For all my great friends out there. Thanks to Angie, Nelleke, Wuemsel for you reveiws. Thanks to Eli for asking for the story. And to Brook, Delia and Shawne - love ya ladies!

Chapter 8

It was probably the longest night the two men had ever spent together as they sat in the locked white cell. Hutch had immediately peeled the white tape away from Starsky's eyes so that his partner could again see and Starsky had immediately fixed his indigo blues onto his partner, never taking them off the blonde's face as though his life depended on watching his friend. Hutch's anger knew no bounds at the barbaric treatment Starsky had received and had the doctor been in the room with them, he'd have ripped him limb from limb. As it was, he directed his anger into looking after the tormented cop at his side.

As he pulled the tapes away from his eyes, Starsky had asked his friend to take him home and Hutch wished he could do just that. But McGrail had locked them both into the room, declaring that by law he had to keep Starsky for 24 hours.

Hutch pulled the brunette to him, putting his chin on the top of Starsky's head as the smaller man rested his head on Hutch's shoulder. The curly haired cop was still fighting the effects of the drugs he'd been given, but nothing could stop the thoughts racing through his head like a crazy roundabout. Finally he stopped on one thought. One he could concentrate on and one that was causing him pain.

'Hutch I hit someone' he whispered

'I know ya did buddy'.

'Did I hurt 'em? Is that why they're punishing me?' he asked in a small lost voice

Hutch sighed. 'They aren't punishing you pal. No-ones punishing you, you didn't hurt anyone. They understood'.

'I thought it was Quinn. I could see Quinn and Ryan and I was back in the…..I keep hearing 'em asking me about the lights. I can't shut 'em out….can't shut 'em out, they're there all the time….can't stop 'em' he shook his head, whimpering as if trying to block out some outside sound.

The blond closed his eyes, shutting out the heart rending sight. He was used to Starsky being so strong and dynamic and to see him reduced to this vulnerable damaged state was almost more than he could bear.

Suddenly the brunette looked up as if seeing someone come into the room. He stiffened and shuffled back further against the wall, his eyes wide with fear.

'They're coming. I can hear 'em. Hide and I'll tell 'em you aren't here. If they don't see you they can't hurt you. Hutch, just hide and I'll cover for you' Starsky was getting more and more agitated as the seconds passed.

Hutch caught hold of the shaking body. 'There's no-one there Starsk. You're safe now. No-ones there, I won't let anyone get to you' He hung on as Starsky shook in fear, burying his head in his partner's shoulder. Slowly the tremors subsided and Hutch gently pushed the brunette away, looking into the troubled eyes.

'Here buddy, let me take this off of you' he offered, tugging at the straps of the straight jacket. The canvas was clean but stiff and already Hutch could see a red welt forming around Starsky's neck where it had rubbed at the delicate skin. He fumbled with the stiff leather straps, removing them from their keepers and unbuckling the tabs allowing the canvass to fall forward.

Starsky let out a breath in relief. The jacket was not meant to be cruel, but the straps had been secured too tightly and he'd lost some of the sensation in his fingers. He flexed them slowly, letting the feeling come back into them and gently Hutch took them in his own hands and tenderly rubbed them. He stopped, angry again as he looked at the big hands, noticing the absence of the silver ring his partner habitually wore on the little finger of his left hand. The brunette smiled a sad smile. 'They took it away in case I hurt myself with it' he muttered, flexing his shoulders to ease out the kinks. Slowly Starsky rubbed at the sore abraded skin around his neck, but didn't complain

His big blond partner sighed again trying hard not to show the anger that had redoubled in his stomach. He watched as the brunette rubbed his hands up and down his arms. Starsky might be rid of the straight jacket, but he wore only the white scrubs pants beneath and he was beginning to shiver now. Whether it was from the drugs, or whether he was just plain cold, Hutch had no idea, but he took off the tartan shirt he wore over his tee shirt and draped it around his friend's shoulders, Starsky pulled it around him and plunged his nose into the fabric.

'Smells of Hutch' he mumbled happily. He leaned back against his partner and closed his eyes, still for a moment, the shirt still tucked under his chin.

The stillness, however, did not last very long and within moments, Hutch noticed the tanned, strong fingers fingering the buttons on the shirt. He covered them with his own.

'What're ya doing buddy?' he asked.

'There's eight' the smaller man replied, looking up for confirmation.

Hutch's heart rate hiked up a notch. Oh God buddy don't do this. Don't start counting again. Just rest and sleep. You'll feel better then. But for fucks sake don't count.

'It's not important Starsk. Just put them down'.

'Is it wrong? Did I get it wrong?' the indigo eyes looked distraught. 'Not eight?' the brunette asked, reaching again for the shirt.

Hutch pushed his hand away. 'It doesn't matter Starsk. Leave it buddy. Just leave it huh?' But he knew he'd said the wrong thing. The brunette was up on his feet now, pacing the confines of the cell, his bare feet soundless on the padded floor, his hands up to his head, clutching at his own curly hair.

'Three lights…said there were four, but I knew….three lights…..eight buttons and three lights….and you weren't there. You weren't there for me…..three lights but you weren't there' the voice got louder and louder.

Hutch pushed himself up and caught hold of his partner's shoulders swinging him round so that he could see into the tortured face. He took hold of Starsky's chin, forcing the smaller man to look at him. 'Oh God I wish I could have been there for ya, I really do, but I was sick too. Please, just shut up about the lights Starsky. It doesn't matter any more. They're gone. Quinn is gone. Ryan is gone. No lights, no buttons, no counting OK? Just take it easy, just….'.

He saw Starsky's hand swing at him and tried to duck out of the way but in his surprise he was slow and the blow caught him squarely on the chin, snapping his head back. He fell back a couple of steps, but recovered quickly as he saw the brunette coming at him again.

'There were three lights and I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Now you won't believe me. Why won't you believe me?' Starsky was yelling as he threatened to aim another blow at the blond.

If it hadn't been for the fact that his partner was still under the influence of the Thorazine. Hutch would never have had a chance, but the brunette's reactions were fractionally slower than normal and as he swung the punch. Hutch caught the fist in his hand, pushing Starsky back against the padded wall, pinning him there with his forearm across Starsky's throat, leaning into the thin frame and holding it still.

'You don't want to do this pal' he panted, seeing the madness still in his friend's eyes, although it was retreating again now. 'You don't want to go there. you don't know what you're doin'.

Something seemed to switch on in the brunette's head and Hutch saw the change in Starsky's eyes. The body he was holding went limp against him and stopped fighting, instead holding onto his arms and trembling.

'I'm sorry. Dear God, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I hear him all the time and I see him everywhere. I never meant to hurt you….never meant to hurt anyone…...I'm going mad aren't I? He broke me so easy and now I'm loosing it' he let out a whimper and buried his head in Hutch's shoulder as the blond felt the sobs start to wrack the frail frame.

Gently he eased them both to the floor, still holding on to his partner and rocking him as Starsky continued to sob.

'I'm so scared Hutch. I'm loosing it, I know I am. One minute I'm fine and then I hear him again and I know he's coming to beat the crap out of me again, and I'm just so bloody scared……I never let him know he'd broken me…..never. But he did and that hurt so damned much, more'n the torture. No-ones ever done that before. I survived eight weeks in that camp in 'Nam and they didn't break me, but him! It was just too much and I was too fuckin' weak. And then I kept seeing you and I knew for sure that I was loosing it'.

Hutch held him close, fingers entangled in the dark curly hair as he tried to find the words to comfort his friend.

'I was there buddy, don't ask me how I knew, but I saw what those bastards did to ya, and if I could I would have killed 'em myself. But you're safe now. You're not weak. God you're the strongest man I know and he didn't break ya. If he had, you wouldn't be having this conversation now. S'ok. No-ones gonna get ya any more, I promise. But ya have to try to stop counting. Just for me huh? Can ya do that for me?'

'Dunno…..Can't help it…..I can't live like this Hutch. Can't live with this inside me all the time. I need to get out, to run. I need to get it all behind me. Help me? I don't know what to do any more……I'm so scared'.

'I know buddy. I would be too. But you got over 'Nam and you'll get over this. You just gotta give it time. No-one should have to go through what you went through. Most guys would just go plain nuts, but you're Starsky. You don't go to pieces just because some flake beats the living daylights out of you'.

Starsky took hold of Hutch's right hand, fingering the bleeding raw knuckles. 'Seems like someone else went nuts' he muttered.

The blond chuckled. 'Yeah well. We're all allowed one psychotic episode'.

The indigo eyes pierced into his soul. 'Am I gonna make it?'

Hutch pulled his partner to him. 'God I hope so. I couldn't cope with an even crazier partner than the one I usually work with! We'll work this out buddy, me and thee, like always'.

Starsky gave him a shadow of the lop sided smile he usually had, but it was tinged with sadness.

'I don't know who I am any more' he whispered. 'I feel like I'm wading through a sea of molasses and I can't find my way out. I just can't see an end to it, coz I don't know who I am any more' he put his head down, pulling Hutch's shirt more tightly round him as Hutch draped an arm over his shoulder.

'You're Detective first class David Michael Starsky. You're my Starsk'.

'Am I? I don't know. I think he's in here somewhere and I think he wants to get out, but he's lost. Some times I feel like I'm just fading away. I wish they'd stop pumping me full of the drugs then I could think straight. Hutch?'

Yeah buddy?'

'I just wanna go home. Will ya take me home huh?'

Hutch nodded. 'Just as soon as I can pal. Just as soon as I can'.

The brunette settled happily against his partner and closed his eyes, feeling safe for the first time in weeks and as Hutch closed his eyes, Starsky drifted into a troubled and frightening sleep.