Chapter 3
Renji is a Loser
Once upon a time, there was a sister and a brother who loved to play Super Smash Bros Melee. They played it everytime they had nothing else to do. Being both fairly seasoned gamers, they quickly unlocked all there was to unlock, which included the game's many secret characters.
One of these characters was Mr. Game And Watch. No one really thought much of Game and Watch, meaning that he wasn't often played by anyone, nor was he changed when the COM randomly chose him, like the Ice Climbers are. And, unlike the other characters, Mr. Game and Watch never received any affectionate nicknames or funny voices. He was just there.
The sister and the brother played this game so much that they started to notice things. One of the things they noticed was that Mr. Game and Watch NEVER won. Never. I don't mean he never won tournaments or he never won in story mode – I mean he NEVER won. He seemed to have AMAZINGLY bad luck.
On a impulse, they checked the game's victory records, and there it was: Out of over 45,000 matches, Mr. Game and Watch had only ever won ELEVEN times. Eleven.
The sister and brother thought this was so funny that they started to make sure Mr. Game and Watch KEPT losing. Because if everyone else kept winning, and Mr. Game and Watch still kept LOSING, and hanging onto his pathetic eleven wins, well… that was funny! It even got to the point where, if Mr. Game and Watch, by some freak accident, managed to get on his way to a win, the sister and brother RESET the game, and laughed long and hard.
And so, Mr. Game and Watch never won. He is a loser.
Now,
Renji is a loser. He is such a loser it's not even funny. And I'm not talking about loser in the sense that he's a dork. I mean, he is a dork, but so is most everyone in Bleach. Renji is a loser because he LOSES. He loses every big blown out SHONEN fight that he's in.
Case one: Renji VS Ichigo (first time)
Sure, it LOOKS like Renji is going to win… but he doesn't. Ichigo breaks his headband, and was probably ABOUT to win, but then Byakuya stepped in and saved him.
Case two: Renji VS Ichigo (second time)
Ichigo PWNS Renji with a capital P, and then Renji CRIES and has angsty FLASHBACKS, and the VIOLIN music plays, and he BEGS Ichigo to save Rukia. He has lost again.
Case three: Renji VS Byakuya
Okay, they built this one up A LOT. Renji trains and he trains, and he ATTAINS Ban-kai for this. He even gets new clothes. And you're all like, 'Finally! Renji is gonna get the respect Renji deserves!' But does he? No! Renji getting his Ban-kai and his fighting spirit up was all just an excuse for Byakuya to use HIS superior Ban-kai, and defeat Renji again.
Okay, that's three big battles, three big losses. Let's move on.
Case Four: The Most Unintentionally Funny Scene in Bleach Ever
They save Rukia, blah blah blah… Ichigo throws Rukia down and tells Renji to get her out of there. That's because Renji has BAD JOOJOO and he wants him gone. So Renji takes Rukia and he runs and he runs and he runs… he runs for like TWO EPISODES down that hill. And then what happens? Kaname pops out of nowhere and teleports them RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY STARTED! I laughed until I CRIED! And now I think I'll go laugh again! HAHAHAHA… RENJI! All for NOTHING! AHAHAHAHA!
Case Five: The Sealed Sword Frenzy
Yes, Renji was beaten in this OVA too. Just in time for ICHIGO to come and save the day. Hur hur hur.
Case Six: The Bitto
In the FILLER, Renji lost to BUGS. Called BITTO. Saving a little KID. If that's not lame, I don't know what is.
Case Seven: El Forte
It may SEEM like Renji won, but he didn't. He got help – and what's more, he got help from Ururu. A little GIRL.
Case Eight: Alpuyo or whatever that Arrancar's crazy name is
And NOW he had to be saved by Ishida. Unfortunately, his bad joojoo has spread to Ishida too, but we're all still waiting to see what will happen after this.
See? I think I've made my point. Renji NEVER wins. NEVER. If you want to argue, then feel free to send me some account of when he DID win, but I'm telling you, he doesn't. He has no win. If you said, Renji FTW! Everyone would just look at you like you're stupid. Because you are. Renji is FTL! (for the lose)
Now, I think what Kubo Tite is doing to Renji is similar to what that brother and sister did to Mr. Game and Watch. They noticed he hadn't been winning at all, then they went out of their way to make sure he NEVER won, so it would be funny. Or maybe not. Maybe Renji will surprise me one of these days and actually WIN a fight. Or, as always, maybe Ichigo will just keep reaping in all the glory.
I don't know. I just don't know. But I do know one thing. Renji loses. EVERYTHING.
HOOONK!
"Hey, Taichou, can I borrow a nickel?"
Byakuya took about fifteen minutes to turn his head towards Renji, and then fifteen MORE minutes to grace his question with WORDS.
"…why?"
"This frickin' soda machine says I still owe it a nickel," said Renji, and then he KICKED that soda machine! WHY YOU SO GREEDY, SODA MACHINE?! YOU DON'T NEED NO NICKEL!
"Renji, don't kick that! You might break it!" Rukia protested.
"Will not!" Renji retorted but he stopped anyway. "Come on, Taichou, please? I'm thirsty as hell."
"…very well," said Byakuya as if Renji had just asked him to do assisted suicide, and he reached down into his jeans and pulled out the smoothest, leatheriest wallet you have ever seen. Why was he wearing jeans you ask? Because he was in dah REAL WORLD! And so was Rukia! And just in case you're slow, SO WAS RENJI!
They were in the hotel lobby waiting for an escort from Soul Society to take them to Six Flags! Why was Renji there? Because Byakuya wasn't about to go ALONE with Rukia. Plus, Renji had more or less secretly begged to go, since he had always wanted to go to Six Flags.
Byakuya opened his wallet and then he pulled out the shiniest, silveryist, most REFINED looking nickel in the world. He gazed at it for a few seconds, then ever so slightly extended his hand towards Renji.
"Thanks Taichou!" Renji exclaimed and bounded over to Byakuya. But the second he tried to grab the nickel, Byakuya closed his fist around it.
"I will expect payback in two days," said Byakuya.
"Payback for a NICKEL?" Renji repeated.
Byakuya just stared at him like he was stupid.
"Uh… okay," said Renji, and held his hand open. He waited for Byakuya to hand him the nickel. Byakuya waited awhile, as if he were expecting Renji to STOP wanting the nickel, then he dropped it into his palm.
While Renji cavorted back to go get his soda, Rukia looked at Byakuya.
"Um… Nii-sama…"
"Yes, Rukia?" Byakuya asked.
"You don't have to do this…"
"Why?" asked Byakuya. "Do you not like Six Flags, Rukia? Is it unsatisfactory?"
"No, no!" Rukia exclaimed. "It's just, well… Nii-sama, do YOU really want to go to Six Flags?"
Byakuya stared at Rukia. She tried to garner an answer from this, but it was the same look Byakuya ALWAYS has on. As if you are asking the stupidest question in the world. I think to Byakuya, the questions, "Do YOU really want to go to Six Flags?" and, "Do you HAVE to keep on breathing in air to live?" are the same thing.
"Nevermind," said Rukia, and luckily Renji came back guzzling soda, so Byakuya had someone else to stare at.
"This is good!" Renji said, then he swung the soda around. "Hey, you wanna taste Rukia?"
"Renji, you just slobbered all over it," said Rukia.
"Hey, I don't slobber!" Renji said hotly. He was thinking, If Rukia drinks from this, it'll be like we KISSED…!
"Hand that over to me," said Byakuya.
Renji stared at Byakuya, shocked. Then it occurred to him that he was about to indirectly pass saliva with his CAPTAIN! EEEEEEEWWW! But he had to do it! He had to do as Byakuya said! He had to kinda sorta KISS him!
"H-here you go!" said Renji and he looked away as Byakuya took the can.
But Byakuya didn't indirectly kiss Renji. Instead, he stared at the back of the can intensely. Finally, he held it up and showed Renji and Rukia.
On the back of the can, it said, 25 DOLLARS OFF YOUR TICKET TO SIX FLAGS!
"WHOA!" Renji exclaimed, then he looked back at the soda machine as if it were some kind of GOD. "HOW THE HELL DID IT KNOW WE WERE GOING TO SIX FLAGS?!"
"Twenty-five dollars off!" said Rukia, who had been feeling guilty about Byakuya paying, even though he's a rich humbug with too much money. "How much were the tickets, Nii-sama?"
"Forty dollars apiece," said Byakuya.
"And we were plannin' on staying a whole week…" said Renji.
"So seven days and forty dollars, for three people…" said Rukia.
"That is eight hundred and forty dollars," Byakuya stated, because he's SMART. "We need thirty three of these cans. Renji…" He tossed Renji a wad of twenty dollar bills. And because he's BYAKUYA, and not ANYONE, the bills FLEW like a paper airplane instead of just landing on the floor. "Buy out that machine."
"Yes sir!" Renji said and proceeded to feed the soda machine all of Byakuya's money. The coca cola started coming out like chickens in a rainstorm! DA-HUCK! Unfortunately, after Renji had amassed only a measley nineteen coca colas, the machine ran out.
"Aw, come on!" Renji whined, jabbing the button as if that would DO something.
Byakuya walked over to the machine and stared at it as if THAT would so something. And believe me, that Soda Machine was afraid for its life! It wished that it could turn all its Splash and Nestea into Coca Cola to please Byakuya, but it couldn't! It was just a simple machine! (sob)
"Um, there are other, soda machines," Rukia pointed out, since her experience in the real world had taught her such things.
"Like where?" Renji asked.
"Stores… street corners… lots of places really," said Rukia.
"Very well," said Byakuya. "Renji – find a box in which to put those and begin drinking them immediately."
"Drink ALL of them?" Renji asked. That's a LOT of sodas to drink! Even for him!
"I'm sorry. Did you not understand the order?" Byakuya said icily and Renji hurried off to find a box, lest he awaken passive aggressive RAGE!
Renji ran around the hotel like a fool, looking for a box. But he was at a hotel for people, not for boxes, so it was very hard to find one. Finally, when he had lost all hope of finding one, and was about to bring Byakuya back a trash can, which is definitely not a box and definitely not sanitary, he suddenly found himself walking into a random room!
"Hello!" said That Buddy Barn Guy, looking to appear in every random Shoopuf Dude story I write in my life. He was standing behind a counter, surrounded by millions and MILLIONS of boxes! Small boxes, big boxes, wooden boxes, steel boxes, boom boxes, XBOXES!
"Welcome to the Buddy Barn Room of Requirement!" he said. "And from the LOOKS of it, YOU require a box!"
"Well… uh… yeah… hey, what the hell is this?"
"What KIND of box?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked Renji, ignoring the question.
"A box that can hold thirty three cans of coke, I guess," said Renji.
"I've got JUST the one!" And that Buddy Barn Guy whipped out a box that had JUST the right width and JUST the right length to hold exactly thirty three cans of coca cola! WOW!
"That'll be thirty-three dollars!" said that Buddy Barn Guy.
"I don't HAVE thirty-three dollars!" Renji protested. He had LOST it all, gambling!
"Do you have a credit card?"
"A WHAT?"
That Buddy Barn Guy gave a deep sigh. "Great. Just great. Here I am, doing my job to move the plot along, and I don't even get PAID. Well, fine. You know what? TAKE your box. But you owe me, my red pineapple haired friend. You owe me thirty three dollars and I expect it back in two days."
ARGH! Now Renji has to come up with thirty three dollars AND a nickel in two days! The numbers just keep crunching!
"Here ya go!" said That Buddy Barn Guy and tossed the box over to Renji. Then he whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn guys go. Except, all the boxes were still there.
Maybe I should have just waited and then TAKEN the boxes, Renji thought, but then he remembered Byakuya was waiting, so he hurried back.
"Got it, Taichou!" he exclaimed, holding the perfect box.
"So you can do something right every once and awhile," Byakuya drawled, then pointed at the sodas. "Put them inside, then start drinking."
"Yes sir!" Renji said, and he threw all the soda bottles in. They all assembled like they were BORN to assemble, and then it really did look like they BELONGED there. Then Renji took out a soda and started guzzling it down. He would drink all the soda! He would prove it to Byakuya! He would GET RUKIA BACK! Even though she was right there! YEAH!
"Rukia, lead us to where we may find more of these objects," said Byakuya.
"…okay," said Rukia, watching Renji finish chugging one soda and furiously starting on the next.
So Rukia took Byakuya to a place that she KNEW would have lots of soda! The front of Wal-mart! Of course, Byakuya didn't know how COMMON and UNREFINED Wal-mart is, otherwise he wouldn't have shown his face there. They found a soda machine right away!
"Renji…" Byakuya started to say, then he realized Renji was busy. He was on his eleventh coke and he was drinking them so fast that the coke kept pouring all over his shirt. But he would not stop! Not even if he CHOKED!
"Yes, Taichou!" Renji gasped, desperate to breathe in air. Then the coke caught up to him and he belched in a very loud, rude manner.
Byakuya stared at Renji, then shook his head. "Continue. I will take care of this."
While Renji started on his TWELTH coke, Byakuya took out some money and faced the soda machine. He looked at the money… then he looked at the slot! Then he looked at the money… and looked at the slot again!
"Um, Nii-sama, do you want any assistance?" Rukia asked. What she WANTED to say was, "Can you not figure out how to use a soda machine?" but that would have been TOO bold, Mr. Turner, HUR HUR HUR!
"No," said Byakuya, and then he tried pressing his dollar bill against the button with a coke on it. Unsuprisingly, nothing happened.
Then Byakuya tried placing the money as an offering where the soda should come OUT. He sat there and gave it his best Byakuya stare. Yet again, nothing happened.
Byakuya walked around to the back of the machine and stared at the plug. Then he went onto the side and stared at the… side. Finally, he came back to the front and pressed the change button.
Three quarters popped out! SOMEONE almost got a soda and then for an unfathomable reason, decided NOT to get one! Of course, this only ADDED to poor Byakuya's well-hidden confusion!
"Why is it giving me money? Unless it wants to play games. In that case, I am forced to engage it," said Byakuya and started pulling out his Zanpaktou.
"No! Look!" Rukia couldn't take it anymore and took the money from Byakuya. And if it had been anyone BESIDES Rukia, you can bet they would have LOST that hand. She put the money into the machine and pressed the coke button.
COKE CAME OUT! HOORAY!
"See?" she asked Byakuya.
"Continue," said Byakuya, looking at her as if he'd never wanted to get coke from the machine in the first place.
Rukia secretly rolled her eyes and gathered the remaining thirteen cokes they needed. During this, Renji began his seventeenth soda, but because THAT particular soda had been jostled, it exploded in his face and got all over Byakuya's fancy Armani shirt.
"S-sorry Taichou," Renji gulped. "Uh… well…"
"I have demoted for less than this," Byakuya said, looking at his shirt. "And I will demote YOU if you do not go into that store and bring me an exact replica of this shirt right now."
NO! Renji COULDN'T be demoted before he got to go to Six Flags! But he couldn't offer Byakuya HIS shirt because it was also covered in coke! He had to get a new shirt for Byakuya! And FAST!
So Renji RAN into Wal-mart! Unfortunately, neither Renji OR Byakuya knew that Wal-mart… doesn't sell Armani shirts. They sell normal shirts.
"DAMMIT!" Renji cursed. "Why can't humans all just wear the SAME thing like Shinigami?!"
"Having some trouble," said That Buddy Barn Guy, stepping randomly out of an aisle and giving Renji a smug smile.
"What the – how – what are you doing here?!" Renji demanded. He looked around the store, expecting to see OTHER people also wondering, but they were just continuing on their Walmarty ways. "How come no one else notices you?!"
That Buddy Barn Guy gave a little 'tch.' "Explodables. Never notice anything." Then he grinned. "Now what can I help you with, my scribbly painted eyebrowed friend?"
"… I need a replacement shirt for Taichou…" Renji said suspiciously. To Renji, That Buddy Barn Guy seemed just a little TOO convenient. He was DOUBTING him. Doubter.
"Ah… a limited edition Armani silk sleeve, was it not?" said That Buddy Barn Guy, even though he's never seen Byakuya OR his shirt. "That would be… five hundred and forty three dollars. And twelve cence," he added.
"FIVE HUNDRED AND – I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!"
"Well, then maybe you should have some cheaper taste in clothing!" said That Buddy Barn Guy in an offended tone with his hands on his hips.
"ARGH!" shouted Renji, but he knew what he had to do. He promised That Buddy Barn Guy that he'd pay him back and in turn, he received a new shirt for Byakuya. But at what cost, Abarai? AT WHAT COST?! (Five hundred and seventy six dollars and seventeen cence.)
"See ya in two days!" chirped That Buddy Barn Guy and whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.
"Six Flags had better be worth this crap," Renji muttered to himself and stomped out of the Wal-mart. Nobody stopped him and demanded where his reciept was for his purchase because I don't FEEL like anyone doing that. HA.
Outside, Renji gave Byakuya his shirt. Then Byakuya STRIPPED in front of the whole Wal-mart parking lot and there were several accidents. Luckily, he didn't warp poor Rukia's fragile, innocent mind, because she was too busy trying to understand how you open a coke! That CRAZY Rukia! First the juice box, NOW THIS!
"Well, I guess we should get going," said Rukia once Byakuya was covered. "Renji can drink the rest of the cokes on the way and while we wait in line…"
Byakuya looked as though he didn't particularly LIKE that plan, but would allow it anyway. Well, what other plan could there BE?! Why are you so hard to please Byakuya?!
Renji was so sick of coca cola that he wanted to just open them up and POUR them on the ground, but that wasn't what a REAL man would do. A real man would drink all thirty three cokes, even if it KILLED him. So he reluctantly snapped open his eighteenth coke.
Our gleesome threesome got started on their way to Six Flags Over (CENSORED), and when they were halfway there, WHO should run up but… KIRA AND SHUUHEI! HURRAH!
"There you are," said Shuuhei, who looked very SEXY in his modern day clothing!
"We've been looking all over for you, Byakuya-taichou!" said Kira, who looked very… sickly in his modern day clothing.
"YOU guys are our escorts?" Renji asked.
"Yes. Because we no longer have captains we serve ALL the captains!" Kira said politely, which basically means that now Gin and Kaname are gone, Kira and Shuuhei are the remaining captain's little flunkies. Hinamori would be one too, but I THINK SHE'S CRAZY…! (starts dancing)
"Renji, what the hell are you doing drinking all that coke?" Shuuhei asked.
"He is following my orders," Byakuya stated, and nobody asked any more questions. Which was too bad, because Renji had wanted to ask Kira and Shuuhei to help him drink all the soda. Oh well. At least now Renji had his two DAWGS to go to Six Flags with!
"Hey, but Taichou, we heard you were requesting vacation leave, but we didn't know you were going to Six Flags. That doesn't seem like you," Shuuhei observed, because his SEXY powers somewhat neutralize Byakuya's AUTHORITEH powers.
Byakuya did not answer. But because I love you all, YOU shall receive an answer in the form of a
FLASHBACK!
"Renji, what are you doing?" Byakuya asked.
Renji, Shuuhei, Ikkaku, and Yumechika were all sitting there watching a strange glowing box raptly. IN the box was Grey's Anatomy! Our three manly men and one not so manly man were captivated by the medical and personal struggles of these doctors and their interns!
"Oh, uh, hi Taichou," said Renji. "Ichigo showed it to us. It's a television! It's from the real world. You can watch all sorts of… stuff."
"NO WAY!" Ikkaku suddenly screamed because Burke was LEAVING Christina. AT the altar! "CHRISTINA AND MEREDITH! THAT'S TOO GODDAMN MUCH! WHAT THE HELL?!"
"If you want my opinion, those two girls are better off single," Yumechika clucked.
Shuuhei didn't say anything, but that was because he was uninterested in the affairs of Christina and Meredith. HE wanted to know what would happen with George and Izzy! ZOMG!
"Don't you all have work to be doing?" Byakuya asked, and everyone muttered something lamely, but they ran off before Byakuya could demote them or give them a threat.
"It's okay, they repeat it on Fridays," Yumechika whispered.
"They sure like pimping the damn thing out, don't they?" said Renji.
Now, with THEM gone, Byakuya faced the television. It had gone into commercials.
Ichigo… he thought. He was trying to remember who Ichigo was! Even though he had kinda, you know… JUST FOUGHT HIM! But that's because Byakuya has a secret problem. He has a hard time remembering people. That's part of the reason he stares like that all the time. He is trying DESPERATELY… to REMEMBER!
Oh yes. That ryoka, Byakuya finally remembered, then he felt bad because he'd almost let Rukia get killed and all. Poor Byakuya. If only he could make it UP to Rukia, then he wouldn't feel like Hisana was constantly judging him! But what could he do? What?
Suddenly, a commercial caught Byakuya's attention. It was a scene of a family looking very bored and depressed. THEN, a strange bald little man in a bowtie RAN IN, and started dancing while crazy techno music started playing! Everyone in the family immediately cheered up and ran after the dancing little bald man, and then it showed that they went to SIX FLAGS!
"The BEST in summer family fun… SIX FLAGS!" said some announcer.
…that looks unintelligent. And irritating, Byakuya thought. Like Renji, and that ryoka. Perhaps Rukia would enjoy it.
And THAT'S how we got HERE.
END FLASHBACK!
"Oh well, whatever the case, I'm sure this will be an enjoyable time for us all…" Kira ventured because Byakuya had been staring off into space for awhile. "Right, Rukia-san? It'll be like none of those bad things ever happened!"
"Well, I guess it WOULD, if Aizen and Ichimaru and Kaname weren't running around making evil plans with the Hogyoku," Rukia pointed out.
"R-right…" said Kira, and then something very STRANGE happened! His crazy hair GREW an inch in one second, just like that. So now it also covered part of his CHIN!
There was an awkward pause.
"Kira… your hair…" said Rukia.
"Oh, look…a bird!" Kira said in a brave voice and pretended to be very fascinated with a green traffic light.
Shuuhei shook his head. "Gin's betrayal has been tough on him. Better not to touch on it, or it'll get akward."
"It got AWKWARD because his hair GREW!" said Rukia.
"DUH!" said Renji, throwing the twenty-third coke can down into the box. "It's eating his face. That damn Kira's hair ALWAYS eats his face when he's depressed."
Rukia made a face, but all Shuhei did was nod, as if EVERYONE should know Kira's hair eats his face when he's depressed. I mean, YOU knew that, right? Right?
"Why don't you just get it cut?" Rukia asked Kira.
"You want me to HURT him?" Kira asked in an offended voice.
"Oh, come on, it's not as though your hair is ALIVE," Rukia scoffed like Carson. But no one scoffed with her, so then things became very uncomfortable all over until they FINALLY reached the line for Six Flags and everyone decided to take the subject off of Kira and his LIVING hair.
"How close are you to being complete?" Byakuya asked Renji.
Renji was a little green. "Eight more, Taichou," he said.
"Abarai-kun! You don't look so well!" said Kira, as if HE didn't constantly look like he was going to faint or needed to go lie down somewhere.
"Drinking THAT many cokes can't be good for you, man," Shuuhei observed. "Your stomach is going to explode."
"NO IT'S NOT!" Renji yelled, but his stomach did feel pretty much like exploding. But he only had EIGHT left! Then he and Rukia and Byakuya could have a whole week at Six Flags for FREE! If that's not a noble cause, then what IS?!
"What is THIS?" Byakuya asked randomly and everyoned looked around for what he was referring to. Then they realized he was talking about the line.
"Um, it's a line, Nii-sama," said Rukia. "You wait in it."
"They do not make exceptions for captains of the Gotei Thirteen?"
"Uh… no," said everyone.
Byakuya didn't reply, and he gave the line of people a threatening glare. This did not instantly clear it up like he expected it to, unfortunately.
So they waited and waited and WAITED in line like normal people. Well, kind of normal people. Byakuya kept staring down EVERY single person who happened to glance at him, and scared more than a few small children. Kira was very PALE and WEAK looking, and he kept feeling guilty about this and that, so it kind of looked like he had been kidnapped. Shuuhei looked SEXY and had to keep refusing phone numbers from girls. And Renji… well… Renji was still working hard on those sodas.
Okay, so only Rukia waited in line like a normal person.
When they FINALLY reached the ticket booth guy, Byakuya turned to Renji expectantly. He was on his LAST soda! Number THIRTY-THREE! His eyes were bloodshot and he had sweat pouring down his forehead, and he could barely managed to flick the cap, but he was going to do it!
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!" a random crowd of people shouted, and then they exploded because that was all I wanted them to do.
So weak… but I must… WIN! Renji thought, and with the very last of his strength, he finished the thirty-third soda. Then he put it inside the box, and shouted, "FINISHED!" Then he moaned and clutched his stomach.
"Very well," said Byakuya, and shoved the box towards the ticket guy with his foot. "Take these."
"Um…" said the ticket guy, who we'll call Ticket Jordan, in a disturbed voice, since he had just WATCHED Renji drink that soda, "what for?"
"There are thirty three cans there. I believe that will cover the stay for three people for a week," said Byakuya. Then he noticed Kira and Shuuhei for the first time. "Ah. Well, we will send for more coke for Renji to drink to get those two in."
"Wait, wait – you can't PAY for Six Flags tickets in COKE cans," said Ticket Jordan. "You can only use ONE can per person to get twenty five dollars off the ticket. And what's more, you can only use one coke can per month."
There was a pause. Renji groaned weakly.
"So… really, we'd only get anything out of three cans," Rukia surmised.
"Yeah… hey, um, did you make that guy drink thirty-three cans of coke?" Ticket Jordan asked, pointing at Renji, who was currently experiencing a pain known only to someone who drinks thirty three cans of coke in one hour. Oh wait… I guess he's the only one that knows that kind of pain.
"Hey, Taichou, you didn't have to do that," said Shuuhei. "We have a Six Flags Season Pass from Soul Society right here!"
"Yes, that will give you unlimited access to everything," Kira added, and then he handed Byakuya a little pass with the Soul Society logo on it. Then he gave one to Rukia. Of course, he and Shuuhei already had one.
"...very well," said Byakuya and flashed Ticket Jordan his pass like he was BORN to flash it. Then he strode into Six Flags. "Come, Rukia."
"Okay…" said Rukia, but she felt bad about Renji putting himself to that much trouble for NOTHING, so she lingered a bit.
"Abarai-kun? Abarai-kun?" Kira asked Renji. "Abarai-kun, look, here's your season pass."
"Dude, I think he's gonna faint," said Shuuhei.
Renji tottered back and forth. Then he threw up four gallons of coke all over the ground. EEEEEWW. THEN he fainted!
Everyone stared at him lying there pathetically on the ground.
"Maybe," said Rukia, "when he comes to, we better just tell him that the cokes covered everything."
"…yeah," said Shuuhei and Kira.
OMAKE!
Well... all I can say is that I TRIED and I TRIED to wait and see if you people would ask more questions, but no, you did not! So I am going to do this very dissapointingly short omake and then rabidly wait for my copy of Harry Potter! GOOD DAY!
Genny: (you get one MILLION bonus points for asking Ichigo!)
Hayley: Who is your favorite Bleach character?
Oh man, that's a toughie, since like EVERYONE in Bleach is awesome. The only person I ever DISliked was Ishida, but then I liked him after he went through all that trouble and lost his powers.
Okay... I'd have to say it's a three way tie between Renji/Kenpachi/Grimmjow. ULTIMATE THREESOME FTLW (shot to death)
Carl: Why are you purple?
Carl: Why are you ugly?
Because there's a one in a MILLION chance that a Wooper can be purple! And there's also a one in a TRILLION chance that a Wooper can talk! PUT EM TOGETHER AND WHADDYA GET - CARL!
Bigfoot-chan: Do you like Harry Potter?
Bigfoot: BIGFOOT LOVE HARRY. CRY WHEN DUMBY DIE.
Ichigo: Why are you a dandelion head? Why don't you like manta rays? What did they ever do to you?
Ichigo: It's not that I don't LIKE them, it's just that I don't like doing REPORTS on them!
And what WOULD you like doing reports on then, Ichigo?
Ichigo: I dunno. Something cool like a VIPER!
As for your first question... why is Ichigo a dandelion head? Well...
(walks up to Ichigo)
Ichigo: ...what?
I WISH HARRY POTTER WAS HERE NOW!
(blows on his head)
(Ichigo's head bursts into a billion pieces and floats off)
ZAT'S WHY!
But again, I am ashamed of you, reviewers! For shame! Well, I certainly do hope you have questions for Rukia, even though she's not that interesting! FOR SHAAAAAAME!
Ja!