Drex helped Ke'dran gather his belongings. He was a mixture of emotions as he watched him out of the corner of his eyes. He did not want Ke'dran to go to Saren, but he knew he could not prevent him leaving and Ke'dran had dedicated his whole life to this planet. He only hoped they proved worthy of it. He was very quiet as they packed. He knew he was looking at more time spent with his mentor after Ke'dran left, part of the reason he was dreading his leaving -- that and his one source of comfort, the light in Ke'dran's soul, would be gone.
Ke'dran was also quiet, lost in his thoughts, thinking over what was to come. And what was already happening. Finally, finally he would be sent to Saren. It was his dream, his destiny, all that he had desired for so long. And yet... Yet, when he looked to Drex, he felt pain for leaving.
Drex left to take the last of the laundry from the small machine and brought it to him in a basket. "This is the last of it," he said quietly. He almost didn't let go of it to give it to him.
Zephir glanced to him, and smiled softly, seeing his reluctance, "Put it on the bed. I'll get it."
Drex did so and then began to sort the tunics from the pants to help. He wished Ke'dran did not have to go, but who was he to hold him back when the other had been working his whole life for this cause? It did not take long to sort the clothing and Drex folded it up for him and handed them to him without a word. He could not speak. He did not know why he felt so down and upset about Ke'dran leaving. Some part of him feared it and he did not understand why he would feel this way. It was just a mission.
Ke'dran paused, looking up to him again, his eyes flickering between gray and the greenest they had ever been, "I'll be back within months, regardless, Drex. I can't hope to fix everything in one go."
"I know," he said heavily. "I don't know what's the matter with me," he gave him a sad sort of smile. "Perhaps it's the weather."
"It does seem rather overcast," Ke'dran admitted, glancing outside their window, "But I feel that's not all," he paused a little, "You worry about your Master?"
Drex glanced away a little. "I shouldn't. I know. It's not her so much as I worry about you."
"Me?" Ke'dran raised an eyebrow, "I promise, I can take care of myself, Drex."
He flinched a little. "I know. Forgive me, I do not know what came over me."
"There is nothing to forgive," Ke'dran sighed, going to him, and laying a hand on his back, "I am touched, truly."
Drex looked up and met his gaze. "I do not want you to go and I do not know why. But I have no choice but to accept it," his voice deepened a little,"I have a bad feeling and it should be nothing. Perhaps it's my own fears of returning to my Master, perhaps it's not. I'm uncertain. I don't like leaving things in uncertainty."
"I know," Ke'dran said softly, rubbing in slow circles down his back, "Yet I know not how to give you certainty. Merely my word that I will come back to you. At least you won't have to live with her while I'm gone."
"Thankfully I have that small mercy," he said softly. "You give me your word?"
"Of course, if you wish it," Ke'dran stated, "And I have never broken it."
The unspoken yet, flickered into his mind, but he did not say it, pushing the thought deep down. "I know."
Ke'dran shook his head, "Yet I feel you still worry. Nothing can happen to me, I assure you."
"Then I want your word," Drex said finally.
"I have you my word, my heart, and my soul in pledge that I will return to you, regardless of even death," Zephir said solemnly.
"And I will hold you to it," Drex said, and gripped Zephir's hands.
Zephir held on to him in return, "I expect you to."
How long they were like that he did not know. He stared at Zephir's eyes unashamedly, as if trying to memorize the look in them, the light in them.
Finally, Zephir's eyes lowered, "I should finish." But he oddly didn't want to.
Drex reluctantly pulled away. "I know."
A soft sigh, and Zephir turned away finally, "It will be alright, Drex."
Drex nodded. He had to have faith that things would turn out all right. "When does your transport depart?"
"Before dawn tomorrow," Ke'dran informed him.
Drex grimaced a little. "I'll be sure to go with you to the ship. Wake me."
"I will. Hopefully I can with all the noise you make," he had to throw in that tease.
He cracked a small smile. "I'm sure you can manage. You've done it before."
"So I have," Ke'dran smirked a little bit.
He tried to shake his feeling of melancholy hoping that the Force would see that things turned out all right. He glanced down at his boots and the scene in his mind's eye began to change and blur in his nightmares, the room became filled with smoke and the taste of ash in his mouth. He began to panic, feeling Darkness press heavy on him like a blanket. Ke'dran was screaming, as the fire began to burn him, Drex cried out in horror as the flames grew, charring his friend's skin and he tried to go to his aide, but the Darkness held him fast and he could not. He began to cry, screaming as Ke'dran turned to ash slowly. Yet even then Ke'dran's arms of ash seemed to reach for him. He struggled to reach back, to tell him he was there and that things would be all right, but he could not move. Then he was falling, falling through the darkness when he landed in the bottom of a pit.
His heart was racing as he jerked awake and he knew he had been screaming. He buried his head in his hands as he tried to rid himself of the horror, but he still tasted the ash in his mouth. His voice was thick as he said "Lights on." He was disoriented, expecting to find himself in his apartment with Ke'dran, reassuring him that everything was fine, they would have tea and then…
He glanced around realizing after a moment that this was not his apartment with Ke'dran, but his own room. The events of the day rushed back to him.
Ke'dran was gone.
It had not been a nightmare, but reality seeping through to his dreams.
Ke'dran was dead and had turned to ash.
He huddled under his blankets, still tasting the ash, as he began to cry. He didn't care if his Master heard. This time he would pour out his grief.
At length his tears subsided and his Master still had not come to see if anything was wrong, not that he had expected her to. He slowly crawled out of bed and went to the kitchenette to brew tea. At least his Master approved of tea. She liked it because it was supposedly good for you. He heated a kettle of water on the stove and sat at the small table. In a moment his tea was done. He poured himself a steaming mug and sat back down, adding a little sugar in it. He didn't normally add sugar, but everything had been so sterile since he got home, he had to have a little. He stirred with the small spoon and tried to think of more pleasant memories of Ke'dran. Maybe those would help calm him...and help him feel a little better...
He was doing it again. He was sithin doing that 'body as a tool' exercise and every time he did, Ke'dran got a little colder...a little more icy. He was not going to let this happen if he could help it. Especially not on his birthday. He scowled. Couldn't Ke'dran have picked a different day to go about his...activities? Really, the man should have more heart...then again, that's why he was sleeping with everyone and everything. His Sithin master was freezing his heart. Ke'dran was heading down to the lower levels of the Temple, with another boy in tow...
Ke'dran's soft, 'stage' laughter washed back to him, not completely real, but his partner wouldn't notice. The other Padawan was too indulging in keeping a seemingly friendly arm about his shoulders, other secretly moving to feel under his shirt. Only to be swatted away. Even if this was just another exercise, he wasn't about to be caught before they got there. It was only a few more steps down, they having taken the steps from the floor level, not wishing to be caught in the lifts. He hadn't planned on doing this today, he had actually had other plans, but then Sehan had suggested it, and then Kell had offered...probably through his Master's design again... and so there he was, barely making it through the doors leading into the storage chambers, before he was being assaulted, Kell hungrily stripping his shirt before he could think, pressing him to a nearby wall, just by the door. Crass, tactless, but these exercises were never about comfort, and all about tuning the body and mind.
Ke'dran had changed from that boy he had first known -- he hadn't been as icy then. He still had ice but it was not as thick as it was now. Drex had taken the lift when it came back and headed down to the basement where he knew they were going. He stepped out to find Kell stripping. His eyes narrowed and then he cleared his throat loudly.
Kell paused in his actions. He looked sharply over, eyes narrowed, as Ke'dran also turned slightly wide eyes towards Drex. "Get out of here, kid. We're a little busy," Kell barked, before going back to his business.
Ke'dran just closed his eyes, desperately wishing Drex hadn't found them, knowing it in vain. He didn't want him to see him like this, not today. But no hope of that, as Kell started pulling his pants down. The body was a tool, humiliation beneath him. His Master strove to drive those deep in him.
"It's my naming day," Drex snapped. "I can stay down here if I want. Find somewhere else to strip, Kell."
Darkened crimson eyes glanced to him, glaring, Ke'dran's pants halfway off, his own shirt nearly undone, "I could care less. As would most of the Jedi. Go find somewhere else to do your meditations."
"No. Do your 'exercise' somewhere else. It's quiet and nice down here without your naked self."
Kell muttered a sigh, "Then watch and learn, because I really don't care."
A hard enough nip, right where it would be seen above the collar, and Ke'dran's hand came up, slapping Kell viciously. Gray eyes opened, still not looking to Drex, blazing at the older boy, "I told you, no seeable marks."
Kell glared, rubbing his red cheek, before he caught that still raised hand, pinning it, "I decided to change the rules a bit. Now hold still...Its bad enough your little pet has followed us."
Those eyes went very narrow, flickering almost darkly, before Kell suddenly let out a pained gasp, and stumbled back, one hand moving to protect his vital area. Surprise flickered across those blood red eyes, even as pain was obvious in his face.
"I don't care to be rough handled. Get out of here, before I send rumors stating you tried to rape a fellow Jedi," Ke'dran snapped, voice like ice as he stared at him.
Kell glared at him, then Drex, still very protective of his abused area, as he retreated, calling his shirt to him before he moved to the lift.
"And don't come back," Drex added after Kell's retreating form.
Ke'dran blew a soft breath, before moving to pick up and fasten his pants, "You shouldn't be down here," he commented, softly.
Drex shrugged a little. "It's my birthday," he said. "I wanted to find somewhere quiet to meditate," he lied lamely. He didn't want to admit the real reason he was down here. He did not want to sound like a stalker or something. "The basement seemed a good place..."
Ke'dran raised an eyebrow, before bending to pick up his shirt, "You're a terrible liar, Drex. Have always been so."
His face flushed a little in embarrassment. "Sorry."
Slipping on his tunic, another soft sigh came from Ke'dran, "It's fine. I wasn't up to this today."
"Then why did you agree?" He asked, looking down at his boots, his cheeks still red, unable to look at him.
"Master..." Ke'dran couldn't look at him in turn, as he fastened his tunic up, "and Kell can be persistent."
"So tell them no. Fight back. Isn't that what you tell me to do with my master?" He couldn't help but ask.
"It's a different thing with me, Drex," a tired smile, with no true feeling, and Ke'dran approached, ruffling his short hair a little, "Thank you though, for saving me this time."
Drex gave him a small smile. "You're welcome. I think you're wrong though, it is the same thing, you just won't see it in your own life..."
A slight shake of the head, and then Ke'dran touched his cheek gently, "I was intending to give you your present today, to be honest."
Drex looked up with some surprise. "A present? For me?"
In his entire life, only Ris had ever given him anything. His Master had always disapproved of even these. Even on his thirteenth birthday, Master Lokar had never gotten him a gift as was Temple tradition. He had been disappointed until he had realized that the reason she did not was because she did not want him growing attached to any object or person. As for Ris, at first it had been little things, like a bar of Alderaanian chocolate, then Ris had gotten more daring, giving him things to keep. He had started hiding them after Ris gave them to him, lest he lose them to her. He had gotten rather good at finding places to hide his presents to where she would not find them.
A nod, and an apologetic tilt to Ke'dran's smile, "It's not much, I'm afraid, but I was rather at a loss what to get you..."
Drex glanced down at his boots, not sure of what to say. "I'd like anything you'd give me," he said honestly after awhile. "You don't have to though, Master doesn't approve of presents. We never celebrate anything except by meditation."
"I know, but I dearly want to this year. So, close your eyes and I'll give it to you."
Drex closed his eyes, his heart pounding. Just the idea that someone besides Ris cared enough about him to get him something made things right with the galaxy again...
Ke'dran lightly took his right hand, opened it, and gently laid the braid across his palm, before closing those fingers. Brushing a brief kiss to Drex's knuckles, he then pulled away, "There we go, you can look now."
Drex opened his eyes and his mouth formed a little O as he stared at the silver braided strands. "Thank you," he said shyly, rubbing the silkiness with his fingers.
There was a spark of what might have been happiness in those greenish orbs, "Of course. I'm just pleased I chose well, seemingly."
Drex pulled out his journal he had with him always, tucked in his tunic and gently tucked it into the book. "Very well."
A faint nod, Ke'dran met his eyes, "Well, it seems you've cleared my schedule of fiends and such. What shall we do?"
"You could meditate with me?" he suggested hopefully.
Ke'dran seemed to consider it, "I would like that."
"You would?" He seemed almost unsure, afraid he might have misheard.
Amusement flickered in those eyes, "Of course. I'd be honored to share meditation with you on this day."
"Would you like to find someplace more comfortable? Or would you rather stay down here?" Drex asked after a moment.
"I leave that up to you," it was given with a soft smile, "It is your Naming day."
"Let's go to the room where the Healing Crystals of Fire are," Drex suggested after a moment. He needed the warmth in those crystals, especially on this day.
"Lead the way," Ke'dran's gaze was understanding as to why he would want to go there.
Drex held one of the crystals, warm against his palm and stroked them almost reverently. There was no one else about and he had greatly appreciated the silence and the natural light. It was comforting rather than sterile and artificial. "They're so beautiful." The crystals were everything his master was not.
Ke'dran sat near him, watching him in the dimness, "So they are, and will always be so."
He placed them into Ke'dran's hands so the other could feel the warmness the crystals radiated. "So natural and warm. Unlike everything in both of our lives."
Ke'dran lightly closed his fingers over them, for just a moment, feeling the warmth, seeing the light filter through his hands. He smiled slightly, though it was a tad bit empty, "That is true. Yet, they themselves are mere remnants of a dead time," it was a soft sigh, as Ke'dran lay them back into Drex's hands.
"Perhaps but it's better than a time where everything is so false and constructed," Drex said after a moment. "Even Coruscant is sterile."
"I hope to get the time they came from, back," it was a soft sigh from Ke'dran, a longing one.
"How are you going to do that?" He couldn't help but ask. "Being a perfect Jedi won't make Coruscant less sterile."
In fact, it would likely make it worse, but he wouldn't say such a thing to Ke'dran.
"These came from Saren, before its dying ages. Being the perfect Jedi, will help me resurrect Saren." or so he desperately wanted to believe.
"How can being cold and icy help resurrect a dying world?" Drex had to ask it.
He knew he probably should have said it a little more tactfully, but the question had been out of his lips before he could think about it.
Ke'dran didn't look offended, "Being untouchable, will save me from the darkness that the world is consumed with."
"You think ice will help?" he looked askance at that. "One would think warmth would be a counterpoint rather than coldness. Coldness could fuel the dark more than combat it."
"Anger, fear, those fuel the darkness. Not cold, Drex," Zephir corrected.
Drex was mutinous. He knew cold helped, but he did not say anything further on the subject. "I guess we should begin," he said after a moment. He wasn't really sure how to do it with someone. He never had before.
Seeing how lost he was, Zephir lightly took his hands, "I'll lead you through."
"You've done this with someone before?" he asked.
"My Master," Ke'dran admitted.
He shuddered a little at the idea of doing birthday meditation with his Master. He hated to meditate with her, it was normally an excuse to surprise him with shield exercises...
"But I won't do it like he does with me," Ke'dran assured, "Just relax, Drex. Focus."
He tucked the crystals into his tunics, where they warmed his skin and he closed his eyes, concentrating on the warmth.
Zephir smiled fondly, and closed his eyes in turn, holding tight to Drex's hands as he drew the Force over them both.
Drex pulled himself from those pleasant thoughts and stared down into the depths of his tea mug. He still had the lock of hair Ke'dran had given him. He had not been able to give it to be burned for the funeral. He just couldn't bring himself to and now it was the only piece of Ke'dran he had left, besides his memories.
He pulled out his journal and gently took the lock of hair out of the book and fingered it carefully.
Ke'dran would always be with him in some small way.
The warmth in Ke'dran still was there, through the tiny piece of him he had.
Comforted by that thought, Drex finally stood and went to the sink to empty the remains of his mug and then to go back to his room to bed.
He crawled back under his covers, still clutching the piece of hair, after putting his journal underneath his pillow. "Dreams pass in time," he told himself firmly, knowing that even these nightmares would eventually pass.
So he desperately hoped.