Fan Fiction: "Dating For Dummies"
A/N: How long has it been since I've last updated… (Counts fingers) I really don't know but it must have been long. Sorry it's just…I have no excuses. Well if you count the writer's block nagging at me for the past few months. WOOT!
Disclaimer: Hi, owning Naruto is bad. I don't own Naruto so I'm not bad. End of story.
Tip: Akimichi Choji
Akimichi, Choji:
A seventeen year old tub of lard on Asuma Team 10, name in literal translation means "Butterfly" (That has got to be the MOST contradicting name I have EVER heard in my life!)…
Snort.
"Kakashi-san is that you?"
He's considered "pleasingly plump" (…FAT!), most descriptive feature is the spirals on his cheeks (FAT!), uses special pills to increase size and mass (…REALLY FAT!)…
"Hm…I smell something…"
Stomp.
Seeks a nice juicy, grease-dripping, lip-smacking, hot-of-the-grill, finger-licking goodness in the form of…BEEF! (Personally I see him with a little pork, maybe some lamb, OH! CHICKE-)-
"Hey, HEY! You with the pudgy atmosphere! Fetch the hamburger."
Stare.
"What the…Kakashi-san, I said I smelled something gross."
Look down…
"Oh…"
Ewwwwwwwww…
Rule number seven of Kakashi's furry pink lovey-dovey diary-uh…Man Journal:
Girls are PHAT, not FAT!
Hatake Kakashi was never scared in his life.
Well…actually scratch that out.
Hatake Kakashi was never scared as much as he was in his life.
To be honest, he never encountered such a frightful scene in his entire career. Worse than the dead bodies, the stench of blood, the wet droplets of sweat mixed with crimson and dirt gritting through his nails…
Hell Orochimaru PALED in comparison to the young woman in front of him.
He gave a nervous chuckle and inched his way slowly back. He was innocent, for Godaime's sake.
Keyword: I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T.
Kakashi counted off the options in his calculating and obviously perverted mind.
He could distract her using an ingenious disguise of a duck with a clone and run.
He could run like hell was biting his ankles.
Take the beating.
Or his possibly favorite…Use the dreaded pouty-secret-Icha-Icha-Paradise-look-of-ultimate-cuteness-and-DOOM! Sparkly stars and glitter included.
Think.
Kakashi tapped his chin, he liked the cutesy look BUT…he just wanted to be a duck so bad…He barely registered the thunderous crack of a certain person's fists.
"Ka-ka-shi!"
Freeze.
Kakashi shrunk slightly at her dark tone and waved his hands, "Now, let's not be rash-"
"RASH…I'll show you rash! Hatake Kakashi, I'll make sure you'll never be able to impregnate a woman EVER!"
"KURENAI-!"
Bang.
Smack.
Boom.
Fist of DOOM!
You people are probably wondering why Kurenai-sensei is so…erm-tempermental.
You see dear readers; it's a long stor-
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T ASK ME!"
Cough- Um right, back to the story…It all started the day before when Kakashi told his happy, cheerful, wouldn't EVER hurt the perverted jounin team some important information.
Yesterday…
"Huh."
Kakashi patted the pink-haired girl gently on the head, "You heard me. The Godaime is hosting a big party for the celebration of the new jounin exams."
"So let me get this straight, "Sasuke glared at Kakashi incredulously, "the Godaime is hosting a party for the new JOUNIN EXAMS?"
Blink.
"Uh-YUP!"
A happy small teeny bubble burst in Kakashi's chest at the thought of his little munchkins- I mean his team dancing under little paper lanterns with little kimonos and little sandals to step on each others' feet…
"That's stupid."
POP!
Down goes the happy sugar-induced bubble into the fiery pit that is Sasuke's insensitive mouth.
"Mou Sasuke-kun that was insensitive!"
See what I mean.
Surprisingly Naruto hadn't opened his little peeper in awhile…
"WHAT?" A blond head shot up and slammed the Uchiha in the chin.
Right…Anyway back to our loveable ice cube.
"You…NOW look what you done!" the great and almighty Sasuke pointed to his face as blood dribbled down from his mouth and chin.
Naruto gave a small moment to assess what happened. He, being innocent and utterly fluff-able, had fallen over when their sensei had shown up miraculously and a bit freakily early.
He by "accidentally" bumped the young heir in the chin with his head.
Ok, ok so it wasn't a bump! More like a forceful smash in the face…
BUT he was entirely innocent thus why he said this:
"I honestly don't see any difference."
Oh yes, the Kyuubi container/next Hokage was indeed screwed…Very screwed…VERY, very screwed, screwed to-
"ALRIGHT! We get the point!"
Cough.
Whatever…back to the story…
The red-eyed Terminator was ready to give Naruto a piece of his revenge/angst mind when…
Smack!
A scroll shot through the air like a bullet and "landed" smack-dab in the middle of Sasuke's face.
Needless to say, Sasuke wasn't the happiest camper in a trailer park full of marshmallows and pixie sticks.
"I swear if ONE MORE THING hits me I'm going to-"
KA-POWWIE!
Sakura shook the Uchiha furiously as his head lolled from side to side, "Sasuke-kun!"
"Hey, hey what are these scrolls!" Naruto waved the two previously flying projectiles around.
"Put those down you idiot! You don't know where they came from!" Sakura swung a fist ready to collide with Naruto's head.
"Sure I do."
Sakura blinked at him and lowered her fist, "You do?"
Grin.
"They come from mommy and daddy scrolls!"
Silence…
Bam!
"You idiot!"
"OW! Sakura-chan!"
Kakashi sighed and took the two scrolls, "Sasuke, you open them."
Sasuke, who recently woken up, caught them with ease.
The two seven yea- I mean seventeen year olds stopped their bickering and crowded the Uchiha.
Sweat dabbed the young avenger's brow. If you're thinking he's nervous because currently in his possession are two unknown scrolls that could possibly contain the world's doom then you're absolutely…WRONG.
In fact, a certain someone was pressing a little too close to him.
And if you think its Naruto, go die in a ditch.
Sakura was pressed against the Uchiha's right arm and side. He could feel the muscles under soft silky skin. This didn't help since she was breathing ever so slowly onto his neck and ear…
Whoosh.
Three pairs of eyes stared stock-still at the unfurled piece of parchment in front of them.
"Made in Mist Country." Naruto furrowed his eyebrows.
"You dobe! READ above that!"
Sakura pointed to the small text, "It's an invitation: You have been cordially invited to Konoha's first annual Spring Fling on July the First. This dance is to welcome the new participants of the Jounin Exam and the full blossoming of spring including the beginning of the summer. Dressing is formal and a date is to be present. Sincerely the Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village, Tsunade."
"Wait, hold up. What day is today?" Naruto glanced at Kakashi.
"Sunny."
"No I mean like is it Friday or Monday?"
"I do believe it's the day before tomorrow and the day after yesterday."
Twitch.
"I'm well aware of that. But what day is today?"
Kakashi tilted his head.
"Um…"
Naruto moved his hand to encourage his sensei, "Yeah…"
"I don't know."
"You. Don't. Know."
"Well you see being lost on the path of life; one gets very confused with the dates."
"Will you guys just SHUT UP?" Sasuke slammed his hand on the wooden flooring of the bridge.
Naruto stomped his foot loudly, "You think you're so smart, teme!"
Sasuke stood up, "That's because, dobe, I am."
In this corner, weighing 160 pounds and equipped with the blazing Sharingan is Uchiha Sasuke!
"Well! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!"
And in the other corner, weighing 162 pounds and packing one heck of a demonic punch is Uzumaki Naruto!
"What the-What kind of question is that?"
"You afraid, bastard?"
"Hell no."
And…FIGHT!
Ding-ding-ding!
"Answer the question then. Or are you too much of a…CHICKEN HEAD!"
"It's eight, stupid!"
(Um Lil-Fluffy-Chan here interrupting for a moment…You know that joke Naruto just asked, well I don't remember the answer as I unfortunately found out. So just play along, ok?)
Oh.
Damn. That Uchiha is a sly one that he is.
"Ok dobe, I got a question for you."
Naruto lowered himself to "Rocky" stance, "Bring it on, chicken head!"
Deep Breath…
"Why don't you get a flipping life you flipping piece of flipping crap; I hate your flipping guts, why don't you flipping annoy flipping someone else you flipping retard!"
Ding-ding-ding-ga-ling!
Winner is Uchiha Sasuke by verbal default!
"Well at least I don't act like a prick, you prick!" a finger pointed accusingly at the Uchiha survivor.
"Oh, tell me did you make that up yourself or did Iruka-sensei help you out like every time you have a problem!"
"What you say-"
SLAM!
Sakura slammed her fist into the bridge railing, "SHUT UP! Next time someone speaks I'm sending them to the emergency room A.S.A.P!"
Naruto squeaked and hid behind Kakashi while Sasuke quickly edged his way to the other side of the bridge.
"Now where was I…Oh yes, Sasuke, open the next scroll." Kakashi waved his hand at the solitary yellowing scroll on the bridge flooring.
Sasuke, who pretty much never left eye contact on Sakura, quickly bent over to retrieve it in a single swipe. Sakura and Naruto took their spots on either side of him and waited for the mysterious secrets to unfold. Silently they counted down…
Sasuke's fingers shook slightly.
'1…'
Sakura clenched her hands.
'2…'
A bead of sweat rolled down Naruto's face
'RAMEN!'
Whoosh.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT'S THAT!"
Konoha's very own lazy bum opened an eye, "How troublesome…"
"Sounded like it came from the bridge." Ino Yamanaka fluffed her blonde ponytail out.
Chomp.
A series of barbeque chips were stuffed into a mouth, "Isn't that where Sakura and her team meet?"
"Forehead girl? You bet." Ino strapped a kunai pouch on her leg.
Shikamaru Nara swung himself up from the grass, "This is such a waste of time."
"What was that, Shikamaru! How is spending time with your teammates a waste of TIME!" Ino waved her fist ready to collide it with someone's certain pineapple head.
While the two lovebirds-cough, cough bicker we return to our hero of this chapter…
Choji Akimichi opened another bag of barbeque chips, "Asuma-sensei what's this mission about?"
Asuma (or Smoker Dude, whichever way) blew a few clouds of smoke in the air, "Retrieval."
"Retrieval of what?" Shikamaru tried prying Ino's hands from his Chunnin jacket.
"Someone rich dude's pet, the name's Foo-Foo-Cuddly-Poo."
Sigh.
"Great…more waste of time."
Sasuke dropped the scroll as if poison was seeping through the paper and onto his skin. It unraveled more as it rolled towards Kakashi's feet.
Now you all are probably wondering…What's on that scroll? Well I could tell you BUT that just wouldn't be fun, now would it?
"Hey, hey! We should totally get this!" Naruto took out a green pen and a notebook shaped of a frog.
Are you tired of those weak and flimsy PYTHONS? Do you wish you had strong and utterly macho pythons like your next door neighbor? Well dream no more! For we have a solution for your problem! Python Deluxe will increase your python size by 5 inches. Yes you heard me, 5 INCHES! And for a limited time offer we'll include: a mini-tanning bed and a cool pair of sunglasses! This product is brought to you by, Snake-Ade…For all your serpentine needs! Warning: snake may feel prone to dance and singing karaoke…DRUNK. Advised not to take while your python may be pregnant…
Meanwhile in some trees somewhere stalking…
"NOOOOOOOO!" Orochimaru dramatically fell to his knees and screamed Darth Vader-like.
Kabuto patted his back, "Not to worry, we'll get Sasuke-kun next time."
Sob.
"But…but that was my ONLY coupon!"
Silence…
"Oi, Choji why'd you stop?" Shikamaru glanced back at the not-fat-because-he-says-so shinobi halted on a tree branch.
Asuma-sensei and Ino stopped as well to peer back at him.
Special Anime-Style Close-up!
"I sense…an ominous aura surrounding this very forest…" If it were possible Choji would narrow his eyes.
Whoosh!
A dramatic flair of wind flared Shikamaru's hair-pineapple…thing.
"Choji…"
The plump boy turned his head to face his best friend, "You feel it too, Shikamaru?"
"No, I was about to say…We. Have. NOT. LEFT. The. Village. YET."
"Oh."
Ino rolled her eyes and turned away, "What an idiot!"
Asuma threw his cancer stick to the ground, "You must be hungry, that's all."
Choji glared quite unnaturally at a few bushes on the side of the road, "Right…hungry…"
Golden eyes glinted maliciously, "So tubby has some tricks up his sleeve, eh?"
"Is it necessary to wear these, sir?" Kabuto fingered his long tan colored trench coat.
Orochimaru, who at the time was wearing a similar trench coat with bulky sunglasses and a wide-rim hat, gave Kabuto a distasteful look, "Honestly Kabuto, disguises are one of the key elements of stealth."
"But wouldn't it be better if we dressed as normal people, not a bunch of closet perverts?"
Orochimaru huffed, "Don't you know! THIS is the new trend!"
Stare.
"It is?"
"Yes my dear obviously-deprived-of-social-interaction boy, I got it from this book." Orochimaru flashed a familiar orange paperback book usually held by a familiar silver-haired shinobi…
Kabuto took a few seconds, "Sir, you do know what kind of book that is…right?"
The snake sannin flipped through the black and white pages, "It's a book with some spiffy new fashion trends!"
"No! It has NAKED girls in it!"
Blink.
"So…no new spiffy trends?"
"No."
Blink.
Orochimaru threw the book quickly, "EGAD! My poor, virgin EYES!"
"Ugh, what a creepy forest." Ino took a kunai and slashed through an offending vine in her way.
Shikamaru followed closely behind just so she wouldn't escape his line of view, "How troublesome, must you make so much noise?"
Glare.
"Shut it, Shikamaru!"
Asuma-sensei sighed before taking a long drag of his cigarette.
Seriously, didn't his students know how to shut their mouths…?
"Asuma-sensei! We've been out here for hours and not a sign of that stupid pet ANYWHERE!" Ino stomped through the overgrown forest floor.
I guess not.
"Fine, we'll set up camp. Choji get the water, Shikamaru and Ino get the firewood."
Choji grabbed the three water containers and his own, "And what are you going to do, sensei?"
"That's something for me to know, and you to never find out." Team 10 split up in time not to notice their sensei cuddling an orange and white plushy fish.
"I wuv you, Nemo. Yes I do!"
"I can't believe I'm stuck with you." Ino grumbled as she picked a random stick from the leafy ground.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Likewise."
Snort.
Ino who at the time was displaying her natural boar-ish-ness suddenly felt the firewood in her arms become increasingly lighter.
Blink.
Blue eyes watched her pineapple-headed teammate take her share of the wood and pack it heavily into his arms.
"Shikamaru…"
He glanced at her, "How troublesome…let's go back to Asuma-sensei."
Heat rose up in her cheeks but quickly disappeared, "Are you saying I'm WEAK!"
"No…I'm saying you're troublesome."
"SHI-KA-MA-RU!"
Choji watched several trees shake and birds flying from their recent perch. He stuffed a hand full of chips into his mouth. No doubt it was Ino and her "scary-psychopathic-lady-from-hell-and-other-bad-things" temper. As usual it was directed at Shikamaru.
Nothing new…same thing…
Choji finally reached the river and attempted to fill the four containers.
Little did our pudgy butterfly realize he was being watched very closely…
Meanwhile in a bush a few feet away…
"Ah ha! Our prey is unsuspecting of our ingenious plan!" Orochimaru clapped his hands and adjusted his trench coat.
"Sir, why are you still wearing that outfit?" Kabuto who had recently discarded his own coat and happily trashed it in a tree trunk was looking at his boss incredulously.
Orochimaru scowled, "If you must know I like this outfit thank you very much. It has great circulation!"
"You mean…You're NOT wearing anything UNDERNEATH!"
"Uh…no…Don't blame me! I found it in a magazine."
Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "A magazine?"
"Indeed! See it's called…Seventeen Magazine. It has all the new spiffy fashion trends, I checked!"
"Um…Sir, are you well aware that's a magazine for GIRLS?"
Unfortunately Orochimaru wasn't listening, "Say Kabuto which lip gloss would I look good in? Fuchsia-Passion-Fruit or Bubble-Gum-A-Licious? I find both of them delectable!"
Needless to say, Kabuto was mentally scarred…if that was possible.
Clip.
Our slightly plump friend pressed the caps to the bottles of water. Finally his work was done and Choji could practically taste the fish their sensei earlier caught that day. Almost humming and skipping out of character Choji made his way towards the path he came from.
Duh dum…
Choji's danger senses were tingling all over. Squinted eyes darted back and forth as he passed several bare trees.
Duh dum…
Now that he thought about it the little section of forest he was in was a bit…iffy. What with all the scary leaf-less trees, almost bare ground littered with miniature skulls, a dark foreboding sky filled with bloodsucking bats, and…was that a skeleton?
Hmmmmm…
Duh dum, duh dum, DUH DUM!
A tall black shadow encased Choji and was about to grab him when-
KA-BAM!
Orochimaru clutched his cheek and pointed accusingly at Choji, "How did you know I was behind you!"
"Duh, I heard your theme song."
"…Oh." Orochimaru grabbed his handy-dandy walkie-talkie.
"Kabuto, I told you NOT to put it so LOUD! Geez, can't a guy get a good theme song to add suspense!"
Choji inched his way towards the exit for he didn't recognize the snake sannin in front of him, "Uh…who are you?"
Orochimaru immediately jumped to his feet and flicked a flashlight on to add a dramatic effect, "You, the one with the fat! Join the dark side!"
Blink.
"What?"
"We have cookies." Orochimaru flickered the light in Choji's eyes.
Choji took a moment, "Alright, let me get my stuff and come back here."
Orochimaru grinned, "We'll be waiting!" And with that our hero for the day left with absolutely no intention of ever coming back.
Kabuto came out of hiding place, "I'm getting the feeling he's not coming back."
"Nonsense Kabuto he'll come back! He's too stupid…He fell effectively into our trap of DOOM!"
"You mean bribing him with cookies?"
Orochimaru triumphantly smiled, "Exactly! I mean, honestly who can say no to these cookies? It has mini snakes on them, see!"
"So we wait here?"
Orochimaru plopped to the ground, "Yes, won't be long now until my Sasuke-kun comes back to us."
"Choji! There you are! Where were you?" Ino stood up and placed her hands on her hips.
"Oh I just got lost on the way…FOOD!" Choji dropped the water bottles to the ground by the fire and grabbed his share of fish.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "How troublesome…"
Meanwhile with our two Sound shinobis…
"Any minute now…"
Kabuto sighed, "I told you he wouldn't come back."
"Oh shush! He'll co-Well what do you, a squirrel!"
"A what?"
"Hello Mr. Squirrel, aren't you the fluffiest cutest thing I ever did-AUGH! NO! Stay back! My EYES! ARGH! D-demon squirrel! DEMON SQUIRREL!"
"…!"
Sakura twirled her head, "Did you hear that?"
Sasuke glanced back and scoffed, "Let's go, Sakura."
Day 7 finished.
Operation Get-Sasuke-kun-Back in full throttle! (Copyright by Orochimaru and Snake-Ade.)
A/N: Randomness ENSUES! Got a little contest for you all…For the person who gets my 200th review I'll dedicate a special one-shot to them. You just give me the summary and plot and I'll write it! (I'll also do other pairings just no yaoi or yuri…I rather do SasuSaku.) Also special news! My little muse inside my head has been extra busy lately and I have great ideas for the next few chapters so be sure to watch for them!
The squirrels have RETURNED! Review or face their wrath!