FAULT LINE

CHAPTER 7

EPICENTER OF THE SOUL

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Hutch walked into the dark entrance and was greeted by smoke, the noise of a pin ball machine and the smell of stale beer. He sat heavily in a corner booth and rested his head in his hands. His eyes were closed against the headache that had been a constant dull throb for days. Nothing really helped and Hutch suspected it was being fed by a guilty conscience and late nights.

"So, blondie, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit to my humble establishment?" Huggy set a mug of beer in front of the bowed head and sat opposite his friend. Despite the outrage Huggy had initially felt regarding Lionel's death, the pull of a long friendship melted the ice of disappointment against the two detectives.

Hutch slowly raised his head and smiled. His misgivings gave way to humor as he studied the outlandish outfit in front of him.

Huggy had on a bright orange and green sort of paradise shirt with a lime green hat on and the ever present sunglasses. Rain, shine, clouds, inside or outside, the sunglasses were either set on his face or perched on his head.

"Huggy, you're a site for sore eyes. Didn't think I'd be welcome. I came to apologize again and I just hope you believe me when I say the whole ugly mess still gives me nightmares." Hutch reached out a hand and Huggy leaned down to shake the outstreached one.

Huggy sat, feeling Hutch's pain. But the raw hate Huggy had felt awhile ago had faded to a sombre memory. He guessed he should just chalk it all up to life.

"My man, you and the curly one are always welcome. I learned a long time ago not to carry a grudge. Better to let the bitterness out than let it simmer inside till it eats away at you. My friend, I've seen too many people I care about blow a hole through their heads because they didn't know how to forgive. You might never forget, but ya shouldn't ever disobey the Good Book. The Big Man forgives all. If He can, then us lowly humans should be able to as well."

Hutch was reminded again at the contrasting sides to this man. Hutch always was taken by surprise at this cultured, well read human that did not show up too often. The street wise, smart alec was the persona usually presented which went along with his crazy get ups.

"Huggy, I need your sage advise about something." Before Hutch could continue, Huggy stood up and held up a warning hand, meaning for Hutch to wait. Huggy had to go put out a personality fire between two of his waitresses. Jackie and Susan were always fighting over which tables were theirs and Huggy had to settle the problem once and for all.

Hutch absorbed it all while he took a long swig of the cold beer. The last thing he needed was this beer so late at night, but he needed Huggy right now and the two just went together.

"So, where's the other half, may I ask?" Huggy returned and threw the bar towel down on the table with an annoyed shake of his head.

"Well, that's what I need to talk to you about Hug. I'm not only pissing you off lately, but Starsky as well. I just don't know why I'm being such a prick. Yes, you can agree with me, Starsky does."

"Well, good description my friend. But what is up with Starsky? He's been in here a couple times with some wild blond fellow female detective. I find out after an introduction her name is Kira and she's working with you guys on a case. " Huggy watched the far corner of the room as an unfamilar face entered the bar.

"Starsky's been here? With her? Jeeze, Huggy I'm in a mess of trouble." Hutch rested his chin in his palm and closed his eyes again but opened them when he heard Huggy laugh.

"Well, you ain't the only one in trouble. I'm sure you'll fill me in there brother but I'd say Starsky's involved with something he has no clue about. You see, the bear hears a lot of gossip, both street talk and cop talk. You brought a lot of cop clientele to this place which keeps the riff-raff away, if ya know what I mean. But I've heard the same shit as you have about your partner's latest interest."

"Huggy, I can't figure out why Starsky is so blind about her. He thinks he's in love and he's sure she loves him. Kira is the kind that only loves for the moment, not for the long term. Huggy--- I've-- I slept with her. I didn't know they were dating. She never said, never even mentioned Starsky. He's got stars in his eyes and ya know how he gets when he's in love."

Huggy watched the blond lower his head and drag his hand through his hair. Then Hutch made a fist and hit the back of the booth. The sound was dull but forceful and caused Hutch to rub his clenched hand with his other before laying both hands out on the table.

"Well, only you can rationalize or explain but man, you need to straighten up. This is the first you've talked to me in months. I ain't gonna shake my finger at you and tell ya everything'll be okay. But you need some serious down time my man."

Huggy shook his head and took another drag on his cigarette. He wasn't at all surprised when Hutch leaned over, snagged the cigarette out of Huggy's hand and sucked in the sharp, burning tar.

Hutch welcomed the sting and bite as the smoke filled his lungs. It felt good to feel pain instead of giving pain, Hutch thought, as he blew the smoke out through his nose.

Hutch sagged against the seat, letting his head fall to the back of the booth. He didn't speak for awhile. In fact, Huggy thought the man might have fallen asleep.

But Hutch roused himself and visibly shook his head. He played with the beer glass in front of him but did not take a drink.

"Huggy, I don't know why I'm deliberately pushing everyone away. I blame the anger between us on Kira. I blame the other guys for doing a crappy job but it's me that I'm dissatisfied with. It's me that's causing all the hard feelings. I can't blame Kira for all the problems between Starsky and me, but she sure is enjoying driving a wedge between us."

Hutch shifted again in the seat and absently scratched his chest, then took his hat off and crushed it in both hands. Huggy reached over when he noticed the white knuckles holding the hat.

"Hutch, you're wound up tighter than one of Starsky's watches. Man, you gotta let some of this go. What can I do to help? You wanna crash awhile upstairs? You need a lady? Name it dude and I'll get it." Huggy saw the shadow of fear cross Hutch's face at the mention of the room upstairs. Both men knew what the room upstairs represented but maybe, that's where Hutch should be. Face his demons, face his fears. That room should represent freedom and hope, not ghosts.

"Huggy, at least the last time up there I was fighting something that had a name and I was fighting it with my friends. But this, whatever has me in it's grip, has no form other than I'm a mess. Maybe I just need a beer and bull shit session with Starsky. We threw our badges into the ocean and ever since then, we've drifted apart. Maybe Starsky followed me because he thought he had to. Maybe he really didn't want to give up being a cop. Maybe I---"

Hutch stopped his own train of thought to take a sip of the now warm beer.

"Once this case is over, we gotta connect again. I just hope it won't be too late."

"Hutch, do you think you're responsible for Starsky? I mean, when you threw your jobs into the ocean, you did it together right? Starsky made his own choice didn't he? Don't push Starsky away. That ain't gonna help him. He needs you, not that blond bitch" Huggy took a last drag of the cigarette and ground it out in the overflowing ashtray.

"The way I see it, you need to forgive yourself. Starsky made his own decisions and he's havin' a hell of a time, just like you. So go on upstairs and catch a few winks. Just leave your guilt and your crappy attitude here in this gross ashtray. I'd be happy to pitch it out back in the dumpster."

Hutch decided that maybe Huggy was right. Maybe he needed a neutral place to sleep. Hell, he just needed to sleep. With a last hand shake, Hutch nodded his thanks to Huggy. He pushed himself up the steps into his friend's extra bedroom. Hutch opened the door, searching for the ghosts of a long ago nightmare.

He sat heavily on the bed and leaned back against the wall. Vague remnants of that withdrawl echoed around him. He heard his own voice begging for help and heard Starsky's broken words, urging him to hold on. Hutch rubbed his neck, still feeling the comforting caress of Starsky's hand.

He looked down at the inside of his arm. The invisible track marks were as real now as they had been during that other time. He rubbed the crease there and wished the future was now. He wanted his life back on a solid foundation again. He wanted so badly to have the strong grip of frienship and the stability of his career to feel good about. He crossed one foot over the other and toed out of his shoes. He stood up to take off his pants.

Suddenly he was so tired. He let the pants drop where they landed and rested back against the mattress.

He was standing at the edge of the rise. The cool, refreshing breeze blew his hair in his eyes. He reached up to tuck the blond hair behind his ear. The sun glistened off the lake below. The view from the rock was breathtaking. The clear, green hills in the distance made him feel peaceful. The hard, solid rock underneath his boots gave him a sense of accomplishment and pride. He took in a deep breath as his heart returned to it's normal rhythm. The hard climb to the top had been worth the view.

But suddenly, the sun disappeared behind dark, rolling clouds and the wind grew chilly. The water in the lake was choppy and he could hear the slap of each white cap. He felt dizzy and alone. The earth underneath him began to shake. The small cracks in the rock grew wider. His feet were pushed apart until he straddled a wide crevice.

"Huuutch!"

He saw the hand reaching for him, heard the echo.

He shifted his feet to try and get his balance. He bent down toward the hand that seemed to get smaller. He was knocked off balance.

"Starsky!"

Hutch found himself sitting straight up in bed. He heard the echo of Starsky's name fade into the corner of the room. His heart raced and his chest heaved with the effort to slow his breathing. The trickles of sweat made a path down onto his belly. He gulped in precious air as the room slowed it's spin.

"Damn, not that dream again!" Hutch whispered to himself. He dragged his legs over the side of the bed and planted his feet on the floor. He looked down, as if to convince himself that the floor was solid and not the cracking foundation in his dream.

"Wouldn't a shrink have a field day with that dream!" Hutch tried to convince himself that it was just a dream. He stood up and paced around the shaded room. The flashing light from the sign outside illuminated the room in a dull glow.

The whole thing reminded him of just why he didn't get much sleep these days. As Hutch got dressed, he still heard the desperate, far away voice of his partner searching, calling to him.

He pulled open the door and slammed it behind him. Still too many ghosts.