NOTE:
This collection of fics was originally posted on my lj as part of my Pick a Fic: Round II, in which posters could pick a plot bunny and prompt for me to write. The response was… more than I expected. None of these one-shots is connected to the previous in any way (except for Regarding Hair as a short follow-up to Love & War), and I experimented with different styles and tones throughout. I don't think it worked out too well, but... I don't think it particularly bothers me anymore either.

Fourth Rate Romance
astarvingwriter

Standard Disclaimer Applies
Author's Plea: Originally as part of Pick a Fic: Round II on my lj for the prompts picked by maddyriddle:
Bunny #7 Narcissa can only have her marriage annulled if Lucius dies or commits adultery. While attempting to kill him, the adultery unintentionally occurs. with Prompt 079. When? With Bunny #62 Someone has hired a hitman to kill Lucius (Mr. Borgin? Snape? Percy?). Hermione gets caught up in Lucius' attempts to keep safe (human shield?), thrown in for good measure.
As always, enjoy if you can.

Hermione had never had a particularly peaceful life. Her childhood had been filled first with bullies and resulting uncontrolled displays of magic, then magical bullies and resulting controlled hexes. As a teen, she had participated in a war and been subject to all that war entailed. She had also been friends for over a decade with two of the most cursed boys in all of existence and therefore consistently found herself involved in some scandal or another.

However, she would have proudly acknowledged that she had never, before this day, stooped to hiding behind the rotting remains of a horse with Lucius Malfoy.

"What in Merlin's name is happening?!"

"I thought that much was obvious. There is an assassin just behind those buildings with his wand trained on whoever leaves this despicable shelter."

"And why is there an assassin just behind those buildings? The war has been over for years!"

"War has no business here. This is personal."

"Why would anyone want to kill me?"

"Though I can think of many reasons, you still think too much of yourself. The assassin wishes to kill me."

"You? Are you certain?"

"Of course."

"In that case--" She had no sooner lifted her bushy hair over the safety of the horse's carcass than a curse that looked particularly vicious singed the top.

"It appears the assassin cares little for who he harms in his efforts to kill me."

"Why does he wish to kill you? Besides the obvious, of course."

"My wife has taken it in mind that she prefers the company of Severus to my own."

"And…?"

"Our marriage was specific and subject to a Vow. She can only have the marriage annulled under two circumstances: adultery or death."

"You couldn't just cheat on her and have it done with?"

"I hardly expected she would take such drastic measures. However, I suspect she is working against time now. If she has already… engaged in intercourse with Severus, she has but the week to rid herself of our marriage before the Vow takes effect and punishes her."

"You are both absolutely crazy. How long do we have?"

"When does her punishment take effect? It hardly matters. If she was smart, she put the assassin under a Vow as well."

"What kind of Vow?"

"Most probably to continue his efforts to kill me until the marriage is annulled. To him, it's only a matter of when."

"Then go shag someone! Get it over with!"

"And how, Miss Granger, do you suppose I do such a thing with an assassin following me?"

"Apparate. Now. Leave, and leave me alone. I will delay him long enough for you to escape, but I refuse to become anymore involved in this ridiculous plot."

"I can hardly be faulted for your poor timing."

"Go!"

"I cannot."

"And why not?"

"Anti-Apparition wards, you foolish Mudblood. Or hadn't you noticed?"

"But… when?"

"During your insipid speech. Now, any other brilliant ideas?"

Her cheeks burned red with fury. Combined with her mantle of uncontrolled hair and the decided grip on her wand, she looked the very picture of the warrior maiden. It took an effort to look away from her, especially when he knew the only other object to look at was the dead horse in front of them. Still, he managed.

"I survived the battle of Hogsmeade," the young woman stated with solemn conviction. "I refuse to die now, because of your foolishness, behind a dead horse. Simply not going to happen."

And with a flash of insane bravery, the witch leapt in front of the animal as she fired spell after spell. Once it appeared she was winning, he dared to join her. After all, he was hardly as foolish.

"I think he has retreated. For now. Care to Apparate us out of here? I don't believe I can manage."

He merely watched as his 'protector' fell in an unconscious heap to the ground. Assuming she'd been hit at least partially by at least one of the assassin's spells, he found himself in the odd and uncomfortable situation of feeling guilty. It was unsettling. Thus, he spared little thought when he picked her up with sneer and Apparated them away.

"Is he dead yet?"

"No, Madam. However, I have reason to believe our contract will be fulfilled soon."

"How so?"

"A young witch was involved in the latest attempt. She fought at his side and was injured."

"And?"

"When I checked the scene, they were both gone. I can only assume he took her with him."

The Madam was silent as she considered the circumstances. He could only wait.

"Was she attractive?"

"In a way, Madam. Her hair was a mess, but her figure was pleasant."

The Madam frowned.

"No, that will not do. You will simply have to kill him. Go. Do what I have paid you to do."

He saved his disappointed sigh until after he Apparated away. Clients never listened.

She woke to the feeling of a sharp object poking her ribs. Her vision finally cleared enough to find Lucius Malfoy and his ridiculously flashy wand above her.

She was not amused.

"Are you quite through?"

"Are you quite awake?"

"I thought that much was obvious."

He frowned and that was just enough incentive for her to slowly raise herself from the bed. It only occurred to her as she felt the texture of the blankets beneath her that it was a rather nice bed.

"Where are we?"

"The Leaky Cauldron."

"I find that doubtful."

"You have obviously never asked for suite 42."

"What difference would that make?"

"I thought that was obvious. The quality is almost passable. We were in luck. Usually this suite is reserved for those who have just been wed."

She stared at him blankly before falling back on the bed.

"Dear Merlin, I am in the honeymoon suite with Lucius Malfoy. Rubbish. My life is rubbish."

"I daresay this is the only noteworthy event in your pitiful life that cannot be called rubbish."

"Would you please be quiet? I am trying to think of a way out of this mess."

"By all means, think all you wish. However, I would be gracious if you would please use your newfound powers of movement and leave my presence. You are hardly wanted."

She looked affronted and more than a little angry. With a huff, she threw herself off the bed, straightened her robes with a few harsh pulls, and, with a menacing frown, reached for the door to the suite.

No sooner had she opened it than a curse hit the frame. She closed it quickly thereafter.

"Bother! He's found us already."

They quickly and efficiently warded the door against intrusion. Once all was set, and they were settled in for the assault, he joined her at the peephole to chance a look at their opponent.

"The room across the hall," he whispered.

"So I saw," she responded with a slight breath into his ear. It was distracting.

"How do you suppose we escape?"

"I don't know yet. He's already fallen victim to the direct assault, so he's probably prepared for that. Something different this time."

Yes, she was definitely distracting.

"In the meantime…"

"Strategy? Or you could explain to me exactly how you managed to get out of prison."

"You would need Veritaserum."

"I used my last yesterday."

"Really."

"I am hardly the only person to keep it on hand."

"Of course not. But do tell how you came to use the last bit."

"A supplier was attempting to cheat me."

"Good use."

"I thought so."

"Not a Ministry approved use, no doubt."

"Of course not. They are far too silly."

How he came to be grinning at her, he did not know. How he came to be so close to her, he also did not know. All he did know was that she was looking particularly attractive, especially as she discussed her questionable business practices. It was more than a little enticing.

"Who was the supplier?"

"Garbins."

"No one would fault you then. No doubt trying to supply third rate merchandise for double the cost."

"Fourth rate for triple."

"Ah. He must be more lenient with Dark merchandise."

"Or mistook me for a fool."

"He will do no such thing in the future, no doubt."

"No doubt at all."

They could only stare at each other with a certain kind of anticipation. When the door pounded with the force of an explosion, it provided all the catalyst needed to provoke them to the next logical step. As frantic as the snogging was, the shagging against the trembling door was even more so. They hardly bothered removing clothing. Nearby patrons could only mistake the sounds as more spells cast by the assassin.

Only the assassin knew better. He sent one last spell at the door for good measure before retreating. After all, his job was done.

It had only ever been a question of when. It didn't really matter how.