Commercial 5: Let's Watch Soccer!

"Now, before we move on to the last commercial," the Boss began, sitting down behind his desk looking rather weary, "I would like to ask this: Why is there only one take, and why doesn't it follow the script at all?"

"Well, you see," Usopp volunteered, "Sanji was supposed to do it alone, since the script only requires one person. Only, Sanji (for some reason that is entirely unfathomable to me, I might add) thought the script was, and I quote, 'too shitty cheesy for some shitty sport'-"

"I was supposed to be fantasizing about soccer players," snapped Sanji. "Male soccer players. What did you expect me to do? Hop around in delight?"

"Yep."

No need to mention that that monosyllabic, dull, infuriating comment came from a certain green-haired swordsman.

"If you want to say something, say it like a man!" snapped Sanji. "Or maybe we should be wondering about your sexual preferences, since you can't act like one?"

"You try saying-"

"I wouldn't recommend fighting at this place or time," Robin said calmly. But the fact that she had spoken was enough to make Sanji forget the argument entirely, and her sly glance at an irritated-looking Nami made Zoro snap his mouth shut. He definitely couldn't afford any more debt to that witch.

"Ahem," said the Boss, bringing everyone's attention back to himself as he pushed the last videotape in to the VCR. Luffy leaned forward eagerly—he hadn't been present when this commercial was made. Neither had Zoro, Robin, or Franky, actually, but Zoro was napping again and Robin was reading and paying the television no attention whatsoever. Franky appeared mildly interested, even if his eyes weren't sparkling in anticipation like Luffy's.

To no one's surprise, it was Sanji—albeit a very bored-looking Sanji, mind you—who appeared onscreen.

"Watch soccer, everyone!" he said with obviously fake enthusiasm before stepping forward and reaching out towards the camera—towards the 'off' button, as Nami and Usopp knew.

But Usopp came running into the scene, whispering in a stage-whisper that was very audible to all watching the commercial. "Wait, wait, you can't just say that and call it a commercial! You have to advertise it!"

Sanji rolled his eyes.

"I just did. I'm done." His voice was not even a stage whisper. And, once again, he was reaching out to turn off the camera. This time, Usopp slapped his hand away from the camera. It was probably just luck that Sanji's or Usopp's hand didn't hit the camera and veer it off into some useless direction.

"No, no, no," Usopp hissed, again in the not-quite-stage-whisper as he rolled his eyes this time. "I'll show you how to do a real commercial." He turned away and looked at something offscreen. "Chopper! Come here a sec!"

Chopper came darting onscreen just a few moments later. "What is it, Usopp?"

"Did you see last night's soccer game?" Usopp asked with so much enthusiasm that if he were a kettle, he would be boiling over. It was a little difficult to tell whether or not the enthusiasm was real or fake. Usopp was, after all, a pretty good actor when it came to telling his lies.

Which was why Franky, and even Luffy, could anticipate what he was about to do.

Onscreen, Chopper, who had never heard the word 'soccer' before, looked completely baffled. "No, not really…"

"Why not?" asked Usopp with even more enthusiasm, if that were even possible. "You really should've seen it, it was great! The Team Red looked like it was just about to win, and the whistle was only 63 seconds away! Team White was down 3-0! But then their midfielder decided that they simply couldn't lose, since it was too humiliating. So, with only those 63 seconds left, he took the ball, and kicked it high up into the air! Then he ran, as fast as he could, and leapt over everyone's heads. And there, above the head of the goalie, he kicked with all his might, scoring and landing atop the goal's bars! All in 5 seconds!"

Chopper's eyes were going wider by the second with awe. He honestly had no idea whatsoever what Usopp was talking about, but whatever it was, it sounded exciting and amazing. Whatever this 'soccer' thing was, maybe he should watch it sometime…

And Usopp was still going on.

"But he knew he couldn't do the same trick twice, because otherwise everyone else would see through it, and none of his fans would like him anyway. So this time, as soon as he took possession of the ball, he kicked it sideways, just enough that it didn't leave the boundaries, and gave it a spin. While it flew around everyone, he gave a mighty leap all the way from one side of the court to the other, and with a great kick, scored the second goal with 40 seconds left to go! Next, when he stole the ball, he kicked it so hard down that it burrowed a passage through the earth, and the spin made it come up again, right in front of the other goal. And the goalie was so shocked that it rolled right past him, and-"

Sanji, who was unfortunately (for Usopp's story and Chopper's happiness, at least) still onscreen, rolled his eyes and interrupted.

"Okay, you say that my commercial wasn't 'real'? The story you're telling is even less real."

"It's not!?" That was probably the ultimate look of shock and betrayal on Chopper's face. He had been so looking forward to watching this 'soccer' thing…and it wasn't even real! The tragedy!

Usopp, however, was entirely oblivious to the betrayal that he had committed.

"Is too!" Usopp was arguing. "How would you know? You can't even-"

But Sanji wasn't willing to listen. He turned back to the camera, and with an irritated, "Just watch soccer." turned off the camera without further ado.

"Well, that wasn't bad," said Robin, who was now looking up from her book.

"Wasn't bad!" exclaimed the Boss, throwing his hands up in exasperation as he finally lost his temper. "No! It wasn't bad at all by your standards, and that is precisely what is getting on my nerves! The only half-decent commercial you could get wasn't even you, which means that even if I do use this abomination for the Soccer Union's commercial, I still need three more commercials made! I can't believe that I wasted my time and money on you people! I can't believe that I thought I could talk with you and convince you to make a few more decent commercials! Here! A thousand berri for filming Portgas D. Ace and Captain Smoker! Now get out and stop wasting my time!"

Since the Boss wasn't exactly an 'enemy' in the sense that he was someone they wanted to physically harm, the Straw Hats rushed out (with Nami glaring down at the thousand berri bill in her hand, Luffy dragging the still-sleeping Zoro by the collar, and Robin walking as calmly as if a furious, raging man were not currently picking up a rake that was intended as a prop and poking at them with it).

Needless to say, the entire male population of the Straw Hats endured a severe clobbering as well as a one-hour lecture from Nami. Not that they had expected any less, seeing as how they had been promised fifty thousand berri per commercial, and had hence received only a two-hundred-and-fiftieth of what they were promised.

Gloomily the Straw Hats trudged through the town, seeking some other line of work.

It was only after they were paid for a two-day-long backbreaking mining job, had bought the necessary supplies, and set sail on the Thousand Sunny at long last that Nami raised the question, "Why didn't we just steal the supplies we needed like the pirates that we are?"

Shockingly, the thought hadn't even occurred to a single one of them.

Author's Note: Well, so ends this useless nonsense fic. Or not quite. I've got a short epilogue sort of thing in the making, but where commercials are concerned, this is finished. I hope you enjoyed it!

And yes, I'm aware that televisions, videos, and VCRs probably don't exist in the One Piece world.