Consciousness was swift and slow like molasses all at the same time, his senses suddenly alert and sending their crazed signals to a brain that couldn't quite shake off all the lint from the dryer cycle it had just come out of. There was no panicked thrashing this time, though that surely wasn't by choice; his limbs felt heavy and numb, and it took all his concentration just to wiggle his fingers.
The movement brought an odd sensation to his wrists that reminded him of wearing a shirt with too-small cuffs, a chafing that felt unnatural enough to make him lift his arms to investigate. When his arms wouldn't lift, John took a deep breath and lifted his head to peer at the disloyal body below his neck.
Seeing the restraints doused his synapses with cold water, washing away the fuzziness that remained and flooding his throat with anguished screams.
-I can't-I can't…oh god, find the flame, it has to be there somewhere-
Even reaching out with every fiber of his soul found nothing familiar, only an empty silent nonentity that he'd never felt before…not anything, not the latent buzz of the electricity that crackled in everything, waiting to spark, not the deep heaviness of the rivers of liquid rock that flowed hundreds of miles underneath, so hot he couldn't help but feel it in his bones.
The emptiness was so wide and deep it had only one explanation, the explanation that John's frantic mind rejected again and again, but still it demanded to be heard no matter how loud he screamed. You're not one of us anymore.
He pulled air violently into his lungs, feeling it rip through his raw throat, but even the threat of losing his voice wasn't enough to keep the word from exploding out of his mouth.
"TRAITORS!"
XXXX
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kitty snapped at Headmistress Munroe, having slammed open the door to the office for effect rather than phasing through it. "He's been up since yesterday morning and Logan tells me five minutes ago?"
Storm was on her feet in an instant, ready to defend her decision. "We knew you would want to see him, and we didn't feel it would have b-"
"Did Bobby and Pete know?" Kitty narrowed her eyes at the taller woman.
"Yes."
"But nobody told me." She shook her head in disbelief. "I thought I was part of the team."
"And teammates protect each other." The headmistress held up a hand, cutting off Kitty's rebuttal. "You have to know that John-he's not taking it well-"
"Would you?" Her voice was incredulous. "You're telling me I can't see him because he woke up on the wrong side of the bed?"
Heaving a dark sigh, Storm gestured Kitty over to her desk where she could see the screen of the computer monitor that had taken up residence there. A few mouse clicks and suddenly the screen was filled with a figure writhing on a bed, ankles and wrists wrapped in leather. Furious screams and obscenities intermingled with graphic threats emanated from the speakers.
Kitty closed her eyes and pressed a hand over her mouth. "Turn it off," she mumbled.
"He's been like this since he woke up," Storm said softly. "Every now and then he settles down for half an hour or so, but every attempt we've made to talk with him sets him off again."
"So you're just going to keep him tied up in the basement like an animal?"
Storm's silence was a painful affirmative, and Kitty once again slammed the office door as she flew out of the room, angry tears brimming at the corners of her eyes.
XXXX
It seemed like months had passed since Rogue had left, but Bobby knew it was only days. A couple of weeks, at the most, but he didn't dare count them out on his calendar. If he had an exact number, it would be all he could focus on during his waking hours.
He'd thought maybe she wouldn't come back, maybe now that she could touch anyone she wanted that she wouldn't want him anymore. In the dark, before he fell asleep at night, he wondered what kind of man he was; if he would be happy to see her or if he would turn her away.
He turned himself inside out and upside down, but no matter which way he looked at it, all he saw was doubt. He doubted her, he doubted himself, his feelings, his own convictions.
Then when he found her sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at him with fearful hope in her eyes, most of his doubts slipped away with his breath as it fled from his lungs.
"This isn't what I wanted."
"It's what I wanted."
They stayed in his room that night, despite the disapproving looks he drew from Storm and Logan when he told them where she'd be. Typically it would have bothered him to think he'd let them down somehow, but hey-he was old enough to buy cigarettes and lotto tickets and save the world. Bobby figured he was allowed, if not downright entitled, to be intimate with the girl he loved whom he had never been able to touch until now. And screw the grownups.
XXXX
Rogue was asleep at last, her moon-colored streak tracing a pale river through the spill of her dark hair over the pillowcase. They had lain together for hours, not even needing to move, the press of skin to skin a thrilling enough novelty for them both. Her slender fingers had traced the outlines of his face like a map, following the same route over and over again until she was familiar with the path of his brows and the curve of his jaw line. Finally her fingers had halted in their meandering journey, and Bobby opened his eyes to the vision of her in serene slumber, peaceful and adorned with nothing more than a line of starlight down the length of her body from the edge of the blinds.
Careful not to disturb her, Bobby pulled on a pair of pajama pants and padded towards the stairs, hoping a drink and some fresh air would help clear his head of the buzz of activity that had been a recurring presence over the last few weeks.
Walking out the French doors onto the small courtyard nestled into the mansion just past the kitchen, Bobby found that he wasn't the only one avoiding sleep. Kitty sat on the stone wall that edged the patio, clad in shorts and a T-shirt. Her hands rested in her lap, and in them she clutched a beer bottle that was open but still mostly full. Bobby made as much noise as he could to avoid startling her, but Kitty didn't so much as glance up at his presence.
Setting his can of soda up on the wall, Bobby hopped up to join her. "No sleep for you either?"
Kitty shook her head. "Rogue doing okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, she's doing okay. Better than okay." He gestured at the bottle in her lap. "Guess we're all doing our part to turn the mansion into a house of sin tonight."
"It tastes like urine. I don't know how anyone could actually enjoy this stuff." Despite her less than glowing review, she lifted the bottle and tilted her head back to take another swig, grimacing as it went down.
"I hear it's an acquired taste." They were silent for a while, listening to the sounds of the crickets and the gentle whisper of a breeze as it made the leaves around them shudder. Looking over at his forlorn teammate, Bobby felt a twinge of guilt. "I'm sorry, Kitty."
She turned her head to fix him with a confused stare. "For what?"
It was a valid question. To be perfectly honest, there was quite a lot he should be sorry for. "We shouldn't have kept it from you. I mean, we were worried about you, but…it wasn't right."
"No kidding." Another swig of beer, another wrinkle of her nose.
"Have you tried to see him yet?"
"No." Kitty turned her eyes downward, let out a soft snort. "Now I'm afraid to go see him."
"I don't blame you." Bobby's snort matched hers. "And I thought he was bitter before he left." Shaking his soda can to ensure it was empty, he jumped down off the wall and offered Kitty a hand. "Ready to head in?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm gonna stay out a little longer. Tell Rogue I said welcome back."
"Sure. 'Night, Kitty."
"Goodnight, Bobby."
Despite his pleasure at sliding back into bed with his girl (who smiled in her sleep and wrapped an arm around his chest), Bobby couldn't help but feel a dark disquiet that followed him into a restless sleep full of dreams about ashes and hurtling down into a never-ending abyss.