Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"
A/N: (Intercom) WOO! Chapter 9!! Happy Valentines Day!! LOVE!–bzzz- That is all… (End of intercom)
Thanks to the following reviewers: BABYdoe, SF Ranger, Sekushi Pug, Archerelf, NaruoKunoichi623, DemonDeReves, Parade, CrAzY-SiLLy-Me, CASE iN POiNT, Sweetnevermore, SakuraUchiha4, kimcat, Cheeseeatingsurrenderrat, SushiLuver, NazaliaSan, animemistress419, onyx eyed kitten, Tears like Crystals, lallyzippo, RasenganXChidori, Green Animelover, Lady Azura, tenshii-chan, BuBbLe GuM cHeRrY, Heartless Ghost, Suicidal Butterfly, coolyo, ness345, Hyousetsu, afitre, Mental Productions, Foxic Cherrii, Natsu Yukili, The Ultimate Fic Critic, Ur2tRoUbLeSoMe90, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, StrugglingArtist
Disclaimer: I do this every time so you should know by now…I do not own Naruto.
Tip 9: Yamanaka Ino
Yamanaka, Ino:
Only female teammate of Team 10, name translates to "boar" (Which totally sucks…Oink…), has a fiery temper and is easily insulted (OINK!!!!)…
Trip.
Stumble.
"HOLY MOTHER OF- Oh…it's you Kakashi…"
Was once Sakura Haruno's best friend, then not, then best friends again. (Geez…just don't be best friends.) Hyper, flirty blonde who oddly resembles Naruto… (I sense strange things a-happening…What's with Konoha and the affairs!?)
"Did you just say I'm like NARUTO?!"
Searching for a compatible companion to spend lovely days and nights with…Warning: Has to tolerate loud obnoxious talking that never ends, mood swings, constant flirting and-or bashings on head, and a personality just like Ms. Pig-
POW!!
"OW! I swear I wasn't going to say Ms. Piggy!"
Bash!
"CHA! Yeah right!!"
Drag to some unknown torture place…
Have mercy on me…
Rule number nine in Kakashi's secret ninja book of ninja stuff:
Rules for the perfect date: Location, Location, Location!
The Fifth Hokage…
The most powerful being in the ninja country of Konohagakure. Revered and feared for her abnormal strength, age-less beauty, and ability to heal almost any illness or injury.
And…she's laughing in her office…?
By herself…?
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Someone needs to take a visit to loony-ville, much?
"My plan is coming together so nicely. Won't be long now…Soon I, beautiful Godaime, shall REIGN SUPREMEEEE!! No one will stand in my way!!! MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-cough-hack-cough! Ew!! I think I swallowed a bug…"
Sweat drop.
Kakashi cocked an eyebrow up, "Uh…Right. So Sakura isn't going to the dance, what should we do?"
Tsunade grinned darkly and cackled, "All in good time, Kakashi, all in good time…"
"You are well aware that people are going to start thinking you're a TAD bit psychotic talking to yourself."
She took a swig of sake, "But I'm talking to you on this spiffy new microphone…"
Sweat drop.
"Do they know that?"
"Um…Give a minute…Uh…No…?"
"…"
"…OH!!! Why didn't you tell me, Kakashi!?"
Kakashi sighed, "But I thought you knew!"
Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose, "This is-"
"-totally and utterly RIDICULOUS!!" Ino glared spitefully at the teal-loving Mary-what's-her-face.
Munch.
Choji stuffed a handful of chips into his large mouth, "Why, Ino?"
"LOOK at her!! What does she look like!?"
Crunch.
Choji looked closely at Mary for a moment.
"Teal."
"NO! She's cuddling Shikamaru!! And he's NOT pushing her off!"
"Maybe it's because she's a leech?"
Silence.
"WOAH! Ino, calm down!! PUT THAT KUNAI DOWN!!!" Asuma grabbed the blonde female before she do major pain-age.
Mary smirked, "How un-ninja-like."
Crack.
And what was left of Ino's patience and no-killing-tolerance slowly poofed into pink pixie sticks.
Ohh…pixie sticks…
"OI! Author-lady-person, get back to the story!!"
Oops…
ANYWAY!
Squeak!
Five heads looked up to see a puffy white squirrel tittering above their heads.
"SQUIRREL!!" Choji squealed.
BAM!
Ino whipped her fist into his fat head, "We lost it, Choji!!"
Shikamaru face palmed, "How troublesome…"
Asuma took a long inhale of smoke, "Alright, twerps, let's split up. We'll cover more ground…Ino, Mary-something-something-something, and Shikamaru to the right; Choji and I to the left. Let's get that squirrel!"
"Some reason I'm glad Hinata isn't here with us…"
AH-CHOO!
Naruto slammed a hand on Hinata's back making her choke on her spit, "YOU OK HINATA-CHAN?!?"
"Stop yelling, Dobe."
"WHAT?!"
"Shut. Up."
Naruto cupped a hand on his ear, "YOU SAY SOMETHING, TEME!?!"
"Just shut up…"
"MAGIC PASSWORD!!!"
Sasuke grimaced and scowled, "…please…"
Grin.
"See that wasn't so hard, Teme."
"Can we please get this over with…?"
Naruto scratched the back of his head, "I still don't understand why we don't just use the Sexy Jutsu."
Sasuke groaned, "We went over this, Dobe…No means N-O!"
"Aw, come on, Sasuke-teme! It'll be FUN!"
"No, it won't. I refuse to do the Sexy Jutsu."
"But it'll be so realistic!"
"Can you keep it up for more than an hour?"
Naruto smiled sheepishly, "Well-"
"Exactly, now shut up and get changed."
"Hey Kabuto, what's this?"
"If it has anything to do with fan art, fan fiction, or anything fan-ish I don't want to be a part of it."
Orochimaru glared, "Nonsense Kabuto, my fiendish fiend, pure nonsense."
Kabuto watched skeptical "Then by all means, Orochimaru-sama, what is it?"
"What does Yaoi mean?"
Dun.
Dun.
Dun.
Kabuto pushed his glasses up his nose, "I think it's a type of fruit drink."
Orochimaru giggled girly, "OH! Maybe they have this yaoi in strawberry daiquiri, I'm feeling adventurous today."
Five minutes past…
"KABUTO!! LOOK YAOI!!!
"So I was like 'Oh no you didn't!' and he was like 'Oh yes I did!' so then we like fought and like guess what!?" Mary squealed loudly…VERY loudly.
Ino's eye twitched, "You died and this is just some cruel joke God is playing on us?"
"No silly! I like TOTALLY kicked his pa-tutti!"
"How troublesome…"
Shikamaru brushed some foliage away quietly.
Suddenly…
LATCH!!!
Something or someone grabbed his arm in a vice-grip, "Shika-kun did I ever tell you…-"
"No. And I don't want to know."
Twitch.
TWITCH.
Twitchity twitch, twitch…
"Why don't you and your prissy little behind just leave!" Ino yelled.
Mary scoffed then flipped her long luscious hair, "Puh-LEASE! You SO need my help!"
"You probably can't even escape a paper bag…"
"I have you know, I know almost 1 kajillion languages! Also I was top of my class of 1000. I beat them all with my pinky AND my arm and leg tied behind my back, WHILE doing the funky chicken!"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
OK! Moving along now…
"What. Are. You. Wearing. Dobe?" Sasuke glared at unfortunately his blond teammate.
Naruto flattened his wig, "What, I like this fabric, ok?!"
"Dobe, it's SPANDEX."
Cheeky grin.
"ORANGE spandex!"
And indeed, Naruto was wearing an orange spandex dress reaching to his knees, white knee-high boots courtesy of Hinata, and white scarf.
Sasuke tossed his hands up in the air, "I don't know you."
"Hey! At least my outfit is better than yours!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke gestured to his long flowery ankle length skirt to his hide his legs and a pink hoodie to cover his broad shoulders.
"Teme, that's FUGLY! Right, Hinata-chan?"
Hinata suddenly looked like a deer caught in headlights, "Uh…r-right…?"
Sasuke rubbed his forehead, "What do you mean it's FUGLY…?"
"You look like one of those hopeless fashion cases on the Women's channel. You know the ones with the long dirty dreadlocks, pink oversized T-shirt, and jeans the size of yo MOMMA!"
"Did you just call my mother fat?!"
Oh shi-
TERMINATOR SASUKE!
"YAH! Don't HURTTTT meeee!! I didn't mean tooooo!!"
Hinata grabbed Sasuke's arm, "We're here."
"AHHHHHHHHH!!! My EYESSSSSSS!!! THE PAIN!!! THE AGONY!!!!" Orochimaru clawed his eyes out.
Kabuto huddled in tree trunk rocking back and forth, "It's all just a dream…Just a dream…Happy thoughts…Rainbows, butterflies, walking on the beach, sunsets, gutting random people, murder, Naruto and Sasuke kiss-AHHHHHH!!! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!"
…
The culprit for the further mental instability in our two loveable stu-I mean sound ninjas…
One word: Episode 3.
Oh wait…that's 2…Whatever.
"When did THIS occur!?" Orochimaru wailed pointing to the flashy laptop screen.
"…Chicken heads…Fluffy marshmallows…Squirrel cakes…Pink grass…"
Weep.
"KABUTO!! NOOOOOO'S!!! Your BRAIN…IT'S BROKEN!!!"
"Did you hear that?" Ino peered over her shoulder behind her.
Mary sneered, "Hearing voices, Ino-chan? Maybe you should go back to camp if you're so scared, hm?"
"Yeah, too scared from your FACE."
The perfect girl gave a tittering laugh and both kunoichis stopped, "Oh puh-lease! Don't try to play the brave kunoichi here. We all know who it is."
"I mean seriously, who would like you anyway! You're so superficial and weak. Not at all the kunoichi, Shika-kun needs." She batted her eyes.
"…"
"Ino-chan, let's face it, I'm better than you. I'm a top kunoichi, perfect in every way. I'm beautiful, smart, cute, funny, perfect…What do you have? Looks? Hardly!"
Ino looked down to the leafy ground fists tightly clenched to her sides.
"Shikamaru doesn't need you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised they asked me to join their team right no-"
"Shut. Up."
Ding, ding, ding!! Today's Kunoichi Rumble is starring Yamanaka Ino, mind possessor extraordinaire; and Mary Star Antoinette Kimi Hana Peach Kishimoto, some chick who likes the color teal. Let the battles BEGIN!!
Knock.
One beady black eye glared out of a hole in a wooden door. "Password?" a gruff voice growled from beyond the door.
Naruto tugged his fake brunette locks, "Password…? THE HELL!!"
Sasuke flipped his waist long blonde hair over his shoulder, "Shut it, Dobe."
"Um…N-no one t-told us about a p-password." Hinata fidgeted with her floral print dress reaching a little past her knees and a strawberry blond wig to cover her black locks.
The voice barked, "No password, no entering."
Naruto moved forward, "Let me handle this…Soooo…What's your name?"
"Joe."
"Joe? What a nice name…Tell me a little about you, Joe…"
Five minutes later…
"A-and then t-they stole MY c-cookie! It was MY c-cookie!!" Naruto nodded sympathetically and fixed his thick rimmed glasses.
"Joe, get a hold of yourself! Don't let some little 5-year-olds rule your life. It's your life! YOUR life, not there's! Teach those midgets a lesson! I mean a 20-"
"I'm 40."
"Ok…I mean a 40 year old man should be able to eat his cookie in peace, right? Show them whose boss!"
The man wiped a tear, "You're so right, Naru-chan! How can I ever repay you?!"
"Well…you can open this door…"
"That was scary…"
Hinata blinked out of her stupor, "T-that was a-amazing."
Sasuke scoffed then entered the threshold, "If you call, helping a 40 year old man confront his fears about 5 year olds. Then yes, it was amazing."
"You guys are so slow!" Naruto- I mean Naru-chan squealed girly-like.
"Shut it, Dobe."
"YAH! Teme, that was cruel-"
"HIIIIIIIIYAAAAA!!" a random girl greeted them inside.
Naru-chan covered his-slash-her face with her abnormally large hands, "NOOOO! I'm too PRETTY to DIE!!!"
Ino cracked her knuckles. What was she doing?! She's Yamanaka Ino, girl who takes no crap from anyone! So why was she allowing this newbie tear her down…
"You're right."
Mary fell anime-style on the ground, "W-what did you say!?"
Ino shrugged, "You're right-"
Mary quickly got off the ground, "Of COURSE I'm right! I'm never-"
"I'm not done. I said you're right about some things."
Mary clamped her mouth shut.
Ino smirked widely, "I used to think beauty was everything. Everyday I would pretty myself up for the day, not working on my studies like I'm supposed to. It got so bad that I lost my best friend for one guy. I was vain. I was selfish. And I knew it. Did I like it? No. But I still went with it."
"I regret it. The many bad first impressions, how many people I annoyed, my weakness…You know what, Mary? You say you're perfect but no one is perfect." Her smirk slowly softened to a small smile.
"I'm not as smart as Sakura-chan, I'm not as strong as Tenten-chan, and I'm not as talented as Hinata-chan. But you know what I have? I have-"
"Determination."
GASP.
"Shikamaru?!"
"OK! Let's stop this moping around and do SOMETHING!!" Orochimaru clenched a fist in the air.
"Right after I burn all the bad images in my head…"
Orochimaru and Kabuto crouched on their knees and whispered conspiratorially.
"All we have to do is turn it off and we're good."
Kabuto gulped, "Alright on 5!"
"But I wanna count to five!!"
Sigh.
"Fine, Orochimaru-sama…"
"OK! Watch my back, Kabuto!" Orochimaru slid like a snake on his belly towards the cursed laptop.
5…
4…
3…
2…
1-
"AHHHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!! MY INNOCENCE! Someone get me a spork so I can GOUGE my eyes out!!!"
'…Orochimaru-sama…You were supposed to close your eyes before you got there…'
"Welcome fellow Sakura-haters! Today is a glorious day for all us beautiful intelligent beauties. We have received word that, the demon overlord, Haruno Sakura will not go to the Spring Jounin Dance!" a girl with big lips and slightly on the fat side clapped her hands in triumph.
Sasuke, Naruto, and Hinata cowered in a corner trying to blend in.
"HOWEVER! Before we begin today's meeting, we must go over the rules…" the chunky girl, obviously the leader of the motley bunch whipped out a book.
And not just any book too.
It was a bright hot pink, able to blind anyone who stared more than 5 seconds. Lace fringed the edges and giant shiny glittery hearts of DOOM decorated the front and back. Sakura's face was crossed out in a thick black marker in the center.
The leader flourished her arms as she opened said frightening ability-to-burn-your-eyes-from-their-sockets book.
Actually it looked like some plump turkey flapping away. But that's just my opinion…
"Rules? They actually have rules?" Naruto whispered.
Hinata nodded slightly, "M-maybe it won't be so bad…"
"Rule numero uno!! You must hate Haruno Sakura with a BURNING passion to be in this club! She is a witch; an evil, conniving, little beep! If given any chance to murder, DO IT! Take out her insides and sell them on EBay! You hear!? EBAY, THE GOD OF CHEAP STUFF!!"
"Um, Leader-san, I think EBay is a girl…" a random hater raised her hand.
"Ah…Take her to The Room!!"
"NOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOULL!" the girl was dragged out by her hair to some unknown place.
The 3 shinobi watched wide eyed.
"What have we got ourselves into…?"
Shikamaru heard the whole thing.
And you know what that means?
He was eavesdropping. NOOOO! He has committed a sin! It's almost as bad as looking through a girl's purse…
Shikamaru rolled his eyes at the two gaping girls. This was much too troublesome. First he's battling nature in the middle of nowhere. Next he's all alone IN the middle of nowhere. Now after almost getting attacked by fluffy bunnies and random walnuts he finds them ready to start one hell of a catfight.
"Shika-kun! Did you come to save me?" Mary batted her eyes sickly.
"No."
"Did you come to save me?" Ino placed her hands on her hips.
"No.
Oh…What a kill-joy…
Ino almost slapped the shadow-user, "Then why did you come?!"
"Geez…How troublesome…" Shikamaru covered his ears.
"How?"
A sudden dramatic wind breezed by.
Ino and Shikamaru watched Mary.
"How can you resist me?! I'm PERFECT!!" Mary stomped her booted foot on the leafy ground.
Whoosh! Tumbleweed passes by…
"Cause you're troublesome."
Blood drained out of her perfect face, "E-excuse me? You're siding with her!"
Shikamaru winced at her shrill tone, "…So what if I am? Just GO already."
Ino waved, "Buh bye!"
Huff.
"FINE! I hate you all! I don't even know why I stayed with a bunch of weaklings like you!" she turned her heel and entered the woods.
Dot. Dot. Dot.
"Troublesome…I hope she knows there's a cliff leading to shark-infested waters over there…"
"YAHHH!!"
Ino cackled evilly, "Guess not!"
"OH MY GOD!!! Don't EAT me!!! MY SPLEEN!!"
Ino covered her ears, "EW…indigestion, much?"
"Let's go back."
Ino giggled and grabbed his hand, "Yup! I need to get back and buy my dress!"
Shikamaru gave her a puzzling look, "Dress…?"
"Silly, you're taking me to the dance!"
"I am…? When? How?"
Ino swatted his arm, "Since I like you and I'll gut you like a fish if you don't."
And with that Ino left Shikamaru in her dust.
"…Wait…Ino! Troublesome woman!! Stop!"
Asuma, after a serious secret cuddle session with Nemo, took a smoke, "What took you guys so long?"
Ino glared, "What that supposed to mean? Where's the squirrel?"
Choji swung a cage with a white squirrel in it around in a fast circle, "Spin squirrel, SPIN!!!"
Sweat Drop…
"Uh…right. Where's Mary?" Asuma blew a smoke ring.
"Let's just say she's saying hello to the fishies…-"
"OH! NEMO!!"
"No, Asuma-sensei…No."
"Uh…Is there a possibility you'll all freakishly somehow forget that?"
"Not a chance, sensei, not a chance." Ino crossed her arms.
"Spin faster, squirrel!!"
Meanwhile past the large cliff, sharp rocks, and man-eating sharks…
"Ha! I LIVE!!" Mary emerged from the water with chunks of clothes eaten and many bite marks adorning her skin.
Darn it, she's alive…
"Just wait Ino-pig! I'll return and claim what is rightfully mi-"
Quack.
"Ducks of DOOM!! Away you feathery things with feathers!! NO!!! Not my hair!!!"
Day 9 finished.
Operation Albino Squirrel completed. Operation Hate Club continuing…
A/N: Ah you people are indeed beyond awesome! It's my entire fault really, I should have thought out all the chapters before posting. However, HOPEFULLY that's gonna change…currently in the works is completed or almost completed Chapter 10. I'll be working on 2 chapters at a time to keep this story flowing. Though with all this randomness…I doubt it's "flowing"…By the way, Episode 3 is the episode where Naruto and Sasuke kiss.
Squirrels have joined forces with the Mary-Sues, to defeat them you must review! REVIEW, DARN IT!!