Chapter Fourteen: Is There a Future?

It was the last evening of Alexandra's holidays. They were sitting on the bench in front of the cottage, sipping their postprandial coffees and watching the sun disappear behind the trees. None of them spoke, they were too preoccupied with their own thoughts. Their few days together had passed like a dream. Apart from some apparition trips to shops and markets in the area, the purpose of delivering Severus' products camouflaged by sightseeing and shopping, always on the lookout for potential Ministry spies, they had stayed at the cottage, Severus working in his lab, Alexandra exploring the garden, picking fruit and vegetables, doing some weeding or sitting on the bench, reading or daydreaming.

She felt at home here in this enchanted, secluded place, at home with its unfathomable owner and his complicated personality. He could be cold and sarcastic as well as gentle and sympathetic, insisted on solitude and quiet when working at his cauldrons, yet taking pride in showing and telling her everything about the places they visited and enjoying their playful banter at mealtimes. Meals - much to her surprise Alexandra had learned that although his looks conveyed the impression that Severus existed on potion fumes and the occasional sandwich, he was very partial about his food, devoted as much care to selecting the ingredients for their meals from the shops and from his garden and to cooking them as he did to the brewing of his potions and the mixing together of his salves. He also made sure to have adequate wines to go with the food and that the meals could be enjoyed in leisure. When he became aware of her surprised amusement about these unexpected gourmet qualities, he was offended at first, but then reluctantly told her about Azkaban and confessed that the long years of prison fare had taught him to value and enjoy good food.

And above all there was their love for each other. This strange and inexplicable love that made them desire each other's company, made them want to feel and smell and taste each other, this overwhelming love that survived the inevitable verbal skirmishes, arguments and misunderstandings of two proud and stubbornly independent and headstrong adult individuals. It was present in all their interactions during the days and culminated in the intimacy of the balmy Mediterranean nights.

And tomorrow she would have to return to England, to the noise and the polluted smells of the big city, to her cramped little flat in London, to her desk in a windowless office and to colleagues who still didn't quite respect her as one of their own. She sighed.

"You can come back here whenever you like, whenever you're free", Severus said quietly, as if reacting to her thoughts, nervously tracing the rim of his coffee cup with his forefinger.

She laughed sadly. "I don't think I can do that. It has been …"

"Oh, I see." His voice became colder by several degrees. "I'm sorry that my company has not met your expectations. As I've lived alone all my life, I lack social competence."

He stared straight ahead. Alexandra swallowed an exasperated moan. Oh, wonderful, once again she had stepped on a shell in the minefield of his precarious self-esteem and desperate pride. Bracing herself with a deep breath she started to put things right, willing her voice to sound calm and patient.

"Severus, listen, I enjoyed your company tremendously, I don't expect you to hold hands with me or entertain me with witty stories all the time. What I was going to say when you interrupted me was that I'd really like to come back as often as possible, but, as you very well know, I can't apparate and flights may be cheap nowadays, but I still can't afford them very often."

His shoulders slumped and he didn't reply. Then he turned his head slowly and looked at her, his face a picture of utter misery.

"Of course. I apologize, I've been such a fool."

She gave a little forgiving grunt and put her hand on his. He squeezed it gently, then turned it over and opened it, at the same time pulling something from the breast pocket of his shirt.

"Take this", he said and put a narrow, plain silver ring into her palm. "This is a portkey. It is designed to bring you here whenever you wish to come. It works only for you and only if you want to come here. For the rest of the time it's an ordinary ring."

Alexandra stared at the ring. "I thought portkeys were issued by the Ministry only."

He shrugged and laughed softly. "Officially and legally, yes. But don't expect obedience to the law from a former Death Eater."

She picked up the ring gingerly, turned it between her fingers, examining it closely.

"You can put it on. It's harmless. If you want to use it as a portkey, just transfer it from your right hand to your left."

She slipped it on the ring finger of her right hand. It fit perfectly.

"Is it like an engagement ring?" she couldn't help asking with a mocking undertone and immediately would have liked to take her words back. How silly of her! What would he do now? Get furious? Demand the ring back?

He remained quiet, then shifted slightly in his seat.

"Well," he replied after swallowing hard, "it – well, it certainly binds you to me in a way."

She could not see it in the growing darkness, but she thought he was blushing. He kept staring straight ahead where the lavender shrubs were now barely visible in the fading light. Alexandra smiled with relief and affection, put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you, Severus. Tomorrow I'll take the plane because I've arranged to meet my brother Julius at the airport, but I'm going to return here with the ring whenever I'm free and whenever you want me to come."

And so she did. For the better part of a year Alexandra left London whenever she could and went to Severus' cottage. She loved him and wanted to be with him, time had done nothing to diminish their affection and desire for each other. And yet – the constant travelling was exhausting and Alexandra often caught herself snapping at people just because she was so tired and not able to muster enough patience to get on with the little nuisances of daily life.

This wouldn't work in the long run, but she couldn't think of a different solution. She had to work for a living, she needed her regular job with the Daily Prophet, she couldn't afford to work freelance and live in the South of France. Besides, he had never asked her to move in with him permanently. It would have been a problem anyway, because he had no electricity in his cottage. He could do everything by magic, of course, and probably didn't even realize that an important device of modern civilization was missing, but for her a bathroom and a kitchen she couldn't use alone because they worked with magic were useless. She would also need a computer for working and a phone – it was hopeless. Installing electricity would cost money, and she wasn't sure if he had any to spare, only knew that she herself didn't. She could find accommodation of her own, of course, but this again would exceed her financial means. She had never mentioned these difficulties to Severus, as with selling his potions and salves and staying anonymous he still had enough problems of his own.

So Alexandra was at her desk on this rainy Wednesday morning, staring at her computer screen, lost in her gloomy thoughts. She didn't notice an owl landing next to her, until the bird started pecking at her arm. "Ouch!" Alexandra jerked her arm away and looked at the large brown owl. She recognized it, it was one of the family birds. What on earth could they want with her, she barely had contact with the Moody clan any more. Slowly she untied the large envelope and handed the bird a slice of the apple she was eating. The owl nibbled at the piece of fruit, then stretched its wings and flew away, sending the stack of papers on her desk flying all over the floor. Cursing under her breath Alexandra picked them up again before opening the letter and starting to read. It was a short message and she dropped the parchment on the desk after a few seconds, staring at it with unseeing eyes. Her father had died the night before and she was expected to attend the funeral. She looked for the date – damn! She wouldn't be able to spend the weekend with Severus, she had to tell him. Today was Thursday. Sending an owl would have been the quickest way, but as he shunned every contact with the wizarding world, owls were out of the question. He had instructed her to send letters to the post office in the village in cases of emergency, but there had never been the necessity to do so. Alexandra had no idea if a letter would reach him in time, but it was the only thing to do. She took a sheet of paper from the printer and scribbled a few lines, folded it and put it in the envelope. She would take it to the post office in Muggle London during her lunch break.

Severus Snape opened the letter on his way out of the village towards his apparition point. He read the few, hastily written lines, frowned, read them again. So she couldn't come. Family matters – whatever that meant. Had it happened at last, had she met someone else?

He stopped at the small stone bridge and stared into the glittering water. What had he expected? There were dozens of men, both Muggles and wizards, who were much more attractive than Severus Snape, the ugly, antisocial, grumpy hermit. It shouldn't come as a surprise actually, that one of them had become interested in a good-looking woman like Alexandra and wanted to end her loneliness. It had only been a matter of time. There were dozens of men who could offer her love and a comfortable life in England, whereas he would never be able to offer her much. Love, yes, but even there he had always been insecure about his ability to really love a woman. For someone with his past – wasn't a relationship bound to end in disaster?

And now she had left him, he was alone again…

Severus shook himself out of his thoughts and crossed the bridge to reach his apparition point. Would he miss her? Yes! No! No, certainly not! He had been alone all his life, the few months of their relationship didn't count, he could easily return to his old ways.

He concentrated on the apparition process and found himself on the path leading to his cottage. Opening the garden gate he suddenly remembered how he had come upon her on the day she had stumbled upon his property. And suddenly he felt as if his heart would break, realizing that indeed he would miss her, he already did! He loved her! He needed her and didn't want to go back to his isolated existence!

His eyes fell on the cottage and he registered the changed structure of the roof. The alterations he had made – in vain, he wouldn't need them any more.

Completely wrapped in his misery he went down the path to the cottage and unlocked the front door with his wand. There was an untouched bottle of Muggle whisky in the kitchen cupboard. He would take it out and open it, he intended to get severely and methodically drunk…

It was a week before the necessity of buying provisions brought him to the village again. Another letter from Alexandra was waiting for him at the post office. He tore it open at once with nervous fingers and scanned it hastily. It confirmed his suspicions. She wrote that she would visit him at the following weekend. 'There are things we must talk about,' the letter said. This could only have one meaning: She would tell him about another man and that she was going to leave for good. He tore the letter into small pieces and chucked them into the nearest bin. The whisky bottle was empty and Severus wasn't keen on repeating the experience of the terrible hangover that had incapacitated him for two days. So he decided to immerse himself in his work instead and tried not to think about what the weekend would bring.

Thanks to J.K.Rowling for the inspiring characters