Disclaimer: I still don't own them (
Dedication: star fantasy 29-The title for Chapter One-"Beards, Bathrooms, and Lonely Hearts"-was by her. It was meant to be the title for the actual fic, but I'm now sure how much longer beards and bathrooms will feature in the story, but it was fitting for chapter One.
And now, onwards to Chapter Two
Chapter Two: Where the size of Draco's yoo-hoo is mentioned frequently.
From: Ginny
To: Hermione
Subject: WELL!
Why haven't you replied yet? What is Malfoy doing in your office? Is he really in leather pants?
Is his butt as good as I remember it?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: WELL!
Dear. Miss Weasley,
Please refrain from having off-topic conversations with my secretary during work hours, as quite frankly, it is none of your business what I am doing in her office.
And, yes, I am wearing leather pants. However, last I heard you were engaged to Scarhead, so what my butt looks like in them has nothing to do with you.
In my opinion, though, it looks pretty damn good.
Have a nice day.
Draco Malfoy.
Dear Curlz,
Thanks for your last letter. I just started a new job today, and it's really not going well. My boss groped me, and the woman who works under me is a complete-well. You know.
Anyway, I'm going to see a new Muggle film tonight-something about an opera and a man in a mask. It sounds incredibly dull, with people leaping around and singing, but it keeps my mother happy.
Cold.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Handcuffs
You were joking, right? You will get some new ones, won't you?
To: Ginny
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Handcuffs
We'll see.
You could just think about the bathroom thing. I mean, it's not that dirty. I don't know why you won't do it.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Handcuffs
I've told you: Bathrooms freak me out.
On a completely different subject-do you know why Malfoy is in the ministry? And why he's in Hermione's office?
To: Ginny
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Handcuffs.
WHAT?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Malfoy
Ugh, Gin, you won't believe what's happened. Claire-my old boss-has decided not to come back to work after her baby, and they've replaced her with Malfoy.
My life is over.
He's being a complete prick, as well. He's calling me his secretary. I'm the assistant head of muggle relations! (Now a proper department, thanks to your wonderful father!)
Gin, Harry just walked in and he looks mad. Do you know what's up with him?
To: Ginny
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Your fiancé
Please could you ask your fiancé not to punch me on the nose again, as it is quite painful.
Thank you.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Harry
Harry just punched Malfoy! Oh, it was great, I-
Hold on. Someone's IMing me. Don't they know the minister of magic can read all of our conversations?
Iamsexy: Granger, are you emailing Weasley again?
Hermy: No.
Iamsexy: Well, none of the work I asked you to do as my secretary would require the use of a computer.
Hermy: I'm not your secretary! I am your co-worker. And 'Iamsexy'? Could you be more vain?
Iamsexy: I could try…
Hermy: You're an insufferable prat, do you know that?
Iamsexy: At least I get paid well for it.
Hermy: I know, I've seen your car.
Iamsexy: If you're angling for a lift, Granger, forget it.
Hermy: Actually, I was just thinking that a car that big has got to be compensating for something…
Iamsexy: Excuse me! The size of my…thing…is none of your business.
Hermy: I wouldn't want it to be Malfoy, now shut up.
Hermy has logged off
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: Facial Hair
Do you think a goatee would suit me better? They're cool, right?
To: Ron
From:
Subject: Re: Facial Hair
I have no idea, Ron. But I'm not sending out another mass email, so don't ask.
To: Entire Ministry
From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic
Subject: Do some work, the lot of you!
While you all know I can read your Instant Message conversations, you are unaware I can access your emails. While reading these fascinating little gems, it has struck me that none of you are doing any work, these few in particular:
-Miss Granger: Stop wittering on about your love life (or lack of it) to Miss. Weasley. Also, please bring doughnuts to book club meeting.
-Mr. Malfoy: Miss. Granger is not your secretary, so stop bossing her around. Also, please stop harassing her on AIM. And you're right; your butt looks delightful in leather pants. Please don't wear them to work again, however, people keep fainting. Justin Finch-Fletchley has been out cold for an hour now.
-Miss. Weasley: Have you done anything today at all? While I'm sure Miss. Granger's love life is fascinating, and, yes, Mr. Malfoy is sex-on-legs, and handcuffs are of vital importance, but you are paid to DO WORK.
-Mr. Potter: Stop this bathroom nonsense, tell Ronald Weasley to get rid of any facial hair, and go back to work. And while you're at it, tell Mr. Weasley to come back and do some as well.
To: Ginny
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Sex-on-legs?
Sex-on-legs, eh? I didn't know you felt that way, Weasley.
To: Malfoy
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Sex-on-legs?
Shut. Up.
To: Malfoy
From: H. Potter
Subject: Justin
Justin Finch-Fletchley?
Score.
To: Potter
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Justin
You're just pissed your girlfriend called me sex-on-legs.
To: Malfoy
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Justin
Yeah, well, so did Ron.
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Counselling?
Granger…does the ministry offer free counselling for the greatly disturbed?
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Counselling?
Why? Did you realise that Justin's was bigger than yours?
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Counselling?
Not you as well! I'm not screwing Justin Finch-bloody-Fletchley!
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Counselling?
Aw, did I strike a nerve?
To: Entire Ministry
From: Ginny
Subject: Our right to privacy!
Fellow workers,
This new revelation has left many of you seething with anger, I'm sure. The ministry have no right to be spying on our private conversations. We need to rebel! Go on strike! Demand our privacy back!
And, as Harry hasn't mentioned Bones' last email, I'm assuming he's not talking to me. I don't really think Malfoy is sex-on-legs, sugar bumpkin.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
A Strike? Ginny, you're just cross she put your message in bold print.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
I'm not cross about the bold print. I'm flattered.
To: Ginny
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
Don't lie, Weasley. You can't wait to get into these leather pants of mine.
To: Malfoy
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
Not really, Malfoy. Word on the street is there's not much in them.
To: Ginny
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
GINNY! Don't call me sugar bumpkin in public!
Actually, don't call me sugar bumpkin at all.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
Sorry, sugar bumpkin.
To: Weasley
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!
WHAT? Who told you that…GRANGER!
Sexonlegs: Granger, stop telling people my dick is small.
Hermy: Don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy.
Sexonlegs: Like hell you don't.
Hermy: Why don't you go and ask Justin to comfort you?
Sexonlegs: SHUT UP! You know, you're lucky I don't complain about this to the minister.
Hermy: Why would the minister get herself involved with something so trivial?
Sexonlegs: I will have you know, the minister likes me a lot. Too much, actually. She spanked my ass earlier.
Hermy: Oh, God, she didn't!
Sexonlegs: There are some nice images for you at your book club meeting. Don't forget your doughnuts now, Granger.
Sexonlegs has signed off
A slighter longer chapter today. Yay! Lonely Hearts Anonymous was meant to be the main part of this story, but it seems to be going in a completely different direction. Oh well, it's more fun this way. Anyway, now is the time for you to go and review!
Next time: Ron comes back to work, Draco is annoying, Justin comes clean, Hermione forgets to write coolasice a letter back, and an AIM conversation. Or two. Or three.
Thank you for all your reviews! Give me more! XD!