Cracktacular Chapter 2: Ara, think of it as a reverse bear trap!, a mai hime fanfic

A/N: Yes, I am insane.

"No, no, no. Look, the way we're arguing here isn't going to solve anything. Let's just go around the circle, one at a time. Like Robot Chicken."

"Robot Chicken sucks."

"You're just saying that to be contrary, Colt."

"Oh, you friggin' figure, Haruhi?"

"Why you-"

"NO! NO! PEACEPIPE! PEACEPIPE! Yuuki! What were we talking about?"

"People from Fuuka or Windbloom."

"Yeah… what topic were we on?"

Arika Yumemiya and Nina Wàng paced across the sidewalk, clad in their dark feminine cut black suits.

"What was her name again…?" Nina suddenly piped up.

"Shizuru."

"Shizuru… How did Natsuki and her meet?"

"I don't know… people meet people, I guess… used to be an actress or something." Arika shrugged.

"Oh really? What'd she do?"

"I think her biggest deal was she starred in a Pilot."

Nina gave an eyebrow, "Pilot, what's a pilot?"

"You know the shows on TV?"

"…I don't watch TV."

Arika turned around at the front door, sighing, "Well but you are aware there's an invention called the television, and on it they show shows?"

Nina bit down the urge to sneer at the patronization, "Yeah?"

"Well, how they pick shows is that they make one show. They call this show a pilot, and they show this show to the people who pick shows, and on the strength of this one show they decide whether they want to make more shows. Some get chosen and become television programs. Other don't, and become nothing."

Arika grabbed the door handle and swung it open, before turning back.

"She starred in one of the ones that became nothing."

Entering a cheap motel, the conversation took an odd turn.

Arika suddenly asked, "You remember Tomoe Marguerite? Long hair to one side, acted all pretty and stuff?"

"Wasn't she gay?"

"Well, what can we do about it, right?"

Nina shrugged, "Well, what about her?"

"Well, Natsuki fucked her up good. Word around the campfire was on account of Natsuki Kruger's new wife."

The elevator chimed, and the two girls stepped in. Nina pressed a floor before prodding.

"What'd she do? Fuck her?"

"No, no. Nothing that serious."

"…Then what'd she do?"

"Gave her a foot massage."

"…Foot massage? That's it?"

"Hmm-hmmm"

"Then what'd Natuski do?"

"Sent a couple of cats over to Tomoe's place, took her to the patio and threw her ass over the balcony. Fell four stories, had a little garden at the bottom enclosed in glass like a greenhouse?"

Nina nodded at description.

"Well she fell through that. Well since then, she kinda developed a speech im-ped-i-ment."

"That's a damn shame."

"Uh-huh."

As they stepped out of the elevator in the connecting hallways, sparsely decorated with music coming through flimsy wood doors and garish tan lights, Nina spoke of with a general lack of sensitivity.

"Well, I have to say, 'play with matches and you get burned'."

Arika turned back in an incredulous look and they walked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you shouldn't be giving Natsuki's new bride a foot massage."

"You don't think he overreacted?"

Nina rose her arms in defense, "Well, Tomoe probably didn't expect Natsuki to act the way she did, but she must have been expecting something."

"It was a foot massage, a foot massage doesn't mean anything. I give my mother a foot massage."

"Well, it's laying your hands in a familiar way on Natsuki's new wife. Is it as bad as eating her out? No, but it's still the same ballpark."

"It isn't even the same thing!"

"It isn't. It's the same ballpark."

Arika turned to stop her partner there, "It's no fucking ballpark neither, I don't know if your method of massage differs from mine, but touching his wife's feet, and sticking your tongue where it shouldn't be isn't the same fucking ballpark, it isn't the same league, it isn't even the same fucking sport! Look, foot massages don't mean shit!"

Nina gave a wry look, "Have you ever given a foot massage?"

Arika snorted, "Hey, don't be telling me about foot massage, I'm the Foot fucking Master!"

"Give 'em a lot?"

"Yeah! Got my technique down and everything."

Nina stepped forward to close the trap. "Would you give a foot massage to John Smith?"

"…Fuck you."

Nina choked back a victorious grin as she followed after a fuming Arika, "Give 'em to him a lot?"

"Fuck you."

"Hey, I'm kinda tired, maybe I could use a foot massage-"

"Hey, cut it out, I'm getting a little pissed here…"

They stepped around a corner till the found a particular door they recognized for its number.

"This is it."

"Yep."

"What time do you have?"

Nina pulled out a pocket watch from her suit, "…Seven Twenty Two AM."

"Hmmm… A bit early. Let's hang back a bit."

The two passed the door until they reached a stairwell. Debate ensued.

"Now look, just because I wouldn't give a foot massage to everyone doesn't mean it was right for Natsuki to throw Tomoe off a building into a glass motherfucking house, fucking up the way she talks. That shit isn't right. A motherfucker do that to me, he'd better paralyze my ass 'cause I'd kill the motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?"

Nina snorted as she tried to explain, "I'm not saying it's right, but you're saying that a foot massage doesn't mean anything, and I'm saying it does. I've given a million girls a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like it doesn't but they do. I mean, that's what's so fucking cool about it. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it… fucking Natsuki knew it, and Tomoe better should have fucking known about it. I mean, it's her fucking wife, there's no sense of humor about this shit. You know what I'm saying?"

Arika mulled it over for a second, "It's an interesting point. Come on, let's get into character."

The two stood before the door, before one more question nagged at the Nina.

"What's her name again?"

"Shizuru."

"Shizuru…"

"Why you so interested in the Boss's wife?"

"Well, she's going out of town to Florida so she asked me to take care of her while she's gone."

"…Take Care?" Arika asked incredulously, pointing a finger at her temple as a mock gun.

"No, no! Just take her out… show her a good time, make sure she doesn't get lonely…"

"…You're going to be taking Shizuru out on a date?"

"It's not a date. It's like… if you were taking your buddy's wife to a movie… just good company, that's all."

She was met with silence.

They stood there for while longer.

"It's not a date. It's definitely not a date."

Arika just snorted.

"No, wait. We weren't talking about that. I taste too much Tarintino. I thought we were on… what were we talking about?"

"Something about Justice…"

"Afro Samurai?"

Under the chill blue moonlight, a none-too-friendly party of men ringed in a smallish girl, though she seemed fairly nonplused, standing limply with a cigarette in her mouth burning slowly, a massive black sword flush against her back.

From the group, a particular spokesman stepped out, marked by his one single working eye, the other milky white and bulging out uselessly.

"This is the end of the road… Cat Sam'rai!"

The girl in question didn't seem to notice that. The man was too indulgent in his little monologue to care either.

"We got twenty men here, all armed to the teeth. We didn't say we were gonna play fair, were we? Got no idea why, but some rich folk are willing to play top dollar for the trinket 'round your neck… so why don't you, give it up, kid?"

The girl refused to answer. The leader shrugged.

"Everybody's a tough guy. Okay, have it your way. Get ready, boys!"

Blades and guns and knives and spears and sickles and chains and every other possible what not was pulled out, shining under the cold white moon. As the clouds pulled the world back into darkness, she merely swung her cigarette away with her mouth, before both hands grabbed the red handle of her sword and throwing the massive weight into a ready position by her side. The leader scoffed.

"Look here, guys. Big girl's gonna try and take us out with a sword bigger than her… GO GET 'ER!"

In moments the crowd closed in running, screaming, blades leading. The back, men with archaic flintlocks waited for the right moment to fire.

An explosion, a red hot steel marble flew through the air. Her eyes snapped open. Swinging her sword out, tip sparking across the ground, she slammed the edge right upon the burning shot.

Fragments of metal flew past her, ripping into the men that were behind.

"What the- That's impossible!"

"Sonova-"

"FreekinmotherImgunnaCUTYAAA!"

A flash of light, with red right after, and limbs started flying. Possibly, with a bloody corpse attached to it. Swirling around, she delivered kicks that shattered bones and strikes that cleaved flesh. She dropped under lancing spears to spin around and remove men of their legs. Even if they jumped high into the air, or threw knives with amazing accuracy, she merely nimbled out of the way and proceeded to ruin more men in a heavy weight shower of blood.

Up above on a tree, unnoticed by anyone, a man idly watched through his binoculars. Even amidst the blood shed, he could see a fain glimmer of a slim necklace. So she still had it after all these years.

He felt strangely pleased.

As the moonlight came out from the behind the clouds, the last man slammed to the earth dead.

Minagi Mikoto pulled a light to her cigarette, ignoring the massacre she incurred behind her as she continued on as always. Alone.

"Nothing personal… it's just business."

"Not Justice as in Justice the Cowboy, Justice as in Peace and Love."

"I'm getting Trigun vibes here."

Miyu shot out a hand with intercrossed fingers.

"EVERYBODY! REPEAT AFTER ME! LOVE AND PEACE!"

"Too hippie. We were talking about Justice as in… Peace. Not Love."

"Combat Waitress Mikuru?"

Nao, for some inexplicable reason wearing a witch hat, muttered rather blandly, as if read off a script, "Why don't we finish this? We're running short on time. We must end this before our lunch break is over."

Midori rather showily guffawed, a rather hard act to do in her waitress get-up, before striking a finger back, "I concur on that point! But XXXXX-kun will definitely pick me! I have faith in him!"

"Unfortunately, I have no intention of respecting his personal wishes. I shall take his power." Was the dull retort.

(Wait. In that case, why didn't you just go capture XXXXX right away, or am I the only one who can see that?)

"I won't let you! That's why I came from the future!"

Power Poses. Tinny Midi battle music.

Midori attacked with various "Dorya!"s, laser beams shooting out of her contact lenses. Nao waved a wand supposedly called Sterling Inferno, which released a lightning bolt of its own-

"Haruhi. Stop. The Cheese is killing me."

"Tch."

"But I think Haruhi's getting warm. I was thinking about Justice sorta like that… but needs more… something."

"More magical girls?"

Natsuki attempted to escape, only to find her limbs immobilized by rotating gold rings.

"A bind!?"

Above her she saw Mai, arm held high above her head while another mechanical magatama encircled her wrist.

"Let's see you take this variation to my Divine Buster."

Threads of disused orange magic returned to each other underneath Mai.

"Kagutsuchi…. BREAKER!"

Mai slammed her fist into the waiting sphere of magic. It shrunk in size for just a moment before a massive tongue of flame exploded downwards, completely swamping Natsuki and continuing on into the surface of the ocean, throwing water meters up…

"…That doesn't sound right."

"Not really."

"Not at all."

"Though you have to admit, whenever she goes 'Load Silver Cartridge!', that's pretty sweet."

"You obviously haven't had one shot at you, Person…"

Mulled silence. The night wore on for a total of five seconds.

"I've noticed, those three girls?"

"Which three?"

"I get all sorts of Noir-ish vibes from those three."

"Which three!?"

(Nao attacks Shizuru)

(Natsuki counters with Dessert Fork)

(Nao's attack fails. Nao receives 9999 Damage on counter)

(Nao is defeated. Natsuki receives 871 EXP. Shizuru receives 524 EXP)

"Can we stop talking about her?"

"Which, the gunslinger girl?"

"No, the crazy one."

"The red-head?"

"She's just disgruntled. That… crazy one."

"…Oh! Her!"

"What, you don't like her, Colt?"

"Hell no. She scares me."

"What's so scary about her?"

"Hello!? Everything!? She's gay, she's mentally unhinged… have you heard that accent of hers? Is it even possible to have an accent like that? Plus she's always smiling… I mean, one day I'm gonna wake up and it's gonna be like-"

With a groan, Colt woke up where he should not have been.

Strapped to a chair with a machine wrapped about his face, something metal in between his teeth.

In a corner he could hear a voice played out on a tape recorder.

"Gokigenyou, Colt-san. The device you are wearing is connected to your upper and lower jaws. When the timer at the back goes off, your mouth will be ripped open. Let me show you."

At that moment, a shrill ring entered the air, and Colt saw a mannequin's head fitted with the same trap promptly explode.

"Ara, just think of it as a reverse bear trap!"

"Like that. She freaks me out. And she'd be drinking tea the entire time."

"I think we're losing sight of the objective here. What were we on?"

"Justice and Peace."

"Crime and Punishment?"

Nao rushed the SWAT officers with the hatchet she found embedded in a tree stump, and despite her injuries, ripped each and every one of them to shreds in glorious monotone colors.

As she held the last one, she mused cheerfully.

"That's a damn fine coat you have there-"

SCHLACK.

"No, not Crime and Punishment. Justice and Peace."

"Well, what do you want? Power Rangers or something?"

Midori threw out a fist, "Handsome Red!"

Natsuki slammed hers together, "Handsome Blue!"

Yukino twirled about, "Handsome Light Brown!"

Akane met her hands to her hips, "Handsome Dead!"

Shizuru stretched out on one leg, "Handsome Purple!"

Yukariko performed a back flip, "Handsome White Pearl!

Nao pirouetted, "Handsome Pink!"

Alyssa kicked out into the air, "Handsome Gold!"

"We are the Punishing Rangers: The Handsome Men!"

"Wow! Didyou-Did you see that!? A real Handsome Pose!"

"…That's IT! That's what we were looking for! Super Sentai!"

"What happened to Handsome Black?"

"He got killed off by Killer Dan in recent chapters."

"What!? Damn, he was my favorite!"

"But what about Mai and Mikoto and Akira and… yeah? You can't have a Sentai team without a ninja…"

"Hmm… Mai's got some super awesome looking summon, right? Like one that is actually worthy of the lead character?"

"Well it isn't a Bahamut, but…"

"We'll make her Green Ranger. You remember Green Ranger, Colt?"

"I don't watch kiddie shows."

"Well, yeah, but you are aware of an invention called the television, and on it they had the Power Rangers?"

"…Yes."

"Well Tommy was awesome when they introduced him. He had shoulder plates and everything. Plus he was a bad guy in the beginning before he converted. We'll just have Mai do that. Though, truth to tell I was always more particular to Samurai Pizza Cats…"

"Person! We still need a ninja!"

"Where would I put her, Haruhi? Where?"

"…Can't we have her like…Tuxedo Mask or something? Or even in an indirect role like Nagi?"

"I hate Nagi."

"You hate everyone, Colt… with… notable exceptions."

"Well, I still hate him."

Nagi rollicked back and forth, continually smacking Colt while chanting "Goodie Little Two-Shoes!" over and over.

A shotgun was planted in his confused face, before the boy went flipping backwards through the air following a blast.

"Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the gun."

Dragging the unconscious and unusually undead being, Colt proceeded to strap Nagi down, before procuring a chainsaw under the shining moonlight-

"Colt? Colt! You're phasing off here!"

"Oh? Sorry. Ninja as Kamen Rider, right."

"Next up, Mechas. Sentai teams need giant robots. Or at the very least a combinable weapon… you know how much I wanted that laser gun the Power Rangers had? Gugh!"

"I'd rather have that, honestly… somehow I get this feeling that something bad will happen if we tried combinable robots."

"A'ight…"

"So what we've got at the moment?"

"Red, Blue, Light Brown, Dead, Purple, White Pearl, Pink, Gold, an anti-heroic Green, Kamen Rider, and a combinable weapon. What you think it'd be like, Haruhi?"

"Ah, relying on my superior sense of innovation, Person?"

"You mean over actively overdosed…"

"Shut up, Colt!"

Person With Many Aliases Presents,

In Cooperation with Suzumiya Haruhi:

"Heroic Sentai Combat Waitresses of Linden Baum"

A My-(CRACKED)HiME Fiction

Highly Advanced Materializing Equipment property of the Colonial Space Marines

Indiscrete References are Just Your Imagination

Episode 587: "What do you mean, 'this is the Pilot episode'?" by Mai

Given that the sun was shining, you could assume that it was a beautiful day.

For those at Linden Baum, it merely meant that Lunch Hours were about to become a pain in the-

"NATSUKI! TABLE 5! MIDORI! 17! STAT!"

See? You couldn't even complete a sentence without someone shouting in your ear-

"Why the hell doesn't Alyssa do anything? Hell, where is everybody anyways!?"

"Shizuru's accounting, Akane's being lovesick, Nao's shirking again, everybody's off-shift, and Alyssa's the mascot."

"Sonova…"

Coincidentally blaring red alarm lights started to go off within Linden Baum. Midori rather loudly guffawed.

"WELL OH SNAP! IT LOOKS LIKE THE FIRE ALARMS ARE GOING OFF! EVERYBODY OUT!"

A random schmuck attempted to query, "You should really get those checked, it seems like they're going off every other week-"

"YOU DARE NOT QUESTION ME! OUT! NOW!"

As the possibly-restaurant quickly had its patrons file out, the waitresses (and/or mascot) jumped into an open oven, whose confines quickly disappeared to make way for some sort of chute. After taking some wicked turns down into the bowels of Linden Baum, the various waitresses fell through the exit side of the shaft, sans waitress uniform and plus some pretty damn tight jumpsuits. Color-coded of course.

Alyssa also got a dress. Public safety and all.

Meanwhile, other missing members began to drop in, whether or not it was in their daily itinerary. Yukino and Yukariko, not so much. Nao, and Akane, however…

"WHAT THE FUCK!? I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOWER!"

"I was busy with something, too!"

The local authoritative voice cut in with a deadpan, and an authoritative one at that, "We can all guess what it probably involved, Akane…"

At the far end of the room wherein the girls had entered, there lay a large oak desk, intercom, and various other knickknacks. The chair behind all that thus turned around, revealing a familiar girl and the fat cat that was lying in her lap, being contently stroked.

Midori raised an eyebrow, "Mashiro, is that you?"

"What were you expecting? A giant floating head in a tube?"

For some reason, the oldest Sentai member had been, in fact.

"Well, whatever. I just needed to inform you some punk's laying waste to the city. So chop-chop."

Midori thrust a fist into the air energetically, "Alright! HiME Sentai! Take off!"

Yukino's voice wavered from the back, "Um… how do we do that again?"

"Ah, that's the fun part!"

"HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!?"

"Ara, I think this will be quite an invigorating experience, Natsuki."

"We're about to be SHOT OUT OF A CANNON!"

Midori's voice cut in through the com, "HiME Sentai! LAUNCH!"

"Wait! I'm not ready-"

Meanwhile, deep in the city, people screamed and ran from a veritable and admittedly one-sided battlefield, civilians running from that dastardly evil psychic-

"Haruhi, if you cast me as a villain one more time, I'm going butcher you to pieces."

"Just admit that you enjoy the limelight, Colt. Plus, you're the only one with the attitude to match!"

"What attitude!?"

"Hello? Do you remember when we first met? What were the first words that came out of your mouth? 'I'm a psychic super-villain'?"

"That…. That… that doesn't count!"

"Fine, fine. I'll just use Devil Child here…"

Meanwhile, deep in the city, people screamed and ran from a veritable and admittedly one-sided battlefield, civilians running from that dastardly evil, pint-sized, redheaded Devil Child.

"I suppose in the end, there will always been something entertaining about humans running for their lives." Yuuki Darren shrugged, before commanding a vending machine to randomly explode, sending carbonated liquid and aluminum every which way. Just then, there was a shrill sound of something akin to a warhead falling out the sky. It was also simultaneously followed by terrified screaming. Yuuki peered up into the blue with vague interest, fixing her glasses before something exploded into the street ahead of her, sending dust into the air and sheaves of concrete plates jutting vertically.

"You! Foul villain! We shall not allow your evil deeds to come to fruition unhindered! HiME Sentai! Engage!"

Midori threw out a fist, "HiME Red!"

Natsuki slammed hers together, "HiME Blue!"

Yukino twirled about, "HiME Light Brown!"

Akane met her hands to her hips, "HiME Dead!"

Shizuru stretched out on one leg, "HiME Purple!"

Yukariko performed a back flip, "HiME White Pearl!

Nao pirouetted rather irritably, as usual, "Goddamnit… HiME Pink."

Alyssa kicked out into the air, "HiME Gold!"

The entire team thus posed in unison amidst the wreckage of their crash site, "Together we are… THE HIME SENTAI!"

Yuuki adjusted her glasses so that the sun reflected off the lens just right, before speaking, "Ah yes, you. Colt told me about his battles with you-

"FUCK YOU HARUHI!"

"-and I believe I have the perfect weapon for you."

Midori scoffed in a heroic way, "Ha! Try as you might, but you can't touch this!"

"Really?" Yuuki gave a bemused look before looking down the street behind her and beckoning, "Ray."

On command, a giant black robot burst out of the ground, shrieking as it waved its thick arm-like appendages and swished its tail experimentally around its stubby legs.

Yukino gasped, "That's…!"

Yuuki smiled "Yes. I control one of the last remaining Metal Gears in this world. Metal Gear Ray."

Levitating into the air, Yuuki made her way towards an opening hatch in head section of the massive machine. Inside, the young girl found herself calmly entrapped by thick harnesses and command consoles, HUDs warming to life about her, until a crystal clear image of the Sentai below her came before her.

"If I destroy you… my lord, The Obsidian Prince will surely look upon me with favor!"

Outside, the Metal Gear screeched.

"Sentai! Scramble!" Midori shouted, before the various girls leapt away from a giant stubby foot crashing into the ground. As per general tactics, the Sentai took it upon themselves to summon their Elements and proceed to launch all Holy Hell upon the black frame of the Metal Gear in hopes that Brute Force would work out somewhere. It unfortunately didn't, and Yuuki's war engine proceeded to open up it's armored face to reveal a giant array of laser weapons.

"Muda na!" The massive creature screamed for villain, before a thick cutting beams slashed across the battlefield, hoping to perforate, vivisect, and generally slash the Sentai to pieces.

"Our attacks aren't working!" HiME White Pearl gasped. Nao fought back her urge to groan.

"You friggin' figure?"

"HiME! WATCH OUT!"

The alert was for the series of hatches that were unsealing themselves along the Metal Gear's back, from which six large canisters flung themselves into the air. All of them hovered in the sky for infinitesimal seconds before they each broke apart into dozens of homing warheads that flew back towards the Sentai.

The streets disappeared.

As the plumes of flames started to die away into mere smoke, Natsuki gagged as she tried to fight her way through the smog with one of her guns, her other limb trying to help her face ward off the black fumes.

"Natsuki! Look out!"

HiME Blue decided to look up now. It was a regrettable decision, since all she could see was Metal Gear Ray baring down on her with its face open and it's razor edged beams charging.

"SHI NE!"

Cutting lasers smashed the concrete to pieces.

"NATSUKI!" Shizuru screamed. Then suddenly Natsuki found herself being carried out of the smoke at a rapid pace, her savoir a familiar face in a school-uniform.

"M-Mai!?"

The orange-headed girl looked down at her package with a sort of mischievous glee, before unceremoniously dropping her mid-flight, leaving Natsuki to tumble helplessly to a halt.

"That HURT!"

Mai just snorted as she spun to a halt in mid air, bringing her magic bangle encircled hands to her waist, "What am I? Your baby-sitter?"

Natsuki glared. Midori seemed to have no problem with the latest new face, gleefully calling out, "Hey! Mai! You came to help?"

"Well don't fool yourself into believing I was doing any of this for you. That girl just happened to attack while I finally had a chance to go shopping for once. Totally unforgivable."

"Another one? Fine!"

Metal Gear Ray's laser embedded face opened up again on Mai. Floating nimbly about the straight cutting lines that seared through the air, Mai retorted, flames growing in her hand.

"You! I have a bone to pick with you, BRAT! HYAGH!"

A blast of fire smashed into the robot's exposed weaponry, pouring smoke forth as it stumbled back drunkenly. Midori grinned.

"Ah-ha! A weakness! Time to do this properly! HiME Sentai! Weapon UNITE! Except you, Nao. You have to tie up its legs."

HiME Pink let off a stream of curses for a good five seconds before rushing forward toward the momentarily stunned machine, razor red wires flying out from her claws until a thick wrapping was taut against one knee large knee join. With a heavy pull, Metal Gear Ray tripped forward falling to one knee, it's ruined face advertising itself to be blasted to pieces.

Calling out a lengthy combination sequence, of which at this time I am honestly too tired to get through, the HiME Sentai various elements joined together to form a ridiculously shaped canon-bore, which fell into the hands of Alyssa at this point, showing her one sole purpose of actually being in the Sentai at all.

"Give 'er hell, Alyssa!"

"Hmmm."

"SUPRAH SHINY SPINNY ATTACK!"

A multi-colored cone of energy cut right through the head section of Metal Gear Ray, leaving a charred hole for a total of three seconds before the rest of the mech exploded spectacularly.

"You haven't seen the last of me, HiME Sentai!" An escape pod hollered irritably, as it haphazardly spiraled into the sky and disappearing in a wink of light.

The generally most enthusiastic ranger of the team leapt for joy, "YES! NATCH ANOTHER ONE FOR THE HIME SENTAI!"

"Whatever, I'm out of here."

"W-wait, Mai! We have to do our post-battle celebration."

"Does it have Karaoke?"

"Well, er…"

"Then no."

"Ara, I think we still have to go return to Linden Baum before something happens."

"Well crap."

And as the day's battle evaporated, one stood unnoticed by the Sentai, hidden as she was in the branches of a tree.

"Hnnn… Interesting. Looks like I need to observe them more…(What the hell? This is the only line I get in this thing?)"

Akira vanished.

"The End!"

"Ten out of Ten, Haruhi!"

"Sucks."

"An average performance, though my opinion is apt to change, given your rather… compelling interpretation of myself."

"W-Well! I don't need your opinion anyways, Devil Child!"

"AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

"Voila! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

If she were expecting some sort of encores, Miss Maria did not supply.

"Coral Sara Gallagher, you will get down from there immediately before you break your neck."

"…Yes'm…"