Disclaimer: Still not mine -sniff-
Chapter 9: Where Neville freaks out just a lil bit.
To: Nevie
From: Pansy
Subject: Re: WHAT?
Oh, Nevie, I'm afraid it is. I wanted to tell you but…well, you're not very rich are you? I so wanted Drakie to be my baby's daddy but he's still smitten with that frizzy-haired whore.
But Nevie, I so don't want to do this on my own. Nevie, will you marry me?
To: Neville
From: Augusta Longbottom
Subject: Good Lord
Neville, is it true? Have you impregnated that hideous pug-like slytherin? Please tell me that it's just a rumour. Mrs Weasley just rang and told me that her daughter has found out somehow. If you've been telling your friends before me, Neville, you're in for a WORLD of pain.
My god, do you have no respect for our family's name at all? How COULD you bring such shame on me? You'd better be marrying this girl; I will not let my first grandchild be born out of wedlock.
Goodness, my poor heart. With your chosen pornographic profession and now this baby fiasco it's a wonder I'm still ticking.
Please think about your poor grandmother-who took you in and raised you since you were a baby, might I add-before making yet another rash decision.
To: Longbottom
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: You rock.
Thanks for taking Parkinson off my hands. She might stop bothering me now she's got a chance of getting a ring on someone else's finger. I owe you one, man.
To: Nev
From: Harry
Subject:
Dude, Parkinson? Really? Do you have no self respect?
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Yes!
The papers have stopped calling me about our argument; they're too busy bothering Neville and Pansy. My plan is working!
To: Entire Ministry
From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic
Subject: (none)
I am pleased to announce that Blaise Zabini, our former head of security, has been transferred into our muggle relations department, as Mr. Zabini has always had an ambition to "embrace his inner muggle and shake his booty about."
I am unclear as to what he means by this, but I'm sure Mr. Zabini will be thoroughly welcomed to the department by his fellow co-workers Mr. Draco Malfoy and Miss. Hermione Granger.
I would also like to congratulate Miss. Parkinson on her new baby, but must ask Miss. Weasley to stop talking about it and get to work. I want that report on my desk by lunchtime, Weasley.
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Blaise
Draco, why is Blaise playing with a toy car? I need him to investigate the exploding toilet down on Windemere Avenue! Why isn't he listening to me? Is he deaf? He's your friend, right? Could you tell him to go do it, please?
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Blaise
Blaise is used to working in security. They sit around all day and eat doughnuts. You'll need to give him a few days to adjust. And once he's adjusted, he still won't do anything. And, no, he's not my friend. He's a lazy git who kept stealing all my girlfriends in Hogwarts. I'd watch out if I were you.
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Blaise
Is that why he keeps staring at my legs? And you only had one girlfriend in Hogwarts, Draco, and Pansy was a perfect little lapdog.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Blaise
That's what you think. I saw them in the shower room!
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Minister
What report? Did you read her email? I can't give her a report by lunch! I haven't written it! I don't even remember being told about it! What am I gonna do?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Blaise
Draco, did I just hear a sniff? Are you CRYING?
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Minister
It was the piece on "Why Penguins are pure evil and are someday going to destroy the South Pole with muggle wands called laser guns." Ask Harry, he did some research for you.
To: Hermione
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Blaise
I was re-living it. It was a very emotional time for me.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Penguins
What do you know about evil penguins?
SexKitten: Hi.
Ginny: Hey. Who is this?
SexKitten: It's not important.
Ginny: Well if it's not important, then go away. I have penguin issues right now.
Ginny has logged off.
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Penguins
Attached: ,
Voila. If you need any more help, let me know babe.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Penguins
Don't you babe me. Penguins don't make up for anything.
To: Draco
From: Pansy
Subject: Nevie
Nevie hasn't replied to my email, and it's been HOURS. He doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby, does he? Omg, I'm going to be a single mother. I'm going to have to live in a TRAILER PARK.
To: Parkinson
From: D. Malfoy
Subject: Re: Nevie
Pansy, single mothers don't live in trailer parks. Well, some might, but not many. Besides, I don't think there ARE any trailer parks in Britain. You're not American white trash, Pans. Anyway, you've got a good job and your daddy's trust fund to keep you going. Stop trying to get me to feel sorry for you and GO AWAY.
SexKitten: Ginny, listen, it's really important.
Ginny: What do you want?
SexKitten: I need to talk to you about Harry. I read in the paper about your argument. Is it about what happened at the Malfoy's party?
Ginny: Him making out with some slut? Yeah. WHY? Did you see who it was?
SexKitten: Yeah. Gin, it was me.
Ginny: OMG! I should've guessed with a name like SexKitten! You're just some BLONDE BIMBO-Y SLUT aren't you? I KNEW IT! You're blonde, aren't you? With huge boobs? Well I'm SORRY if I'm only a 32B, but I would be OUT OF PROPORTION if I was any bigger. But if Harry wants a girlfriend who FALLS OVER cos her chest is SO FUCKING BIG then, fine. HAVE HIM, YOU OVER INFLATED WHORE!
SexKitten: Ginny, I just wanted to say that Harry loves you. As soon as I kissed HIM, he pushed me away. Please don't break up with him because I took advantage of him in his intoxicated state.
Ginny: …Well, that's very nice of you to say.
SexKitten: You will forgive him, won't you? You're such a great couple.
Ginny: Then why did you kiss him if you like us both so much?
SexKitten: I was pretty drunk too, and I've had a crush on Harry in forever. Since Hogwarts. Ever since this one time I couldn't sleep in our dorm, and so I was just watching him sleep like a beautiful, porcelain angel…
Ginny: Ew, over dramatic much? Wait…"our dorm?" You were in Harry's dorm? You're a…GUY?
SexKitten: Um. Yes. But Harry didn't know that. At least, I don't think he did. I mean, I was in drag. I often dress up, I just love being in heels, they make me feel so leggy and gorgeous. And if you're gonna wear heels, you might as well wear a wig, a dress and make-up too.
Ginny: OMG!Who the hell is this?
SexKitten: It's Seamus. Seamus Finnigan.
Ginny: OH MY GOD!
SexKitten: Ginny, there's something else.
Ginny: Oh, God, there's more?
SexKitten: Well, I've been thinking. It's time for me to settle down and…well…is Ron single?
Ginny: …yes.
SexKitten: Would it be ok if I asked him out? I mean, I need your permission first; I wouldn't want to do anything to spoil our friendship. Anything else, I mean.
Ginny: No, it's fine. Ron could do with a relationship to get him out of his current psychotic thought processes.
SexKitten: Cool. Great. Thanks, Ginny.
Ginny: Erm, yeah…no probs. Cya Seamus...
Ginny has logged off.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Idiot
YOU KISSED SEAMUS!
To: Ginny
From: Harry
Subject: Re: Idiot
No I didn't. Seamus is a guy! I kissed an extremely ugly girl (not a patch on you, honeybun) called Sylvina Titties!
To: Nevie
From: Pansy
Subject: Hello?
Nevie, please don't ignore me! I know marriage seems a little hasty, but it's the right thing to do! But it's ok if you want to take it slow. I'll understand. Just don't give up on us baby!
Love,
Pansy
xoxox
To: Neville
From: Grandma Longbottom
Subject: Neville, answer me at once.
Neville, answer me at once. You've got a lot of explaining to regarding this Parkinson woman. She rang the house earlier, looking for you. She sounded dreadfully common.
To: Entire Ministry; Wizarding News Network
From: Sex-bomb Longbottom
Subject: GO AWAY!
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP EMAILING/CALLING/OWLING ME! I DO NOT WANT AN INTERVIEW WITH ANY NEWSPAPER AND I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU PANSY BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY AND ANNOYING.
THIS IS A VERY STRESSFUL TIME IN MY LIFE AND I'M SCARED AND I WANT TO GO HOME BUT MY GRANDMA IS EVIL AND THERE ARE REPORTERS AROUND MY PIMP APARTMENT.
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH A HOOKER BUT THEY ARE ALL SCARED I'M GONNA GET THEM UP THE DUFF AND SO I HAVE NO WAY TO RELEASE THIS BUILT UP TENSION AND IT SUCKS.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FATHER BECAUSE I LIKE BEING A PIMP AND A HORNY MAN AND SO I AM GOING TO NEW YORK BECAUSE THEY SEEM VERY NICE THERE AND FRIENDS IS MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW AND IT SUCKS THAT IT ENDED. BRING ON A REUNION EPISODE!
PANSY I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T SUPPORT YOU AND PROVIDE YOU WITH THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE THAT YOU DESERVE. I PROMISE TO PAY YOU REGULARLY TO HELP YOU LOOK AFTER THE BABY.
GRANDMA, IT IS YOU WHO BRINGS SHAME TO THE FAMILY BY WEARING UGLY HATS AND SLEEPING WITH SNAPE ON A REGULAR BASIS. I THINK IT IS DISGUSTING WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR FREE HAIR SPRAY.
MALFOY, I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T GET RID OF PANSY FOR YOU BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL DO FINE ON YOUR OWN. I HOPE YOU MARRY HERMIONE BECAUSE SHE IS A VERY NICE LADY AND ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE SANE ENOUGH TO RESIST MY ADVANCES.
HARRY, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE AND STUFF AND IF YOU EVER COME TO NEW YORK THEN FEEL FREE TO LOOK ME UP.
ZABINI, I'M SORRY I SLEPT WITH PANSY EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU LIKED HER. I'M ALSO SORRY THAT I TOLD EVERYONE IN THIS EMAIL. I'M NOT THAT SORRY THOUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLYTHERIN AND YOU WERE MEAN TO ME IN SCHOOL.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO EVERYONE WHO EVER LIKED ME AND I WILL MISS YOU ALL.
HAPPY SHAGGING,
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM.
To: Drakie
From: Pansy
Subject: OMG
The father of my baby has LOST THE PLOT! He's a nutter! And he's abandoning me to go to New York! And he has an incessant need to use capslock! And talks kind of likes he's stoned. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
PaNsY: Nevie, don't you DARE even THINK about going to New York!
NBomb: I'm sorry Pansy. But what did I tell you about leaving me alone?
Sex-on-legs: Neville, you're being a twerp.
NBomb: Piss off, Malfoy.
Herm: Neville, you can't just abandon your baby like this.
Ginny: I don't blame him. Who'd want to have a baby with HER?
Herm: I little harsh, Gin.
Lightning: I think Ginny is COMPLETELY right.
Ginny: Stop sucking up to me, Harry.
Lightning: What's this about me kissing Seamus, anyway?
Ginny: Oh. Well, you did. He told me. He was in drag.
SexKitten: Sorry, Harry. I took advantage of you.
Lightning: I feel so violated!
GrannyLongbottom: Neville, how dare you publicly embarrass me?
SexySevy: And to be fair, it's not just free hair spray. I also give her the smoothing serum.
Sex-on-legs: How the hell did you people get in here?
LovelyLucius: Don't talk to your godfather like that, Draco.
Sex-on-legs: DAD?
Lucius: Severus, what has gotten into you? Augusta Longbottom?
SexySevy: She's very flexible for her age.
NBomb: Oh, God, I didn't need to know that.
PaNsY: I'm very flexible too, Nevie. Do you like that in a woman? I'll flex any way you like if you'll just do the right thing!
Lightning: C'mon, Nev, do the right thing! Put your gryffindor socks on!
Sex-on-legs: What kind of expression is THAT?
BZab: I think if Neville wants to go far, far, away, he should.
Sex-on-legs: You just want Pansy all for yourself.
PaNsY: I'm ok with that! Blaise, wanna come down to my office for a bit of…afternoon tea?
NBomb: See? You don't need me after all.
PaNsY: STAY WHERE YOU ARE. We'll call you a back-up.
BZab: I'll be there in five, sugarplum.
BZab has logged off.
PaNsY: Ooh, goody. He's rich, right?
Sex-on-legs: Pansy-you're rich anyway! It doesn't matter!
PaNsY: But you can never have enough money! Ooh, Blaise is here! Yay!
PaNsY has logged off.
NBomb: Yes! Cya peoples! Wish me luck taming the sexy ladies of NYC!
NBomb has logged off.
Next: The final chapter! Whee! Yeah, this one sucked. Maybe the next one will be better.
And also: wish me luck! I'm aiming to go to the Lavender Brown auditions next week. You can give me your good tidings in the form of a review wheeeeeeeeee! I had very few last week! Give me mooooooooore!
Also, I've made a new fanfiction awards site! The url can be found on my profile, so go check it out!