Chapter 2
Urahara Shoten!
Before we begin… am I the ONLY person that finds it amusing that in the year and a half it's taken me to update this, ONE BILLION new characters in Bleach have been introduced? And that's not counting the Bounto. Because no one counts the Bounto. Unless you do. And if you do, I hope you stop soon. Because they suck. Hard.
ANYWAY!
Ichigo and Ganju and Hanatarou were on their way to Urahara Shoten so they could get their Road Trip across the United States UNDER WAY! However, before they could get there… they had to take care of some business!
"LAZY DAYS… HELP ME THROUGH THE HELPLESS HAZE BUT MY OH MY…!" Ganju sang in a voice that sounded more like he was gargling vinegar and pulled into a nearby Taco Bell. "We better get our stamina up for our trip! What do you guys want?"
"I don't really like Taco Bell," said Ichigo. In fact, he thought it was DISGUSTING.
"I see," said Ganju, but instead of asking Ichigo what he DID like, and driving them through there, he just continued on his way. He didn't ask Hanatarou what he would like to eat because Hanatarou doesn't eat! If Hanatarou tried to eat, his food would eat HIM!
"Hello, welcome to Taco Bell, would you like to try our blah blah blah…" said some random Taco Bell person.
"NO!" said Ganju with a little more passion than was needed, then he said, "I'd like eight Chalupas please!"
Ichigo gaped at Ganju. "EIGHT Chalupas?"
"And a bean burrito!" Ganju proclaimed.
Ichigo continued to stare at Ganju in shock with his mouth wide open. Ganju didn't seem to notice and continued on his merry way to the pick up window. There he picked up his eight chalupas and his bean burrito and paid another random Taco Bell person. Then he drove off and the Taco Bell exploded.
Oh, wait… you're wondering why the Taco Bell exploded? (GROAN) Fine, fine…
I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.
I think Bleach is remarkable in that almost NO ONE ever explodes in it! But, Taco Bell is not as remarkable as Bleach, so you musn't be expecting very much from it.
"Mmm… I love Chalupas!" Ganju smacked through a mouthful of chalupa, driving haphazardly through the streets with one hand on the wheel.
Ichigo, whose expression had not yet changed, decided to give his opinion. "Chalupas are DISGUSTING. Taco Bell is DISGUSTING. Dude, you're going to get really FAT."
"SHUT UP!" Ganju yelled, sending chalupa bits flying at Ichigo. "I am NOT the fat Kaien sibling!" Even though he is! I bet you never saw Kaien eating that many chalupas… no sirree.
"Whatever," said Ichigo, "you could at least watch where you're driving."
"Why? Do you think I'm as weak as YOU that I need to WATCH where I'm driving?!"
"EVERYONED NEEDS TO WATCH WHERE THEY'RE DRIVING, RETARD!"
"Not ME!" Ganju said with a big cheesy chalupa Kenji grin, and then he ran smack dab into the middle of a tree. HUR HUR HUR! Luckily, everyone had been sure to tighten their seatbelts, so there were no injuries to anything but Ganju's pride.
"SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID, DUMBASS!" said Ichigo. "You just got your STUPID car wrecked!"
"LIKE THAT'S A BIG DEAL!" Ganju retorted, then looked back at Hanatarou, who was trembling and whimpering because the crash had scared him. "Oi, Hana, go heal the front of my car."
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Hanatarou cannot heal CARS."
"Yes he can! He's in the HEALING division, DUH."
"Healing PEOPLE! Not CARS!"
"YES CARS!"
"There are no cars in Soul Society!"
"You don't know that!"
"You don't know anything!"
"HANA CAN HEAL CARS!"
"NO HE CAN'T!"
"Please don't fight!" said Hanatarou, but he was ignored.
"WHATEVER!" said Ichigo, and he pointed at the library, because that is where Ganju had ever so conveniently crashed. "I'm going to go find a book on Manta Rays. And when I come back, I expect YOU'LL be owing ME an apology!"
"OOOH, MANTA RAYS!" Ganju said in a mock-scared voice. "Look at me, I'm Kurosaki Ichigo, I think I'm so smart just because I like to read about MANTA RAYS!"
"I DON'T LIKE TO READ ABOUT THEM, I HAVE TO DO A SUMMER REPORT ON THEM!"
"HA! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!"
"YOU'RE STUPID!"
For God's SAKE! This could go on forever! Luckily, it didn't, because Ichigo got so fed up with Ganju that he just LEFT for the library. Of course, he was in an extremely foul mood, and since Ichigo's face NORMALLY looks like he's pissed, you can only imagine how angry he looks now.
"I need a book on Manta Rays," he told the library lady in a surly voice.
"It sounds more like YOU need a book on rainbows and sunshine!" said the library lady who we'll call Librarian Joy.
"Um… no, I need one on Manta Rays," said Ichigo.
"You're just like that other grumpy young man who came in here earlier," Librarian Joy chuckled like Kureno. "Why don't you come with me and then you two can cheer each other up?"
"Uh…" said Ichigo, but Librarian Joy had already dragged him off towards the little kids reading place. YOU KNOW, the one with the brightly colored tables and comfy bean bag chairs. And who should be sitting in one of those bean bag chairs, but… URYUU ISHIDA! QUINCY!
Ishida was reading a children's book about a spider that could sew quilts with some interest. However, when he looked up and saw Ichigo, he immediately shoved it off the table and glared.
"Kurosaki…!" he hissed, because he's a nerd that remembers you have to WHISPER when you're at the library.
"ISHIDA!" Ichigo exclaimed, because he's an idiot who doesn't.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the whole library screamed.
"See? You've already made a new friend!" said Librarian Joy, whose IQ is a total of 32. "Now you can learn more about each other!" Then she left and exploded and was replaced by a much smarter librarian.
"Um… what are you doing here?" Ichigo asked.
"OBVIOUSLY," said Ishida and did his glasses thing, "I came here to work on my report. However, that woman said I looked too depressed… and somehow I winded up here," he added, as if it would have really been that hard to get up and WALK AWAY from the table.
"Oh," said Ichigo. "Well, I came in to get a book on Manta Rays."
"Manta Rays," Ishida snickered. "You think a report on MANTA Rays could ever top one on Badgers? Is that what you were thinking with that tiny little brain of yours, Kurosaki? Well, you're wrong. Badgers will ALWAYS triumph Manta Rays. And I will prove it."
"I don't really care," Ichigo pointed out.
"…that attitude of yours really pisses me off!" Ishida muttered, since he didn't know what to say and that's one of those stock Bleach dialogues anyone can use.
"Whatever," said Ichigo. "I only came in here because Ganju crashed his stupid car."
"Wait – Ganju-kun is HERE? And he has a CAR?" Ishida asked.
"Yeah," said Ichigo. "He's taking me on a Road Trip across the United States."
"A Road Trip – that's IMPOSSIBLE! You can't take a Road Trip across the United States with a car from here! This is Japan! It's an ISLAND!" Ishida exclaimed, because the very idea was STUPID! And stupid things annoy him!
"Maybe it's a car that can drive over water," said Ichigo.
"CARS CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER!" Ishida yelled and the whole library shushed him.
"Well, right now we're on our way to Urahara Shoten," said Ichigo, then he sighed. "Well, I guess if I can't find a book on Manta Rays I'll just go see how Ganju and Hanatarou are doing." UM. It's not like you looked very hard, Ichigo.
Ishida tried to pretend like he wasn't interested, but before Ichigo could walk off, he stood up and said, "Wait, Kurosaki… are you guys… uh… well…"
"Yeah?"
"You're going to ALL the states in America? All of them?"
"Pretty sure."
"All of them. Even Wyoming."
"If Wyoming's a state."
"Then you'll be going to Wyoming."
"I GUESS," said Ichigo with barely upheld patience.
"I see," said Ishida. Then he did his glasses thing. "Fine." THEN he walked out of the library as if that were the normal thing to do. Ichigo frowned and followed him.
Outside, Ganju was standing on the sidewalk and watching Hanatarou as he put his hands over the broken car. On further inspection, Ichigo realized that he was watching Hanatarou HEAL the car! BY GOD!
"What the hell?! He can really heal a car?!" Ichigo demanded.
"Told ya!" Ganju laughed. "Who's the smart one NOW?!"
"Me," said Ichigo, but before he and Ganju could get into it again, Ishida stepped in front of him.
"Ganju-kun," he said, "I heard you're going a road trip. I'd like to ask to come along."
"WHAT?!" Ichigo exclaimed.
"You want to come?" Ganju asked, chomping away on his last chalupa. "Well, sure! The more the merrier! Plus it might help to have a nerd with us!"
"…yes…" said Ishida with his anger barely held in check.
"But you just said that a road trip was impossible!" Ichigo protested. "Why are you changing your mind all of a sudden?"
"Well, Kurosaki… that's for me to know, and you to find out," Ishida told him with a mysterious smile. AWK!
"The healing is over!" said Hanatarou.
"Now we can get moving again!" Ganju declared and they all piled back into the car. Did anyone THANK Hanatarou? No. But does anyone THANK their white mage while they play an RPG? No. I didn't think so.
"How did you guys crash this car in the first place?" Ishida wanted to know as Ganju started driving.
"Because THIS idiot doesn't watch where he's driving," Ichigo said in a stage whisper, pointing at Ganju.
"What are you guys talking about?" Ganju asked, turning around.
CRASH!
HOOONK!
It was a peaceful day at Urahara Shoten! Tessai was making tea, Ururu was playing indoor hopskotch, and Jinta was… SUDDENLY CRUSHED UNDER THE WHEELS OF GANJU'S CAR!
Yes. At that moment, Ganju's car burst straight through the front of Urahara Shoten and right over Jinta. Urahara Shoten was Ganju's ninth crash of the day and Jinta was his third victim! NOT shabby!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" yelled Ishida and Ichigo, even though they should have been used to it at that point.
"YO!" said Ganju, standing up and putting his foot on the wheel like a retard.
Tessai and Ururu stared at Jinta's corpse underneath the wheels of Ganju's car.
"Oh my God…" rumbled Tessai.
"They killed Jinta-kun!" Ururu squeaked.
Then everyone got over it because, well, nobody cares about Jinta.
"We were expecting you, Ganju-dono," said Tessai. "Would you care for some tea?"
"I don't drink tea! I drink Mr. Pibb! By the gallon!" Ganju declared.
"I see," said Tessai, and he turned to Ichigo and Ishida, who were trying to get their heartbeats to slow. "Well, how about you two?"
"Yes please," said Ishida like a dork. Ichigo shook his head.
Tessai and Ururu went to go get Ishida his tea, while everyone piled out of Ganju's car and sat around the big table that you ALWAYS sit around when you go to Urahara Shoten. Of course, Ganju hadn't run over THAT. You couldn't run over that if you tried!
"I'm not so sure I can take fifty states of Ganju-kun driving like that," Ishida murmured.
"America has FIFTY STATES?!" Ichigo demanded.
"Whatever!" Ganju snorted. "My car driving is just as good as my boar driving!"
You don't have good boar driving, Ishida and Ichigo thought.
"Here's your tea," Ururu squeaked, bringing it to Ishida. And who should follow her, but… CHAD! YAAAY! He held a big platter of ever, EVER so slightly burnt ginger snaps.
"Ginger snap?" he asked them.
"CHAD! SADO! SADO-KUN! YASUTORA! WHATEVER!" everyone exclaimed.
"Sado, what the hell are YOU doing here?" Ichigo asked.
"I'm always right behind you, Ichigo," said Chad and gave him a thumbs up, and Ichigo smiled knowingly, and it was like, MANLY BONDING FTW!!
"Sado-kun often comes here for recipe swaps with Tessai," said everyone's favorite member of Urahara Shoten… URAHARA! DUR! He walked into the room.
"Urahara-san!" Ichigo exclaimed, as if COMING to Urahara Shoten to ask for Urahara's help had NOT made him expect to see Urahara.
"Hi Kurosaki-kun! I hear you're going on a road-trip! Along with let's see… Ganju-kun, Ishida-kun… and perhaps room for one more?" he added, pointing at Chad.
"Of COURSE he can come!" said Ichigo.
"UM. My roadtrip, MY rules," said Ganju, but of course he let Chad come. You don't NOT let Chad come.
"Is that all?" Urahara asked. "Eh… don't you guys think this roadtrip is going to end up being a little BORING with just guys?"
"Why would it be boring?" they all asked.
Urahara sighed. "Nevermind. What I'm trying to say is, isn't there anyone else you'd like to invite? Anyone FEMALE?" he added when Ichigo and the rest all just continued to gaze at him stupidly.
"HA, I figured I'd just pick up American babes on the WAY!" Ganju proclaimed, then wiped some Chalupa crumbs off his lips.
"A girl…" Ishida looked at Ichigo. "Hey, how about Inoue-san?"
"Yeah!" said Ichigo. "Inoue! I'll give her a call!" And he whipped out his cell phone and did so! But no one picked up! Hey… why wasn't she answering? Where's Orihime?
All of a sudden, a group of chipmunks that had somehow sucessfully disguised themselves as a Japanese boy band started singing, "Oerta… AWAI TSUBASA DA…!"
"Wait a minute," said Ichigo, "now INOUE'S trapped in a tower?!"
NO, SILLY. She's trapped in a ROOM! …in a tower.
"What happened to RUKIA being in a tower?" Ichigo demanded Urahara.
Suddenly, a shadow passed over Urahara's face, and it was like he only had ONE eye, but don't worry, the other one's still there. It hasn't gone anywhere. "Kuchiki-san… is now suffering a worse fate."
"A worse fate than a TOWER?" Ichigo wondered. How could there be ANY worse fate in BLEACH?
"Kuchiki-san's brother-in-law, Byakuya, felt bad after nearly allowing her to be executed during the Aizen conspiracy," Urahara continued in his deathly serious voice. "He has decided to make it up to her… by taking her to Six Flags."
A silence gripped the room. Nobody could think of ANYTHING more uncomfortable than having to go with BYAKUYA to Six Flags. I mean, it's hard enough just to enjoy FOOD with Byakuya. SIX FLAGS?!
"Poor Kuchiki-san," Ishida murmured.
"I bet he's sucking the fun out of EVERYTHING. Even the cotton candy," said Ganju.
"Rukia…!" Ichigo said.
"So, as you're making your way from state to state, it might be nice of you to stop in the ones that have a Six Flags and look for Kuchiki!" Urahara said cheerfully, snapping his little fan out of nowhere.
"But how are you going to get us to the United States from Japan?" Ishida asked.
"Follow me…" said Urahara. "In the car."
"In the car?" Ishida repeated.
"Yeah," said Urahara, gesturing towards the back room. "Just drive the car downstairs."
"Um… won't that… break stuff?" Ichigo asked.
Urahara just walked enigmatically off.
"OKAY!" said Ganju, who has no qualms about breaking stuff, jumped into the car and went speeding into the wall. Then he rammed THROUGH the wall and they all heard the car fall about twenty feet down and crash. Of course, Ichigo, Ishida and Chad hadn't also gotten into the car. They're not Ganju.
"If no one wants a ginger snap," said Chad, "I'll wrap them up… to save for later."
"Okay," said Ishida and Ichigo, staring at the car-shaped hole in the wall.
HOOONK!
After Chad wrapped up the ginger snaps, they all gathered down in Urahara's little portable training room of cliffs and sky and FUN! Urahara was standing in front of a big spinny portal thingy and Hanatarou was healing Ganju's poor car again.
"All you have to do to get to America is go through here!" said Urahara.
"What is HERE?" Ishida asked.
"It's know as a Plot Hole," said Urahara. "This is quite a large one."
"Which state will it take us to?" Ichigo asked.
"Rhode Island," said Urahara and some random chickens came out and started singing, "RHOOODE ISLAND! RHOOODE ISLAND!"
YEAH! SING IT!
RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,
THEIR MASCOT IS A CHICKEN, AND THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT THEM,
RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,
IT'S AN ISLAND AND ITS BIRD IS THE RHODE CHICKEN,
SO ITS NAME IS COMPRISED OF TWO ELEMENTS OF ITS CHARACTERISTICS,
RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,
THEIR MASCOT IS A CHICKEN, AND THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT THEM!
YEAH!
…
"Well, then, I hope you have a wonderful time in America!" said Urahara. "Don't forget to bring me back a souvenier."
"We won't!" everyone chuckled like Kureno, but not really. They pretended not to hear and got into Ganju's car.
"Ready… steady… GO!" Ganju yelled and drove towards the Plot Hole at MAX speed!
"Hey… WAIT!" Ishida exclaimed suddenly. "I forgot to get a change of clothing!"
"REAL men don't need a change of clothing!" Ganju declared.
"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"I have some extra clothes," said Ichigo. "You can borrow 'em if you want Ishida."
"Borrow YOUR clothes?" Ishida repeated, then scoffed. "Sure, Kurosaki, if I wanted to look like an IDIOT."
"MY CLOTHES ARE COOL!"
"Your clothes are INFERIOR. I bet you don't even know what designer's label they are!"
"Designer's label?" Ichigo repeated with a blank look.
"Oh God," said Ishida, "why am I doing this?"
But before anyone could TELL him why, they all SHOT through the Plot Hole and into… a realm NOBODY knows!
Urahara watched the plot hole close, then scratched the back of his head.
"Oh yeah," he said. "I guess I should have told him that Aizen and his gang were also taking a Road Trip across the United States…"
UM.
"Oh well," Urahara shrugged and wandered off. "I guess they'll just have to find out for themselves."
UM!
OMAKE!!
Um... wow. But hey, what can you expect during the long boring summer of boringness? Random Updates ALL AROUND! HURRAH! But right now I'm in a Bleachy mood, so I'm sure you can expect at least one or two more chapters before college starts... or who knows? MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT AROUND THE US IN JUST THIRTY DAYS BEFORE I HAVE A LIFE AGAIN!
POSSIBILITIES!
And I love the possibilities of QUESTIONS! ALRIGHT!
Suuki:Why does everyone like to take roadtrips? Don't they know its DANGEROUS? xP
I KNOW! Roadtrips should have some sort of hazard warning, so that everytime you say, HEY GUYS! Let's go on a ROADTRIP! some deep-voiced dude like the guy in the movie theaters says, AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Nakigara: Hayley: what happened to the ginger snaps?? Were they burnt??! Did he have to throw them away? (oh noes!)
Well, now you KNOW!
Carl: sings Are you gonna pay, are you gonna pay, are you gonna pay, last year's rent? this year's rent? rent rent rent! RENT!
OH EM GEE... I finally saw that movie. It was crazy. And that was the best song in it.
Bigfoot: boo!
Bigfoot: BOO HOO HOO! (runs off crying)
Oi, oi, Foot-chan, shikaru de...
The Maine Coone Cat:
1. Are there gonna' be any Fruits Basket cameos?
I am not so sure as of yet... hmm... but if there are, then YOU were expecting them! (applause for you)
2. What the hack IS a Wooper, anyway? Are they all mean like Carl?
Wooper is the ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FOURTH POKEMON ON THE NATIONAL DEX. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! It evolves into QUAGSIRE, but why would you want them to?! Hey, Carl, are all the Wooper bastards like you?
Carl: ...all the other Wooper are stupid.
Ah, I see you still have emotional scars of being outed because of your purple nature.
Carl: SHUT THE HELL UP! I DO NOT!
Sure ye don't laddie, aye!
3. Uh...I don't know...what's your favorite color??
I believe I have answered this question before! I don't have a favorite color.
Nobody 1-2-3: Are you ever going to continue this? It's really funny... Or do you not have the interest and/or time to do so?
Now YOU KNOW!
Carl: She just updates/starts/restarts anything whenever the hell she feels like it.
YEP! THAAAAAT'S ME!
Well, that about wraps up Omake for the day! But... hark! Listen! If you ever felt like ASKING Kurosaki Ichigo about SOMETHING... he just might be the special guest next time! And he just might listen to what you are asking!
HINT HINT HINT HINT AAAAAAAAARGH!
Ja!