FAULT LINE - PART 3

CHAPTER 17

AFTERSHOCK

Starsky drove away not seeing what was in front of him. He had no idea where he was going. He just knew he had to get away from both Hutch and Kira. Behind him, in the rear view mirror, he saw Hutch just standing, rigid and still.

Starsky didn't have the ability to think beyond his own pain. Even that was too much. His confusion was staggering. He couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus. It scared him. Thoughts tumbled around him. He saw Hutch. He pushed it all away.

I just can't do this right now. I gotta go somewhere. Concentrate on driving. It doesn't matter where. I can't think past hearing my car rumble with power. The feel of the wheel is the only thing I can trust right now.

Before I realized it I'm out front of Metro. How'd I get here? How long have I been sitting here? Minnie. Minnie will help me. Minnie will help me sort out this ugly mess.

Starsky looked again at his surroundings. He still was confused at how he had gotten here. How the car got parked. But he gulped in a great breath of air and turned the car off. He felt the coolness of his keyring. He brushed the steering wheel with his hand. Some things still made sense. At least the car was real. It never had betrayed him. He knew he could count on it to get him where he needed to go.

He felt so battered. It wasn't just from the physical punches, but his whole body was tingling and at the same time numb. He couldn't be sure what he saw. He was sure he was outside Metro but all he saw was red. He saw disapointment. He saw Hutch.

He pushed open the car door and shut it with all the anger that had built up in him since leaving Kira's. The door shut with such force that the car rocked as if trying to wiggle away from its angry owner.

He took the steps, wanting to vent more of the adrenaline still making his heart bang inside his chest. From the lobby, he pushed open the metal door and let it clang behind him. The empty stairwell somehow was comforting. At least the steps were stable. He recalled his dream and was grateful that the ground under him was hard and unforgiving. He was tempted to push himself to jog clear to the roof. Maybe physical pain and sweat would make it all go away. He snorted at that thought and listened as the noise bounced off the steps. He opened the door to the hall. It was just a typical day. No one was aware that the world had just stopped turning. Officers were busy leading their charges to various lock ups and interregation rooms. He hoped not to have to face his captain yet. Not yet ready to even face Minnie, he darted into the men's bathroom.

Thankfully, no one was there. He locked the door behind him, wishing to be left alone for a few minutes. He leaned against the sink and pounded his fist into the ceramic. His eyes burned and felt like a beach full of sand had blown into his face. He turned around and kicked the door of the nearest stall. Then he just sank down to the floor, right where he was. He rested on his knees, feeling the proverbial kick in the gut. He brushed both hands through his hair and looked up at the ceiling.

Sitting there, breathless and sick, words and images pounded at him. He couldn't keep the pieces from fitting together. God, was he that stupid that he couldn't understand what Kira was?

Almost without warning, his stomach churned with acid. It was no use trying to avoid the inevitable. He crawled into the stall just in time to expel all that had weighed him down. The acid of fear and knowledge all came up. The smell caused more gagging. All he could do was hang on until the spasms slowed down. His limp fingers groped for the handle and flushed his hatred and disgust away from him.

In the distance, he thought he heard knocking. Let the bastards use the one upstairs, Starsky silently pleaded. He had no strength, no air in his lungs. He didn't think he'd survive as another wave of nausea overtook him. Just as violent as before, he could only lay his head on the toilet seat when it was finally over. Not only was he wasted from the physical cramping, but his soul had just been flushed away. He felt that anything that had held him upright was gone.

Finally he pulled himself up and wobbled to the sink. Fistfulls of water cascaded over his head and shirt. There was no thought to his appearance other than to wonder who the hell was staring back at him in the mirror. Was this what everyone had been seeing for months? He had seen this same emotion and despair in Hutch.

Eventually, he realized he couldn't hide much longer so he scooped cold water in his mouth and tried to straighten himself out. He still needed help. He was ready to talk. Minnie was his life preserver. He remembered that she had actually thrown it out to him before, but at the time he was too stubborn to admit that he needed it.

Gathering what was left of himself, Starsky unlocked the door and hunted for Minnie. He didn't acknowledge anybody, didn't have anything in his head except peace. He found Minnie, hunched over a case file with two other officers around her. They talked among themselves, blissfully unaware of anything except their own concerns. He stood off in the corner, trying to be invisible. Finally Minnie was left alone and he strode over to her and grabbed her forearm. He forced her up out of her chair. She never questioned him, never complained. She could see the desperation and need in his eyes. She had been waiting for this day.

Starsky dragged her along after him. He didn't mean to be so rough but he felt his stomach tighten again and he wanted to hide. He pushed them both toward the stairwell and he flinched as the door jangled behind them. He sank to the cold, concrete step and slid sideways, his head resting on the wall. Minnie had not said one word since she had been kidnapped. She knew Starsky felt hopeless and thought about what might come next. She was not afraid of Starsky, but she was afraid for this dark haired man.

She calmly sat beside Starsky. She just waited, quietly. She wanted him to know she was there but also that he could trust her. She brushed her hand through his curls. The contact seemed to remind him about where he was and who he was with. He looked over at Minnie but lowered his eyes. She touched his chin, forcing his head up to look at her.

"It's okay Starsky. I'm not here to judge, only offer a shoulder." Minnie whispered but held Starsky's gaze steady.

"Minnie, you tried to warn me. You knew!" Starsky was full of so much remorse that he started to shake. A result of an empty stomach and a blinding headache, the shakes continued until Minnie gathered him in her arms.

"Honey, it just wasn't all about Kira. Yeah, baby, she chewed you up and spit you out. Believe me she's not the least sorry. She probably doesn't even know what she's done. But Starsky, it never woulda happened if you and Hutch were still tight. Don't you see? You were looking to replace the bond you have with Hutch. It's Hutch you need." She pulled back slightly as she realized that the shaking had stopped.

Starsky let out a low moan and looked around him. He rubbed at the memories pounding in his head and he stood up.

"Minnie, maybe we should go somewhere else to talk? Would you come with me, maybe to the park? I need to walk, I feel so closed in. I understand what you just said but I need--"

"Starsky, I just happen to have an hour break. Why don't we go for a walk and put all those nasty worries to rest. But you should be talking to Hutch." Minnie held up her hand when Starsky started to protest and continued.

"I know, he's not at the top of your list at the moment. But once you calm down and can see straight, you'll understand. C'mon, we can go through the garage so you won't have to run into a lot of people."

Minne was satisfied that a Starsky meltdown had just been averted but she knew there was a lot more crap he needed to get out and a lot she should tell him. So as they walked down the stairwell to the parking garage, Minnie jabbered on, just to keep up the conversation. She wanted to keep Starsky from brooding any further until she could be sure he was ready to continue with the soul searching.

As they got to the garage, Minnie stopped in the middle of the lot and looked around.

"What's up Minnie, forget where you parked your car?"

Starsky tried to forget for the moment why in the middle of the day he and Minnie were even out of the building. He supposed Dobey would get his hackels up later about Starsky's disappearing act for so long, but he needed this woman to help him find the truth.

"No Starsky, just-- Oh I don't know. Did I ever tell you that sometimes I get weird feelings about certain places?"

"Don't tell me my gloomy mood has you spooked? Did you just step on a crack in the floor? Didn't know you were superstitious."

Starsky tried to laugh but it just came out as a pleading, broken moment. He moved closer to the woman and put his arm around her as they walked through the lot.

Minnie dismissed the odd sensation and instead, returned her attention to her favorite curly haired detective.