Chapter 11: Encounters of the amazon kind
History teaches that in most circumstances, keeping silent is less damaging than blurting something harmful. Now we only have to start learning from history.
- - -
"Of course I know about his curse. I'm neither stupid nor blind. So spill, what's the matter?"
"It wasn't my fault! The idiot got lost and stepped in my way. I didn't even know he was there in the first place. I would have helped him if I knew that he'd turn..." Ranma stopped talking as soon as she noticed Akane's very puzzled features. "You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she asked gloomily.
Akane blinked a couple of times, then furrowed her brows in deep thought. "So, from what you are both telling me, you accidentally gave Ryouga another curse, right?" she deduced at length, very happy with herself.
Ranma really felt like an idiot. "What curse were you talking about?" she blurted, hardly thinking.
"The directional, of course" she shot back, then proceeded to smile in triumph. "What curse were you talking about Ranma?" she asked slyly.
Said martial artist proceeded to prove once more that regardless of form she could not outrightly lie when nervous. "Ah... you know... that is... of course I also meant the directional" she replied, following what passed for her sentence with an extremely nervous laugh.
Akane regarded her through half-lidded eyes. "Now I'm totally convinced" she followed, her words dripping sarcasm. "I'm going to find out sooner or later, you know. Just tell me what's the matter. I might be able to help him somehow."
"I don't know what you're talking about" came the response and Akane raised a brow. She could detect no lie in her voice this time, no nervousness or agitation.
The currently pigtailed Tendo girl kept walking next to her former body, whose eyes were turned away. "So you have nothing to do with whatever curse Ryouga was talking about" she asked again, not caring about the answer but wanting to check a theory.
"That's right, nothing at all" came the reply, delivered as calmly as possible.
Not losing a second, Akane snapped to her side, moving as fast as she could and clasping both of Ranma's shoulders. With a jerk, she twisted her former body on the spot, causing Ranma's bewildered eyes to meet hers. They were eyes filled with an unearthly amber glow.
"You are using the Soul of Ice to lie!" she exclaimed, partly satisfied her suspicion was correct, partly awed at the technique's vast array of uses. "Now I know this is important! I also know it has something to do with me." In reality, Akane had no idea whether the last statement was correct. She figured it could be a possibility and decided to bluff and fish for information.
Ranma sighed. "Sorry Akane, but I don't want to break a promise, even if you do have a right to know."
Gotcha! "So I really do need to know" she laughed, prompting Ranma to slap a hand on her forehead. "You can't hide from me!"
"I'm not talking about this anymore. Nope, not a word" muttered Ranma dispirited. "I made a promise."
Akane rubbed her nose in contemplation. "How about a hint?" she asked playfully.
"No!" bellowed Ranma, shuddering as she saw the cute pout on what used to be her own face.
"Please?"
"No way. I've given you more than enough hints. Besides we are almost there."
Akane was confused for a second. She had concentrated on the conversation and completely missed where they were walking to. She now realized they were nearing the Nekohanten. "Why are we here Ranma?" she inquired, not too anxious to enter amazon 'territory'.
The currently taller girl sighed. "If anyone can help it's Cologne. And I have a sneaking suspicion Shampoo's ramen was not so innocent after all. Kodachi dabbles with herbs and chemicals but our condition is magical in origin."
Akane accepted that, putting aside the previous conversation to Ranma's great relief. "I think we should try to keep it secret as much as possible" she proposed and Ranma nodded in accord.
- - -
Cologne felt them from a hundred meters away. Even though Ranma was taking great pains to conceal his real strength, she had still learned to sense and recognize whatever he would let through. The amazon elder regarded her heir, debating what she should do. Shampoo seemed like a wreck for some reason, only a shadow of her usual bubbly self. The absence of Mousse meant the two of them had to work more, too. Fortunately, the evening rush had yet to start. In the end, Cologne decided to do the usual.
"Xian Pu, son in law and Akane are heading this way. Will you wait or go ahead and greet them?" she asked gently.
Shampoo seemed to come out of a trance. At first she frowned, then her features mellowed and she nodded. "Xian Pu go greet husband. Too too happy airen comes here" she exclaimed and Cologne marveled as life returned to her bleak face. Not waiting for a retort, the amazon maiden left the Nekohanten fast enough to leave a dust cloud in her wake.
Cologne sighed. "I only hope you can get over him before he chooses" she muttered, knowing very well what the chances for that were.
- - -
At first Ranma was confused when she realized she could sense Shampoo closing in. Every time the amazon was in collision course, she was invisible to her senses. She then remember the current situation and his head snapped towards Akane. At first she couldn't see it but as she concentrated more she detected a foreign chi manifestation. Now knowing what to look for, she blinked in awe at the display. A cone of energy started from the amazon's position and extended to completely engulf her former body.
Ranma smirked. Now that she had seen the technique, she would figure a counter within the next couple of days. It was really a lesser form of Umisenken, she noted, designed to make the user completely disinteresting to one person. Her smirk grew wider as she regarded Akane. Now we'll see who lets whom hang all over them...
Akane, completely oblivious to the amazon's approach, raised a brow at Ranma's gleeful smirk. Before she could comment, though, she was assaulted by something she had never sensed coming. That something wrapped itself around the displaced Tendo girl, its appendages close to choking her.
"Wo ai ni, airen" came the greeting and Akane's eyes went wide as Shampoo appeared out of thin air and started rubbing herself all over Akane's current body.
Where the hell did she come from, she thought, still utterly stunned by the sudden appearance. The fact that she could only use a fraction of her lungs' capacity did noting to improve her cognitive abilities. Shampoo's actions were also quite distracting to say the least.
Ranma could barely stop herself from chuckling aloud, reduced to mere muffled giggles. Akane had accused her time and time again how she would willingly let the amazon 'hang all over' her. Ranma did note Shampoo's smug face, directed towards her, but she ignored it lest she let go and died laughing.
Akane did not miss the exchange. At first she blinked at her fiancée's apparent mirth but soon realized its source. After that she started growing angry, especially since Shampoo's ministrations kept growing in fervor. How dare she do that to MY fiancée her mind screamed. Glancing towards her former body though, caused her to snap out of it really fast. In Ranma's eyes she could clearly read the challenge. So that's how you want it, she thought determined. I'll get out of her grip without hurting her too much before you know it.
At first she tried to squirm free. That proved a mistake, since it intensified what the amazon was already doing, exiting all the 'wrong' places on her body even more. Frowning, Akane attempted to push Shampoo away. A moan from said amazon and a snort of laughter from Ranma made her realize just on what her hands were. Embarrassed, angry and a bit envious, she quickly let go of the other girl's assets, throwing the evil eye towards Ranma that was red-faced by that point. Shampoo thought it was because 'Akane' was angry, but the real Akane knew better.
Even more determined, the Tendo girl decided to use plan C. Moving fast, she tried to trip Shampoo, hoping that loss of balance would cause her to let go. The amazon would have none of that, of course. As soon as she saw Akane's foot moving, she gripped at her even harder. Her legs left the ground and coiled around Akane's back, holding firmly while she used her body to jerk forward.
Akane was not ready for something like that. With only one leg to support both of them and with no time or mind to use any of Ranma's weird techniques, she found herself completely off balance and falling. She was even more stunned when the amazon caused both of them to spin in the air. Akane hit the ground hard with Shampoo right on top of her. There was no real pain involved, but the Tendo girl was still off guard and the amazon took advantage. Moving fast, Shampoo used her elbows to trap Akane's arms just as her knees trapped her legs. She then used a chi technique to firmly attach both of them to the ground, denying Akane the leverage she would need to shake her off. Finally, her hands firmly gripped Akane's ears, preventing her head from moving and her lips went to claim her 'airen's' lips.
Up until that moment, Ranma was perfectly content to sit back and enjoy the show. When Shampoo tried to kiss her former body, though, she felt a very distinct pang of jealousy. Even if it was her body involved, that was still Akane and nobody else would kiss Akane if she had anything to say about it. Ranma smirked, manifesting a blue-tinted mallet out of thin air. Instead of hitting something with it, though, she simply inserted its hilt between the two approaching mouths. Both Shampoo and Akane were stunned when they kissed something hard instead of each other's lips.
- - -
At first Shampoo had been puzzled. 'Ranma' was behaving differently today. Instead of sitting still and guarded, she was leaving all sorts of openings to her advances. She had soon shrugged and had taken advantage of said openings ruthlessly. By the time her lips met the warm mallet handle, she was already on cloud nine. Then the realization crashed in and the day's weariness came back with a vengeance. She had spent the whole morning sneaking around the Nekohanten to produce her potion, she had found Ranma and Akane 'making out', she had been ignored while they bickered, her plan had been thawed by a crazy gymnast, who she had failed to kill. Now she had lost her chance to kiss her airen, a rare commodity by her book.
Something in the amazon snapped as she produced twin bonbories out of hidden weapon space and attacked 'Akane'.
Ranma certainly did not expect an assault from Shampoo but she was hardly caught off guard. The amazon's quick and deadly one-two opening combo might have hit Akane but she effortlessly breezed around it. "Look Shampoo there is something you need to know" she started, only to stop when she had to duck and dodge both maces as they swung on irregular tracks. She somersaulted above the next swing and above Shampoo, only to skip backward to avoid yet another wide swing. The amazon finished her vicious about-face hard enough to crack the pavement, then closed her eyes and briefly concentrated.
"You really need to stop and listen" tried Ranma again, yelping as the twin bonbories became imbued with a layer of teal chi. Her eyes narrowed as Shampoo started thrusting both extremely heavy weapons at half-amaguriken speed. The young Saotome had to move really fast to dodge every single one of them.
In the meantime, Akane went from stunned to angry to concerned to impressed very fast. After nearly swallowing a mallet handle, she fully intended to shove it down Shampoo's throat. When Shampoo attacked Ranma, her first instinct was to try and save her fiancée. After all, she knew at an intellectual level that the amazon was stronger than she was. She stopped short when Ranma started dancing around the lightning-fast attacks like they were nothing.
Ranma, on the other hand, was growing angry. At first she had been thrilled to fight Shampoo like that. Being in a weaker than usual body allowed her to cut loose a bit more than the norm. When the amazon started using serious techniques, though, her brows narrowed. Ranma had no problem dodging, but Akane could have been seriously injured. The displaced Saotome had no delusions of what would happen to Akane's body should one of the hyper-charged bonbories catch her off guard. Deciding to finish this fast, she leaped towards Shampoo, her foot touching one bonbori and using it as a stepstone to jump again and behind the amazon. Shampoo rapidly spun around once more, sacrificing a bit of her balance to move faster, when Ranma stroke. Akane blinked as her former body vanished and somehow reappeared behind the amazon. The air vibrated violently, creating a halo of dust around them.
Shampoo also blinked, then her eyes went wide. "What happened?" she asked meekly. A second later, both bonbori heads fell to the ground, severed from their hilts and leaving deep craters at the points of impact. The amazon followed suit as both her legs went numb and refused to obey her orders.
- - -
Cologne knew something was wrong as soon as she sensed Shampoo attacking Akane. Swearing about idiotic heirs and stubborn girls she hastily pogo-ed her way towards ground zero. She reached just in time to see 'Akane' using a very intricate flash-stepping technique to incapacitate her granddaughter. She could barely follow Ranma as she neatly knifed through both Chinese maces and still had time to press a cluster of pressure points that paralyzed Shampoo's legs.
"What happened?" asked Shampoo and that brought the amazon elder back to reality.
"That's what I want to know" she followed, eyeing both Ranma and Akane curiously. At first glance there was nothing weird about their auras. The Tendo girl had been training more, but not enough to excuse such skills. A more through investigation revealed 'Akane's' chi was way more structured than usual.
"Sorry about that" quipped Ranma, causing both Shampoo and Cologne to raise a brow. "Me and Akane seem to have switched bodies" she added, then her mood darkened. "And I want to know if there is Amazon magic involved."
Cologne didn't know if she should cackle, gawk or face-fault. "I propose we talk about this somewhere more private" she suggested at length, approaching her wide-eyed heir and resetting her legs to normal. Shampoo stood up but made no effort to move. Muttering curses in Mandarin and Russian, Cologne grabbed her hand and literally dragged her back to the Nekohanten, motioning the other two to follow. She then proceeded to shoo away the last two customers and lock the front doors of the restaurant.
"So, Xian Pu, do you have anything to say before we hear the story? I believe I have forbidden the use of potions. So, did you disobey me?"
Shampoo managed to hide her nervousness fairly well. "Xian Pu no make more love or hypnotic potions" she stated, keeping a straight face.
Cologne sighed. "You did not answer my question, granddaughter. You know as well as I do that these kinds of potions are a tiny fraction of what we can do."
The amazon girl gulped. "Xian Pu not know how to make mind-switching potion. No use in using that. Xian Pu not even know they switched" she added, looking at Akane mortified and gaining a glare.
The amazon elder rewarded her heir with a knock on the head. "I know that. I have never heard of such a potion myself" she declared, causing everybody's eyes to go wide. "This is why I persist. This goes beyond the current situation. If you made such a potion by accident, we need to learn the recipe."
Shampoo's resolve seemed to falter. "Xian Pu no make mistake" she added, avoiding everybody's eyes.
Cologne went to say something more, but a deafening sound from the kitchen stopped her. "What in the..?" she started, her eyes bugging out as Mousse stumbled in.
"How's everybody?" he slurred, his frame wobbling to and fro.
Shampoo was the first to reattach to reality. "Mu Tzu? What wrong with you?" she asked, trying to hide the very real concern she felt.
"By Dionysos" exclaimed Cologne exasperated. "He is drunk" she followed, using her staff on his head and causing him to crash on the floor.
Mousse raised his head, eyes glazed, and regarded the rest of the room's occupants. "What's with all here?" he inquired intelligently.
The amazon elder sighed. "We are trying to determine whether Xian Pu has been playing with potions again" she replied, not really expecting any information from the intoxicated hidden weapons master.
"No probs!" he returned happily. "I took care of Xian-chan's potion. No danger at all."
Mousse blinked, trying hard to comprehend the ensuing scene. Cologne had a hand slapped on her face while Ranma and Akane were trying their best to glare holes through Shampoo, manifesting two very impressive battle auras. Said cursed amazon was doing her best to look cute, innocent and mostly harmless, although the effect was spoiled by the fact she would glare back at him half of the time.
"Did I say something wrong?" he hiccuped, futilely trying to return to his feet.
- - -
05-05-07: I hope this chapter has been entertaining. It came a bit more late than what I'd like, but I did post a Ranma one-shot for your enjoyment. I have to say I wouldn't want to be in Shampoo's place. Was that a difficult day or what? And it's not over yet, either. Be sure to keep an eye out for the next chapter, where Cologne will hopefully divine just what kind of potion caused such... interesting times.
Remember: Reviews are the tiles that pave the endless road to perfection.