Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"
A/N: Well we're pretty much a little past the half-way point, and looking back on it now…I wonder if I was really sane in the head when I wrote this. Ha, ha! But nevertheless this story is definitely my baby. Keep up the LOVEEE!
A/N 2: I've been thinking about this for awhile now…I might change my screen name for Something a little more…mature I suppose. Lil-Fluffy-Chan began from my obsession with InuYasha and that phase kinda died. So…OPINION?!
Happy, Happy Thank you's!: Hoshimirumi, Kickass-Kunoichi, sakura-koneko, Moona-Chan, layafel, Amei-chan, Jigoku no Kamunagi, Alien26, killertutu5, TehNarutoFan, CASE iN POiNT, Green Animelover, EmiieRoxs, FoCuSyOuRmInD, Minnane, NaruXHina1234, Cheeseeatingsurrenderrat, NazaliaSan, MM-Kokopelli, cut.class.not.frogs, Sweetnevermore, Hannah, DemonDeReves, Parade, Momo ninja, BuBbLe GuM cHeRrY, lallyzippo, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, Foxic Cherrii, pinkcrayon, sakura9898, SakuraUchiha4, Sora Akari, Sarah Rebecca, kurlyQT, Kunoichi142, cocoapuffaddict, Chibi-Penguin-Chan, Aria-chan09, Archerelf, SimpleLing, ness345, SweetKisses9…
Disclaimer: This story and plot is my baby, NOT Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto owns that title.
Tip 11: Hyuga Neji
Hyuga Neji:
Eighteen years of age but acts like a fifty-year-old (He's almost as bad as Sasuke…), tends to stick to himself and push fellow peers away (Anti-social much…Emo…)
Crunch.
Snap.
"…"
Has long brown hair (Too long…Suspicious…), hates restricting clothing (Even more suspicious…), is one of the most talented Byakugan-users (SUCK! Sharingan is BETTTER…Neji is a suspicious dude…)
Twitch.
"…Kakashi-san, are you implying I'm a GIRL?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Lives in the Branch section of the Hyuga Clan (Total emo-age.), claims destiny is of great importance (More emo-age.), has regained happy friendly bonds with Hinata Hyuga (I don't think happy is a good word to use for Neji…), teammates include Tenten and Rock Lee (Albeit he uses that Byakugan QUITE a lot…hopefully on the girl…please be the girl-)
BYAKUGAN!
Kakashi Leap of Death!!
"I'm going to skin you alive!"
I'm too young to DIE…!
Rule number eleven in the Ninja Guide to Ninja-licious Dating Tips:
Love Equation: Same likes plus same dislikes equals COMPATIBILITY!
Neji hated a lot of things.
Well…Hate was a strong word…
Neji strongly and absolutely dislikes a lot of things.
Main dislike?
Rock Lee…
Neji could feel a vein throb in his forehead. Surely Lee would notice by now that the two "squirrels" were imposters. I mean, SERIOUSLY, it's not that hard to figure out. I mean, there's a zipper on the back for crying out loud…in clear view…where everyone can see. But it seems he gave Lee too much credit since-
"Tell me, oh Great Youthful Squirrel-Sama! Do you prefer provolone or swiss?"
…Right. Too much credit.
Neji also and I quote strongly and absolutely dislikes unquote squirrels.
Reason?
Simple…They're annoying. All that happy tittering and nut-cracking…They're such a DISTRACTION. You're on a mission, see a fluffy-tailed squirrel, and then you lose a limb or two because you fell from a fifty-story tree.
Yeah I thought so.
They're a hazard, I say, hazard…
It seems mutual hatred for squirrels runs in the family…
"Lee, that's not a squirrel." Tenten sweat dropped.
SWEAT DROP OF DOOOOMMM!
Lee puffed out his chest, "Nonsense, my youthful Tenten! See they're tails! Youthful fluffy-wuffy tails!"
Which came back to Neji's many dislikes…
Neji doesn't like fluffy things. They're so…fluffy…and…poofy…
'Well no duh, Sherlock!'
'…Not again…'
'DAMN STRAIGHT I'M BACK!'
'Think…happy…thoughts…'
'Our Tenten-chan is in PERIL! Quick! To the Hyuga MOBILE!!'
'…What?'
'You know, THE Hyuga Mobile! The fastest car in the NINJA WORLD! Not to mention the spiffy flaming bunnies…'
'God help me…'
'FLAMING BUNNIESSSSS!!! They go POOOFFFF in the night!!'
Meanwhile with our wonderful drag-I mean super secret agents…
"And last but surely not the least…-"
Had Sasuke been a normal, not-so-ice-cube-ish boy he would be dancing pirouettes while singing "Build Me Up, Buttercup".
However, to our fan-based displeasure he's not "normal" per say…
"-UCHIHA SASUKE IS OUR ONE TRUE LOVE AND HOMIE!!!"
Whoa.
Hold up!
Did he just hear that correctly? Surely the two days of non-stop jabbering must have taken an extreme toll on his hearing. That and the fact that Naruto was squealing in the other room…
"AHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO TELETUBBIES FROM HELLLLL!!!! DON'T EAT MY SOUL!!!!!"
Uh…Well not squealing per say…
Sasukina coughed in his-slash-her hand.
"Uh…E-excuse m-me?" Hinata tapped the shoulder of a girl sitting in front of them.
The girl twirled around in a swirl of blonde and sparkles, "Like what?"
Hinata had to refrain from blinking uncontrollably from the sudden flash of blinding light. Almost like a randomly placed solar flare inside…
"This is the club for Sakura-haters correct?" Sasuke took extra care to giggle like a simpering school girl.
…Ew…Sasuke? Giggling? OH shot me now…
"Well like yeah! Were you like born like yesterday? Like OH MY GOD! Everyone like knows that Sakura is like the closest like female to like be with Sasuke. Like duh!"
"Well like listen here." Sasuke mentally slammed his head repeatedly on the wall.
He did not just talk like some freaky girl.
Him. Uchiha Sasuke, all powerful alpha-male of masculine testosterone.
The world as we know it was ending.
"You have no right to say anything about me!"
"Like what?"
"Uh…I meant Sasuke. Yeah Sasuke."
"Cha, like WHATEVER!"
Hinata leaned back in her seat as the blonde whipped her head around, "N-nice g-going, Sasuke-s-san."
'Yeah, nice-going.'
"So I climbed out of the tree and guess what I found?!"
Lee clasped his hands in front of him, "OH Youthful Squirrel-Sama, tell your most-devoted youthful subject!"
Orochimaru-Squirrel smirked, "I found…A NUT!!!!"
"MOST YOUTHFULLY INSPIRING!!! Right, Gai-sensei!?"
"INDEED, LEE!"
Tenten peered over her shoulder at the screaming bunch, "I feel kind of bad leaving Lee there…"
Neji dodged a kunai, "Don't bother."
She whipped another bunch of shuriken out, "But what if they take him hostage or something?"
"I doubt it now concentrate Tenten."
'Oh you're so smooth…NOT.'
'I have no time for your idiocy.'
'Cha, you know you want some of that.'
'God, you're annoying.'
'Blah, blah, blah mister asexual.'
'…Do something else other than annoying me.'
'Fine, I will…'
'Peace, quiet, solitude…'
'SMACK THAT ALL ON THE FLOOR! SMACK THAT TILL YOU GET SOREEEEE!! SMACK THAT!!!!'
"ARGH! I can't take it anymore!"
Stare.
"Uh…Neji, you alright?"
Glance.
Neji's pale eyes soften a little.
Like teeny tiny little itty bit much…
You get the point.
"Fine, just fine."
Fzzt.
The box-from-down-under-and-not-Australia-either blinked off.
"GODS HAVE FINALLY ANSWERED MY PRAYER!!!"
A random she-male thug turned the TV back on, "My bad, my hand slipped."
Big blobby tears ran down Naru-chan's face.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
And we will now return to our main feature…
"Squirrel-sama, I have a confession I must reveal before my youthfully chiseled chest BURSTS with emotion!"
"Uh…sure kid…"
"WONDERFUL! There is this girl I love. She is more youthful than even the fiery Tenten. However, I have this youthful rival named Uchiha Sasuke! He will steal the fiery youthful flame that is Sakura's INNOCENCE!!"
Thinking.
"Uchiha Sasuke you say…"
Lee's buggy eyes burst into flames, "Yes, Uchiha Sasuke! THE OVERLORD OF DARK…THINGS AND…DARKNESSS!!!"
Orochimaru cackled internally because if he cackled out loud then his master disguise will be ruined!!
Uh…right keep dreaming.
"Kabuto do you hear this?!"
Kabuto, who was forgotten throughout the plot of this chapter, looked up from his self-preening.
Wait…what?
…Never mind, I don't want to know.
"Kabuto, my pretty pink princess, squirrels don't preen. They're not ducks."
No, REALLY, Orochimaru?!
Kabuto wiggled his monstrous tail, "What else am I supposed to do, sir? The fur keeps sticking up."
"Lick it."
Glare.
"I'm not licking anything, sir."
Pout.
"Not even a lollipop?"
"…No."
Orochimaru sighed and returned to his Double-Fruity-Tutty-Swirly-Twirly-Blast, aka. Random-Cherry-Lollipop-He-Stole-From-Some-Kid.
Lee tugged the mutant squirrel, "Squirrel-sama?"
"Hey, hey hands off the merchandise."
"SORRY SQUIRREL-SAMA! BUT PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME WITH YOUR YOUTHFUL RAYS!!"
"Listen here kid, there's no way you can beat Sasuke and gain that chick's affection. Unless you suddenly became Sasuke there's a snowballs chance in hell for you."
"So are you going to the dance, Neji?"
Neji almost spat his water out.
"W-what?"
Oh great, he's starting to sound like Hinata. No offense to Hinata of course…
Tenten raised an eyebrow, "I said are you going to the dance."
'Is she asking me out?'
'I will die a happy pansy if she is!'
"Well it's not as if I can refuse…"
Tenten smiled and breathed a sigh of relief, "Great! I was worried I wouldn't really know anyone going."
'She is SO asking us out!'
'Shut up! We need to act calm…collected.'
'Right. Act ninja-like. Eye of the Tiger.'
"So…I'm guessing you already know who you want to go with…" Neji tightened the bandages on his arms.
Blush.
"A-ah…w-well…I was going to wait until Lee got back but I'm sure he can wait."
Huh?
Why does she need to tell Lee?
Don't tell me…
"It's not Lee is it?"
Tenten waved her hands back and forth quickly, "No, no, you got the wrong idea. He's still too worked up about Sakura."
Oh…WHEW!
Smile.
"I'm actually going with-"
"This is ridiculous…" Sasuke crossed his arms over his water balloon chest.
"D-definitely…"
Sasuke glanced at the fidgeting Hyuga beside him. Her eyes kept flickering from her wringing hands to the door hiding Naruto-I mean Naru-chan.
Sigh.
"If you like him so much just confess already. It's grating on my last nerves."
"T-then I s-suggest you do the s-same b-before it's t-too late…"
Sasuke glared his patent "Uchiha Glare of Doom and Future Pain and Suffering".
"What the hell is that supposed to-"
All eyes were suddenly on him. His hand drifted to where his blonde wig used to be.
Note the past tense.
'Oh crap…'
'Ditto…'
"SASSSSSUKKKKEEEE-SAAAMMMMAAAA!!!"
Turn.
A tilt of the head.
Green eyes scanned the forestry in front of her.
A puzzled look.
"Odd…," Sakura Haruno tapped a finger to her chin, "I thought I heard someone call Sasuke…"
Shrug.
Said pink-haired kunoichi skipped away.
'Must be my imagination…'
"So…Let me get this straight…Sakura is going to burst through my door demanding I give her missions on the day of the SUPA-DUPA DANCE-A-PALOZZA! And I, being the wonderful and beautiful and curvaceous Godaime, will fall for her girlish charms granting said pink-haired sweet-child-of-mine a mission. But of course everyone will be ginormous-ly angry and a possible fan boy riot will occur right outside my door. And that would cause less people getting in and out of the building and possible death by wild stampede. AND that would cause the economy to go down BIG time. Did I get everything?" Tsunade sat back quite pleased with herself.
"I think someone's a tad tipsy."
Pout.
"KA-KA-SHI!!!! Am I CORRECT-O?!" Tsunade pulled the devious puppy dog eyes.
"In a sense…with fewer words…And how exactly will it cause the economy to go down?" Kakashi peered over his novel or…thingy I don't know.
"Do you KNOW how many fan boys that girl has?"
Kakashi laughed nervously, "Ah…Right. Stupid Question."
"Uh huh…AND SO OUR SOLUTION!"
"Why are you yelling?"
Tsunade huffed, "Because it makes me feel important."
"But aren't you the GODAIME?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
"ANYWAY! As I was saying all we have to do is refuse Haruno Sakura missions. HA!"
"Goodie."
Tsunade smirked and cocked an eyebrow up, "Say…You know Jounin instructors have to go too."
Peek.
"So?"
"That means you need a date."
Kakashi placed his book to the side, "I'm sorry Tsunade-sama but I don't date older women."
POW!
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!! And what do you mean OLDER WOMEN?!"
The famous Copy-nin huddled in a corner, "S-sorry…NO HITTING…"
Tsunade sat back in her seat angrily, "But you do know you need a date. I hear Kurenai got Asuma."
Kakashi, who had miraculously made a fast recovery, waved his hand, "I'll find someone…"
"Anko's going."
"Did someone say ANKO?!"
Oh…My…God…
"Like oh my GOD!! It's like SASUKE!!! TAKE ME TO YOUR LAIR!!!" Sasuke dodged another fan girl while Hinata karate chopped another in the gut.
"T-there's too m-many of t-them…"
Sasuke grimaced.
Things are going to get very messy…
When suddenly-
BASH!!!
SHING!!
SPARKLY GLITTER!!
"To protect the world from devastation! To unite all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Naruto and…NARUTO! TEAM ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT-"
Sasuke threw a chair at Naruto, "Dobe…"
"Sheesh! Teme! You could have taken my…head…off?" All eyes were on the poor blond.
"Heh heh…Hello. Lovely weather we're having aren't we?"
"N-Naruto…"
"EUREKA!! Hold on Hinata, I'll save you!!" Naruto leaped up.
MORE BASHING!!
MORE SHINGING!!
MORE SPARKLY GLITTER!!
"I am Sailor Ramen! In the name of spicy soup and soggy noodles, prepare to be noodle-fied!"
"AH! My face is MELTING from STUPIDITY!!" a random fan girl screeched.
Sasuke groaned. The things he does for Sakura…Wait? What?
"Hyuga! Look!! Flying squirrel!" Sasuke pointed at a wall.
As if someone poked her with a needle, Hinata dashed through the wall at top speed.
Not to mention, screaming at the top of her lungs, "SQUIRRELS PREPARE TO PERISH BY MY HYUGA FIST!!!"
Naruto and Sasuke followed albeit quite…startled.
Smirk.
Naruto ran faster to catch up, "That's my girl!"
Neji sat there quietly. His teammate already left to do her own thing.
It wasn't shocking to see him in such a way. He always was a loner even at a young age.
However…
'Um…You ok?'
'Yeah…sure…fine…'
'Oh…riiight…Explains the murderous intent rolling off you in waves.'
'Hn.'
It wasn't like he actually liked Tenten.
It wasn't like he cared she was going with someone else.
It wasn't like he'd go on a killing spree just because he was dateless.
…But did she REALLY have to go with KIBA?!
Day 11 finished.
Operation J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y starting…NOW!
A/N: Ho, ho, ho! The TENSION is building! Pretty short chapter…not a lot of squirrel jokes. I think Orochimaru covers that field up quite nicely. Spring's finally come!!! YAY!!! SUN!!!!!! I'm thinking of new stories. Possibly a new one if I get the writing down. 43 REVIEWS!!! AHHHH!!! WONDERFUL!!! Won't be long before we reach the big 4-0-0!! (DANCES) Expect special character chapters to pop up. TOODLES LOVELYS!!!
Dr. Evil Squirrel Von Dude has planted an explosive device in It's up to you to save the day! Review in the next 10 seconds and you'll save thousands of writers!!!! AHHHH!!! (Also you'll receive a complimentary bunny with your next review. Toodles!)