Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"
Disclaimer: (Does a dance) Just because I finally reached 200 reviews doesn't mean I suddenly own Naruto. Cause I really don't…seriously.
Tip 8: Nara Shikamaru
Nara, Shikamaru:
A troublesome guy, who leads an equally troublesome life, finds piece of mind playing shougi (Booo-ring…), one of the smartest members of the Rookie 9 (Sakura's better!!)…
"Uh…Kakashi-san?"
Randomly-placed giggle.
This here practical man is part of the orange-fishy-loving squad called Team 10 (Or is it just Asuma who has the fetish?), his family is close friends with the Yamanaka's and Akimichi's, and shows no attraction to the female entity (One would think he's a little bendy me thinks…)
"What…How troublesome! Did you just call me gay?"
Skeptical glare…
In fact, he seems to spend more time with tubby instead of a certain blonde-haired female (Oh my…AFFAIR! Affair I say-)-
"Kakashi-san, is that Icha Icha Paradise Volume 13?!"
Look.
"WHERE?!"
BAM!!
Ow…tree…branch…ow…
Rule number eight in the Limited Edition of Kakashi's Guide to Suck-SPECIAL Dating tips:
Compliments, compliments: The Secret of Dating!
There were many things Nara Shikamaru would consider "troublesome"…missions being one of them.
Indoor plants also being high on his list. He just didn't get the reason why you would have a plant when you can go outside and have a tree.
…
Yeah I thought so.
He also thought fan girls were troublesome too. Just like Ino and her childish obsession with the dark-haired Uchiha. It just didn't make sense.
I mean seriously who would like a butt-head like him anyway…
Slap!
Shikamaru mentally slapped himself seeing as how he was too tired to do it physically.
"I can't believe I said butt-head…"
He mentally slammed his head continuously. Calling someone "butt-head" was so…so…troublesome.
Really.
Who says butt-head anyway?!
"Shikamaru, you BUTT-HEAD! Stop sleeping and get ready!!"
Oh.
Right…
Where were we?
"KABUTO! My fiendish sidekick, look what I have!" Orochimaru waved something small and compact in his arms.
Blink.
"Eh?" was Kabuto's genius reply.
Grin.
"It's…a LAPTOP!" Orochimaru almost slammed the hard object in Kabuto's face.
"Erm, what's it do?"
Orochimaru with his recently healed injuries from aka. "Demonic Squirrel" opened the laptop with flourish, "I'm glad you ask. This, my slave, will bring Sasuke-kun back to me!"
Poke.
Kabuto poked the black screen, "And how will this…thing…do that?"
"Watch and be amazed!"
Press.
Orochimaru pressed a random button.
Silence…
"Orochimaru-sama nothing hap-"
"Shush! Here it comes!"
Silence…
...Bop…
"BRILLANT!!!" Orochimaru cackled darkly.
Meanwhile ignoring Orochimaru's escapades…
Sigh.
Sakura placed her chin in the palm of her hand and watched the timid Hyuga heiress regard the two dresses in front of her with thought.
"Hinata, when I said shopping I meant going to other stores instead of the same one for the past two hours."
Pale eyes flickered shyly at the Godaime apprentice, "Ano…Sorry Sakura-san…"
Sigh.
"Don't worry Hinata; we still have," Sakura counted the days with her fingers, "six more days left to get ready."
"D-Do you think N-Naruto-kun would like this o-one?" Hinata held up a silky deep indigo dress with a flowing long skirt barely brushing the floor. The top was a halter top with thick ribbons trailing down a bare back.
Sakura took the price tag and immediately blanched at the amount of zeros in the number.
"Are you sure you can afford this, Hinata?"
Hinata placed the dress back in the rack and took a black gown possibly more expensive looking than the last, "The Hyuga family is paying for most of the expenses of the dance."
Sweat drop.
"In other words, your family is filthy rich."
Hinata blushed darkly and nodded.
"Where's your dress, Sakura-san?"
Sakura waved her hand nonchalantly, "I'm not going."
WOAH!
Rewind!
"I'm not going." Sakura's face was completely serious.
Darn…she's not kidding…
"H-how are you g-going to do that? I-it's mandatory."
"I'll just tell the Hokage to give me a mission or something. I am after all her apprentice. And besides…I really don't want to go…" Sakura emphasized on the word to prove her point.
Hinata watched the floor in disbelief, "O-Oh…"
Sakura looked at her watch, "OH! Look at the time! Sorry Hinata we'll shop later I have to go to the hospital!!"
DASH!
Blink…
Hinata stared at the empty space left by Sakura. Suddenly she clenched her fists and dashed out the door.
'Don't worry Sakura-san we'll find a date for you. Then you'll have to come to the dance!'
"OH! SASUKE!!! TAKE ME NOW!!" a fan girl leaped slow-mo in the air before slamming into the ground where the Uchiha once stood.
"GEEZ, teme, that's the 20th one this morning!" Naruto huffed and puffed down the street going WAY past the ninja speeding limit.
"Huff…No…Puff…Flipping…Wheeze…DUH…Pant…" The two shinobi sharply turned a corner.
"ZOMFG! SQUEE!!!! SASUKE!!!!"
Oh.
My.
God.
Thousands upon thousands of screaming fan girls squealed loudly.
Naruto grabbed Sasuke's overly-large collar, "DUUUUDDDE! What are we going to do?!?!?!"
Glance.
Sasuke quickly looked back at the fan girls silently creeping towards him.
Sweatdrop.
"DOBE! Stop it!!" Sasuke pushed the blond away.
Suddenly Naruto had an ingenious idea…
"Say teme I have a BRILLLANT idea…" Naruto whispered conspiratorially behind his hand.
'I got a bad feeling about this…'
"Asuma-sensei, what exactly is this pet we're looking for?" Ino stepped over a large root.
Puff.
He took the cancer stick-
Yes I said CANCER stick! EWWW! CANCER is the reason puppies are kicked and Teletubbies eat humans…
Cough.
Uh, right…
"Well like I said her name is Foo-Foo-Cuddly-Poo and she's an albino Arabian puff-tail Squirrel-"
Wait…
He did not just say what I think he said…
"A…squirrel…?"
Puff.
Asuma watched his team look incredulously at each other, "Didn't you know people sometimes have squirrels for pets?"
Scoff.
"For what reason, they're about as stealthy and useful as Ino here." Shikamaru put his hands behind his head and kept walking through the forest.
"GAH! SHI-KA-MA-RU!!! You are SO dead!!" Ino was about to give our lazy bum a whooping can of whoop…erm…donkey when…
"Ho, ho, ho, ho! Fear not!! Ho, ho, ho, ho!!"
Tap.
After countless pushing of buttons and randomly thrown curses our two villains finally started the contraption know as a laptop.
Dun.
Dun.
DUN!
"OH! Look my evil henchman of doom, GOGGLE!" Orochimaru pointed at the screen.
Blink.
"I think its Google, sir."
"Well that's just poppy-doodle-kins! I say call it GOGGLE, it sounds more ninja-ish."
"How are goggles ninja-ish?" Kabuto look at his master weirdly.
Giggle.
"For when I go into my bubble bath with Mr. Rubber Ducky here, silly."
Silence…
"You have a rubber duck?"
"Uh…No what gave you that idea…?"
PING!!!
Orochimaru quickly diverted Kabuto from his suspicions, "LOOK! Our problems are solved! I give you…FANFICTION!!"
"What's that?"
"Erm…well I'm not sure! So let's find out!"
Browse.
"OH! This looks promising! Look, Kabuto, my feathery fiend, a story about ME!" Orochimaru pressed a link that read:
'Rating: R, Category: Romance/Angst, Chapters: 2,278,937,474, Reviews: 0
Summary: Heyz yalz! This is Mi 1st fanfic so b3 nic3, kay?! Reviewz l0ts kay! Nooooooo F14m3rs!!'
"SASUKE, KISS ME!! YOU HUNK YOU!!" Naruto literally pounced on Sasuke.
Sasuke dodged barely before slamming his fist into Naruto's cranium. However the damage was already done…
A snotty blonde girl with pigtails and tight, tight, TIGHT jeans screamed bloody murder, "NO, LIKE, WAY! Sasuke is like wow like GAY!!!"
"SO LIKE OMIGOD!!"
"REALLY, LIKE, WOW!!"
Naruto rubbed his head and laughed awkwardly, "Maybe that wasn't the best plan of action eh, teme?"
"…"
"Teme?"
SHARINGAN!!
"OH GOD NO!! Not my SPLEEN!!! "
"Ho, ho, ho, ho!"
"Dude, Santa Claus!" Choji muffled through large handfuls of chips.
Bonk.
A girl hit Choji over the head, "I'm not Santa Claus!"
Stare.
Stare.
STARE…
"Uh…Hello fellow shinobi, my name is Mary Star Antoinette Kimi Hana Peach Kishimoto! And I have come to help on your quest." Mary what's-her-face flipped her shiny perfectly curled black hair over her petite shoulders.
Her manicured hands were on her perfect hips dressed in fish-net shorts and a micro-mini teal skirt. Her chest was just as impressive covered in a fishnet tank top with teal chest bindings. Her dainty feet were covered in high heeled sandals the color of her eyes which were…TEAL. Her face was perfectly shaped with a perfect nose, perfect teeth, perfect cheeks, perfect lips, perfect forehead-
FINE!
She's perfect, ok?
Mary batted her sultry eyes at Shikamaru, "I'll do whatever you want…"
…Egad, gag me with a spoon…
Push.
Ino flipped her blonde ponytail and grabbed Shikamaru's arm, "We need to find that squirrel, let's go."
"How troublesome…"
Meanwhile deep in the woods Orochimaru finds out the horrors of badly written fan fiction…
'…"And with that he smiled sweetly and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Glinda. Marry me as we walk into the sunset like lovebirds forever together, and ever and ever and ever!"
Glinda cried prettily as her shiny brown locks glistened with dew, "Yes, my Orochi-kun! Take me, for I have waited long enough!! TAKE MEEEEEE!!"
"Oh Glinda, your body is like an inferno!!"
"OROCHI!!"'
"AH!! I'm BLINDED, Kabuto!! Oh…THE LIGHT!! I see the light!! NOOOOOOO!!! I'm too YOUNG to DIEEEEEE! The light…so BRIGHTTTTT!!!"
Kabuto pushed his glasses up, "Orochimaru-sama what's fan art?"
Back with Sasuke and Naruto's little predicament…
A girl with big lips wearing excessive make-up pouted scarily at Sasuke, "Oh Sasuke! You don't need a man to fulfill your needs!! Take me!!! TAKE MEEEEEE!!"
"No Sasuke, ME! I can show you TRUE love!!"
"Don't listen to that bimbo!! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
And so on and so forth…
"Dobe…You're going to DIE here and NOW!" Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the collar ready to pummel him to an inch of his life.
"NO! HELP!! Psychotic Uchiha on the loose!!! HELP!"
Hinata peeked behind a wall to see Sasuke and Naruto cornered by a bunch of ravenous rabid fan girls.
Sweat drop.
"Mu-must h-help N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata quickly did a jutsu.
"OH MY GOD!! Is that a picture of Sasuke NAKED on the other side of town!?!"
"Like, NO WAY!!"
Hinata grabbed the boys' sleeves and pulled them into an alley.
"STAMPEDE!!!" the villagers nearby ran for cover in houses, behind carts, under potted plants…
"Hinata-chan, you're a lifesaver!" Naruto scooped the Hyuga heiress in his arms.
Faint.
Sigh.
"Dobe, I think you just killed her…"
"AH! Hinata-chan!!"
"Flowery Skies? That sounds…safe enough." Orochimaru who recently returned from his near-death experience read the title of some random fan art.
Clickity-click.
Flabbergast!!
"Ka-bu-to…WHY ARE YOU NAKED WITH MY SASUKE-KUN!?!"
"I swear, I didn't!!"
FURY!
"You have DEFILED my Sasuke-kun's INNONCENCE!!"
Uh-huh…Look who's talking…
"So uh…what are your jutsus uh…Mary?" Asuma sucked in a mouthful of smoke.
Mary grinned brightly, "Well I do everything really! I can manipulate water, fire, earth, lightning, smoke, flower, ice, cloud, sound, metal, and cheese. I can fly, and I have an IQ over 1 trillion. I can also transform into any animal and bring back the dead. OH! Did I tell you-"
"I don't like her." Ino glared at the babbling Mary.
"Someone's jealous." Shikamaru stared at the clouds.
Glare.
"For your information, I-"
"-I can use any kind of weapon there is!"
Asuma rubbed his head, "Hm…let's get going."
"Finally…" Shikamaru got up slowly.
Mary stood up also and bumped into Ino, "Oops sorry loser…Guess not all of us are so graceful, neh?"
Glare.
'Mary perfect-my-butt you have so made my hit list!'
"WHAT?! Sakura-chan has to go to the dance!" Naruto cried.
Hinata shrugged, "S-she is the G-Godaime's a-apprentice after all…"
"Did she tell you why?" Sasuke nonchalantly asked.
"You TEME! Sakura-chan isn't going! This is bad!"
Glare.
"How is it bad? She doesn't want to go so she doesn't go."
Uchiha Glare of DOOM!!
Hinata and Naruto shrunk a little in the corner.
'Someone's mad…'
Flip.
"So Sakura doesn't want to go to the dance, eh?" Kakashi flipped a page of his precious Icha Icha Paradise.
High-pitched giggle.
"This is going to be most interesting…"
"Ka-ka-shi!!"
Jump.
"AH! Kurenai-san…what-"
"Don't…For your information, I have a date now with Asuma." Kurenai held a hand up.
"Aa…Congrats, so I guess that whole kill me thing was a woman thing, right?"
"What…?"
"Uh, did I say that? I said was it your time of the mon-"
"KA-KA-SHI!!!!"
Shoot…
"I don't know…This seems a bit…weird…" Sasuke fingered the floral print.
"I don't know about you but I feel pretty!" Naruto twirled in his equally flowery dress.
Stare.
"Uh…GRR! Manly, testosterone, grrr, meat, grrr…"
"Whatever…Why are we doing this?"
"Because, Sasuke-chan, Sakura needs our help!"
Sasuke raised his eyebrow, "How exactly is going to a Sakura-Hate Club helpful?"
Hinata tapped her fingers together, "W-we need as m-much information as p-possible to c-change S-Sakura's mind…"
"Yeah and we can't get in a Sakura fan club without getting mauled to death." Naruto pumped his fist in the air.
"And you think going into a hate club is any better?"
"Uh…yeah!"
Sasuke rolled his heavily eye shadowed eyes, "I can't believe I'm doing this…"
"YOSH! Let's go!!"
Day 8 finished.
Operation infiltrate Hate Club ENSUE!!
A/N: Oh god…FINALLY!! I apologize for the lack of updates but I have been SO busy it's not even funny. Also I would like to congratulate Foxic Cherrii on winning the 200th review contest. SORRY chickie-dee it took so long!! Anyway I would also like to ask why some people thought this fanfic was over…its not. And I will now answer all reviews and questions on live journal. (I'll also have a reason why this was all so late) The link will be on my profile so got any questions go there. Also important author notes will be posted there too so do look for them!!
Squirrels have invaded your SOUL and the only way to get rid of them is to review. So REVIEW!!!