She was just beginning to realize that she had hurt him. For a long time she didn't think most men experienced the emotional high and lows women felt. Just because they were so bad at expressing their feelings didn't mean they didn't have them. She wasn't exactly an open book herself.
Pete was a mistake but he was also an emotional roller coaster, somewhat an exception to her rule. All she had to do was look at him and she could see his emotions plastered all over his face – an easy read but she doubted there was any depth. Jonas Hansen was domineering and somewhat emotionally distant. She had been surprised that he proved to know a lot about her. She didn't think he had ever bothered to put any effort into their relationship.
And what of O'Neill, he rarely let anyone behind the façade. He kept the team at arms length with humor or sarcasm or anger and, especially for her, military discipline. The team of buddies seemed at times so superficial. She needed to see and feel some depth of emotion. She realized, almost too late, it was what he did everyday. His steadfastness, loyalty, honor and self-sacrifice screamed his love for them – for her. So much so, that words were shallow in comparison. Yet she needed to hear the words. And one of the hardest things in her life would be for her to tell him how she felt. To express her feelings in words were to acknowledge them, to make them real, to tell not only him but the world.
0o0o0o0o0
He thought he could feel her unease as she lay in his arms. He had thought she was in the state of post coital bliss. He certainly was and struggling to stay conscious.
"What's the matter, baby? You okay?"
"You've slept with other women?"
"You've slept with other men, should I be worried?"
"No."
"You're jealous?"
"Yes."
He nuzzled her neck below her ear and whispered softly "Samantha, I love you."
His lips followed his words and tears slipped down her cheeks. She didn't want him to say he thought of her when he was with other women. It would have hurt. They had something that should have been hers and her fear, indecision, career, who knows, was to blame.