A/N: Whoa, that was a lot of reviews. Mwahahahaha (that was strictly for Shron, who seems to just love my evil laugh)
Pursuing Pants
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Okay, honey, you KNOW I don't want to discourage you, but you've got the devil's gleam in your eye and you're kind of freaking me out here . . .
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Oh, it's on, Harriet. She doesn't think I'm competition? She has no idea what's going to hit her.
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Mac, stop pounding the bags with your fist . . . my new shoes are in there . . .
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Every moment she's with Harm – I'LL BE THERE. Every move she makes – I'LL BE FOLLOWING. Every breath she takes – I'LL BE WATCHING HER. Every where she goes . . . everything she does . . . she will be HAUNTED.
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Okay, now you're juststeeling lyrics from 'Every Breath You Take' by the Police, and somewhere out there I'm sure Sting's not appreciating its context. Prioritize! What's more important – having Harm, or shoving it to Pants?
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Mac . . .
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Mac!
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: Pants
Look, could you just cut it? We'll talk about this when we go to my room. But first I want to give the kids their presents and you can drop off your stuff at the room. And then we can get rid of Jean . . .
Mac
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Subject: last night
Hey,
Okay – so what happened last night? Harriet said you and Mac went out on a date . . . and did you get a hair cut?
Bud
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Bud, you're sitting right next to me – we're trying to assemble Mitchell and Nikki's crib – why are you emailing me on the blackberry?
Harm
P.S: yes, I did get a hair cut.
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Harm – AJ is sitting on the couch right in front of us. Anything he hears goes in his ears and out his mouth when he's in front of his mother. And anything that goes in Harriet's ears comes out her mouth in front of Mac. Please, think logically! THIS is how my family works!
Now, back on subject. What happened last night? As Harriet would say, "details!"
Bud
P.S: could you pass me that wooden rail – 4D? I think it goes in the socket that I'm working with. Damn these stupid directions – couldn't they have written them out instead of drawn indecipherable pictures?
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
First of all – I think it's sad that you're scared of your own son. AJ is seven, okay? I repeat – SEVEN. Now can you imagine what life is going to be like a couple of years down the road when all four of them are past that age – do you know how much tip-toeing you're going to have to do? My advice – don't return the blackberry at the end of our visit. Oh yeah, and second piece of advice – no more kids. They'll all band together and commit mutinous acts.
Now, as of last night . . . let's just say it was eventful, okay?
Harm
P.S: nah, that would have been too easy. They gotta make us sweat it out . . . which by the way, really is happening. How come it's so hot in your room, Bud?
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Please do not joke about them all growing up. I can barely manage Mitchell and Nikki together, and they've only just begun walking. Think about how old I'm going to be when they're twelve, up and running! I'm going to be too exhausted from following AJ and Jimmy around . . . what have I gotten myself into?
And what do you mean by eventful? What happened? Where did you take her? Did anything . . . happen? Harriet said she didn't come in until late (yes, Harriet waited up). And now they've gone shopping . . . she's going to max out all the credit cards.
Bud
P.S: look, it's just a plainly humid day, okay? If you're so hot, just take off your shirt. The women aren't here.
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Ah, quit complaining old man. I'm older than you – and yet you have the perfect family – a wonderful wife, four great kids. Look at it this way, three more and you can be the Von Trap family minus the Nazis . . . though that's not quite as exciting. But, hey, you get to sing and dance.
As for last night – I took her to the carnival, okay? We ate some hot dogs (in my case, corn dogs) went on the bumper cars, Ferris wheel, stopped in at a café and had coffee, and it was just nice, okay? NOTHING HAPPENED. I mean . . . I have Jean, okay? I just took Mac out on a friendly . . . outing. I mean, come on, I haven't seen her in years. And what mall did they say they were shopping at again?
Harm
P.S: so you don't mind me visually scarring your baby girl by taking off my shirt?
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
You're right . . . Von Trap family minus the Nazis doesn't sound quite as appealing . . . but hey, if we triple our amount right now, we can star in Cheaper by the Dozen (did I tell you that's recently become AJ's favorite movie?)
Okay – so let me get this straight. You had dinner at the fair, went on the bumper cars and the Ferris wheel, had a little coffee and THAT'S why Mac came home at two a.m.? Sorry Harm, not biting . . . and why did you cut your hair?
Bud
P.S: she's not paying attention anyway. She's watching Sesame Street.
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
I thought The Lion King was AJ's favorite movie. At least – it was when I was there. Anyway, look – we got stuck on the stupid Ferris wheel (top seat) and we were there for at least a half hour, okay? And then we were in the café for about the same time so . . . yeah, the minutes started piling. And plus, we went nuts on the bumper cars.
Harm
P.S: okay fine, I'll take off my shirt. But if Harriet finds out, she'll probably yell at you.
P.P.S: I got gum in my hair, okay? Besides, it's not THAT much shorter.
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Well, come on, Harm – you hadn't seen AJ in a year and being a growing boy his preferences do tend to change . . . and that includes favorite movies. But that doesn't mean you don't know him . . . it's just hard when you're on a different continent.
Bud
P.S: nah, Harriet will probably swoon, and then get mad later just to cover it up.
P.P.S: how did you get gum in your hair?
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
I just don't see why he has to change so MUCH. I mean, I was there with him the day he was BORN. I was in the same room. And I've always known what his favorite movies were, his favorite books, his favorite super hero. Can't he just pause all that changing until we see each other again? And Nikki and Mitchell! This is my first time seeing them, and they ARE adorable, Bud, but they're going to grow up not knowing me . . . and I'm their godfather.
Yes, I know I'm overreacting to things . . . I honestly don't mean to. Now – what time are the women coming back? They've been gone all afternoon . . . and where is it they went shopping again?
Harm
P.S: what do you mean she will SWOON?
P.P.S: it's a long story but suffice to know that it happened on the Ferris wheel, okay?
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Harm, you'll be around to watch them grow up. They're not going anywhere any time soon. And plus, you'll have your own kids some day – you're not that old, you know. Nikki and Mitchell aren't even a year old yet. You have forever.
And I don't know about the shopping thing . . . Mac and Harriet should be back by now – I wonder what's holding them up . . ? I can't remember what shopping mall they went to, but Harriet said it was just around the corner from here. Why?
Bud
P.S: never mind
P.P.S: so wait, MAC got gum in your hair? How did you guys manage that? . . . or do I not want to know?
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
They went to the mall around the corner! Blue Tune? Oh no . . . do Harriet and Mac like gigantic department stores?
Harm
P.S: no seriously, I want to know about the swooning thing.
P.P.S: look, we had to entertain ourselves SOME way. We were up there for half an hour!
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Subject: the room
Okay, we've dumped Pants, we're in the lobby of the hotel room, and now I want you to wipe that devilish smile off your face. You KNOW that the minute Harm sees you he's going to know something's up and what are you going to say, "I've just got it out for your girlfriend."
I mean, COME ON. If you're going to snag Harm you've got to be sneaky and much less obvious, if you get my drift. Now come on, let's go up to my room, dump the bags, and get back to yours before dinner.
Chop chop,
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
Snag him in a much less obvious way . . . ? Elaborate. Look, Harriet, I need a plan! Pants has probably got Harm on a collar and leash. I need something that will . . . you know, draw him in! Dammit, I don't care if he gets AMNESIA as long as he forgets about her! I will WIN THIS WAR.
Mac
P.S: are we meeting Harm for dinner?
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Yeah, Harriet likes department stores . . . I hate to break it to you Harm but a LOT of women like department stores . . . Blue Tune? Yeah, that sounds like the name of the mall. I knew it was Blue something. Again, why?
Bud
P.S: but seriously, how did the gum wind up in your HAIR?
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Jean works at that mall! I mean, she works at Customer Services in one of the departments stores in the mall! You don't think . . . they could have run into her, do you? And that's why they're so late?
Harm
P.S: dammit, this crib just does NOT want to go together!
P.P.S: I'LL NEVER TELL!
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: the room
Okay, I want you to CALM DOWN. We are going to go into Bud's and my room, drop off our shopping bags, hitch it back to your room and pick out something down right sexy for you to wear, meet Harm for dinner (I'm pretty sure we're meeting with him – if not, don't bother) but before all that – we are going to map out an intricate plan. I snagged Bud, didn't I? I have EXPERIENCE.
Just trust me – Harm will be wearing a very different set of pants by the time we're done.
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
Okay, Harriet, well you and your EXPERIENCE better come through! How much longer do we have? Like, a week and a half or something. Ten days, Harriet! Ten DAYS! Ten months . . . maybe. Ten years . . . we could probably do it. But ten days! And I don't have anything sexy.
Mac
P.S: You did NOT just compare me to Pants!
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
Oh come on, what are the chances that out of everyone in a gigantic department store, not to mention in a gigantic MALL, that Mac and Harriet happen to meet Jean? Odds are pretty slim.
Bud
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
You never know . . . Mac's never failed to surprise me.
Harm
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: the room
I just can't talk to you when you're like this. Here, I need to check something out by the front desk but take my room key and I'll meet you in the room in like five minutes. You can give the kids their presents in the mean time, okay?
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
You DID compare me to Pants, didn't you? That's why you've given me this . . . sympathy key. Well, for your information, I will go into that room! Do not think this is my way of forgiving you for the Pants comment . . . I am merely forgetting for the moment . . . okay, I'm opening the door (and carrying your bags – dammit, Harriet, how many pairs of shoes did you buy?) and there's Bud and the kids and . . . wow . . .
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: the room
Wow what? Wow what? I something wrong with the kids? Is it Bud? WOW WHAT? Okay, I'm coming up there . . .
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
You'd better . . . this is a sight you do not want to miss . . . believe me.
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
I'm gonna get us a few beers, okay? This crib work is awfully hard especially on my prosthesis . . . whew it's hot in here - the Colonel!
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: last night
What about the Col – oh . . .
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
He just caught me staring at him! Help, what do I do – I sense an awkward moment coming on . . .
Mac
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: the room
Who caught u staring what . . .? Never mind, I'm at the door and . . . oh . . . well, . . . that's a mighty perdy look from where I'm standing . . . Harm with no shirt! (whistles very loudly).
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
Harriet, you're married! . . . And have four children!
To: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Re: the room
That doesn't stop me from looking.
Harriet
To: Harriet Sims (ih8barney(at)hotmail(dot)com)
From: Sarah Mackenzie (sarah(dot)mackenzie(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: the room
That much is obvious. But honestly, with your husband AND kids in the room!
Mac
To: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Subject: them
Alright, this is just getting sad now. They can't even stop e-mailing each other when they enter the ROOM. We don't even get a hi!
Harm
To: Harmon Rabb (harmon(dot)rabb(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
From: Bud Roberts (bud(dot)roberts(at)theJAGoffice(dot)com)
Re: them
Oh, go put on a shirt. That's the only reason why they're emailing each other.
Bud
A/N: YEYAH! POLE TIME! Okay, let's play another rating game. How hot would that room be if Harm was shirtless in it? 1 - 10 people, (1 being subarctic temperatures, 10 being the Sahara Desert in the middle of August)