by shiiki
October, 1981
The only light in the room was the glow of Lily's wand. It threw their faces into sharp relief: Lily, her face screwed up in tense concentration over the spell; Peter's expression a picture of nervous anticipation.
This was powerful magic taking place, James realised with wonder. He could feel as the charm took root, the magic in the room almost tangible; the air felt thick with it. Harry shifted in his arms, but made not a sound. It was as though he understood, young as he was, the gravity of the moment.
'Do you accept?' said Lily, reciting the Fidelius ritual.
Peter gulped. 'I do,' he whispered.
Thank you, thought James.
'Secretum celetur.' Lily touched the tip of her wand to Peter's. The light glowed brighter, briefly illuminating the room, then it seemed to transfer to Peter's wand, dimming as it did, finally leaving them in darkness.
There was silence, broken only when Harry gurgled softly.
'Lumos,' said Lily. The room brightened. She lit the fireplace, staring into the flames for a long moment before turning to face James and Peter.
'It's – it's done?' asked Peter uncertainly. 'Did it – did it work?'
Lily nodded, looking exhausted. James thought casting the charm might have drained her.
'Sirius is outside,' Peter reminded them. 'I'd better go – well … tell him.' He whispered the last two words reverently, as though he couldn't quite believe that he held so much power inside him. James didn't blame him; it was hard to wrap his own mind about the fact.
Peter left and returned minutes later with Sirius, who looked at Lily in awe.
'It disappeared,' he said, amazement evident in his voice. 'Just – vanished. And then Peter – he seemed to Apparate in front of me … And when he told me where you were – it was like I'd forgotten the address – the house, it appeared again. You really did it, Lily.'
'Yes,' she said quietly, her face still drawn and tired.
'You're sure I won't be able to give anything away if …' Sirius gazed expectantly at Lily.
'Only the Secret-Keeper can divulge the secret,' Lily assured him. 'Even if you wanted to tell, you'd never be able to.'
Sirius nodded, determination flaring in his eyes. 'Good,' he said, and he seemed to be steeling himself. James thought he could understand why. He felt anxiety take root in the pit of his stomach.
'Sirius –' he began.
Sirius scowled at him. 'We discussed this,' he said shortly. He held out his arms for Harry. James handed his son over. 'It's for Harry.' Sirius smoothed the jet-black down on Harry's head and looked up. He met James's eyes solemnly. 'We'll keep him safe, and watch him grow up. I promise.'
Lily placed her hand on Sirius's shoulder and said what James wanted to but couldn't due to the lump in his throat. 'We want you to be safe, too.' She glanced at Peter. 'Both of you.'
Peter nodded. 'I'm not looking to die,' he said faintly.
'No one will come after you, Wormtail.' Sirius handed Harry to Lily. 'I'll make sure of it. Everything's going to be fine.' He turned to James again and repeated, 'I promise.'
James held Sirius's gaze. 'I'll hold you to that,' he finally said, trying to smile.
None of them seemed to know what to say after that. It was several moments before Peter broke the silence. 'Sirius, we'd better be going. It's getting late.'
They both said goodbye to Lily and Harry, and James walked them to the door.
'You'll check in with us, won't you?'
'I'll look in on you – and Pete,' Sirius nodded at Peter, 'in a week.'
And that was that. His two friends walked out into a world that had just become a great deal more dangerous for them. James shut the door behind them, wondering how his heart could feel so hollow, and yet so heavy at the same time.
---
Lily pressed her forehead against the cool glass of the window. She watched as a Muggle lady jogged past and up to the door of Number Five next door. It still felt weird that she could see the people outside, but no one could see her, or even the house she was in. She wondered what the Muggles thought of the fact that between Number One and Number Five there was no longer a Number Three, Godric's Hollow.
It was like being invisible. Even after a week, she wasn't used to it, and she didn't know if she ever would be. How long would this sentence last? Probably until Voldemort fell – and who knew when that would be? Lily did not allow herself to think the morbid thought, what if it never ends?
Imagining the future as a shadow family – hidden and unseen by everyone except for Sirius and Peter – was too painful to contemplate. Thinking about the present wasn't much better; although for the first time in months – maybe even years – she felt safe, it came on the backs of sacrifices James's closest friends had made, and that troubled her.
Her mind drifted back to when things had really started going downhill, back in April – that first lucky escape. The first confirmation they'd received that Harry had been targeted. Was being targeted.
Since then it had been a constant nightmare trying to stay a step ahead of Voldemort. They'd tried lying low in the Muggle world; Remus had even suggested writing to Petunia for help, hoping she might have some Muggle contacts – this definitely qualified as an emergency worth troubling her. However, no response ever came. By the end of two months, during which they had moved three times on the mere suspicion that there might have been a leak to Voldemort regarding their whereabouts, Lily had been forced to admit that either her post had got lost, or Petunia simply didn't care. Lily knew that James firmly believed the latter, and while a part of her was angry that he did, she didn't try a second letter, for fear that it might prove him right.
It wasn't long after that the possibility of a spy in their midst arose. Sirius had been the first to point a finger at Remus – a chilling suspicion, especially considering the 'help' he had offered Lily in writing to Petunia. James refused to believe it, but Lily thought it was more that he didn't want to face the idea that any of his close friends would betray him, rather than that he possessed any evidence to the contrary.
Much as she hated it, she was forced to admit that Sirius's argument had logic. She had lost count around their fifth or sixth move, and while several times it had been more of a practice of constant vigilance than an actual emergency, they'd still had enough close shaves to believe that Voldemort knew more about their movements than he should.
Dumbledore himself had asserted his belief that there was a traitor among them. While Lily and James met with Dumbledore, Sirius had helped to look after Harry, and when they'd returned to tell him … Lily shivered as she remembered the dark anger that had blackened Sirius's face.
They'd stayed up the rest of the night in worried discussion – one that Lily could still replay in her mind – and that was when Sirius had reached his convincing conclusion.
Remus had been becoming increasingly distant, especially over the past year. He'd offered little information about his own life and activities – 'It could be secret work for the Order,' James interjected, but his tone was desperate; he was trying to find an excuse, any excuse.
'And he's a werewolf, James –' Sirius continued, whereupon James exploded.
'So that makes him evil? Sirius, you've never sounded more like a Black!'
He had crossed a line, and they all knew it immediately. Fortunately, Sirius seemed to recognise that James was simply distraught, and managed, though it looked to be with considerable effort, not to blow up at James. Lily thought she ought to step in.
'Voldemort's recruiting, James, you know he is – you know he has been all along. And Sirius isn't saying that we should mistrust Remus because he's a werewolf. It's just – given all other circumstances … he might have … succumbed.'
James looked from her to Sirius, his expression defeated.
'You – you both think it's Remus, then?'
'Bloody hell, James – someone is giving you away. It's either me –' James's eyes widened and he shook his head furiously, '– Peter, or Remus.'
It was ludicrous to imagine either Sirius or Peter as a traitor. Sirius – he had always loved James like a brother … he'd turned his back on his family and all it stood for long ago. And Lily only had to see the way he looked at Harry (it was amusing sometimes to see handsome, dashing Sirius Black turn into a sentimental puddle before his godson) to know that he would do anything to keep Harry safe.
As for Peter – meek, unassuming Peter, who was always so affable – she could no more imagine him playing the role of a double agent as she could herself.
Which left Remus, and a set of potentially suspicious circumstances, which she wouldn't have thought twice about if it hadn't been that someone was a spy. He could be innocent … or not. And they really couldn't afford to take chances. Not when their lives – and more importantly, Harry's – were at stake.
The Fidelius Charm had really been their only option. They had had many lucky escapes up til now, but both Lily and James had worried constantly: what would happen when their luck ran out?
Fidelius meant absolute secrecy. It was the ultimate hiding tool, and the beauty of it was that they could live anywhere, even the most obvious place. They could go home.
And so they had. And together with Sirius, they had hatched a plan.
There had been no doubt in either of their minds that Sirius would be their Secret-Keeper. Lily knew that no person could be more loyal to James than his best friend – his brother. Sirius, however, had been uneasy about the arrangement.
'That's the problem,' he had said. 'It's too obvious. I'd be the first person anyone would look for.'
'You'll hide, then.'
'You should know how hard it is to hide effectively from Voldemort, James.'
'But what else can we –'
'This is what we do: Peter will be your Secret-Keeper.'
'Peter? You can't be serious – that's like offering him to Voldemort on a silver platter!'
'No, listen. Peter keeps the secret, and I act as a decoy. Who would believe that you'd ask him, after all? I mean, anyone who knows him would assume he'd crack the moment Voldemort looked at him.'
'That's horrible, Sirius,' Lily had admonished. Peter might be meek, but he was surely braver than that.
'I'm not saying he would, but you can't deny that people think so.'
'What about you, then?' James had cut in sharply. 'Surely you're not suggesting that you bring Voldemort down on you –'
'That's exactly what I mean.'
'No.'
'I'm sorry?'
'No. It's bad enough that we even have to ask you to be Secret-Keeper – at least you'd be hiding well away then. You're not putting yourself into more danger, setting yourself up as bait!'
'It's a good plan, James.'
'Not if you die in the process!'
'Would you rather Harry did?'
Sirius had found the crucial argument. Lily still felt guilty for thinking the way she did. Should it come down to a choice between Harry's life and Sirius's, she'd pick Harry's. She hadn't been able to look Sirius in the eye, knowing that.
Lily sighed and shut the curtains. It had taken more entreating, with promises that Sirius would be careful, but James had finally given in. Sirius had paid for their safety at high cost to his own. She could only hope they'd all make it through this, and be able to repay him somehow when it was all over.
'You all right?' James had come down from putting Harry to bed.
Lily moved away from the window. 'Harry asleep?' she asked, avoiding his question. James knew her too well to be distracted, however. He nodded, and pulled her down onto the sitting room couch with him.
'What are you thinking of?'
She sighed and leant her head against him. 'Sirius. I'm worried, James. He's doing this for us, and I feel horrible about it.' She glanced up guiltily. 'I'm sorry. I know you're worried, too – I'm not helping much, am I?'
James ran a comforting hand down the back of her head. 'Sirius will be fine,' he said grimly. 'He knows I'd murder him if he didn't take care.'
Lily laughed shortly at his attempt to joke, to lighten the situation somehow, but the humour was short-lived. They lapsed back into silence.
'Do you feel selfish sometimes?' Lily wondered after a while. 'As though we chose Harry – and ourselves … at the expense of Sirius?'
James nodded. 'I hate the whole situation. But he was right – in the end, it was his choice to make. He chose to risk his life for Harry. And if it ever came down to it, so would I, so … I have to accept that this is what he wants to do.'
Lily shivered. Their conversation seemed to have taken on a foreboding nature, as though something bad was about to happen … but no, that was absurd. They were safe here. Her mind was just being paranoid, after all those months of being constantly on the alert.
There was a knock on the door. James brightened as he got to his feet.
'It must be Sirius or Peter, checking in,' he said in relief.
'Thank God,' Lily breathed. It would be good to see either one of them, just to know they were alive.
She waited as James walked down the hall, heard the door open … and then she froze, horror-struck, as a series of crashes and bangs ensued. Something had to be horribly wrong …
'Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off –' James's voice was cut off by a loud bam!
No. No! We were safe! How …?
Fear seared through her, along with guilt. Sirius must be dead. Peter must be dead. James would be dead if she didn't do something soon. This thought galvanised her leaden limbs into action.
Wand, wand – where was her wand? Shit – she'd left it upstairs, in the bedroom. So much for vigilance! She cursed as she charged up the stairs, tripping and stumbling along the way. How could she have left her guard down, left her wand beyond arm's reach?
Because we thought we were safe. We were supposed to be safe!
At least James's wand had been with him. Please don't let Voldemort kill him! As she burst through the bedroom door, she heard a cackle of high-pitched laughter, and her panic increased. Oh God, he's really here.
Upstairs, Harry was wailing – the noise must have woken him up. Harry. She had to get him out of here. Get him away to safety, and then come back and help James. James would – James had to stay alive until then.
The flash of green light from downstairs seemed to knock the wind out of her.
No!
Her vision blurred. Her fingers scrabbled wildly on her beside table – somehow they found her wand and snatched it up. Harry's cries were intensifying, the only sound left now; the crashing and banging from downstairs had ceased, but she didn't want to think about what that meant.
She focused on Harry. Her son, her baby – Harry. She had to save him.
But she had barely entered the nursery when a spell caught her in the back and flung her across the room, against Harry's crib. Her wand went soaring out of her hands, sailing straight into the long fingers of Voldemort.
'Lily Evans,' he said, almost cordially. 'I beg your pardon – Lily Potter now, of course.'
'Go away!' she screamed, as though it would help. Voldemort merely smiled, a horrible, twisted, mocking leer.
'Now, that isn't very welcoming. Neither was your husband, I'm afraid. But no matter. I'm not here to enjoy your hospitality. Where is the boy?'
She felt her fingers tighten around the bars of Harry's crib as Voldemort advanced. She shook her head frantically. No. No. Not Harry. Not Harry.
'Not Harry!'
But what good would it do? He was going to kill her, kill her and then he would kill Harry anyway, murder her baby, as he had killed James …
'Just give me the boy, Lily Potter. Give me the boy, and you will live.'
Wasn't he going to kill her? Why was he stopping to bargain with her? She didn't understand it at all … but whatever was going on, she'd never give Harry up to Voldemort. Even if it meant putting her own life up on the line. She continued to shake her head, sobbing now.
'Not Harry, not Harry, please – I'll do anything …'
'Stand aside – stand aside, you silly girl.' The bastard was amused. 'Stand aside, now.'
'No!' she screamed at him. 'Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead!'
He was laughing now, a cold, high-pitched laugh that was increasing her hysterical state. Even though she knew Voldemort had no pity in him, no mercy, she could only cry, scream, and beg – she had no weapons, no protection, nothing but herself to place between Harry and the monster who wanted him dead. Only herself to sacrifice. As long as she had a breath of life left in her, she would give it.
Maybe if she had been less distraught, something might have clicked in her mind – her love for her son, her willingness to sacrifice herself … somewhere in a distant, long-forgotten, closely-guarded secret memory, she might have put two and two together and figured out why Voldemort might want her alive, and how that could be the key to saving Harry.
But all coherent thought had left her, except for the mantra, 'Not Harry!' And this she repeated until a rush of green light stole the words from her lips and the breath from her lungs. Lily Potter, as she fell, would never know that in death, she had worked the most powerful, most protective magic the world would ever see.
Harry Potter, however, would.
A/N: The final chapter. Wow. It's been a year and a half since I first started posting the trilogy, and what an amazing journey it's been! Over the course of writing this story, I have learnt new things and met the most wonderful people who unfailingly make my day with their awesome reviews.
I can't possibly say goodbye without a huge shoutout to my fantastic beta, jamc91, who bravely soldiered through all three parts of the trilogy, and even agreed to stay on when I needed to up the pace to meet the pre-DH goal. She is amazing, and deserves a huge round of applause for all the hard work she put in!
I also want to say a special thank you to Angela for her cheerleadering and unwavering support, and for making me feel like a million bucks when she asked to translate Ashes and Embers. Thank you!
I wish I could thank all the rest of you marvellous readers by name as well, but there are so many more of you than I ever anticipated. I am very, very grateful for all your support.
So – new canon is arriving soon. Here's to more vivid detail from JKR about this era (yes, even if it renders this whole story A/U). May they spark more L/J and Marauder fics:)
Thank you all for reading,
shiiki