FALLING WITH GRACE
by shiiki

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Holding On to Home

November, 1979

James's eyes immediately searched for Lily the moment he entered the Longbottom's house. He spotted her sitting with Alice in the parlour, with her arm around her friend's shoulders. Alice was crying into a handkerchief, and Lily, though she was patting Alice's back soothingly, didn't look any less grief-stricken.

Sorrow washed through him as well. Dorcas Meadowes had been – the finality of the past tense made him freeze – their schoolmate, their friend. She had been training to be a Healer – to help people, for heaven's sake! The Meadowes family was pure-blood.

There could be no other reason except for the one that had got Marlene and her family killed: Dorcas had been a member of the Order.

And it could have been any one of them.

Voldemort could have gone after Frank and Alice – the latter of whom was weeping on the couch, having lost her best friend. He could have done away with Peter or Remus. Or it might have been Lily who had been killed – as she'd almost been several months ago.

James's fist clenched involuntarily at this thought. Not Lily. It could never be – it must never be Lily.

'Potter.' Frank Longbottom clapped a hand on his shoulder. They exchanged grim looks and James felt sure that Frank must be feeling the same way as he did now, only about Alice. But unlike Lily and him, Frank and Alice were married – he could be with her, to protect her always …

The way James wanted to do for Lily.

He nodded to Frank and approached the two bereaved women. Lily looked up at him with heavy eyes.

'I'm scared, Lily,' Alice was saying, her words thick with tears. 'And with this little one inside, too … if we're next …'

'Shh,' said Lily. 'We'll all look out for each other –'

'The way we looked out for Dorcas and Marlene?' said Alice bitterly. 'We failed them, Lily.'

'No,' James said. 'If you want to blame someone, that's Voldemort.'

Frank stepped forward and took his wife's hand. 'James is right, Alice. Stop blaming yourself.'

Alice sighed. 'I know. I just wish … if only we'd known to …'

Lily moved away from her and came to James as Frank embraced Alice. She took his hand and inclined her head slightly towards the door. He took the hint and led her out of the room.

'Alice, love …' he heard Frank say softly, and then they were outside, closing the door behind them.

'Are you all right?' he asked with concern. Lily didn't say anything, but she leaned forward against him and sighed deeply. He settled his arms around her.

'Do you want to go ho – back to Hogwarts?' He remembered in time that she was staying at the school.

'I hate this war,' Lily whispered. Her voice cracked and James realised that she was crying. 'First Marlene, and now Dorcas … I mean, we all knew it could happen, but now that it has …' Lily reached up to brush her hand roughly across her eyes. 'I'm tired, James. I just want to … to go home.' Her lip trembled and she bit it so hard that blood came. 'I don't even have that any more …'

'You've got me.' James tightened his hug and kissed her gently on the forehead. There was one place they could go … which wasn't home yet, but could be, if they were married soon.

He Apparated them to the house at Godric's Hollow.

---

Lily felt the familiar squeezing sensation of Apparition, which, when combined with her sobbing, left her gasping for air when she and James arrived at their destination. Through a blur of tears, she discerned that they were in a somewhat familiar house smelling of new paint and wood. She detached herself from James's arms and tried to pull herself together. Where were they?

'James, where –?'

'Godric's Hollow,' he said softly. 'I brought you … home.'

Home. The tears spilled out of her again. He'd brought her home – this was the home he wanted to give her … he was the family she wanted to have …

She stepped back into his arms and tilted her mouth up to him, wanting to fall into him. James responded by cupping her face in his hands and kissed her so deeply that she thought she could release every fear, every anxiety, every emotion that had been plaguing her and he would absorb it and renew her.

He must have steered her out of the hall at some point, because she found herself on a bed, James hovering above her. One of his hands found its way up her robes, running along her bare skin. He moved his mouth to her neck, eliciting a soft moan from her as he left a trail of kisses dangerously close to the edge of her collar. Then he stopped, and raised his mouth to the side of her face.

'You're home,' he told her, his warm breath grazing her ear.

---

Lily awoke to a strange sense of security. It wasn't the soft sunlight spilling through the gaps in the blinds; nor was it the fact that she felt warm and snug despite it being November.

This was a unique feeling of wholeness – she felt complete.

James was sleeping next to her, his long limbs sprawling messily over his side of the bed, his mouth hanging open slightly, his messy hair sticking out in all directions. Lily smiled to herself as she slipped out of bed and into her robes, which had been discarded on the ground sometime last night.

The moment she left the bed, the events of the previous night came rushing back to her like a cold wind: Alice's face in Dumbledore's fire, pale and scared; crying on the Longbottoms' couch; James arriving, anxious and worried …

Dorcas was dead. Lily's mind couldn't seem to hold on to that slippery fact. Even after she'd comforted Alice and broken down in James's arms, she still almost believed that she could go to St Mungo's now and ask for Healer Meadowes, and Dorcas's dark head would pop out of a ward …

She remembered feeling the same eerie disbelief after Marlene had been killed, too.

It's truly begun, she thought with a chill. Voldemort had finally found them, and he was after them with a vengeance. All of them – the members of the Order of the Phoenix, who had thwarted him this long already.

And he probably wouldn't stop at Marlene and Dorcas.

Lily's eyes drifted automatically to James's sleeping form. She couldn't begin to imagine him being gone. Last night, there had been a kind of intense desperation between them – the unspoken message, I need you, loud in their actions.

She needed James – to be here, with her, to make their own home, to wake up next to him every morning and feel a sense of calm and safety that only he could give, even in the face of war and tragedy. She'd known for a long time that she would be heading down that path; James had already proposed, months ago. Now, however, she realised that she couldn't wait any longer.

---

Their wedding was a small affair. Only five people had been present – Sirius, who stood as best man, Remus, Peter, and the Longbottoms. Lily had wanted to contact her sister, but Dumbledore had reminded her about the agreement they had made with Petunia. Lily hadn't been too happy with Dumbledore about this, and he had (quite wisely, in James's opinion) not made an appearance.

James couldn't quite remember much about the actual ceremony. It seemed like a dream from which he could awaken at any time – except Sirius kept giving him very painful pinches to prove it was reality. All he knew for sure was Lily's emerald eyes smiling at him, although her mouth was held in a nervous line.

The strength of the love in her eyes on their wedding day still buoyed James up a week later, as he and Sirius stumbled wearily into the Muggle pub where Remus and Peter were waiting for them. He'd just spent the whole day away, chasing down Roland Travers, whom they believed to be responsible for the McKinnon murder, with Sirius and Edgar Bones, and he was planning on staying out the rest of the night, too.

It was a full moon, after all. They'd missed so many moons with Moony since leaving school for James to feel guilty enough to want to make it up whenever he could, no matter how tired he was. This time, however, his sense of responsibility to Lily was also bugging him. They were married now – she'd be expecting him home, although he'd told her not to wait up if he hadn't finished. She would be worrying about him, thinking he was still out tailing Death Eaters, when he was actually relatively safe. As safe as running around, as a stag, with a werewolf could be, at any rate.

'James,' said Remus. 'What are you doing here?'

'What do you mean?'

'Shouldn't you – don't you have to be home?'

'We're staying with you tonight, Remus,' James said firmly.

'I don't like this …' began Remus, but Sirius cut him off.

'Stop it, Moony,' he said. 'We've missed enough moons.'

'I've been here,' said Peter.

'Yes, but fat lot of help you've been.' Peter scowled at Sirius's retort. 'Just look at you, Moony. You're all worn down – why won't you admit you need us?'

'I'm not your obligation, Sirius,' said Remus evenly. 'And James – just what are you telling Lily about your whereabouts?'

His conscience gnawed at him as he said, 'She probably thinks … I'm still tracking Travers.'

'You've barely been married a week, James. Are you going to start lying to her already, on my account?'

'It won't really hurt her if she doesn't know, will it?' said Peter.

'I'm not lying to Lily, I – damn it, I'll … but we're staying tonight, Moony. Tomorrow, I can … tell her the truth. If you – I mean, it's your furry little secret I'd be letting slip, if I were to …'

Remus let out a long sigh. 'You can tell her, James.'

'Enough discussion,' said Sirius impatiently. 'Let's get going.'

Remus cast a glance at the sky, where the moon was due to rise any moment, and shuddered. Then they left the pub to Apparate to Sirius's back yard, to transform.

---

The weather outside seemed to match the dark days. It was night now, the howling wind outside whipping tree branches around in a frenzied storm. Even the full moon shining brightly offered no comfort; tonight it was an eerie blood-red moon. Shivering, Lily drew closer to the fireplace. She sat cross-legged on the hearth, letting the burning fire warm her hands. But even the warmth and cosiness of her little house couldn't drive away her pervading fear.

James – James was out there now; he'd been gone all day long, and the longer Lily waited, the sicker with fear she felt. It was almost torturous to just sit at home and wait, her stomach growing queasier with every passing second. Lily wondered why she felt so horrible now; it wasn't as though James hadn't gone on missions in the past. Was it because they were now married, that she was much more worried? The clock chimed ten, eleven, midnight, and still James did not come. The anxiety was contorting her intestines into painful knots. She was going to be sick –

Lily had to run for the bathroom as her stomach gave a sudden lurch. She just managed to get through the bathroom door before the contents of her lunch – the last meal she'd eaten; she'd felt too nauseous to eat at dinner-time – splattered all over the tiled floor.

It was several minutes before Lily stopped retching, during which she crouched on all fours, panting and heaving. When her stomach finally settled down, she backed onto her knees and leant back against the bathroom wall, feeling exhausted and miserable. She wanted to cry, wanted James to come back and hold her and tell her that everything was all right.

Then she pulled herself together. James was out fighting a war; the least she could do was stop acting like a baby. Lily got to her feet shakily and set to work cleaning away her sick. When she had Vanished it all and cast a good Scourgify on the floor, she made her way back to the living room and collapsed in an armchair. It was almost one in the morning – she should go to bed; James had told her as much, too: 'If I'm late, don't wait up, just go to bed,' he'd said before kissing her good-bye. But she couldn't bear to go to bed alone.

'Accio!' she said, Summoning the blanket from their room. It flew out of the room and landed neatly in her lap.

Curling up in the armchair, Lily wrapped the blanket around herself and proceeded to wait for James.

---

Lily realised several hours later that she had given in to exhaustion after all when she felt a hand stroke her head gently and she opened a bleary eye. James smiled down at her tenderly.

'I thought I told you not to wait up.'

'I couldn't sleep –' She realised halfway that this didn't make sense and broke off, laughing. A glance out of the window revealed that last night's storm had blown itself out. It was replaced by a frosty dawn that was just as chilly, but although her hearth fire had burned itself out, Lily felt warm all over – relief was flooding through her: James was back; he was safe; there was nothing to worry about now.

'Did everything go fine? Is everyone all right?'

James nodded tiredly. There were deep rings under his eyes – poor boy; he's been up all night, thought Lily, feeling a twinge of guilt for having dozed off before the fire.

'We tailed Travers all the way to Argyllshire – almost lost him in the moors – he met up with a couple of Death Eater pals there and when they got wind that we were there, they sent out a whole set of nasty jinxes, but only Edgar got hit – Impediment Jinx, he's all right now, don't worry – and Sirius got Travers with Levicorpus – handy spell, that one – so we've got him.'

'Did you find out if he's really responsible for – for Marlene?'

'I don't know. Moody took him in to the Ministry for questioning.' James finished his sentence with a yawn. Lily patted his arm.

'You must be horribly worn out. Let's go to bed.'

James shook his head. 'No, Lily, I need to tell you something first.'

She blinked twice in surprise. 'Is anything wrong?'

'Not – not exactly. It's just something … well, something you ought to know, and I ought to have told you before we – well, I'm really sorry I never told you earlier, but …' He was fidgeting, twisting his fingers awkwardly. Lily felt some of yesterday's chilling anxiety return.

'Has it to do with the war, James?'

'No – no, not at all. Lily, I – OK, just listen, all right? I – I'm not sure how to start.' He stared out of the window as though contemplating how to phrase his next words, and Lily felt like prompting him, but decided she had better just be patient and let him continue at his own pace. Finally, he said, 'I'm sorry you stayed up waiting for me, Lily. I wasn't really out that late going after Travers.'

This was a shock. 'You weren't?'

James shook his head. 'I was with – Remus.' He paused to let this sink in. It was a moment before Lily realised the implications of this statement.

Remus was a werewolf. If James had been with him, did that mean … Lily felt sick to her stomach again at the very thought. It wasn't that she had any problem with lycanthropy – she liked Remus, and the fact that he became a wolf once a month bore little importance to the person he was. And of course she would still love James even if he was one too … but how could James have failed to tell her? Lily felt betrayed, to have been left ignorant of such an essential detail.

'James, you're –'

'An Animagus,' he said. 'I'm sorry I never told you, but it was because of Remus – and then it wasn't just my secret; there was Sirius and Peter to consider as well –'

'You're not a werewolf?' Her voice sounded a pitch too high.

'A werewolf? Lily, no – of course not, I'd have told you if I were – no, I'm a stag.'

'A stag,' she repeated dully.

'Yes. Yesterday we – Sirius and Peter and I were with Remus, when he – transformed. I realised after that I ought to have told you in case you worried, so I asked them for permission to let you in on the secret – well, you already know about Remus, but the full explanation incriminates Sirius and Peter too.'

'Incriminates … you're an illegal Animagus … and so are they!'

'Wait – before you get mad, Lily, hear me out, all right? We wanted to do something for Remus, you know, when we found out about his – well, that furry little problem of his. So we became Animagi, so we could stay with him during full moons, because werewolves are ok with animals, and if we were with him, we could stop him attacking and hurting himself in the Shack – the Shrieking Shack,' he added, seeing her blank look. 'That's where he went during full moons at Hogwarts.'

'You did this during Hogwarts?'

'Er – yeah. Fifth year.' A little pride crept into his voice. 'All three of us.'

He had been an illegal Animagus since fifth-year. Lily was shocked into speechlessness. When she finally found her voice, it came out in a croak.

'And you kept this a secret from …'

'From everyone, Lily. You're the only one who knows now!'

'I'm supposed to feel honoured, am I?' Fury was replacing astonishment as the thought struck her that she had been waiting, worrying, all last night for nothing after all.

'Lily, you've got to understand, it wasn't just my secret – I couldn't just betray Remus, right?'

'Aren't you, now?'

'I asked him, and he said I could tell you –'

'And what was preventing you from asking him earlier, so you could at least let me know before I stayed up waiting for you, worried to death because I thought you were still out fighting Death Eaters!' Every torturous fear that had tormented her as she waited last night was resurfacing as anger now.

'I – I didn't think, Lily – the last moon was weeks before the wedding and it didn't really cross my mind until last night and then there wasn't time to ask them and come back first –'

'You didn't think. Damn it, James, you just forgot to think about me, didn't you? It just wasn't important enough to let your wife know where you were going, was it?'

'I figured you'd just go to bed and I'd be back –'

'I wish I had! Nice to know that I wasted all that energy worrying over someone who doesn't care a whit about how I feel!'

'Lily, I do care about how you feel, I'm really sorry –'

'Shut up, you horrible prat, I don't know why I even married you!' The angry words escaped her without thinking. In the ringing silence that followed, Lily's insides curled at the sight of James's hurt face. He couldn't have looked more stricken if she'd cast the Cruciatus Curse on him. A wave of wrenching guilt flooded her. She couldn't look at James anymore; she thought she would be sick if she kept seeing that injured expression on his face.

No – it didn't matter whether she continued to watch him or not, she'd already seen his wounded look and she was going to be sick again. As she had the night before, she made a break for the bathroom and threw up; this time at least she managed to aim into the sink.

There was a gentle pressure on her back as James stroked it soothingly. Lily wanted to tell him to stop, to go away, because she didn't deserve any of his care after she had said all those nasty things to him. She wanted to take it all back; assure him that she didn't mean any of it. The rage had dissipated and she felt hollow. The tears that she had kept at bay last night won out now and spilled uncontrollably down her cheeks.

'Shh,' said James kindly. 'I'm sorry I never told you, Lily. Forgive me, will you?'

She shook her head blindly, meaning to say that it was she that was sorry, and James ought to be the one forgiving her, but she had lost her powers of coherent speech as she continued to sob and hiccough.

James continued to run his hand down her back as he steered her down the hall to the living room. He sat down in the same armchair in which she had kept her vigil last night and pulled her down onto his lap, his arms holding her tight. It was a long while before she got control of herself again.

'I'm sorry,' she said, when her sobs finally subsided. 'I didn't mean any of it.'

'It's all right,' James murmured. 'Are you feeling better?'

She nodded gratefully. 'Thank you. I – about the Animagus thing –'

'I ought to have told you earlier. I'm sorry I forgot.'

'It's OK. It was just the shock, I reckon. And last night was a little rough – but you must have had it worse. Were you really running about with a werewolf?'

'Yeah – but it's not as bad as you think, Lily. We've been doing this since fifth year, remember?'

'Fifth year. I can't believe it, James. It's – well, it is impressive.'

'Of course,' he said, tapping his head playfully. 'I'm James Potter the Great, after all, and that's why you love me.'

'Potter the Bigheaded Berk.' But she smiled as she said it. James had come a long way from the arrogant git he'd been in fifth year.

He grinned and bent to kiss her, but Lily avoided him in alarm. 'James, I've just been sick! You won't want to –'

'I don't care,' he said, and kissed her anyway. 'You've tasted better,' he admitted, and she rolled her eyes.

'I warned you.' She got to her feet. 'I'm going to brush my teeth.'

James stretched his arms and yawned. 'Blimey, I'm knackered.'

'Go to bed, then. I'll come when I've cleaned up a bit.'

When she had cleaned out her mouth and rid herself of the sour taste, Lily returned to the living room. James hadn't left; he had succumbed to his fatigue and was snoring softly in the armchair. Smiling to herself, Lily picked up the blanket that had fallen to the ground and shook it a few times before draping it over him. Then, on second thought, she lifted it and squeezed herself into the chair too, half on James's lap. Laying her head against his shoulder, she closed her eyes to sleep too.

A/N: For anyone who's interested, I wrote an outtake from this chapter some time back, on Lily and James's wedding, specially for spidergirl, who is an amazing reader and friend! That outtake can be found here, on my LJ: http://shiiki.