Chapter 3

Sonea breathed in the cool, stinging air of the morning. It was unusually cold for the season, but she sighed in contentment at the sharp freshness. The Guild was always quiet in these early hours, about an hour before most people started to get up and prepare for their classes. There were one or two people about, all of them familiar faces to Sonea. "Morning," she said to a fellow novice whom she knew from sight but not name as they passed eachother, a familiar procedure between her and the other early novices.

After a refreshing half hour in the Baths, she walked back to her favourite bench in the gardens and took out a book, drying her hair with one hand, just as the sun began to defeat the clouds and the gardens were drenched in tentative, early sunlight.

--

Akkarin stood distractedly at the window of Lorlen's office, gazing outside as he waited for the Administrator to get his cup of tea and meet him. His eyes focused on the single figure seated on the bench nearby, her dark hair without it's usual shine since it looked pretty damp. Just looking at her, sitting there morosely, evoked feelings of almost fierce care and an urge to keep her from any kind of harm. He shook his head in resignation. He felt too attached and it was amazingly inconvenient. A small voice at the back of his head, the almost-extinguished voice of the young, daring Akkarin who had set off out of the Guild gates so many years ago, told him to stop looking at things in terms of convenience or propriety. So far, this voice had defeated every excuse he came up with that this was a bad idea, all expect the arguments that the difference in their status was considerable and that she may hate him after the stupid mistake he made that night.

He groaned inwardly as he remembered the events of that night. If only he had drank a lot more and passed out or something. Anything to have stopped him from nearly doing such a horrible act. But one thing he had been puzzling over ever since; how Sonea hadn't struggled much at all. She may have simply been shocked, overwhelmed... but what about when she held his hand? That was obviously not what someone in terror would do.

Akkarin sighed in agitation and continued to watch her absentmindedly drying her hair. Ever since that night this train of thought had been playing on and on in his head. First an unexplainably protective reaction everytime he saw her, then desire, then hatred for his own weakness, going over the impossibility of such a relationship, then tripping to a halt when he reached that part. That part when she held his hand. It was like a trigger which set things in motion that he realised he had had for a long time, but hadn't yet... unlocked.

Lorlen walked into the room behind him, sipping his tea and setting some papers on his desk. He walked up to his friend, who looked completely absent from the moment, eyes boring at something outside with unnerving intensity. He leaned forward to see that this person who had captured his friends undivided attention was in fact Sonea.

"You're worried about her, aren't you?" he asked.

Akkarin showed no signs of breaking his focus, but his eyes stopped looking so clouded, as if his soul had re-entered his body and returned to the present. "Well, obviously, as I am her guardian."

Lorlen raised an eyebrow, "Since when have you harboured such protective, paternal feelings for anyone?"

"Protective, yes," Akkarin answered, and added, though not quite paternal, to himself. "I'm simply anxious that she does well. She's the first novice I've been a guardian of afterall, so I don't want anyone thinking the High Lord isn't supportive enough of his novice."

"I think most know by now that she is sufficiently successful and sufficiently miserable under your care," Lorlen frowned, and returned to his desk. "I still don't understand why you did it. I know you said her potential was being wasted. But why make the seperation from Rothen so abrupt? She was just settling in, being accepted as an equal by her fellows-"

Akkarin sighed and turned away, rubbing his temples.

"-and now you've ensured she never fits in, not as long as she bears that incal on her sleeve and your constant high expectations of her aren't exactly comforting-"

"Lorlen, please," Akkarin interrupted, turning to his friend. He simply looked tired, not angry. "I know. I know all the things you're pointing out, and believe me, I hate myself for them all in equal measure. You've been my only real friend for a very long time, and I hoped that you, of all people, would understand that this is a subject better dropped."

Lorlen sighed and drained the last of his tea. "I'm only concerned for your well-being, and this whole thing hasn't seem to have been easy on your nerves. And, as always, I get the strong feeling you aren't telling me a crucial part of the matter. But I won't press on, because I know I'll lose," he smiled crookedly.

"And I truly appreciate that," Akkarin said fondly. "Well, Administrator, I'll leave you to it now. Plenty of complaints from our little family to solve."

Lorlen groaned in frustration at the prospect, then shivered. "Ugh, I've been meaning to move out of this draughty office for so long- I can never find the source of this cold air! Hadn't you said you'd look into it, Akkarin?"

"I haven't had the time recently, but I'll be sure to ah... investigate," Akkarin said with a small smile, and walked out of the office.

--

As Sonea's final class drifted to an end, she gathered her books and walked out into the garden, heading straight for the High Lord's residence, subconciously. But then she stopped herself. Ever since that night, she had been- almost without meaning to- eager to see Akkarin, even if it was from a distance. Especially if it was from a distance, actually- most preferably where he couldn't see her unwavering gaze and the reddening of her cheeks.

She sighed to herself. She didn't want to feel this way. It made everything so complicated. This was the man who had caused her misery for months, caused her to isolate herself from anyone she cared for. It's lust, it's simply desire, she said to herself for what felt like the millionth time. And she knew it was the truth- but only a part of it. Unfortunately, that small part was the one she absolutely refused to acknowledge.

She wanted to change direction and head towards the arena instead, and hope that there would be an interesting battle or practical lesson going on to keep her distracted, but her bag weighed heavy on shoulder, and the urge to drop her things off in her room was too great. With an inner groan of reluctance, she headed towards the grey, unostentatious building behind the gardens.

The door swung inward at her touch, as always. It was a simple bout of magic-one that she herself had learned and hurriedly put on her bedroom door after that night, making sure the door only recognised and admitted her touch. A part of her, though she hardly ever admitted it to herself, had the almost sick desire to leave the door uncharmed and allow him access. Sonea sighed in frustration again and dumped her stuff on her bed, then turned to gaze out her window. I'm only human, she reassured herself. It isn't a sin to feel sexual desire. And that's all there is to it.

"Sonea."

Sonea almost jumped out of her skin at hearing him utter her name at what seemed like very close proximity. She spun around to see Akkarin standing outside her door, a good metre back in the hallway. After making sure her voice wouldn't waver, she answered him. "Yes, High Lord?"

A fleeting expression of regret crossed his face at the way she adressed him, but it was so brief that the cold mask was back in place when Sonea blinked. "I wanted to inform you that the Administrator will be dining with us tonight. I've contacted Lord Yikmo already and your evening lesson is cancelled for today," without waiting for an answer, he turned, but then looked back into the room. "I don't need to remind you that some form of conversation is expected of you. Answering him in monosyllables- as seems to be custom at our usual dinners- would be rude," he added, and headed down the hall.

Sonea remained standing by her window until she heard his soft footsteps going down the stairs, then checked her reflection in her polished cupboard. Her cheeks were red and she looked anything but cool and reserved. She headed down the stairs and out towards the arena.

--

"Takan has really outdone himself today, Akkarin. Is there a special occasion?" Lorlen asked as he and Akkarin entered the dining room and took their seats around a table laden with Sachakan and Kyralian delicasies.

"Just celebrating the fact that your workload has eased enough for you to dine with your old friend," Akkarin said, as Takan entered with a bottle of wine and poured three glasses. He turned to him, annoyed. "Takan, where is Sonea? I told her not to be late-"

There was a soft rustling of robes at the door and she appeared in the doorway. "Excuse me for keeping you waiting, High Lord, Administrator," she said nervously and settled down in the seat Takan had drawn out for her. Her eyes met those of Akkarin's, which were focused on her with slight annoyance and curiosity as a predator's might be on their prey. She looked down at her plate hurriedly.

Lorlen greeted her warmly, and they started eating. Sonea mostly stayed silent but answered in an interested manner whenever she was adressed directly. But no matter how light hearted the High Lord and Administrator's conversation was, it felt to Sonea as if she and Akkarin were trapped in their own tense little bubble, and no exterior force could intervene with it's intensity.

--

Akkarin knew she wasn't aware of it, but his eyes strayed to Sonea constantly as they ate. One part of him was keeping up with Lorlen as he listened to his latest discovery about the city murders, but his eyes were following the curve of Sonea's collarbone up to the soft, pale skin of her jawline and chin, then to her long dark lashes and eyebrows, and her dark hair which she had let out tonight of the band which usually held it. The candlelight bathed her in a warm glow. He wanted to reach out and trace the downward curve of her lips...

"How is your Aunt and Uncle Sonea? I've heard you're providing a few neccesities for them and your little cousins. Is there anything more they need?" Lorlen asked Sonea, and both Akkarin and Sonea gave a small start and returned to the present. Sonea glanced up to meet Akkarin's warning glance. She turned to Lorlen, "They're well, Administrator. I try and visit them as often as possible, bringing a few essentials now and then. Though you know how proud Jonna can be, so I hardly ever bring them any money, just clean cloth, vegetables and so forth," she answered, hoping her voice sounded casual. Akkarin gave her a slight nod.

The rest of the evening passed with Akkarin and Lorlen doing most of the talking and Sonea concentrating on her food. As they moved on with their wine to the sitting room, Sonea excused herself and bid them goodnight. Akkarin watched her as she headed up the stairs.

"What is this preoccupation you have with that girl, Akkarin?" Lorlen asked quietly, sipping his wine.

Akkarin composed himself. "Nothing, Lorlen."

"I'm not blind, you know, my friend. And even though I cannot read you like an open book, I can still tell when something has capured your interest, even though those incidents are very rare," Lorlen continued. "That's why I'm so intruiged. In my many years of knowing you, very few things seemed to have... captured your interest like this, especially after you returned from your travels."

Akkarin pursed his lips and took a sip from his glass, pointedly remaining silent. What could I tell him, anyway? I don't really have a plausible excuse other than the truth... which he would find horrifying.

Lorlen sighed. "It seems that as time passes, you become more and more secretive, and you don't seem to trust me to know anything anymore." He set down his unfinished glass abruptly. "It's getting late, and I have a meeting with the Heads of Disciplines tomorrow morning."

Akkarin stood and escorted his friend to the door. He stood out there long after Lorlen's robed figure disappeared into the distance and looked out at the gardens bathed in moonlight, not really seeing it at all. Where on earth can this lead? He asked himself. Nowhere. It was a dead end, where his emotions were leading him.