Hey guys!

First things first...

ProFfeSseR –I agree, Christopher and Lorelai were never going to last and even though I know this it still bothers me. I swear I am way too involved with this show. A little bit of jealously always gets things moving. Always wanted Rachel back in the show, I liked her, well just as a friend to Luke.

Wendy – Wow it's been a while. Ireland was good, over in England now at uni though, been really busy with exams and projects. Today is the first time I've been online in a while when I was working. How is PA? Good I hope! Lol yes my S/L stories have suffered lately although I have had three quarters of the BTR chapter done for a while now, just haven't been able to finish it. Will update this weekend if I can get in touch with Kasia. Lorelai has made a lot of stupid mistakes in the last 2 seasons, I still hate that she married Chris and keeps this stupid marriage thing up. I want LL together but I don't want her to think she can just pick up with Luke where she left off.

Gilmorian – Thanks so much for the long review, it was great to read and get your opinion on GG. I'm glad to know you've been reading my other fics too. I apologise for the late updates, exam time is crazy with college. I loved your take on why Lorelai did what she did, I agree with your points on why she did what she did. Luke and Lorelai both played a part in what happened, I think she just put the final nail in the coffin when she slept with Christopher. These days I just hate the fact that her and Christopher got married. It was a rebound thing and she'll regret it. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and I look forward to reading your review!

Mochachocoholik - Do I like playing with your emotions? Lol is this a trick question? It is an angsty fic but I always like reading those one's most so I thought I'd do one for myself. I don't think I've written this much angst before to be honest. It won't go on forever though. I won't write Christopher as a complete douche, he does a good enough job of living up to that himself lol.

smileyGGfan – Luke was totally stronger, if he set his mind to it he could wipe the floor with Christopher! I didn't know how you all were going to take the Rachel/Luke sex thing but I thought the story needed it. For Luke to begin to understand that sleeping with someone doesn't always have to mean something. Plus after all these months I think Luke was in need of the 'human connection'.

Rollsdownhill – How did those chilli cheese fries turn out? Hah that was a funny review.

Robinpoppins – Thanks for the review. I have just started reading your fic; the name of it has gone from my mind right now but it's amazing so far so I'll be reviewing to yours pretty soon. Keep up the fabulous work! Enjoy this chap :)

Oh-no-she-di'ent – I will definitely try not to rush it. Lorelai is in denial, she needs to wake up and smell the roses. I think the last episode aired was definitely the beginning of the end of C/L I think. Hope you're feeling better after your illness!

-
Who I am Hates who I've Been
 -

Lorelai spent the rest of the day in her house, she'd resolved the lack of food situation by ordering pizza but when it arrived she didn't feel like eating it. 'Since when have you not been in the mood for pizza?' she'd asked herself.

Christopher left for Paris that morning to bring Gigi home; he was excited about their first Christmas as a family. She thought she would have been too, hell she had even convinced herself of it with the power of mental manipulation.

With Christopher gone she had some time to herself which she liked; these days she felt like she didn't have any. The fact that Christopher and his daughter now lived with her still hadn't sunk in completely; truthfully she missed the times when it was just her and Rory. 'At least you're not alone' a tiny voice in her head pointed out. It seemed weak that it was important to her that she wasn't alone again, after so many months of feeling lonely with Luke she didn't want to do feel it again. Unfortunately she had forgotten how lonely you could still feel in a room filled with people.

For so many months she had waited in hope that Luke would decide to stay at her place, (well actually it was theirs) rather than at the diner…many times the hope went without any sort of reward. These days Christopher came home every evening without fail, sometimes for the afternoon if he wanted to spend some time with her…so why wasn't she happy?

Lorelai knew the answer, she'd known since she'd gotten back from Paris, maybe even before that. However it wasn't since the return of the familiar 'Elle MacPherson kind of pretty' that she had begun to address those feelings…she would have tried to blank them out longer if she'd known how torturous they'd be.

The diner was busy all day because of the festival that evening; Luke was tired of hearing about the damn thing but the fact that April would be there made him tolerate all the town people and their crazy ways.

As Rachel had promised, things between them hadn't changed any since they'd slept together. He was glad; last thing he needed was to drive yet another woman out of his life. It had been good having her around recently, recently he'd felt like he had no-one to talk to…especially since Anna had stopped him from seeing April.

"You excited to see April" Rachel said interrupting his thoughts as she refilled a customers coffee mug.

"Yeah" he said grinning to himself.

"I can't wait to meet her"

"She's great, really smart y'know…must have got that from her mom's side"

"What are you talking about; I remember you back in school…you were good in history"

"Good? Yeah I didn't fail that's about all I managed"

"Maybe she's really good at running track"

"She doesn't do sports" he deadpanned.

"Okay I'm out" she said holding her hands up in mock surrender. Honestly she was excited to meet the girl she'd heard so much about; plus seeing Dad Luke would be a nice change for her. Thinking back years she couldn't remember him ever being around kids; well there was his sister's kid Jess but all he talked about back then was the jam hands all over his apartment whenever they left.

An hour later Luke left the diner to go pick April up for the festival. Anna gave him the cold shoulder when he came to the door, telling him quickly what time she wanted April back by and warning him not to be late. Of course he agreed and thanked her for letting him spend some time with his daughter.

-
Stars Hollow Christmas Festival 2006
-

The whole town square was lit up, there were booths everywhere with the town people all dressed in some sort of festive clothing. It hadn't snowed yet which was strange because it snowed every year at this time, at least for the past ten years anyway.

Lorelai walked slowly up the street toward the festivities; she wished more than anything that Rory could have been there to share it with her but unfortunately her daughter had a life which included a boyfriend in London. A year ago they were setting up the 'the amazing Doggy Swami'booth together. That was the same time that she had found out about April and Luke cancelled their wedding…well technically they postponed it, but a new date was never set.

"Lorelai would you like to sit on my lap?" Kirk asked when he came up dressed as Santa, the suit was much too big on him… he looked like he was drowning in the suit.

"Um no thanks"

"I'm just asking because I think adults should get the opportunity as well as the children"

"I'm fine Kirk, why don't you go ask Patty"

"She already did, my leg cramped that's why I had to go for a walk" he explained.

"Okay well you should get back" she said plastering a smile on her face and pointing to the line of kids who were patiently waiting next ton the Santa's grotto that they had set up next to the gazebo. 'Chris is right, this place is crazy'

Luke spent the whole ride back to the diner listening to April tell him all about what had been going on with school and how she had done in her latest science project. He interjected every few moments to agree with her or answer a question she had; most of the time he was happy just listening to her happy chatter about current events.

When they got to the diner he glanced inside and saw Rachel starting to close up.

"April I want you to meet an old friend of mine" he explained as he followed her in.

"I guess you are April, very honored to finally meet you. I'm Rachel" Rachel smiled, introducing herself to Luke's daughter before he got the chance.

"Hi. So are you my dad's new girlfriend?"

"Actually I'm an old girlfriend of your dads; he's a very good friend still so I'm just here for a visit"

"Oh that's nice. Are you staying long? I know Lane is pregnant so it's good that you're helping out here. I've offered to come by after school to help as well but dad says no"

"I don't need the help April" Luke grinned, he'd told her a hundred times that the diner was fine but it was still nice that she worried about him. It reminded him a little of the relationship that he had with his own father, after his mom died he would always skip school to help out around the store. Even though he wasn't big on the hardware business just spending time with his dad and helping out was enough for him.

"Yeah yeah so you say. So can we go over to the festival yet?" April asked, glancing out the window to all the people outside already enjoying themselves.

"I'll close up here and see you out there" Rachel said just as he was about to say he had to close up.

"Thanks" he smiled and she just gave him a wink.

"Come on dad"

It was half an hour before Rachel joined them outside; of course she had armed herself with her camera. She'd noticed there were no pictures of Luke and April in his apartment; she planned to change that. As she walked over to them she took a couple of photos just with him grinning down at her; another at her rolling her eyes to something he'd said.

"Rachel can you see if you can beat dad" April interrupted when she handed her a small bean bag and pointed at the cans on the stand that she guessed she had to knock over.

"I've been beaten three times."

"I'll try but I'm not great at sports" Rachel explained just before she threw the beanbag and completely missed the cans.

"You're the worse than me" April said and the three of them laughed.

Lorelai walked through the festival chatting to the towns people; Sookie and her spent a while laughing at Kirk when he tried to make Taylor sit on his knee which resulted in Taylor chasing after him…who knew Kirk was so fast. 'Fear of Taylor can do that' Sookie commented.

Jackson and Sookie were running a fruit and vegetable booth; she was explaining which dishes they could use each vegetable which. Lorelai however was distracted by a scene over in the next booth between Luke, April and Rachel as they played one of the games. 'Luke doesn't play games' she thought, trying to argue against what she could clearly see for with her own two eyes. If someone had told her about it maybe she may have succeeded in that feat; however watching it happen was another story. They all laughed together at that point when Rachel threw a beanbag and completely missed the small bottles she was aiming for…they looked like a family. It didn't go unnoticed by her or a few other townspeople who were all watching them; looking pleased with themselves that they had gotten what they predicted.

A knife in the gut, Chinese torture, boiling her eyeballs…it seemed like what she was feeling at that moment was similar to those types of pain. How she was feeling was wrong; she knew it. The ring on her finger was now just a painful reminder of what she had done, she hadn't moved on…she'd taken all the steps towards it but yet her heart was still with him, still in that small apartment above the diner.

Sookie had known Lorelai long enough to know when she was upset and it didn't take Einstein to figure out exactly why as she glanced over to the booth close to them to see the happy scene being played out. 'Maybe this is what she finally needed to see' she thought. Lorelai had pushed her feelings for Luke to the back of her mind and convinced herself that she loved Chris; Sookie knew otherwise, she just wasn't sure when Lorelai was going to realise it for herself. Apparently seeing Luke looking happy with another woman, a woman Lorelai knew had meant a lot to him in his past, seeing them all looking like a family had shaken her to the core.

Lorelai still stared at the three of them at the booth, it was like a car accident; she knew it was going to be bad but she couldn't look away. It was only when Rachel noticed her staring at them that she quickly changed her focal point to the ground.

"You okay sweetie?" Sookie asked, rubbing her arm as if it would soothe her.

"Yeah, just going to go get some candy floss" she said faking a smile before quickly walking away.

As she stood in the candy floss queue she kept her gaze to the ground, safest not to catch anyone's eye because she was in no mood for small talk. Kirk had just started DJing and had started with 'The Offspring'…apparently his mother had confiscated his CD's so he didn't have any Christmas music with him. Why wasn't she surprised?

Lorelai was on her way back to Sookie with two sticks of candy floss in her hand, subconsciously hoping that all the candy she had been eating would induce some sort of sugar coma. It was the only way she could picture herself getting any sleep that night.

"Now that I've worn out,
I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination…"

The song had only played for a few seconds but already both Luke and Lorelai knew what it was. Luke wasn't a 'music guy', his knowledge was mostly what he had picked up from Lorelai's extensive CD collection which she brought along anytime they went somewhere in the car. However this song…he knew it very well.

That song held a lot of memories for them; it was where it all started, that's when Lorelai had thought about dating Luke…when he'd told her he could be a 'movie guy'. On their one year anniversary she had put on that same song and made him dance with her, as much as he grumped she knew he enjoyed it as much as she did.

"Looking through the night
And the moon's never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light…"

Luke who was winning the third out of three games with Rachel stopped when he heard the song; all the memories flooding back into his mind. This didn't go unnoticed by either Rachel or April.

"You okay dad?" she asked but Luke didn't hear her; his mind was somewhere else. He found himself scanning the town square just to be able to see her, even for just a second was better than nothing.

"April you want a drink?" Rachel asked; the young girl nodded in reply and asked Luke who answered this time. She excused herself to get drinks and left the two of them to have some alone time, deciding it was time to do something about this situation…maybe it wouldn't turn out well but if there was still a chance then she would take it.

Rachel found Lorelai sitting on the bridge which crossed the small town lake; she was crying into her hands.

"Hi"

"Oh hey" Lorelai sniffed; feeling intensely awkward at that moment and tried to hide her tears but to no avail.

"Can I sit?"

"Um sure" she muttered, unsure of what was needed to be said. The two of them sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Rachel decided to speak.

"I just want you to know I don't judge you for anything that happened between you and Luke. From what he's told me you both played your part in it" Rachel said in a steady tone, her eyes constant in their gaze out to the dark lake.

"Thanks" she said in a low whisper. There was just one question that Lorelai wanted to ask her, but she wasn't sure she even wanted to know the answer.

"Luke and I aren't back together" Rachel said, answering the question that Lorelai was too scared to ask. Trying to continue the conversation without letting her know that would be like trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

"You're not?" she replied, releasing the breath that she hadn't even been aware that she was holding.

"No. Just went through a rough break-up myself. I'm here as a friend to Luke."

"I'm sure he's glad to have you around"

"I think so" she asked, not up for the pretending game anymore.

"How is he?"

"He's…getting by"

"I hurt him" Lorelai said, her eyes welling up with fresh tears as she thought about the look on his face that morning when he had turned up at the house wanting them to run off and elope. Four words was all it took to literally break the man she had seen as a pillar of strength for so long.

"Can I ask you something?" Rachel asked tentatively.

"…Yeah"

"Why did you get married?"

Lorelai didn't answer right away; honestly the reasons were a giant blur to her now. Had it really ever sounded like a good idea marrying Chris? If it had then she had long since forgotten those times; she guessed those moments she'd considered the marriage as a good idea were fleeting at best.

"The million dollar question I've been sitting here asking myself. I guess I gave up on Luke, he didn't want to marry me and Christopher did…I thought it would make me forget everything. It did distract me for a while but now it's just made everything worse." She said. Surprising herself by saying it all out loud to a near stranger, her closest friends and even her only daughter had not become privy to this level of confession. Her voice hitched at some points as she choked back the tears that were threatening to fall yet again.

"People make mistakes; I know Luke doesn't blame you for everything that happened. He cut you off for so long, he took you for granted and it led to…well what happened."

"He said that?" she said, a stray tear finding itself wandering down her cold cheek.

"Yeah"

"I don't know what to do" she said resting her head in her hands as the weight of the decision she had to make started to down on her. Well she'd basically already made the decision; it was just the following through that was going to be the problem.

"I think you need to talk to your husband"

"Yeah…"

"Well I should get back" she said standing up from the bridge.

"Thanks Rachel"

"No problem, just try…make yourself happy and if that's with Luke then fight for it. No matter what he says, he still loves you" she said, choosing her words carefully because she didn't want it to seem as if Lorelai could snap her fingers and Luke would be back. Knowing Luke and speaking from experience he wouldn't be quick to jump back into something that had hurt badly before. Lorelai would need to prove herself to him and vice versa if they were even to have a chance.

Rachel bought a couple of drinks and headed to where Luke and April were, checking out Babette and Morey's booth near the gazebo.

"We thought you'd gotten lost" April said when Rachel turned up.

"Well we photographers often get sidetracked; I ended up taking some pictures of the festival. Plus it's Stars Hollow, three right turns and you're back in the town square. I don't even think Stevie Wonder could get lost here"

"Good point" April agreed.

"Any good ones?" Luke asked about the pictures.

"Yeah, I'll show you both them later"

"Can you teach me some stuff about photography; I've always been quite interested in it."

"Of course, why not a quick lesson now"

"Can I dad?"

"Sure go ahead" he nodded and let them walk off into the busier part of the market to get some candid photos of townspeople. Luke contemplated going back into the diner for some peace but decided against it, knowing once he went in he would be followed by town people wanting coffee or food. Instead he walked to one of his favourite places in town; funnily enough it turned out to be one of Jess's favourite spots as well while he had lived there, the lake. When he crossed the town's square and down the small lane to the wooden bridge he didn't see Lorelai until he was just a few metres away.

Lorelai had heard the vague sound of footsteps on the bridge and hoped whoever it was would walk past and ignore her. Whenever the person stopped and made no other move she glanced up, fully prepared to make a snappy comment like 'Take a picture, it'll last longer' but when she saw who it was all words flew from her mind.

"Hi" she managed to get out, her hands moving to try and wipe around her eyes, knowing she probably looked like death warmed up.

"Hi" he said, swallowing hard at the sight of her. She'd been crying, there were mascara stains down her face and her eyes were dark. She was but a shadow of the woman he remembered…had he done that to her?

So what did you think? The good, the bad and the ugly.

What did people think of this weeks episode? I was glad Chris found the letter. Everytime I hear Lorelai say ILY to Chris I want to shoot myself. It's like 'Hello salt, meet wound' kind of thing. The letter was great, perfect way to get the LL ball rolling. I loved Luke's face when he was listening to it being read out. I think at the end of the episode was a 'Wow' moment for Lorelai, realisation? I hope so.

Lauren Graham being made a producer of Gilmore Girls, hope you all caught that. Proud of her!

BTR will be updated this weekend, just need to get in touch with my updater Kasia! And the next chap of this chapter is started so hopefully won't take long to update. Last two weeks have been nuts. Architecture is such an intensive course, grrrr.

Anyway please review my pretties xx