Author's Note:

Please note that this is an AU (Alternate Universe) fic in which the events I write about could coincide with the actual events that happened in the trilogy itself. Those parts are far and few in between, but they help give a sense of time and form so it somewhat follows the actual event in the book but with a different direction and situations.

Chapter 5

Sonea sat down and leaned on a tree, content to close her eyes and simply listen to the soft slosh of the small stream's cold, crisp water. It felt good, for once in the entire week, not to think about Akkarin and the questions which had been in her head ever since that night. But her relief was short-lived as a soft rustle in the grass immediately jerked her to her feet.

Akkarin, black robed and composed even in the bright sunlight, stepped into her line of vision. He had an ever so slightly irritated expression on his face.

"Sonea. I need to speak with you for a moment," he said, and Sonea realised the irritation didn't reflect onto his voice. He sounded somewhat resigned, in fact.

"Alright," she answered warily, and sat down, feeling odd when he sat next to her. She could see the dull shine of his hair, the slight bags under his eyes which weren't there before, the texture of his lips which were pulled in a grim, straight line. Not again. Not now... she thought, as feelings which she had thought were gone surfaced again. But of course they wouldn't go. It had only been a week that she hadn't felt it... and that was only because I was avoiding him, Sonea added.

She tentatively leaned on a boulder and studied him without being too obvious. He seemed lost in thought for a moment, then his eyes met hers and he began his explanation. Sonea listened carefully, not only to the words but to how is tone changed at times, how his expression shifted slightly, how his body tensed as unpleasant memories were scanned over and relaxed when recalling his relief at returning to the Guild. One part of her was focused on him, the other part marvelling silently at the fact that she had managed to hold his piercing gaze ever since he began.

She didn't realise the time passing until Akkarin paused and got to his feet, crossing his arms. Sonea couldn't stop staring at the spot where she couldn't see, but knew, he bore the thin scars. Now she knew they had been numerous dagger cuts. "Go to your lessons now, Sonea. My favourite does not skip classes." The amusement in his tone was subtle and Sonea doubted she would have noticed it before today. The realisation gave her some satisfaction to have deciphered even just a little of the man she felt attracted to.

All of a sudden, she realised she couldn't hold his gaze anymore. "Yes, High Lord."

There. He had done it. He had spilled out what he had kept even from his best friend to his novice. With as little emotion as he could have thought possible, but still, he had gotten it out of his mouth. The humiliation, the heartache, he had recounted everything at it's basic facts to Sonea.

Akkarin stood up and walked into the dining room, sighing appreciatively at the delicious smells wafting from the kitchens. He set his glass of sumi on the table and moved over to the window, leaning out to breathe in the fresh earthy smell. It was raining heavily. Surprisingly, he didn't feel as vulnerable as he thought he would have after revealing such a painful part of his past. Instead, he felt... light. A weight was slightly off his chest. Oh it was still there, but a dull throb which seemed overshadowed by his life as it was now, right now. Slightly overshadowed by Sonea's presence, the memories slightly substituted by a new worry- what did Sonea think of him now that he had revealed things he never had?

He sensed her presence in the room even before she bid him good evening and took her seat at the end of the table. He answered similarly, and with a final glance out the window streaked with drops of rain, Akkarin turned to take his seat. He could feel that those expressive dark eyes were focused on him, but he still didn't look up. He admit to himself that he feared to see what would be reflected in them. Disgust? Pity? Even more hate? Each possibility seemed more heart-searing that the other.

But then again, he had never been the type of man to back down from a difficult task or confrontation. He was a calculated risk-taker, but a risk-taker nonetheless who had braced himself against disappointment countless times. What was so different now?

He looked up with narrowed eyes, and couldn't tear his gaze away when he did. The way the candlelight lit her soft features... she had changed into her plain, dark green dress which he had seen her in many times, but somehow, tonight, he felt like it accentuated her frame, her small curves; not very womanly, but strong. Her lips looked warm and smooth, her eyes lovely to him despite the bags under them which revealed her tiredness. Her shoulders were tense though, and her breath didn't seem steady. But as she reached for the plates Takan set out her grip was calm and firm. Why was she nervous? Surely she wasn't frightened? Or was it an intense wave of hate? All the previous doubts and fears arose within Akkarin and somehow they weighed heavier as he watched her. So he tore his eyes away and concentrated on the meal.

"Did you make sure you had all the notes for the lesson you missed, Sonea?" he asked in an attempt to both shatter the silence and ease the slight lump in his throat.

She seemed to be experiencing a similar constriction, for she coughed slightly and put down her wine fast. "Yes, High Lord. And went to detention with Lord Jorval as you... suggested," she answered, putting emphasis on the last word. Akkarin could not help but half-smile amusedly at her explanation, her heart lifting considerably at her tone. So she wasn't frightened or hateful after all... then why the nerves...?

"I expect after the ordeal with young Regin last year, most wouldn't believe you'd be getting special treatment- but an example needed to be set."

"I understand," Sonea answered, helping herself to some pachi fruit. "In any case, I used to help Lady Tya often in the library, so I got it done fairly quickly."

"I see," Akkarin took a sip of his sumi.

That seemed to put an end to the conversation, but Akkarin contented himself with glancing up every once in a while when Sonea was concentrating on her food. He watched her delicately bite into the fruit and lick her lips to get it's crisp sweetness. His hands clenched into fists.

Despite her outward indifference, Sonea seemed to be mirroring his actions. Her chest rose and fell a little too fast, as if the dress was constricting her despite it's loose and comfortable-looking fit.

Sonea fought to keep her actions steady and slow, but she could practically feel those eyes fixed on her with excruciating intensity. How could he be so damn focused like that... it was extremely unnerving and pushing her already tense nerves. Why wouldn't he just stop? Sonea was afraid of herself at this point. There was a tension inside her that she felt had been building... and his gaze certainly wasn't helping her keep it in check.

Extremely aware of his attention on each of her actions, she put down her knife and dabbed at her mouth with the napkin. "Thank you Takan, it was delicious," she said to the servant, who nodded in reply. Pushing back her chair, she rose and hoped her shaky- why were they shaky?- legs would hold her upright. "Goodnight, High Lord," she said as calmly as she could. He cocked an eyebrow- why was he making this so difficult for her?- and asked, "turning in so soon? Don't you have an evening class with Lord Yikmo tonight?"

"He got a sword injury while teaching a class yesterday, the Healers have advised him to take rest for the remainder of the week," Sonea answered, grateful for the change of subject to studies.

Akkarin stood up with an understanding nod. "Please relay my sympathies. I've heard his third years are an overly enthusiastic bunch," he added with a small smile. Sonea felt like her heart had lodged itself permanently in her throat.

"I shall," she managed to say, then inclined her head in a small bow. That voice... that way he held himself... she didn't know what absurdity she'd have uttered had she stayed in that room with him a moment longer.

What is wrong with me? She asked for the thousandth time. Alright, now that I know his reasons, I sympathise. I understand and respect him for the things he's had to do. But among these, when did such strong, focused desire come up? It seemed as if the foolish feelings that had simmered at the surface of her emotions ever since that night had suddenly plunged deep below the surface, gone to her core and was even trying to override common sense.

Akkarin was watching her with a hint of worry in his eyes. Sonea flinched, even though that one was probably the softest of his gazes she had ever recieved. Please stop, just stop... She managed a polite but strained smile and turned towards the staircase.

He watched her turn around and head up the stairs. Strands of her dark hair swayed free of the knot. He watched the movement until some impulse overruled him. He didn't know what excuse he was going to give; all he knew was that he needed to be in her presence, just a little, a little longer. "Sonea."

Her shoulders tensed and she turned around warily.

"I have some books which might interest you regarding the ah... subjects I told you of yesterday by the spring," Akkarin said tentatively. "If you could come to the library sometime tonight so I can give them to you, I'd appreciate it."

Something flickered in Sonea's eyes and she cleared her throat. "I'll be there."

Akkarin nodded and picked up his glass, heading out the door and towards the sitting room, trying to unclench his fist hidden in the large sleeves of his robe. Despite all the self-restraint and protocol he knew after years of dealing with the members of the Houses, he was unfamiliar when it came to putting a leash on desire.

He sat down and sighed, bringing the glass to his lips and dimming the lights. What in the name of the Allied Lands possessed me? He had just prolonged the torture by asking to see her again tonight.