A Sirius Situation
Chapter 10
Hermione and her Allies
Author: Jelsemium
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, JK Rowling does
The Weasley siblings were enchanted with the bookshop. Ron wasn't much impressed with the books, but he took a shine to the oddments. The Muggle sporting equipment intrigued him. And he began throwing questions at Hermione and Uncle Badger about the cricket bats, footballs, hockey sticks and basketball hoops.
Ginny liked everything, including Uncle Badger. She competed with her brother for answers about the Muggle goods, such as the flashlights, the radios, office equipment and the battery operated toys. "Dad would love this stuff," she said. "We'll have to buy his Christmas present here."
"Excellent idea," Ron said. He rubbed his hands together and began looking around.
"I'll be happy to sell you children something for your father," Uncle Badger said with delight. He turned to Hermione. "And what can I sell you today, my lioness? I have some nice dragon skin gloves." He looked around. "They're around here somewhere," he muttered.
Hermione opened her mouth to decline the offer, and then had second thoughts. The gloves would actually come in handy. "I'll take a pair, if you have some that will fit me," she said. "If memory serves, gremlin bites can get infected very easily."
"That they do," Uncle Badger said. "Another thing you might find helpful is some Spirit Gum."
"What?" Hermione said. She blinked at Uncle Badger, suspecting that he was making a joke. Then she remembered that wizards had different meaning for some words. "Two people separated by a common language," she said. The spirit in wizarding spirit gum might have something to do with actual apparitions.
"Excuse me?" It was Uncle Badgers turn to be startled.
"I was just remembering something someone once said about America and England," Hermione murmured. "The same seems to apply to wizards and Muggles. In the Muggle world, spirit gum is a type of adhesive that Muggle actors use to keep their wigs and false beards on."
"Ah," Uncle Badger said in enlightened tones.
Ginny added, "In the wizarding world, Spirit Gum is used to temporarily detain, erm, beings of the ectoplasm persuasion."
Ron slapped the back of her head. "Spirits," he corrected.
Ginny slugged his arm. "It seemed a bit redundant to put it that way," she said defensively.
Hermione laughed. "Will the Spirit Gum actually work?" she asked.
"It depends a lot on the spirit," Uncle Badger said. "However, I have some of Professor Wicket's extra refined Spirit Gum. It's guaranteed to hinder even the most powerful ghosties, poltergeists, gremlins, hobyahs and even cipenapers."
"Guaranteed or what?" Hermione asked skeptically.
"Or your next-of-kin gets double your money back," Uncle Badger said gravely.
They stared at each other for a few minutes, and then Uncle Badger was forced to look away to attempt to hide his grin.
The Weasleys laughed.
"That's so reassuring," Hermione said ironically.
"There's an exception in the case of cipenapers," Uncle Badger added brightly. "If it doesn't work on them, then Professor Wicket will send you a chess set."
"A chess set?" Hermione's voice went up a notch.
"Of course," Uncle Badger shook his head. "I would have thought that a well read young witch such as yourself would know about cipenapers."
"Don't tell me that you've never read about cipenapers!" Ginny said in appalled tones.
"They're very fond of chess," Ron said somberly.
"I've never heard of them," Hermione said, wondering if she'd just forgotten something. "Why are they dangerous? Playing chess doesn't seem to warrant classifying them as dangerous spirits."
"Well, they're classified as spirits because they can pass through water the way ghosties can pass through walls," Uncle Badger explained.
"They like to grab witches and force them to work as drudges," Ron said.
"Without magic!" Ginny added.
"If you run afoul of them, you must not try magic on them," Uncle Badger said gravely. "Any spell you try to cast will simply rebound on you."
"You're only chance is to challenge them to some sort of contest," Ginny said. "But that's not much of a chance." She shook her head. "Besides, they don't always accept."
"They will usually go for the chess challenge, though," Ron said. "They love chess more than anything… more than food, more than gold, even more than hand-washed bedding!"
Hermione looked from one speaker to the other, wondering if she was the butt of some wizarding joke. They looked very serious (which in the Weasleys' case made her highly suspicious.)
"More than hand-washed bedding?" she repeated.
Ginny and Uncle Badger nodded. "Absolutely," Uncle Badger affirmed.
"That's why they kidnap human women," Ginny asserted. "They can't get their bedding clean enough."
"And if you don't get them clean, then…" Ron drew his thumb across his throat. "They're awfully fond of girl meat."
"Ewww!" Ginny said. She slugged Ron in the arm three times.
"Ow!" Ron said. He grabbed at her hand, but missed and Ginny hit him a fourth time.
"Don't get graphic," Ginny said. She easily evaded his slap. "Behave yourself of Mum will have you cleaning The Burrow without magic!"
Ron subsided with a grumble.
"What do these things look like?" Hermione asked, trying to put an end to the sibling slug fest.
"They're about three feet high," Ginny said, holding her hand approximately a meter off the ground. "They're covered with blue or green scales."
"Sort of like merfolk," Ron added. "But not nearly as nice."
"Nasty teeth," Uncle Badger added. "Worse than gremlins."
"No claws, though. They're fingers are covered with suckers, like the giant squid," Ron said.
"They're tricky," Ginny said dramatically. "I hear that they lure unwary travelers into their snares with a variety of ruses, like leaving gold coins lying in the road or by imitating the cry of a baby."
"How do you fight them?" Hermione asked.
"You can't," Uncle Badger said. "Like I said, they'll just throw back any spell you throw at them."
"You can't hurt them with physical weapons, either," Ron said. "They're like rubber. Anything you hit them with just bounces off."
"Does anything hurt them?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Well, biting does," Uncle Badger informed her. "But I've read that they taste terrible."
"They're scared of big dogs," Ginny said. She paused and rubbed the back of her head. "Come to think of it, so am I."
"I hope I'm with Snuffles if I ever meet any!" Hermione said fervently.
The other three were obviously fighting back smiles by then.
"But you can beat them if you challenge them to a chess game?" Hermione asked uncertainly. The expressions on the other three's faces had her almost convinced that they were pulling her leg. However, their demeanor, combined with the atmosphere of the shop, was giving her the willies.
"Well, maybe," Ron said. "We can't be absolutely positive, because nobody's ever actually won against them."
"They play three games," Uncle Badger said. "The winner of each game gets his choice of a prize or forfeit from the loser."
"They lose the first two games," Ron said. "Then…"
"They win the third game," Hermione said, remembering this from some of her books on folklore. The chess motif was actually fairly common in Celtic folklore, and her suspicions were rapidly becoming certainties.
"And then they have you," Ron said in sepulcher tones.
"So, nobody's ever escaped from these cipenapers?" Hermione asked.
"Nobody," Ginny said gravely.
The two wizards nodded in agreement.
Hermione crossed her arms and frowned. "If nobody's ever escaped them, then how do you know so much about them?" She asked sardonically. She tapped her foot and looked at one too solemn to be believed face to another.
The others broke into broad grins.
"Magic!" Uncle Badger said with a twinkle in his eye.
"The inner eye," Ron pronounced in misty tones that were eerily reminiscent of Madam Trelawney.
"Plus, the latest edition of The Quibbler!" Ginny pulled a copy of the magazine out from where she'd spotted it on Uncle Badger's counter.
The magazine had a lurid cover that seemed to be covered with glowing red eyes and dripping fangs. The cover captions read: "Who let the Crups Out?", "Sirius Black: Cereal Murderer or Does He Favor Toast?" and "Minister of Magic Denies Return of You-Know-Who and Claims that The-Boy-Who-Lived Actually Died Seven Years Ago."
"Lovely," Hermione said. She flipped through the magazine and found the article on cipenapers right after the article that claimed Sirius Black was actually a singer named "Stubby Boardman."
"I can't believe that anybody would publish this rubbish!" Hermione exclaimed. "Is the editor serious?"
"The editor is one Apollo Lovegood," Ron said. "He's nice enough, but he's got these weird ideas. He once told me that Muggles could revive their favorite dead musicians like this King Elvis, and that they put rockets underground." He shook his head. "Rockets are no good underground, even I know that!"
Before Hermione could enlighten him on the subject of underground missile silos, Ginny spoke up. "They're our closest wizarding neighbors, besides Diggorys," she said. "Luna's in my year, but she's in Ravenclaw." She frowned, for some reason she felt she'd just heard that sentence. Then she went on. "Luna's pretty dotty, but she was one of the few people who was willing to be friends with me after all the trouble I got into during my first year."
"The first year of Hogwarts is a difficult adjustment," Uncle Badger said kindly. "I got into quite a few fights, myself."
Without even exchanging looks, the three teens decided not to fill Uncle Badger in on the Basilisk and the Chamber of Secrets.
"Well, the magazine may have some useful information," Hermione said, a trifle doubtfully.
"Ah, you're a good sport, my little dandelion," Uncle Badger said.
Ron and Ginny almost choked when they heard one of Uncle Badger's nicknames for Hermione.
"I can give you the past year's worth of The Quibbler and Witch Weekly, just so you can learn all there is to know about the inner workings of a wizard's mind," Uncle Badger said.
"There are all sorts of useful spells in those magazines," Ginny said. "I learned the Bat-Bogey Hex from the Quibbler."
"I never know when you wizards are joking," Hermione complained. "You're as bad as the Weasleys, Uncle Badger."
"Why, thank you," Uncle Badger said with a small bow.
"That wasn't exactly meant as a compliment," Hermione muttered.
Ron and Ginny grinned wickedly.
"We're probably related, somehow," Ron said, gesturing between Uncle Badger, Ginny and himself. "Most wizards are."
"Don't tell Harry, but I understand that the Blacks and the Malfoys are cousins," Ginny added.
Hermione shuddered. "And I used to think that my cousins were bad eggs," she said. "Compared to the Malfoys, or the Dursleys, they're downright paragons."
She looked around the shop. "My mother wants me to be on better terms with them," she added. "I think I'll be visiting them at least once a year from now on."
Uncle Badger grinned. "Bring your friends, too," he said, nodding to the Weasleys. "They ought to liven up this old town."
"Suits me," Ron said. He wandered over to a glass case that Hermione had somehow overlooked. It was filled with gleaming swords and daggers.
"Don't even think about it," Ginny warned. "Mum will skin you alive if you try to take a sword through the Floo network."
Ron sighed.
"I can arrange…" Uncle Badger started.
Ginny shook her head at him, guessing he was going to offer to arrange shipment. She knew that her mother would not want a sword in the house.
Uncle Badger correctly interpreted her gesture and changed his comment in mid-breath. "… For a special book signing, if I know when you're coming." He liked these kids.
Besides, he'd give his left arm, what remained of his hair and half his storeroom to meet The Boy Who Lived. However, he couldn't say that; he didn't want the Gryffindors to think he was a celebrity hound.
Ron rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.
Ginny refrained from kicking him with great difficulty.
"You wouldn't invite Gilderoy Lockhart, I hope," Hermione said with a shudder.
"Last I heard Lockhart was still in St. Mungo's," Uncle Badger said. "I was thinking more along the lines of Kennilworthy Whisp."
Ron perked up at that.
It was Ginny's turn to roll her eyes.
Hermione had to think for a few minutes before she placed the name. "Author of Quidditch Through the Ages," she said after a few minutes. "Harry likes that book."
"So do I," Ron murmured. "Whisp's written a lot of good books."
Hermione shrugged. "Come to think of it, Harry would like just about any book on Quidditch." She made a face and added to Uncle Badger, "Of course, the only time Ron and Harry like to read is when they should be working on Potions essays."
"As opposed to you, who only likes to read when you are conscious," Ron said.
Ginny did kick him for that.
"What? It's true," Ron protested.
Hermione giggled. "He's got a point," she said, nodding sagely. "Although I am working on a method that will allow me to read while I'm asleep."
Ginny restrained herself from kicking Hermione with some difficulty.
"Kennilworthy is quite an entertaining speaker, and I'm sure those friends of yours would enjoy meeting him," he said.
"Do you think Mr. Whisp come?" Hermione said. That sounded rude to her, as if she thought Uncle Badger wasn't important enough to rate a visit from Mr. Whisp, so she hastily amended her statement, "I mean, he's probably very busy."
Uncle Badger laughed. "Yes, well, it couldn't be when the Wanderers are playing. However, he's quite gracious about book signings, and my shop does have a good reputation in the wizarding world," he winked at her. "On top of that, if I told him that The Boy Who Lived was coming, do you think he'd say 'No'?"
The three teens exchanged looks.
"I'd think he'd be as keen to meet Harry as Harry is to meet him," Ginny said.
"Speaking of Harry," Hermione said. "His birthday is coming up. I need something special for him."
Ginny's eyes went wide and she whirled around, taking in the shop. "Good idea, I bet we could get something really wicked for him, here."