A/N: lol, I appreciate the amount of votes I got. 20 in less than 24 hrs. So . . . to all those who guessed Jean/Pants/other-incredibly-horrible-names. Ah, well,what can I say? You already knew you were right.
THE THING
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Subject: THE THING
Alright, what is that THING hanging off Harm's shoulder? You know, the one that looks like she's got a banana peel for hair and has had like . . . double injections of Botox or something?
Harriet
P.S: doesn't Harm look good?
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: THE THING
Harriet! That's not nice. Sure, she does look . . . a little . . . perky, but maybe that's just her nature. And I mean, come on, could we expect anything else? He's been living in London for six months. It's only natural that he would have . . . you know, found himself a girlfriend and –
Oh my god, THAT'S what we're driving in? That small little . . . van! How are we supposed to fit NINE people into that . . . thing?
Mac
P.S: Harriet, you're married with four children! You cannot look at other men!
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: THE THING
She was HANGING off his shoulder Mac! Can those feeble little spaghetti legs not hold her or something? And she keeps whispering things into his ear! His ear, Mac! That's so . . . WRONG! At any moment now she'll start licking it and . . .
Oh crap, we're at the back. I guess that's not SO bad. At least we're not sitting next to Pants over there. We'll go on either side of Jimmy and Nikki, sound okay?
Harriet
P.S: there's nothing wrong with looking, I've just got to keep my hands off.
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: THE THING
Okay, we've really got to stop e-mailing each other. Harm's staring right at us! Him AND Bud! We look really rude . . . we'll do it once we get into the . . . car like van. Is this really what Harm drives around all day?
And her name is Jean, not Pants!
Mac
P.S: yes, you WILL keep your hands off and keep your eyes to yourself!
Travel Journal of Sarah Mackenzie
Okay, I have been in London for TEN minutes. TEN MINUTES and already this is a nightmare. Harm has a girlfriend! I know I shouldn't be surprised – I know I told Harriet that I wasn't surprised. But dammit, this is a total shocker! All those day's we've been emailing each other, IMing each other, he never had the time to say, 'oh yeah, by the way, Mac, I have a girlfriend.'
And I KNOW I said nothing would come of this trip with Harm and I. I KNOW I said my feelings for him are over and there's nothing but friendship between the two of us. I KNOW, alright? But . . . this puts things in a whole other perspective!
Okay, so you probably want a blow by blow reenactment of our meeting at the airport, well here goes . . .
I see Harm and I'm waving. He looks as great as every, if you know what I mean. His hair's a bit longer, but not too much so that it's not a military hair cut, with his bangs sweeping against his forehead ever so gently. And those eyes . . . blue as the sky on a clear summer day. Not to be poetic or anything. And then he just turns and his eyes fall upon my own, and his face breaks out into a pure broad completely Rabb grin. And I melted. I mean that in the emotionally feels-like-physically kind of way.
And so he pushes through the crowd to get to me, all I can see is his head because, well – he's just so tall. When he finally manages to push himself so that we're three feet away from her – well, that's when I saw her. She was small, short enough to disappear into the crowd, which I guess is why I didn't see her in the first place. And she's a kind of dirty blonde, with excited blue eyes and little tinges of pink in her cheeks. I didn't need to know who she was, I could see names flipping through at the back of my mind. Annie, Jordan, Renee, BARBIE. And she's HANGING onto Harm's arm. Very literally. And I don't wonder why, the poor thing, that's probably the highest body part of Harm's she can touch. Honestly, she can't be more than five feet.
Anyways, Harm immediately pulls me into a one-armed hug (the other is still supporting poor Spaghetti-Legs) and keeps his arm looped around me when Harriet comes. I can remember her expression very vividly. She sees Harm with his arm around me and her face is alight with false hopes when she sees her, standing there with her head tilted on his shoulder. And instantly her expression dampens considerably.
"Uncle Harm, Uncle Harm!" And faster than a speeding bullet, Jimmy shoots towards Harm, clipping his arms around Harm's legs. Harm lets go of me in order to pick Jimmy up, resting the young Mr. Roberts upon his shoulders (oh yes, and real-life-Barbie let go of him proving she did actually have legs).
"Why, if it isn't AJ Roberts," Harm said in a mocking tone, bending down slightly to kiss Harriet on the cheek but not so much to unbalance Jimmy on his shoulders.
"Nuh uh, Uncle Harm, I'm not AJ!" Jimmy cackles, evidently having a ball with his long since departed uncle. "I'm Jimmy!"
"Why it must be the young Mitchell Roberts I've heard so much about," Harm taunts relentlessly. "Or is it Nikki?"
"No, no!" Jimmy screams in between giggles (Harm's tickling him). "Nikki's my sister!"
"Then you're Mitchell?" Harm teased, lowering Jimmy down from his shoulders as he sees Bud approaching followed by John Numbers 1 and 3. Jimmy looks up at him woefully. "Or would you be James?"
"I am," Jimmy piped up, extending a hand towards Harm. "But you can call me Jimmy."
Harm grins and ruffles Jimmy's hair as AJ comes running towards him. I swear, Harm's great with kids. He and AJ high five then Harm picks up Mitchell, bouncing him up in the air causing him to giggle. I swear Mitchell has the most infectious giggle I've ever heard. Harm puts Mitchell back on the ground, and then he and Bud hug. No, nix that, Bud and Harm would kill me if they read this. They perform a "manly embrace".
But all I can do is stare at that . . . woman . . . who is now fiddling with the hair on the back of Harm's head. And I can see Harriet's eyes trained on her too. Our thoughts merge together to form one – who are you and what the hell are you doing here?
I suppose Harm saw the direction of our gaze because he immediately puts one arm around Barbie Remake and says, "Um, guys this is . . . Jean."
As if THAT explains anything. I'm sorely tempted to raise an eyebrow but I'm afraid that would be deemed rather rude. Fortunately, Harriet cuts straight to the chase with, "Oh, nice to meet you Jean –" Harriet extends a hand " – so are you and Harm friends?"
And that's when it all came crashing down. Jean smiles, "Um, sort of. Actually, Harmy and I are kind of dating. I came to the airport actually, to see all of you 'cause I could wait to see my little Harmy's friends!"
HARMY! She calls him HARMY! I nearly gagged on – well, air! I can see Harm go a little red around the back of the neck and if ANYTHING good has happened since we landed here in London, it's seeing my flyboy get embarrassed . . . whoa, I just said MY flyboy. God, I did NOT get enough sleep last night.
"Uh, yeah, that's right," Harm says, us obviously treading on an unwanted subject. "Um, the van's in the parking lot so . . . shall we?"
And I do my very BEST not to let jealousy bite me here. Because I have nothing to be jealous about. I'm over Harm. My feelings for him have diminished. He is just my friend. I mean, a very good friend, but I maintain the fact that he is a FRIEND. And if any . . . unpleasant feelings are bubbling within me, then they're just because I don't think the girl's right for him, that's all. Yes, I'm just being a friend looking out for a friend, that's all there is to it . . . why can't I stop babbling.
Okay, so now we're in this crammed van – Harriet and I are in the backseat with Jimmy and Nikki wedged between us. In the middle there's Jean, Mitchell and AJ (AJ is promptly talking Jean's ears off – good on him) and Harm and Bud are in the front seats – Harm driving. And I'm –
Oh, I have mail –
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Subject: Plan of Action
Alright, Mac, let's discuss it. Here and now – what are we going to do? I can't honestly believe that Harm harbors any serious feelings towards Pants. It will only take a little for you to snatch him away from her. But we cannot perform this operation to the best of our abilities if we don't have a plan of action!
Harriet
P.S: if she pulls Mitchell's cheeks one more time I'm going to sock her.
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Plan of Action
Harriet, no! I told you, Harm and I are over. If there ever WAS a Harm and I there isn't any more. He's with JEAN. Not Pants, not Spaghetti Legs, not Life-size-Barbie. And if Harm catches us saying or writing any of these things we are going to be in so deep!
No plan of action or course of action or whatever! Let's just . . . enjoy the conference, okay?
Mac
P.S: restrain yourself – she's probably never been that close to a cute boy in her life.
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Plan of Action
First of all – I never called her Life-size-Barbie so I wonder who came up with that . . . hmm? And Mac, be realistic! No one EVER enjoys the conference! We all just go because:
a) we have to
and b) because we get to go out of the country! Or at least to a different state!
Harriet
P.S: I'm willing to bet you that's she's been closer to Harm then just the seat next to him. And wow, we've known her for the last ten minutes and already you've got a chip on your shoulder. Wonder why that is . . .? (wink)
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Plan of Action
I do not have a chip on my shoulder! And are you sure you never called her Life-size-Barbie? It sounds familiar . . . anyways, kindly do not place pictures of . . . JEAN (I was going to say Jean, stop laughing) closer than sitting next to Harm. This is not how I want my vacation to begin.
Second of all – I do not HATE Jean. I do not KNOW Jean. All I know is she's dating one of my best friends – and I'm HAPPY for him. HAPPY, I tell you! HAPPY!
And . . . look, we're at the hotel already so . . . could we just call this conversation quits? Or at least postpone until we are alone . . . harmless and perhaps even budless if possible?
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Plan of Action
Whatever you say but we WILL be having this conversation.
Harriet
P.S: doesn't the hotel look DREAMY? I can't believe JAG can afford this place! Honestly! Can you SEE that fountain!
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Subject: The Girls
They're talking about us, you know? Emailing back and forth on their blackberries. They were doing it last night in the plane too.
Bud
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: The Girls
Last night on the plane too? Huh. I mean, I knew they were emailing each other – it's been WAY to quiet in the back seat. Hmm . . . I wonder what they're saying . . .
Harm
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Subject: Guys
You have no idea how lucky you are, Harriet! I mean seriously – Bud's like the sweetest guy every, you've got four beautiful angelic children, a wonderful house, good jobs, nice relatives, friends and – ugh, I'm so jealous!
Why can't I meet one guy that would rather watch a movie with me then watch the Packers play the Redskins. I mean – is a little quality time so much to ask!
Mac
P.S: Are you guys seriously all sharing one room? Don't you think that'll be a little crammed?
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: The Girls
Oh, undoubtedly good things. Probably about us, too.I mean – if they weren't about us, wouldn't they just talk out loud? . . . and if they're about us . . . of course they're good . . .
Bud
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Guys
Well, I wanted to spring for one of those extra large suites, you know – with the three beds and lots of leg room and everything, but no – BUD just had to book us a normal room with two beds, next to no floor space, and he put one of those travel assemble-yourself-crib in one of our suitcases (he bought it yesterday) so that'll probably keep him busy this afternoon. We've never used it before.
And well, we can't put the boys in one bed 'cause they'll fight all night so we've worked it out that I'm going to sleep with AJ and Bud with Jimmy. It's just easier that way – though we might switch it around.
Harriet
P.S: why couldn't Bud just have asked for one of the suites?
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: The Girls
I know – I mean, there's nothing bad about us . . . right, Bud?
Harm
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Guys
Oh come on, Harriet,
You haven't even SEEN the room yet. Okay, Harm's pulling up at the parking lot – doesn't this look grand? Oh, wow, I hope we get a room right on the top floor. We'll get such a wonderful view then! Oh, okay – time to get out. And I see Spaghetti Legs needs Harm to help her out of the van too.
Cripple.
Mac
Travel Journal of Sarah Mackenzie
Alright, it's official – this trip just got a whole lot better! This hotel is the BEST. I swear – it's got one of those Olympic sized pools and the lobby floors are white marble and the banisters are a really dark kind of red wood and the rooms are the prettiest! I mean, sure, I've only seen my room but it's painted one of those really creamy kind of beiges and it's got very light curtains and the most excellent view!
The TV's kind of small – but who needs the television when you've got a view like THAT right across from your bed! I'm actually looking forward to this next week or two. I didn't think I would after I met Pants . . . I mean, Jean. God, I'm almost as bad as Harriet.
And you know what? She just left. I mean, we entered the lobby and Bud and I went over to check in at the counter and Jean told us all she had to go to work now (she's some sort of fashion . . . advisor thing – don't ask me, I wasn't paying attention) and promptly kissed Harm good bye. In front of us all. Kissed. Harm. In. Public.
I mean, it's not like I haven't seen Harm kiss another woman before . . . well, I mean – actually, he's done a pretty good job of keeping it from me. Really, he has. And it wasn't like it was a LONG kiss – it was short and just . . . well, the good-bye sort of kiss. Not GOOD-BYE good-bye. Just . . . until-I-see-you-again-good-bye.
So now I'm taking my clothes out of my suitcase and putting them on hangers in the closet and of course writing in this journal. I wanted to wear –
Oh, that's a knock on the door, wonder who it is – I'm glad they don't put these little peep holes too high on the doors 'cause sometimes I have to stand on my tippy toes to see who it . . .
Harm.
"Hey, Mac," Harm grins at me as I open the door and admit him into my room. Have I described what he was wearing before in this journal? Hmm . . . (I flip back) no, no I haven't. Alright, well he's wearing these kind of . . . well, not loose, but not tight faded jeans. You know, the kind that fit just right – and a dark blue button down shirt. "What are you writing?"
Me: "Nothing."
Harm: "Oh come on, let me have a peak."
Me (smiling): "It's nothing you need to be concerned about." I turn away.
Harm: "I saw my name! . . . Hey, are you writing what I'm saying?"
Me (with a great weight of warning in my tone) : "Harm . . ."
Harm (a touch amused): Never mind. I don't think I want to know. I'm just wondering – do you, Harriet, Bud, and the kids want to go out for lunch or something and then I need to go pick up Sturgis from the airport – you don't need to tag along for that. But then if we meet you here at say around . . . two o'clock, do you want to head to the conference with us?"
Me: Um, yeah – I'd really like that.
Harm (flashing me the wonderful and enchanting flyboy grin): "Great – do you want me to call Harriet or do you want to?"
Me: "I will."
Harm: "Okay – um, could I use your bathroom quickly to change into my uniform? I won't have time to if I go to pick up Sturgis.
Me: "Sure, feel free."
Harm: "Thanks."
And he disappears behind the closed door of the bathroom.
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Subject: Lunch
Hey,
Okay, Harm's changing and he just asked me if you guys wanted to have lunch with us. He's got to go pick up Sturgis afterwards but Harm knows the restaurants around here so, what do you say?
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Whoa, girl, slow down there! Rewind! Did you say Harmon Rabb – Captain Harmon Rabb of the US Navy is changing? How do you know? He's changing in your room!
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Easy, Harriet. Yes, he's changing in my room – into his UNIFORM and in my BATHROOM. And for further reference – no, I'm not in the bathroom. Second of all, are you going to have lunch with us or what?
Mac
P.S: isn't this hotel the greatest?
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Yes, the hotel's smashing. Now down to business: don't worry about us, we can dine in the hotel or something. The crucial things is that you and Harm spend some alone time together. After a few hours Harm will forget all about Jean and will fall into your arms. Trust me, I snagged Bud, didn't I?
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
No, you have to come with us! Just now we had the tiniest conversation and . . . well, it was weird! Uncomfortable . . . we will never make it through this lunch if you guys do not come with us! And I've told you before, there's nothing going on between us so . . . stop whatever fantasies are running through your mind Harriet. Right now.
And if you even think about setting us up – oh, he's out of the bathroom. We're coming for you in five minutes.
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Your conversation was uncomfortable? Details, girl – what does that mean? I need to know what I'm up against here . . . wait, you weren't scribbling everything he was saying in your notebook again, were you? Mac, you know that scares guys off! I know you want to remember everything that's happening by writing it down but we've been through this – guys think it's creepy.
Luv,
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Harriet, I've explained this to you before! When I'm old and I'm wrinkled and unmarried, living in an ugly apartment with nothing but cats to keep me company because I'm too feeble to go walk around a dog, I want to look back in these notebooks and remember when I was young and thin and still attractive to the guys, and I want to remember London, and you and bud and the kids, and Harm and everything!
Now, bigger crisis: what am I supposed to wear? It's gonna be civvies because – well, Harm'll drop us back here in the hotel before he goes to pick up Sturgis and that's when we can change into our uniform but I've been in these clothes for the last twelve hours – I need something fresh. Now get over here, and help me, dammit!
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Lunch
Okay, Harm's in our room now playing with the twins. It's safe to come over. What have you brought along? Please tell me you packed that blue sweater I complimented you on last week. That would go so perfect with jeans.
After all – you need something to override the evil powers of THE THING.
Harriet
A/N: Vote now. What seemingly horrible thing should Mac do to – ahem – Jean? (Please feel free to call her Pants or The Thing or any other creative title you should happen to come up with)