using the quote to merely state a want that he knew was out of his range.
Stan remembered perfectly what this desire had been. He remembered how he initially heard of Kyle's success with Kenny, and how the quote had applied in that situation. "I hope this doesn't bother you," he remembered Kenny saying.
"Why should it bother me?" Stan had asked. He had been so foolish then, not willing to admit the feelings he held. Did he even know how he felt then, or had the realization come afterwards? Stan was no longer sure, but one fact remained: looking at it now, Stan felt hurt.
"Well... you were acting all worried about Kyle at first, kind of like over-obsessing. As if you cared for him." As if. Was that a statement that Stan really needed to question?
"Kenny, how many times do I have to tell you? Just because I care for a friend doesn't mean I like him!" Bullshit, Stan knew. He knew that jealously had been the end product, that in the end he was only denying what he wanted. It was his wanting, the one thing that set the boundaries on reality and desire. He had had the chance to have Kyle, but that had only been then that he realized he had it, once he already lost it to Kenny...
That was then. Now, the song better described an actuality, a concrete idea, a construct... something that could no longer be changed. Like Clyde's death
"You aren't leaving him, Stan," said Kyle. "As long as you continue to care for him, I'm sure he'll live within you. He's never gone." Stan sighed, letting Clyde's previous words sink in with Kyle's.
...Through me, I might die... but it is by you that I will continue to live...
...You aren't leaving him, Stan... But Stan knew better... turning away from that tombstone would go against it completely. He could easily nullify Kyle's argument. The finality of Clyde's death would always make him aware of his absence. Both of them were wrong. There was no "living after death" concepts involved... were there? Stan knew the absolute feeling of death and pain, and though it felt so much easier to agree with the two he knew he could not. It wasn't logical.
And suddenly Stan felt the overwhelming urge to go back in time. He wanted to correct everything, and not just about Clyde, but he wanted to correct his own life. He wanted to go back to Stark's pond, knowing that he would be taken away, and possibly save Clyde. He wanted to go back to the day that Clyde and Kyle were beaten up, wanted to be there with them and help defend them. Most of all, he wanted to go back to the day when Stan had found out that Kyle liked him, and to instead say yes instead of no, preventing the majority of the recent occurrences altogether...
"Maybe it means that I care for you in a completely different way," Stan had said that day. That had been fine; Stan was okay with that. But it was what he said back to Kyle after that he wanted to change... the sole reason he wanted to go back in time to begin with...
"You mean...?"
"Yeah. Maybe I care for you as my best friend. Not as an acquaintance. Not as a boy with similar interests. Not as a boyfriend like Kenny keeps suggesting..." Not as a boyfriend... That single line Stan wanted to change. He wondered if Kyle was even thinking about him at all, how different things might be. Then again... Kyle was happy with Kenny...
But Stan did know. He did know how Kyle felt about Stan, though it wasn't too great. He remembered it crystal clear in his head, as if it had merely been said a few hours before. A wave of uncontrollable sensations, aroused by concealed emotions, rediscovered by unexpected happenings, settled with misleading agreements, sparked once more with terrifying banter, falsely assured that the severity of the matter was minor, feeling the drench of an emotional flood levies were to restrain, suffering never-ending pain; these were the occurrences of my life as of yet, plaguing every waking moment of my life, concentrating remaining focus on matters I wish not to ponder, dealing issues I wished I could not cry over, and I have at last found my cure.
Kyle was happy with Kenny... and the cure had not been Stan.
"Stan?" Kyle asked, bring Stan back into the present world. Stan sighed heavily; there was no going around it, it seemed. He felt raindrops fall from the sky, and as he cringed in the icy touch of the rain he felt Kyle place a comforting arm around Stan's waist, holding an umbrella over the two with the other. But even though the warmth and comfort Kyle offered Stan couldn't help feeling like something was wrong... as if he had lived this moment before.
The dream.
The shock and realization came crashing down on Stan as he remembered the nightmare he had experienced not too long ago. He remembered the first part of the dream had come true, and he had recognized this. But Clyde's death... Stan had been so traumatized and so preoccupied that he hadn't realized that he had "forseen" his death, almost accurately. And now, the tombstone scene... Though the inscription on the tombstone had been different, everything else had been the same. Leaning into Kyle for comfort... Kyle's arm around his waist... umbrella over their heads...
Stan sighed. He knew he was holding up both Kenny and Kyle. But he was torn between two people, as a teddy bear being shared with two siblings. He wanted to go with Kyle and Kenny, yet the prospect of leaving Clyde still seemed incredulous.
"Go with them," said a voice, and Stan's eyes opened with such fear he did not know what to do. It sounded so much like Clyde's yet... "Don't abandon those you love... You have not abandoned me... I will always be here..." Stan collapsed into Kyle's embrace. He didn't know what he had just felt, but it felt uplifting, encouraging... and it definitely took a lot out of Stan.
He was crying. Stan could tell; he could feel the salty tears running down his cheek. The image of Clyde's tombstone flared in his mind, but it seemed different. Had Clyde just talked to him?
"I... I..." stuttered Stan, and Kyle only held the boy closer. He felt Kyle's arm find its way up to his shoulders, stroking his shoulders gently. Each stroke drove Stan insane, and each stroke made Stan miss the feeling of Clyde stroking Stan's hair, how soft each one had been...
Stan glared at the tombstone once more. How could it be so hard to pull away from a simple stone with Clyde's name embossed in it? It seemed so... painful... But all pain was endured for good reason, right? Clyde had endured pain for Stan to grow as a better person, as harsh as the pain had been. Stan was suffering now, but he realized that he would need to endure the pain to make things better once more.
He collected himself as best he could and removed himself from Kyle's grasp. He felt wind blow across his cheek, a soft, breezy, and welcoming gust of wind. He was not yet ready to give up for the people he loved... those people around him... and the people he held in his heart. Stan knew he had to do this... he had to turn away, or else he would never be able to live life, move on, and do what he had to do.
He glanced at Kyle, took a deep breath, and slowly turned his back to the grave.
His gaze met Kenny's, who smiled at Stan's accomplishment. He could see Kyle smiling too, from the corner of his eye. And then... he smiled. He could feel himself smiling, meaningfully, and perhaps the first time in so long. He had laughed once, yes, with Kyle, but there hadn't been a true reason. Now, he had a reason to smile, a reason to feel happy. He took a couple of steps away from the grave, at first slow, and soon his pace quickening. He felt Kyle behind him, continuing to hold the umbrella over Stan's head.
"The car's waiting for us," Kenny muttered. Stan nodded, joining the boys on the walk back. He knew now what Kenny and Kyle were trying to say... there really was no goodbye. By you that I will continue to live... For the past few weeks Stan's opinion on the matter had kept changing; at times he chose to believe it and at times (usually the more difficult times) he chose not to. But... for some reason it made sense now. He wasn't going to leave Clyde. He lived through him... He could visit the cemetary all he wanted. He wasn't going to leave Kyle... he cared about him too much, and Kyle would always be there for Stan anyway.
Stan wasn't leaving anyone. He left the cemetary feeling relieved, emancipated from the plagues and troubles that had previously consumed his mind since Clyde's death. He watched from the car as the cemetary gates slowly rolled out of sight, disappearing from his sight altogether.
And somehow, it didn't seem to bother him anymore.
Chapter 24... something I'm actually proud of. I know, I know... there are a lot of positive endings, kinda to balance out that brutal chapter. But enjoy them, because chapter... 29 and on... don't have as cheery endings.
Anyway, go review this chapter, do that stuff I asked up at the beginning. And just to answer that anonymous review that seemed somewhat insulting... yes, I am a guy... so if you're bugged out just by this, suck it up and deal... because, if the reason you like or hate this is dependent on the gender of the person writing it... that's pretty sad. And I'm sorry I'm not the typical slash fangirl you're all used to seeing.
-Zakuyoe