FALLING WITH GRACE
by shiiki

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Announcements

December, 1979

Alice Longbottom handed Lily a warm tea cup.

'Drink,' she said firmly. 'It's chamomile tea. You'll feel better.'

Lily took a tentative sip. The warm liquid slid soothingly down her throat, which was sore from vomiting.

'Thanks,' she croaked. 'I'm sorry, I don't know why …' She'd come to the Longbottoms to talk to Frank about several things she could do for the Order, but for some reason, the smell of Alice's cooking had made her stomach go queasy. She'd been heaving for the past fifteen minutes.

'Don't be sorry,' said Alice. 'I felt absolutely horrid, too, my first month along.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Oh, I couldn't cook breakfast for a week – Frank had to do it, and then I couldn't eat, because it'd all come up again. I felt so bad for him; after all the effort he put into making breakfast, I didn't have any. But it'll get better, don't worry.'

'I don't understand.'

'The morning sickness, I mean. You know – vomiting and all that.'

Lily's eyes widened as understanding dawned on her. Alice was … pregnant? Then her cheeks warmed as she realised what Alice was assuming.

'Alice, you've got it wrong, I don't have morning sickness. I didn't know you were expecting, though.'

'I didn't tell you? Oh, I don't know how it must have slipped my mind; I certainly meant to …'

'When are you due?'

'Next summer – still a long way. But Lily, you … I thought … well, I reckon you'd know better. But I could've sworn you were pregnant, too, what with your being sick and all that … heaven knows I felt that way two months ago!'

Lily shook her head. 'I'm not …' She found that she couldn't finish the sentence, however. Alice's innocent assumption had sowed a seed of uncertainty. What if Alice was right? If what she'd believed to be the flu or a virus affecting her really was … a baby?

Frank returned to the kitchen then, dressed in his Auror's robes. 'Are you feeling better, Lily?' he said briskly. 'I'm sorry to rush you if you're not feeling well, but I'm afraid I have a shift in half an hour, so we'll have to talk now.'

'It's all right, Frank, I'm fine,' said Lily, taking another draught of Alice's chamomile tea. Her stomach felt much more settled already. There – it must be just a stomach bug after all. She pushed thoughts of pregnancy out of her mind and focused on Order work.

The nagging suspicion tugged at her for the rest of the day, however. She finally stepped into a Muggle pharmacy in the afternoon, deciding to put her doubts to rest.

Ten minutes later, Lily stared at the thin, plastic stick she was holding in her fingers, not daring to believe the information it was waving in her face.

It's got to be wrong.

But though her mind was in denial, the rest of her – heart, body, and soul – didn't really need this piece of conclusive evidence to confirm what was by now (quite literally) a growing suspicion.

She Banished the Muggle pregnancy test kit, with its affirmative pink cross, to the rubbish bin, and sank onto the couch. Unconsciously, her hands settled almost protectively over her belly.

Was it just her imagination, or had she just felt a flutter of movement inside?

It was difficult to comprehend that within her were the stirrings of new life. Even tougher was the question: What was she to do now?

---

Neither she nor James had planned for such a scenario; they were young and newly-wed with no stable careers – already not the best circumstance for a child. Add in a war where they were on the front line, and the whole situation became horribly dangerous. The thought of bringing an innocent baby into the thick of the fight sickened her.

Yet another part of her couldn't help feeling thrilled that in the midst of death and doom, life could be blossoming.

Lily was standing in the living room, staring into the fire with an expression of deep thought in her eyes. James sidled up to her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. She started and turned to meet his gaze, her brow still furrowed in serious contemplation.

'Is anything wrong? You look awfully serious.'

Lily bowed her head for a moment. When she looked up again, her green eyes were bright with a bewildering mixture of joy and apprehension.

'I think you'd better sit down before you hear this,' she said bracingly.

'Lily, what –'

'Just – just sit, all right?' She sounded extremely frazzled. Alarmed, James allowed her to lead him to the couch. When they were both seated, she took a deep breath and said, 'We – James, we're going to be … parents.'

His jaw fell open in amazement. Of all the surprises she could have sprung on him …

'What – Lily, are you saying that you're …' his voice trailed off hopefully.

Lily nodded. 'Yes, James, I am.'

'That's great!' The words burst out of him in a half-laugh. He sprung up and grabbed her hands, swinging her around the room in his excitement. A baby – they were going to start their own family! 'I'll be a dad! And you'll be a mum … I wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl … or even both!'

'James, stop!' Lily pulled away from him, looking slightly upset. Surprised, James stared at her. 'Aren't you worried about how we're going to raise this child? With Voldemort around and all … we're in the Order, James – it's all so dangerous …'

'You're not saying that – you want to get rid of … No, Lily, please –'

'No, of course not, James!' Lily sounded horrified at the very suggestion. 'I'd never … He – or she – is my child.'

'And mine,' added James.

'Ours,' agreed Lily. 'We're having this baby, James. I'm just worried about his – or her – future.'

He'd never meant a thing more than when he looked Lily in the eye and vowed forcefully, 'Then we'll make sure he – or she – will have a future.'

---

It should have been a joyous Christmas. Sirius and Peter came over to Godric's Hollow to celebrate, but Remus couldn't be contacted. It was quite common for him to go missing for long periods of time now, without warning – James wasn't certain exactly what errands Remus was running for the Order, but he knew better than to ask about a possibly top-secret mission, if Remus wasn't forthcoming with details.

Still, they managed to have quite a merry gathering. James had cooked dinner, under Lily's supervision, and Sirius wouldn't stop ribbing him about apron strings. James didn't really mind; the news about the baby, which he and Lily had agreed to disclose later, was like a bubbling spring of joy inside his heart.

Indeed, Sirius was struck speechless when Lily announced shyly, 'I'm pregnant.' He stared at Lily with eyes so wide that it seemed as though he'd never seen her before. James couldn't help but laugh at his dumbstruck expression. Then Sirius turned to him.

'You're having me on,' he said disbelievingly. 'No way – Prongs is going to be a dad?'

James nodded, grinning.

Peter was more placid. 'Congratulations, I reckon,' he said formally, reaching out to shake Lily's, and then James's, hands. 'But don't you think it might be quite … well, dangerous? I mean, with You-Know-Who –'

'Voldemort –'

Peter shuddered, but continued. 'Maybe it's not such a good idea, James, Lily. I think – I think you should reconsider this.'

'Reconsider?' exploded Sirius suddenly, snapping out of his half-dazed state. 'Wormtail, if I didn't know you any better, I'd say you were trying to take the coward's way out of this.'

'I'm just saying that it might make Lily and James safer if they didn't have a baby to tie them down. They'd have a faster getaway if – if You-Know-Who came after them.'

'Relax, Peter,' said Lily reassuringly. 'We're not going to be murdered just because we've got a baby with us.'

'All I'm saying is –'

'I know,' interrupted James. 'We did think about it, Peter. But the kid's on the way already, and we're going to have him.'

Peter sighed. 'Be careful, all right?'

'We will, Peter,' promised Lily. 'Now – would any of you like –'

But they never found out what Lily wanted to offer them. The window shattered at that moment as a snowy owl bashed its way through and delivered a black envelope which smoked at the edges in a Howler-like style. The envelope fluttered to the ground in front of Sirius, and the owl took off out the window, back into the night.

'What the …' Sirius reached out for it, puzzled.

'Don't touch it!' yelped Peter. 'It's – it … it looks cursed.' James narrowed his eyes, considering the possibility. It really just looked as though someone had managed to dye a Howler black.

'Specialis Revelio!' commanded Lily. Her spellwork revealed no latent hexes on or around the smoking black envelope, which was starting to whistle now, so Sirius levitated it and used his wand to slit it open.

The house was immediately filled with screaming. The letter evidently was a Howler, but there was no admonishment, just howl after howl of tortured, agonised yells.

James's first thought was to Banish the Howler, but shock and a touch of disgusted terror rooted his wand arm to his side. Who had sent such a nasty letter? It reeked of cruel sadism … it had to be Death Eater work. Didn't that mean the Howler was dangerous, then? He had to get rid of it.

'Abigo! Evanesco!' But even a desperate 'Reducto!' did nothing but blast a hole in the opposite wall. The wailing – now punctuated with gasping sobs and the sound of manic laughter in the background – continued. James realised with increasing alarm that the voice issuing from the Howler sounded familiar.

Were they hearing the cries of one of their compatriot as Death Eaters – or even Voldemort – tortured him to death?

James didn't know how long the four of them sat there, transfixed by horror and frozen in distress. The silence that followed the conclusion of the screams rang as loud as the yelling, and before any of them could find their voices, the vicious laugh of Bellatrix Black chilled them to the bone.

Then the Howler, having screamed itself out, disintegrated to the floor in a pile of ash.

There was a retching noise, and James turned to Lily, anxious, but although she looked extremely green, she hadn't been the one to throw up. It was Sirius who had emptied his dinner onto their living room floor – Sirius, who was now whey-faced and trembling.

'Shit,' he exploded, once he'd wiped his mouth. He was kneeling on the ground, having fell to his hands to vomit. He let out a couple more choice expletives before pushing himself to his feet and groping along the walls like a blind man as he made for the door.

James made a grab for Sirius's arm, but Sirius shook him off and stumbled out of the room.

'Sirius, stop –'

He managed to catch on to his best friend in the hallway, dodging a blind swing from Sirius as he did so.

'Let me go,' gasped Sirius. He swore again, and tried to punch James in the stomach. He missed his target, but the blow stuck James on the shoulder. James hit back, sensing that Sirius needed to fight someone now – and there was no way he'd let his Sirius go out and hunt down his cousin in this state.

'Silencio!' he muttered – no need to alarm Lily and Peter yet – but this gave Sirius enough time to slam his fist into James's cheekbone, and the force made James stagger backwards into a table.

'Damn – ouch –'

Then, as though all his violent energy had been expended, Sirius collapsed against the wall, breathing hard, his face buried in his hands.

'She – he – fuck her – oh God, I can't believe …'

James gingerly reached up to feel his cheek. It felt bruised, but it didn't seem as though anything was broken. Quietly, he squatted next to his friend.

'I thought it'd be … Aurors … God, it'd be bad enough … he was all right, once …' James pulled his hands away from his face, and Sirius stared at him, his grey eyes burning with dark anguish. 'But if Bella got him – he ...'

Incoherent as Sirius was, James managed to put two and two together. Regulus Black – it was Sirius's brother whose screams had just reverberated around the house. James hadn't any idea how Regulus might have fallen foul of the Death Eaters, but it didn't matter. James was willing to bet that Regulus was dead now … tortured to death … and it didn't take a genius to work out that Bellatrix Black was very likely responsible.

It had to be killing Sirius, to know that. He was very outspoken about his loathing for his family – with the exception of his cousin Andromeda – yet James had never heard him denounce his brother sincerely. Sirius seemed to harbour a secret hope that Regulus would see the light someday.

Whether he had or not, it was too late now.

'He sounded like that as a kid,' said Sirius suddenly, in a very hollow voice. 'When Dad punished us – he could always yell the house down. We used to – cover for each other.

'He's a right idiot, getting himself killed. He should've – I could've, if he'd … Shit, James, what'd I do to get such a thick brother?' There was no malice in his words, however. 'Why the hell do I even give a damn?'

'Because he was your brother,' said Lily's voice. James hadn't realised she'd come. He wondered if she'd heard the fight, even with his Silencio. Or if she'd followed them and watched all this while. She didn't comment on his bruised appearance, however – bending down, she reached out to touch Sirius's arm. 'You were brothers once, and that's important.' Her arms stretched out around him and tightened in a hug.

'He was all right, once,' mumbled Sirius.

'Maybe he still was, in the end,' offered James. Sirius gave a bark of a laugh, and gently pushed Lily away.

'Maybe,' he said roughly. 'Fuck it, James. You're my brother, have been for years, you're the one who'd better not die. Don't you fucking die, too, you hear me?'

'I hear you, Sirius.'

'Good.' He rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, his mouth set in a grimace.

Lily rose and said quietly, 'I'll get a Draft for Dreamless Sleep. There's some in the kitchen, I think.'

Understanding her intention, James took his cue. 'Come on, Sirius, you can have the spare room tonight.' He hauled his best mate to his feet and guided him down the hallway to the empty room. Lily entered a moment later, a potion-filled goblet in her hands.

'Take care, Sirius.' She left the room, but James stayed a while, watching Sirius down the potion as though it were Firewhisky.

'Sorry for ruining Christmas,' he muttered.

'It's not your fault.'

Sirius didn't reply; Lily's Sleeping Draft was potent. He was already asleep. James closed the door softly behind him as he left.

Lily and Peter were in conversation when he returned to the living room.

'– lucky it was opened, really, otherwise it'd explode – probably with enough force to take the whole house and us with it.'

'How d'you know that, Wormtail?'

Peter still looked rather white in the face. James reckoned it must have given him a horrible fright, hearing the Howler go off. 'I – well, I heard this tale from someone at the Department – said the … that last family that got blown up – er – got one of those things.' He jerked his head at the pile of ash on the ground and shuddered.

'I don't think I really want to find out,' said Lily faintly. 'I hope we can get rid of its … remains, though. Evanesco!'

Thankfully, whatever magic that had prevented the Howler from being Vanished no longer hung about once it had been delivered in full. The ashes disappeared without a trace.

'I'd better take my leave now, then,' said Peter. 'Um … happy Christmas …'

'Happy Christmas, Peter,' said James, shaking Peter's hand. 'Sorry about the whole …'

Peter shrugged. 'Nothing much any of us could've done to prevent that, was there? Those Death Eaters –' he shivered '– have got the sickest sense of humour. I hope Sirius'll be all right.'

He put on his cloak, bid them farewell again, and Disapparated. James staggered to the couch, feeling extremely weary all of a sudden, and fell onto it. Lily came and sat next to him, leaning her cheek against his shoulder.

'Poor Sirius,' she said after a moment's pause. 'I can't imagine … no, I can, but I don't want to.' James reached for her hand – it was cold. He traced his thumb around the inside of her palm, rubbing it comfortingly. 'I saw him, James. I saw him at Hogwarts.'

'Regulus?'

He felt her face move against him as she nodded. 'I was at Slughorn's party … he was there – I thought there was something odd about him, and I almost caught him, but he … he got away. And I didn't think any more of it because everyone was all right, and that was the night … the night that Dorcas …'

James held her hand tighter. 'Did you think he was a Death Eater?'

'I – don't know. I thought he might have been … but he seemed ... distressed. As though he was involved in something way over his head. And he wanted information from Slughorn … but Slughorn wouldn't give. And – he ran for it afterwards. James, if only I'd managed to catch him! Maybe we could have helped him, if he was really … defecting from the Death Eaters.'

'Or maybe he wasn't. What if he was killed because he failed in his assignment – sounds right up Voldemort's street, doesn't it? How would we know, Lily?'

'We – we can't.'

They both fell into a brooding silence. James broke it after several minutes with, 'Are you going to tell Sirius?'

'Wha – oh. I don't know, James. Should I?'

'No. At least not now. We don't know anything for sure, Lily, and the whole thing's just so messy … no. Let's just let the whole thing rest. There's no point giving Sirius any more grief.'

'All right.' Lily's arms crept up around his neck. He winced as her fingers pressed against the bruise forming on his cheek. 'Does it hurt?'

'Not much – ow!' She was rubbing on it.

'Hush, you need to rub it a bit, or it'll be worse tomorrow.'

James grimaced. 'Gently, all right?'

'He really cared about Regulus, didn't he?' said Lily after a while.

'Yeah, I reckon. I know he didn't really show it – he hates his family, you know, but Regulus was … I suppose they were really good friends before … before I came along, actually.' Should he feel guilty about that? He'd been best friends with Sirius for such a long time, it seemed like forever. It'd been so long that it was hard to imagine that before they'd been friends, Sirius had belonged to a different world, and had had a different brother there. A brother he'd practically renounced since he'd claimed James as one, but who still managed to tug at his heartstrings.

His uncertainty must have been written all over his face, because Lily said, 'Sirius loves you. You're more of a brother to him than Regulus – he cares about Regulus, but you're even more important.' She kissed his bruised cheek. 'It's obvious. He'd die for you. And I'm betting you'd probably do the same. But don't either of you go dying just yet.'