Hi guys. -cowers-
Seriously, I'm so ashamed for not updating for what...two years, now?
I won't go in-depth, but a lot has happened in the past two years, and I've probably lost some of the humour that made you guys laugh back then.
I've probably lost about 95 (100, really) of my reviewers, and for good reason, too.
I've been really unreliable with my updating. ;; Really, really, really unreliable.
I'm not going to make any false promises about updating anymore, and saying I'll try seems sort of pointless.
But anyway. Next chapter. Ho geez.
If I could make this font supersized, I'd totally make it cover up the entire page. Sorrrrry. ;-;
-puts "Nobody Wants To Be Lonely" into disclaimer CD sadly and then stabs herself with a plastic fork-

"Well then," Link said to himself. "I guess I'm alone, and vulnerable, and scared, and…Navi, can you please come back now."

And then he waited anxiously for the next ten minutes for Navi to come swooping back in and swat him on the head, scowling.

"I GUESS I SHOULD GET ANOTHER FAIRY, THEN," Link yelled loudly. "HELLO? IS THIS THE FAIRY AGENCY? YES, I'M REQUESTING ANOTHER FAIRY…MY FORMER FAIRY WAS SO IRRESPONSIBLE AND-"

Link faltered at the silence. A couple of lava bubbles popped, almost out of pity.

Had Navi really left him?

For real?

Link cautiously took a few steps forward down the path, counting each time his foot hit the ground.

"…10 steps," he breathed incredulously. "10 steps without Navi bickering in my ear."

And then he plopped himself into a comfortable sitting position, jamming a finger into his ear and yawning. "Wow, I could really get used to this!"

Suddenly, a thought ran through Link's vacant mind.

What…what if…the clown came back? What if, heaven forbid, Navi wasn't there to take the blow for him?

"Well," he reasoned. "She couldn't have gone very far. Navi wasn't very athletic anyway. I'll catch up to her later."

Kokiri Forest

"I hate his guts," Navi muttered, zipping through the forest with the speed and danger equivalent to a falling guillotine. "Just hate his putrid, disgusting, guts."

A tree came into Navi's path suddenly, too soon for her to swerve, and Navi growled angrily, flying right through it, leaving a fairy-sized hole in the trunk, wings and all.

"Ted?" the tree next to him said. "Ted, are you alright?"

"I just got a flipping hole in my trunk, you idiot! What do you think?"

The tree frowned and then leaned back, making a disdainful face. "Well, it's not my fault someone didn't get enough nutritious soil in their diet."

"…like you did! Your bark's like paper!"

"Construction paper," he said smugly. "Construction paper."

Navi spat out some remnants of bark. She vaguely resembled a flaming baseball. Something on fire, anyway.

One unfortunate Kokiri managed to figure out it was really Navi, not a flaming baseball, and waved hi, inquiring where her partner was.

Navi stopped moving, slowly turning with a death glare.

"Do you think," she said, her voice dangerously low, "that my existence is limited to helping my partner? That I do not have any other purpose than to make sure he's okay, make sure that he succeeds, while I get stuck with the dirty work?"

The Kokiri hastily shrank back into her treehouse, knocking over a lantern. "N-no, Navi!"

The flames from the knocked over lantern licked the curtains and began to spread at a rapid rate, surrounding the Kokiri in a ring of fire.

"Good," Navi hissed. And then she paused for a brief moment, before flying back to her domain. "By the way, your house is on fire."

"O-ok-okay." The Kokiri stuttered. "No problem."

Within moments, the fire had managed to affect the surrounding six houses and it was starting to devour the forests nearby.

Navi flew out of the fire, all the while completely oblivious to the chaos she had started. The Kokiri were frantically trying to calm the flames, but to no avail.

"LINK!" she screeched loudly.

Fire Temple

Link looked up. "I swore I heard my name just then. Must've been someone from my fanclub."

Ironically enough, this was true; Navi was the only member (forced)-besides himself and the Goron named after himself, in the club.

Link brushed himself off and then stretched. "Well, I guess Navi's not coming back .It must've been thirty minutes or something already."

All of a sudden, he heard a strangled Goron cry. "Oh, hey! I'm going to go save someone. Without…Navi."

Link headed over to the source of the sound, all the while deep in thought. It just wasn't as fun rescuing someone without another companion to take all the glory from. And suddenly, he knew the solution to his problems.

As Link stepped on the switch, the Goron, who was a blubbering mess on the floor, rushed out, beaming.

"Thank you so much, sir!" he said appreciatively. "I am indebted to you."

Link smiled evilly, and the Goron looked back at his previous jail, wondering whether it was too late to turn back.

"Well, you see," Link said thoughtfully. "I'm looking for a sidekick. I need one I can boss around, bully, get answers from, kick when they're down, take the glory from, have high expectations for, insult freely… "

The Goron headed back into the barred room and then dragged the door back into its original place.

"Hey wait," Link said, irritated. "I'm not done. And why'd you go back?"

"Can you tell the next guy who comes in here that I'm on the second floor and waiting for someone to rescue me? Thanks."

The Goron settled back into a corner, snoozing.

Link was at a loss for words. He had been turned down. And not just turned down by any ordinary Goron-he had been turned down by an imprisoned Goron.

"Hey, dude!" Link said. The Goron continued to ignore him, and Link slipped off his boot and managed to fling it through the bars, hitting him.

"What," he grumbled, scratching his back. "I already told you, I don't want to be your sidekick. Who in their right mind would?"

Link's ego could take no more, and he slumped to the floor, bursting out into tears. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-"

"…um. Sorry?" The Goron offered, uneasy. "You can have the key in this treasure chest, I guess. Not like there's any doors to unlock until the eastern part of the third floor."

"Thanks," Link mumbled, blowing his nose. "You sound like a subtle riddle designed to help me through this dungeon, but thanks anyway."

The Goron slipped the key into Link's shoe and then passed it through the bars.

"By the way," he said as Link put his shoe back on. "Your boot really smells."

"THAT'S JUST LIKE WHAT NAVI WOULD SAY," Link bawled, falling back onto the floor and beating his fists at the ground like a toddler. "NAVIIIII!"

The Goron stared, dumbfounded. Sighing, he settled back into his corner, trying to shut out the wailing Hylian outside. He was howling about some Navi thing offering him mint spray for his feet.

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO CRY," he bellowed. "AT LEAST TAKE IT TO THE DRAGON. AT LEAST HE CAN EAT YOU AND SHUT YOU UP."

Link paused fearfully. "Dragon?"

"Yes, dragon," the Goron said, exasperated. "Honestly, you're like a child. The dragon is called Volvagia, and that's the reason why I'm locked up in here in the first place."

"Oh yeah, now I remember! Navi and I were supposed to kill it…right? Or was it Darunia…"

At this, the Goron began to roll on the floor, crying tears due to his laughter. "ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU…YOU WERE GONNA KILL…AHA…AHAHAHA!"

"…what," Link said, embarrassed. "…what's wrong with being ambitious?"

"MORE LIKE STUPID," the Goron began to choke on his laughter, gasping for air. "HOW COULD YOU EVER HOPE TO DEFEAT VOLVAGIA?"

"We were supposed to use a hammer," Link said, scratching his head. "But I was thinking, hey, if you can use a hammer, why not just use an exacto knife or something?"

The Goron's remaining composure cracked, and he gagged as he continued to roll around, trying to breathe.

Link reddened. "Hey, I DON'T NEED THIS TYPE OF NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. KAY?"

The Goron drew one last, hoarse, rocky breath, and then his head rolled into an awkward position, resting on his left shoulder.

"He's dead," Link said, disbelieving.

And then a wide smile grew across his face. "I ALWAYS KNEW I COULD MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH TO DEATH! A HERO FIRST, A COMEDIAN SECOND!"

"Or maybe a comedian first, and a hero second, seeing as you just killed someone," a voice said grimly.

"Navi…?" Link turned his head and spotted his familiar fairy friend. "Navi!!! You came back!"

Make a run for it, buddy, you're a goner. A voice in his head said. If she came back willingly, she's probably hiding a butcher knife somewhere. If you're lucky. She might make use of the lava surrounding you.

Holy smokes, Link thought. I'm getting advice from someone in my head! MAYBE NAVI TOOK OVER MY HEAD TOO?

The voice fell silent.

A bead of sweat rolled down Link's forehead. Cautiously, he took a few steps back. "Navi…?"

"It's okay, Link, I'm not mad at you." She said wearily, floating to his side.

What's going on, Link thought. Even under normal circumstances she would have just socked me in the stomach as hello.

"For real?" Link said, his tone lightening with glee and wonder. "Seriously?"

She smiled. "Yes, Link. Let's get going, shall we?"

Link frowned. "I'm not s'posed to go with strangers. Navi said."

Navi beamed contently at him like he was a precocious six year old. "That's right! No strangers! But I'm Navi, remember?"

"No…no you're not. Navi would have tried to killed me already, or uttered some death threats." Link said resolutely. "Navi made 83 attempts on my life in the Forest Temple and she promised me that she'd break it in the Fire Temple. It's only been 50. Navi doesn't like wasting time."

She stared disbelievingly. He remembered?

"Okay," she said. "Okay, I've had enough. If you walk with me out of this room so we can make some progress, for once, then I'll tell you why I came back. Okay?"

Link stared suspiciously. "Why aren't you even offering me candy? Navi told me strangers offer candy. You're a greedy stranger. That's even worse!"

"I'm very, very close to pushing you off this ledge," Navi threatened through gritted teeth.

"Navi!!" Link cried out in joy. "You're back! What took you so long! I had to go look for a new sidekick, and then he ended up dying. (of course he accepted my request, though)."

And then he paused. "Wait. Did you become like, a schizo?"

Link backed up several steps. "If you're a schizo, Navi, I don't think we can be partners anymore. I hear they're infectious, and prone to mood swings."

Navi couldn't believe the irony.

"Of course not, you idiot! I just thought I'd take a new approach so we can actually work together for once, but forget it! You're impossible!"

And then she fluttered over to the exit. "Okay, come on. Let's go."

Link, overjoyed, complied. "It's okay, Navi, he wasn't a very good acting replacement for you any who. It wasn't anything permanent. Don't be jealous."

At the exit, she furrowed her brows. "Wait, you tried to get a new sidekick??"

I'm a sidekick? Navi thought distastefully as they left the room with Link's silver key.

"Yeah," Link answered casually. "Also, why'd you come back?"

"Let's just put it this way," Navi said reluctantly. "It's…er…part of my contract. I'm allowed 30 minutes of cool-off time, and then I have to come back."

"Oh."

In reality, fairies did not have cool-off time. They were expected to remain with their partner at all times. Navi had found herself in a very uncomfortable situation back in Kokiri Forest, and decided it was much better with Link than under the spotlight.

Kokiri Forest

"The suspect then ignored my polite hello and proceeded to knock over every lantern in sight, all the while cursing Kokiri Forest and her partner Link," the witness said, sounding pitiful and tired. There were sympathetic titters in the crowd.

"Terrible," they whispered. "Poor Link."

"He has to live with her and her angry tantrums? My heart goes out to him."

"What a terrible fate for him to have to live with her all the time! It's only a matter of time before he goes mad with her presence!"

"She could've killed him several times, the poor soul!"

Navi, meanwhile, was called to the stand.

They repeated her name several times, but nobody came forward.

The Kokiri on guard stumbled into the courtroom with a black eye and a bleeding lip.

"The prisoner escaped!" he said. "She beat me with her dinner tray and promised she'd save Hyrule in exchange for all this! This is an outrage! We must go after her now!"

"…well you know," the judge said uncomfortably. "If she's going to save Hyrule, we might as well just let her be, right?"

"Yeah…I mean, who else is going to do it?"

"Link can put up with her."