I told you there would be punctual updates from now on :P
Chapter 8: The return of the ducks
To: Entire Ministry
From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic
Subject: Bloody ducks
Whoever has decided to replace the normal ministry desktop wallpaper with a bunch of rubber ducks, get to my office. Now.
To: Harry
From: Hermione
Subject: Ducks
Harry, why are there ducks swimming around my computer screen?
To: Potter
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: FUCKING DUCKS
Every time I try to open an Office Document, this "helpful" office assistant keeps popping up and quacking. I DON'T NEED HELP AND I DON'T LIKE DUCKS. Why do I get the feeling this is something to do with you?
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: Piercings
Justin said my nipple ring was "repulsive." Do you think he's right? I heard they were all the rage! It kind of hurts, though.
Oh, and what's up with the ducks on my screen, dude? I'm trying to look at some porn on the net and their beaks keep getting in the way. Unless this guy has a really pointy dangler. But then, I mean, ow.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Wtf?
The ducks are your fault, aren't they? Let me get this straight: you make out with some random at a party, you wimp out and decide to EMAIL me about it rather than tell me face to face, and then you dare try and remind me about a bathroom sex act I don't even want to do? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
To: Harry
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Thanks!
Harry, I LOVE YOU. Your little duck trick has completely made Drakie forget about a little incident that I don't want to talk to him about. He emailed me like six time about it yesterday, and I was totally ignoring him but he wouldn't shut up! But now he hasn't mailed me at all today, cos he's busy swearing about the ducks. You can hear him from two floors down. The grunting is actually kind of a turn on. Hmm. But, anyway, I think this is the first time I've been glad he doesn't want to talk to me. So, thank you, Harry, thank you!
And I have a spare room if Ginny kicks you out. I heard you two arguing in the elevator earlier. Is it about the blonde I saw you with at Malfoy's party?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Um
So, my conscience has kicked in. I think we should give everyone's engagement presents back; it feels unfair to trick them like this.
To: Ron
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Piercings
Ron, your piercing is ridiculous. Take it out. And get a hair cut.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Wtf?
I am so, so, so sorry. I set it up before the party incident and forgot to deactivate it.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Neville
Ok, Hermione has removed ducks from my computer. Life is good again, and I can go back to bugging you. I know you're ignoring me, Parkinson, but I'm not going to shut up about this. I mean, seriously, LONGBOTTOM? I never thought you'd stoop so low as to sleep with a Gryffindor.
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Re: Neville
You're one to talk.
To: P. Parkinson
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Thanks
Um, you're welcome? And thanks for the offer, but I haven't been kicked out yet, just demoted to the sofa.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Um
Hermione, this whole scam was your idea. And I've already sent the letter to the Prophet announcing that we've changed our minds about marriage.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Neville
Yeah, true. But the difference is Hermione's hot, Neville's an idiot who can't perform magic properly and so works for a porno magazine.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Wtf?
Mm, hmm. Right. Well it was worth it to see Malfoy get so worked up, anyway.
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Um
Just because you've sent the letter doesn't mean we can't return the gifts.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Wtf?
If I piss off Malfoy some more, will you forgive me?
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Um
But we got a Nintendo! I'm not giving it back! I rock at Mario Kart. Me and Princess Peach, we make a great team!
Besides, the letters been printed. If we were planning on returning the gifts, we'd have mentioned it then.
To: Malfoy
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Um
Princess Peach? How…manly. Did you like her outfit or something?
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Um
No, her hair. Did you see the poem Potter wrote?
Daily Prophet-5 knuts
Your Letters, your views
Star letter wins 5 galleons!
I am writing to you today to express my disgust at young wizards today. There are some down the road who keep levitating my bins and dumping the rubbish on my head. They have no respect for the elderly whatsoever!
If that isn't enough, my own grandson has chosen a most embarrassing career-writing for a repulsive, sexual magazine entitled "Broomstick Babes." I have never read this magazine and so I am unclear if the title is for either:
1. Alliteration purposes
2. To represent the images inside of girls sitting on broomsticks.
3. Or maybe it's some kind of pun, and the broomstick is actually a piece of male anatomy. But I can't see people wanting to see pictures of transsexuals. Unless males are now babes. In which case, my grandson is probably working for a homosexual magazine.
Whatever this ungodly magazine is about, I find it disturbing that such literary rubbish is gracing our shops. The wizarding world should be ashamed of itself! I remember when being a wizard was something to be proud about, now we're all more sex obsessed than the muggles!
-Mrs Augusta Longbottom
WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT
Miss. Hannah Abbott and Mr. Ernie Macmillan would like to announce their engagement. Their wedding will be taking place sometime this June (date to be announced)
Dearest Readers,
It is with great regret that my engagement with Hermione Granger has been called off. We both feel that it is too soon for us to be even thinking of marriage, and have decided to get to know each other better before taking the plunge. We both sincerely thank those who have supported us throughout our relationship so far, and hope you will all come to our wedding if we feel ready for it in years to come.
-Draco Malfoy
I'd like to recommend to you all a fantastic new hair product called "Snape's Sexilious Hair Serum" It is the latest in my Sexilious hair products line, and is once again brewed by myself with the greatest care. My new serum will make your hair grease-free and super smooth. Try it today! It can be found in all good hair specialists, supermarkets and pharmacies in the muggle world.
-Severus Snape
STAR LETTER
Ginny, this one's for you-
Ginny, when I see your face
My own lights up with glee
And my heart starts to race
And sometimes I need to wee
Ginny, I was so stupid
Please, please forgive me
We were brought together by cupid
Ginny, we were meant to be.
-Harry Potter-kiss kiss kiss! Mwah!
To: Draco
From: Pansy Parkinson
Subject: Re: Neville
He's actually very skilled in bed.
And I heard about your engagement, Drakie. I knew you'd see sense and break it off for me! When shall we announce ours? We'll need to get married soon of course; I can't go down the aisle with a balloon for a stomach.
To: TwatFace
From: Ginny
Subject: Ugh
What is the utter drivel printed in the Prophet? Are you trying to humiliate me?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Um
Oh, crap. People are gonna be so angry! I don't like it when people are mad at me! Can't we return at least some of the presents? Don't tell me you actually wanted the vibrating rubber duck Harry bought us.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Ugh
I was trying to be romantic! I wrote you a poem! What girl doesn't want a love poem written for them?
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Neville
What kind of drugs are you on, Parkinson? I'm not marrying you, you crazy nitwit.
…You have told Neville about the baby, haven't you? Are you sure he wants nothing to do with it? He may be a pimp now, but he's still a Gryffindor. They're very chivalrous.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Um
Granger, you're dating a Slytherin. You're going to have to deal with that conscience of yours if we're going to get along. And yes! Return the damned duck! It kept staring at me last night. Do you have Neville's email?
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Ugh
Sure, if the poem is private and well-written. This was just crappy and humiliating. And now the whole wizarding world knows we're fighting. Do you have any idea how many headlines we're probably going to make?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Um
Yeah, I have it. Why?
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Um
…Parkinson's Pregnant. Longbottom may have had a lil' something to do with it.
To: Harry
From: Hermione
Subject: OMG!
Neville got Pansy pregnant!
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Ugh
Oh, we're not gonna be making any headlines after what I've just found out. Pansy's pregnant…with NEVILLE'S BABY!
Broomstick Babes-1 galleon
WEASLEY SINGLE?
By Neville "Shagadelic" Longbottom
Looks like the wizarding world's hottest couple may be on the outs-Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley are rumoured to be on the rocks. Potter wrote Weasley a poem to try and salvage their relationship-but will she forgive for whatevers he's done? Watch this space, guys-the hot little red head might be looking for a new man soon!
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Ugh
Too late. My assistant just showed me his latest copy of Broomstick Babes.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Pregnant?
Is it true about Pansy and Neville? Harry seems to know something, but I'm too busy thinking up torture methods for him to ask.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Pregnant?
It's true. Pansy told Draco. Neville doesn't know yet, so DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Pregnant?
…oops.
To: Entire Ministry; The Weasley Family; Wizarding News Network;
From: Ginny
Subject: Read this NOW!
So, hottest gossip ever: Pansy's pregnant…with Neville's Baby!
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject!
What the hell did you tell Weasley for?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re!
I didn't, Harry did.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re!
Well WHO TOLD HARRY?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re!
Oh. Um.
To: ARSEHOLE
From: Pansy
Subject: FUCKING IDIOT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THAT FRECKLED FACED COW!
Omg, Nevie just emailed me. Omg.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: FUCKING IDIOT!
Nevie?
To: Fantastic Shag #893: P. Parkinson
From: Sex-bomb Longbottom
Subject: WHAT?
Is the email Ginny sent true?
Next time: Ginny meets Harry's bimbo! Blaise gets transferred to Muggle Relations! Neville has a breakdown! Penguins! Lots of IMing!
I had very few reviews for the last chapter sniff I feel unloved.
Give me mooooooooooooore!