Disclaimer: I don't own CCS it's owned by clamp.

Chapter 4
TRUTH OF MY YOUTH

(Syaoran's POV)

The truth had brought so much pain. Ninety percent of my existence, I did not understand myself. I'd look back at the past and try to explain to myself why I didn't put up a fight. She had all the right to hate me for it. What didn't make sense this time, was why I was feeling left behind. I felt as though I had just lost something precious and a sense of emptiness sheltered my heart. I had been on the computer for two hours. I was trying to avoid going to bed or being alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to think about her but despite my attempts, I couldn't stop. I was disgusted with myself. After everything I put Sakura through, I had thoughts of ruining her chances of happiness with another man. A part of me wanted to be the only man able to give her happiness. It was selfish, I know, but the thought of him touching her, holding her and…probably kissing her drove me crazy. This was the closest I had ever been to complete insanity. I wish she was home even if she was busy hating me or yelling at me. I would somehow feel better.

She left in such a hurry. She made sure he stayed outside the apartment. She perhaps didn't want him to meet me or see me. She thought of me as a threat to her so called 'independence'. I looked at the watch from across the room. Any minute from now she will walk in with tears in her eyes. She'll seek comfort in my arms. I'll lightly stroke her hair and pull her closer. I'll embrace her and wipe the tears from her eyes…just like old times. I took a deep breath realizing how pathetic I was being. I was not certain of many things but one thing I was sure of was that I would never get over the past. Our memories were meant to last for an eternity.

(Flashback)

I slowly opened her bedroom door. She stood in front of the mirror as beautiful as ever. She didn't notice me walk in. I crept behind her. I grabbed her slender waist and rested my head on her soft shoulder. She smiled then looked back at the mirror.
"You have no patience Syao." She said.
I softly kissed her neck "You were taking too long. Why do you always keep me waiting when you know that it kills me?"
She let out a giggle "I have to make a good impression on your mother"
I held her even tighter. "You always look good."
I took in the smell of her perfume while allowing my hands to play with hers. She turned around and passionately kissed my mouth. Waves of sensation tumbled down my spine. She wrapped her hands around my neck. I could hear her heart beat on my chest. We shared the same heart beat. We parted for a second before kissing again.
"Syao…" She moaned in between each kiss.
"Yeah?"
"We can't do this now. We'll be late for…" she moaned before finishing "the party."
I finally surrendered to her request. She released her arms from my neck.
"I think you ruined my makeup."
I walked up to her bed and sat at the edge.
"Sakura, lets not go."
She moved closer to me "Why are you suddenly changing your mind?"
"I know how my mothers' parties are like…in fact I know how my mother is like."
She looked surprise. I figured I owed her an explanation.
"I really want her to like me."
"Everyone likes you." I smiled
"Syaoran, you've been keeping me away from your mother as far as I can remember. Why? Don't you think she'll like me?" She sat next to me. I studied her expression. I knew I would never forget that look in her eyes.
"My mother is stubborn, even if she does like you she won't accept the idea of us as a couple. That's just the way she is."
She looked at me with intensity "I wish you told me earlier…"
"I'm sorry. It's a stupid party anyway. I just want to be with you, no one else matters." I touched her hand and gently caressed it. She looked so disappointed. I shifted closer to her allowing her head to rest on my shoulders.
"If you still want to go Sakura…we can."
She smiled and held unto my hand. "No it's okay"
I looked into her eyes. They were in many ways intriguing. She rubbed her nose against mine.
"We can stay here, in my room."

Her room had become our own secret place far away from all the noise and all the people. When she grabbed my hand I felt safe and home. We were both convinced that this is where we wanted to be. We only had each other. That was all we needed to immune ourselves from loneliness.
"Can I tell you a secret?"
She nodded like a small innocent child.
"I don't want to back home. I'm not afraid but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Everyone is expecting so much from me. They mistake me for someone I'm not. When I'm there everything I know disappears; even you Sakura. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm imprisoned. The only time I really know myself is when I'm with you."
She kissed me on the cheek "I wish I could do something."
I looked at her gorgeous face then held it in my arms "Don't leave me. Stay with me all night."
Her emerald eyes sparkled astonishingly. "I will. I promise."
I gently released her then looked around her room "I never noticed how much stuffed animals you have. Don't they freak you out?"
"You really don't get it." She chuckled.

I caressed her cheek. I always had the urge to touch her.
"I've got an idea lets have a slumber party."
I pulled a face that made her laugh.
"I know what you're thinking. Make up, pillow fights and all that girly stuff." She moved behind me and gently nibbled on my ear. I felt goose bumps invade my skin.
"That was just about it."
I could feel her smile.
"You're way off…all we do at this slumber party is…" she whispered "make out."
"I like the sound of that….."
………………………………………………………………………………………………
(Normal POV)

Syaoran slowly opened his eyes. His vision was blurry at first. He could tell that it was Sakura. He closed his eyes again thinking he was dreaming. He rubbed them then opened them again.
"Hi." She greeted with simplicity.
He sat up and looked around. He had fallen asleep on the chair with his head leaning on the keyboard. He looked at her again and felt nervous. He was relieved to see her. That was all it took for him to feel somewhat normal again.
"When did you get back?" He asked in a hoarse tone.
She sat on the table "Just now?"
His eyes wondered in a speculating manner "Were you watching me sleep?"
Sakura faintly smiled slightly tilting her head "Not really. I heard you call my name."
"That's impossible because I fell asleep."
"No…I clearly heard you say my name as I was walking to my room."
He laughed nervously and sat up. "What…what did you exactly hear?"
"You went oh Sakura."
He folded his arms and thought "Oh crap, I'm busted." He cleared his throat before releasing the next question.
"What kind of…oh?"
"It was a moan. You were like oooooooh Sakura."
He had to think of something and fast.
"Um…you must have been hearing things."
The truth would have sounded like this 'Sakura I just can't stop thinking about you and us. It's driving me crazy. Though it hurts when I think about you I somehow feel better when you're around. Please don't go out with him again. I need you more than he does."
Sakura looked at him with uncertainty "Maybe you were talking in you're sleep."
"I don't talk in my sleep." He lied.
"How do know?"
Syaoran sighed "I know because- I just know. Will drop the topic already."
"Were you dreaming about me?" She sounded more irritated than amused.
A blush of shame crept up his face. He wanted to crawl under the table and never come out. He avoided her eyes as he attempted on fixing another flaw with one of his influential lies.
"No…are you crazy?"
She smiled affectionately and to his disbelief, believed every lie he fed her. She was naïve to his unfair advantage.
"It's not really any of your business but I just thought you should know that Ryu is actually the guy Tomoyo wanted to hook me up with." She blushed "Isn't that just weird. He's not a complete stranger after all."
Syaoran nodded. He knew what her true intentions were and what those words really meant. They meant she was going to see him again. She liked him a lot and throughout their conversation she was thinking about him. It explained her coyness and her pink cheeks. She referred to him as Ryu and not Ryusuke- she, in one day developed a familiarity with him. When they were an item she called him Syao. He loved the way she used to say it. He would never let anyone else call him that.

"That's nice." He said artificially.
"You look tired…beaten up. Maybe you should go to sleep. It's nearly 1:00"
He sat back "I'll try."
"I can cook you something if you're hungry. I'm a mean cook you'll feel better."
He just wanted to give something back- maybe a kind a word.
"I'm fine. I'll just go to sleep."
She nodded her head and stepped off the table. "Good night."
"Good night."

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

Wednesday evening started like any other evening. Sakura was looking forward to watching television and trying out her new recipe. She decided to do it all after a short shower. She felt like it was required after a long hard day. She wished she had the courage to quit and pursue something that would do a little more for her career. While all her friends were strengthening their careers; hers seemed to be heading downhill.

She stepped into the shower closing the shower curtain. To her surprise, the tap was already on. Without putting too much thought to it, she stood under the shower letting the hot water run all over her. There was something magical about taking a shower at the end of the day. She felt as thought everything that was negative and hurtful was being washed away.

Meanwhile Syaoran had the same idea in mind. A soothing shower was all he needed to feel better. He walked steadily from his room into the corridors. Sakura's room was closed-as usual. "I wonder what she does in there." He asked himself before quickly ignoring the thought. He opened the bath room door, took a step in then closed it. There was steam everywhere. He exhaled in order to release the stress. He took off his towel and tossed it on the towel rail. He opened the shower curtain and suddenly paused. His eyes widened and time stood still. He couldn't help extending his glare. She stared back at him not knowing what to do. Suddenly she screamed and he immediately closed the curtain and grabbed his towel.
"I'm sorry Sakura!" he said as a blush of shame crept up his face. He didn't know whether to run out or apologies again.
"It…was…an accident." he swallowed hard and bit his lip.
"Go away!" Sakura yelled. He could imagine the rage in her eyes.

He stood in his room with the towel still wrapped around his waist. He tried to erase the image he just witnessed. The picture of her thighs and her figure that screamed perfection; and that was not even the icing on the cake. It was wrong and he knew it. Sakura would not believe him. She would hate him even more. There was an aggressive knock on his. It was her. He walked back and forth in panic before opening it. Sakura was standing before him in her bathrobe. Her hair was still wet. Drops of water dripped on her shoulders.
"Why would you do that Syaoran?" She asked in a calm and unexpected tone.
Syaoran felt like a victim of an unfortunate event. He knew that one day he'll look back at it and be glad that he accidentally walked in on her but now he just wanted to justify himself and prove to her that he is not what she believes he is.
"Didn't you find the tap on?"
She looked up at him "What's your point."
"I turned the tap on because I was going to shower."
Sakura was not convinced. He could tell that she was trying to stay calm.
"Since I came here you've pretty much invaded my privacy. My bedroom doesn't have a key, the bathroom doesn't either. Now you've crossed the line. Do you know how embarrassed I am."
"So am I. You are not the only one who has been exposed." He wanted to remind her that he was naked too in the hopes that it will equal their humiliation.
"I don't know what to believe anymore. Sometimes I think you do this on purpose."
"Come on Sakura. I thought you knew me better that. Why the heck would I attempt something so…so perverse." He said in a harsher tone.
"I don't know Syaoran. I'm not sure of the person you are. Maybe you are not over the fact that…" she paused. She wanted to think a little more before saying something that would completely jeopardize their familiarity.
"Say it Sakura…make me the bad guy again."
Sakura looked down "…not over the fact that you managed to take away everything I had; except for one thing. It must be some kind of minor set back." She raised her voice.
Syaoran looked furious and defenseless. "What's that?"
She looked up at him this time with tears in her eyes "my virginity."
Syaoran froze. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was hurt that Sakura thought that of him. After all the wonderful years they shared together that was her conclusion.
"That's bull." He paused then glared at her dramatically "Who are you? Is that what you really think I'm after?"
Sakura folded her arms as the tears began to stream down her eyes "You are not a nice person and I hate you!"
Before she could walk away Syaoran yelled "Don't walk away…tell me the truth is that what you really think I am?"
Sakura took five steps ahead before she paused. She nodded her head; after that she couldn't move. Her whole body was numb. She had a distinctive feeling that he was watching her with the utmost of hurt in his eyes. She wished she could turn around and tell him that she had overreacted. The only thing she was sorry for was for letting those words slid. Those words were only a portion of what she really thought and were never able to say.

He kept his eyes fixed on her. He never thought that Sakura could be so harsh. This time he felt like the prey and not the predator. They will never be completely at peace with each other unless they both decide to forgive and forget the past. Pretence wasn't good enough. It had become a competition of who-can-hurt-who-more and who-can-pretend-to-feel-nothing-the-best.
"This is insane. What's wrong with us?" he said.
His voice made her tremble.
"Sakura if that's what you think of me I'm willing to accept it. I can't make you change your mind. I just don't want to fight with you anymore."
Sakura remained silent.
"I can't do anything to change the past but I can try to give you back everything I took from you. I don't want anything from you." The last bit was a lie. There was one thing he wanted from her and that was for her to love him again.
She turned around responsively "There is nothing you can do." She sounded very sincere and her voice produced an angelic resonance.
Syaoran still felt upset but as hurtful as she was trying to be, he still wanted her so badly.

A/N: I hope you liked it's different from the previous chapters. It's a little more dramatic. A few secrets are revealed about Syaoran and Sakura's past relationship. PLZ Review it.