Chapter Five: Where very little actually happens.
To: Entire Ministry
From: Security
Subject: An offer you can't refuse!
Picture the scene: Ron Weasley, an auror, enters the men's toilets. He is carrying a black object under his arm. He reveals the object to be a pair of leather trousers, usually seen on Draco Malfoy's lean, muscular…ahem, long legs. He removes his own trousers and puts on Malfoy's. He struts his stuff in them for a while, before taking them off.
Well, trying to anyway.
Weasley then spends a few minutes hopping around tugging at the tight material. He falls over a few times. He then disappears, before coming back in with a laptop in his hands. He does something on it. Moments later, an angry Malfoy appears. Malfoy wraps his arms around Weasley's legs and tugs. It looks like a scene from a bad gay movie. Hermione Granger appears, looks amused, and performs a spell. Weasley and Malfoy look ashamed, presumably wondering why they didn't think of that.
We have these moments on video, thanks to our new technology. And they can be yours for only 17 galleons! Email our head of security, Blaise Zabini, today!
Hannah Abbott
Secretary to Mr. B Zabini
To: Zabini
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Don't you dare!
Zabini, if you sell a single one of those videos, I will make sure you lack a very important body part.
To: Malfoy
From: Blaise
Subject: Re: Don't you dare!
No can do, mate. I've already sold them to most of the ministry. Justin Finch-Fletchley bought two. Are the rumours about you two true?
To: Zabini
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Don't you dare!
No they bloody well aren't. What about you and Parkinson? She said something about screwing you.
To: Malfoy
From: Blaise
Subject: Re: Don't you dare!
Parkinson? I haven't seen her in years. Sure she wasn't trying to make you jealous?
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Well?
Well, how was your date with Malfoy? Or was he too busy getting it on with my brother to go?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Well?
They were not getting it on! Besides, it wasn't even a date. We just had coffee.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Well?
Hermione, are you jealous? That email was a bit exaggerated you know, it looked nothing like bad gay porn. I mean, ok, there was some touching involved, and some positions…ok, so security was right. But it doesn't mean anything. Malfoy was just helping Ron out. Of course, if you "just had coffee" you shouldn't really care.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Well?
You're right, I don't.
To: Ginny
From: Justin
Subject: Draco
Ginny, is Draco dating your brother? Because he told me he wasn't gay, and, well…he is. Why doesn't he like me?
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Well?
You keep telling yourself that. Still, how did…coffee go?
To: Justin
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Draco
He isn't dating my brother, and he isn't gay. And don't email me! I'm not your 'girlfriend' or whatever it was you called me in the hallway yesterday.
To: Ron
From: H. Potter
Subject: Malfoy
Not you as well. Why is everyone in love with Malfoy all of a sudden? Justin, Pansy, Ginny, Hermione…
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Well?
It was…nice. He's actually a very nice person when he's not being a git or making sarcastic comments about my friends.
…Good Kisser.
To: Ginny
From: Justin
Subject: Re: Draco
Fine. Pansy's my friend.
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: Re: Well?
What? Since when did Ginny and Hermione like him?
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Well?
WHAT! You kissed? No wonder you were jealous! Ooh, what was it like?
To: Justin
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Well?
Good for Pansy. Now, leave me alone.
To: Ron
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Malfoy
Hermione's dating him, Ginny appears to be fantasising about him, and WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU DENYING LIKING HIM?
Ginny: Hi!
The rubber duckies left: Hi. Let me guess: You want a faster way to interrogate me about last night?
Ginny: Damn right! You two kissed?
The rubber duckies left: Yes.
Ginny: How many times?
The rubber duckies left: Um, a few.
Ginny: Ooh, I miss first kisses. Now I just get these very familiar, very sloppy ones of Harry.
The rubber duckies left: Well, whose fault is that? You're the one who chased after him for nine years, you should be happy.
Ginny: Actually I went off him during my fourth year, so technically it's only eight.
The rubber duckies left: Oh please. The only time you went off him was when you accidentally walked in on him on the toilet!
Ginny: Accidentally?
The rubber duckies left: Ew, Ginny!
Ginny: And don't change the subject. Did you sleep with him?
The rubber duckies left: Ginny! Of course not. Although…
Ginny: Although? Although what?
The rubber duckies left: Well, I thought about it. I mean, seriously Gin, the guy can kiss.
Ginny: Ooh! When are you seeing him again?
The rubber duckies left: I don't know.
Ginny: Well quit talking to me and find out!
Ginny has logged off
The rubber duckies left: Barmy.
The rubber duckies left: Definitely.
The rubber duckies left: What? Who the hell is that?
The rubber duckies left: Draco.
The rubber duckies left: How did you get on my account?
The rubber duckies left: I'm not. You're on the entire departments.
The rubber duckies left: Oh…wait! Does that mean everyone's read the conversation!
The rubber duckies left: Yes.
The rubber duckies left: Who are you?
The rubber duckies left: Hermione.
The rubber duckies left: I know you are: I'm talking about them.
The rubber duckies left: What?
The rubber duckies left: Who's here?
The rubber duckies left: I don't know!
The rubber duckies left: This is all you fault, Granger.
The rubber duckies left: Look, everyone go on their private accounts and then we won't all have the same username.
The rubber duckies left: I thought it was more fun this way…
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: Re: Malfoy
Oh, um, denying. Right. I hate Malfoy.
To: Ron
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Malfoy
Wow, what enthusiasm.
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Tonight
You free tonight?
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Tonight
I might be.
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Tonight
Well, I figured you might want to spend a bit more time with me, as I'm such a damn good kisser…
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Tonight
And so modest.
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Tonight
I try.
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Tonight
Of course you do. I'll give you some extra lessons tonight.
To: Granger
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Tonight
You'll come then?
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Tonight
I'll give you some extra lessons tonight.
That was me saying yes, you idiot.
To: Entire Ministry
From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic
Subject: (None)
As of 12:00 today, all email accounts and AIM conversations will be disabled thanks to our wonderful team in MagicTech. Have a nice day.
Ok, so, worst chapter yet. Chapter six should be much better. I think.
Reeviiiiiiiiiew!