Holy majoly! It's been over two years! I'm so lazy, I swear.
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. And a good thing too, the characters would have starved to death in a dusty box if it were up to me. Except Draco of course, I'd always take him out to play ;)
Chapter 7: In which Draco may or may not be pregnant.
To: Entire Ministry
From: Ginny
Subject: Party
Omg! I can't BELIEVE I was ill on the day of Hermione and Malfoy's party! And a pool party at that! Do you know how desperate I've been to see certain males in this place half naked?
And what is up with this universe, anyway? 1 billion spells in the world and not one to cure a common cold?
Anyway, I want details. I want to know everything.
And don't come near my office today, I'm still ill and there's phlegm everywhere. It's not pretty.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Draco has a pineapple fetish.
And looks delicious in a swimsuit.
To: Weasley
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Party
Such a shame you couldn't come. The Weasley family were almost outnumbered by non red-haired people.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Party
So, um, at the party, I met this girl…
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
!swoons amidst pile of mucus-y tissues!
Don't suppose you took photos?
And…pineapples? Ew. What kind of fetish? He looks at naked pineapples, or he wants you to do some kind of…sexual act with them?
To: Malfoy
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Haha, very funny Malfoy. Did Hermione set up Ron and Justin like I asked her to?
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
What do you mean "you met this girl?"
Just so I'm clear: Is this an "I'm breaking up with you" kind of conversation, or a "please forgive me" kind of conversation? Or are you just telling a really random and ominous sounding story (made the aforementioned adjectives due to scary looking dots.) Just so I know how many sarcastic/pissed off comments I need to start preparing.
To: Weasley
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Party
Thank you, I thought so. And she tried. I think the presence of a pierced nipple on Ron was something of a turn off for Justin.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
I have a video of him doing the limbo if that's of any interest to you. He isn't very good. He ended up throwing a strop and locking himself in the kitchen (probably do to god know what to pineapples.) after it turned out even Neville was more flexible than him.
And, yeah, the pineapples. He was caressing them and cooing. He did mumble something about me stroking his skin with them, but I think I blocked the rest out.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
It's a please forgive me kind of conversation. I was really, really, drunk, and kissed her. But I stopped as soon as I realised what I was doing! Gin, you know how much I love you. Please, please, please, forgive me.
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Hello
Drakie! I need you to forgive me. I did something very stupid last night, and I…I think I might be pregnant!
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
The video was of interest to me, until I learnt that Harry has no self control whilst completely hammered. Why the hell didn't you tell me he was making out with some slut at your party?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
HARRY WHAT?
To: Malfoy
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Ron's got a what? When did that happen? I thought I told him not to! He didn't get the ring with a…piece of male genitilia pendant thingy attached, did he? Oh, I told him, I told him not to…
Ugh, I was so sure he and Justin would be perfect for each other.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Hello
Um, ok. I don't really care, Parkinson. Who's the poor fool who's managed to make devil spawn with you?
To: Dickhead
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
…Was there tongue? Were there bathrooms?
To: Weasley
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Party
Why? Because they're both gay? You know it's entirely possible there could be-gasp-more than two gay people in the world, and therefore-gasp-Ron and Justin might not be"meant for each other."
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Re: Hello
It's yours, Drakie!
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
You didn't see the kiss? Are you sure? So they weren't like, rolling round the bathroom floor or anything?
What was that loud bang, anyway? Did it come from your office?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Draco just fell off his chair.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Party
No! I was so drunk I don't think I could've controlledmy tongue enough to use it, if I even wanted to. Which I didn't. I love you.
To: Malfoy
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Oh, ssh, Malfoy. I just think it's time Ron found some one to love. He's pining.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Hello
WHAT? That's not possible! We didn't have sex!
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Babies
Is there a spell to get pregnant without having…you know?
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Babies
…Why? And not that I'm aware of.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Oh. Hee. Why? I like it when Draco falls. And hurts himself. And dies rolling in a pit of his own misery.
…I may have some unresolved anger from Hogwarts.
…Or I'm fantasising it's Harry instead.
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Re: Hello
To be correct Drakie: we haven't had sex recently.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Babies
No reason.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Well, you certainly have some kind of issues.
Um, Draco keeps talking about babies and pregnancy. I don't want a kid yet!
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
…Maybe he's not talking about you.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Hello
Ok, but you said your mistake was made last night. Therefore I haven't fathered any children.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Well then, who? And WHY?
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You.
YOU GOT MALFOY PREGNANT, YOU BASTICH!
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Harry! And Malfoy! OMG, I can't believe our fiancées are having a baby. I can't believe Harry said it was just a kiss! And he wouldn't even admit to there being tongue! You know who I blame for this? RON! Ron and his stupid, mid life crisis that turned him gay! He's given them all ideas! And you know what their ideas led to? BABIES!
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Re: Hello
Oh, Drakie, you're so clever. But the father wants nothing to do with me or the baby. My daddy will disown me! Drakie, you don't want to see me and my child out on the street, do you? Drakie, MARRY ME!
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Um, Gin, that's not possible. They're missing quite an important part of anatomy for baby-making, seeing as they're both male and (I'm assuming) have penises.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Oh. Right.
…Oops.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Party
Please tell me you haven't confronted Harry about this.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
…Course not.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Hello
I don't blame the father, whoever he is. You're a little bit psycho. And, no, I won't marry you.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Party
Um, what?
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Party
Um, nothing. Shut up. That wasn't me!
To: Pansy
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Hello
You know, one of these days Drakie I'm not gonna take you back. You're always so mean to me.
Broomstick Babes-1 galleon
PARKINSON FINALLY MOVES ON
By Neville "Shagadelic" Longbottom
Pansy Parkinson, the beautiful and alluring ex-girlfriend of Draco Malfoy has finally moved on from her highschool sweetheart. Parkinson had reportedly been pining for her long lost love, and was said to be refusing to believe his engagement to Hogwarts brainbox, Hermione Granger. She admitted to the Quibbler earlier this month "Drakie and I belong together, and 'Little Miss Buckteeth' will soon have to face facts. Drakie's father and my own daddy are arranging our wedding as I speak."
However, in a Broomstick Babes exclusive, I can report Parkinson has admitted defeat. Sobbing in my arms last night, Parkinson admitted that Malfoy had been spurning her advances for the past month. She then fluttered her eyelashes at me, saying that she just wishes she could find "a nice, rich wizard" to make her "feel like a woman." Suffice to say, I was more than happy to perform her wishes, and give her some much needed comfort.
Now Parkinson has been officially shagged into forgetting Mr. Malfoy (thanks to yours truly ;), I'm sure she'll be ready to embark on a new relationship with one of our readers, so get stalking men!
And if you have any doubts about dating this female, you'll be pleased to know I didn't forget to take my magic invisible sex camera into bed with me! Turn to page 6 to see pictures of our night of passion!
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Bloody hell
NEVILLE's the father?
And what position was that anyway? The flying toadstool?
Not that I read Broomstick Babes, or anything.
Next time: The beloved ducks return! Harry writes poetry! Everyone finds out about Pansy's pregnancy!
Wheeee, I'm back! Try not to hit me too much for such an uber long delay. I promise frequent updates from now on I've pretty much finished writing the remaining chapters wheeeee. (I figured I'd better not update until I was sure I could keep them constant from now on.)
Not much has changed though, I still love reviews. So go and press the button! in creepy furby voice Feed me! Feed me!
I miss my Furby. Silly thing broke!
And if anyone has some ideas for a half decent summary for this I would be eternally grateful.