Chapter 5: the risk

Makubex didn't understand why or how they ended up in Ginji's bedroom, but somehow they did. They were both sitting on the bed, right next to each other. "Makubex…" Ginji began in a soft voice, verging on a whisper.

"You've been acting really off lately."

"I'm sad."

A simple response in retrospect to what I could have said, but it conveys the point nevertheless…

"Just tell me…" Makubex looked up at Ginji. "Tell me whatever it is that's troubling you and I'll take it all away." Ginji told him softly, as he touched the side of his cheek. Makubex gazed at him tenderly. He wanted to tell him desperately but the words refused to come out of his mouth.

"Tell me…" he said even softer.

You're not mine; that is what, Ginji. He wanted nothing more than to tell him those exact words that kept streaming through his head. Out of all of the phrases that the genius mind could construe this was the only option. The only simple words that could truly describe the situation and truly convey how everything was meant to be.

"Tell me…" he whispered desperately.

Makubex began to sweat and twitch in nervousness. To him, the whispered words could be described as erotic and lascivious. His keen logic and mind knew that Ginji meant it in a brotherly way but different parts of his body thought otherwise. He couldn't help himself. The desire, pain and torment were at its absolute peak and Makubex had to end it somehow.

He threw his arms around Ginji and pressed the lips of the one he longed for against his own. Makubex kissed Ginji passionately, almost fiercely. All of the urges and deep rooted feeling buried for so long suddenly surfaced and in an instant ceased to exist.

Everything in the room became evanescent and slowly began fade away, except for the two of them. Even the bed below them was gone. What they were sitting on then, Makubex himself didn't even know. In that one instant, Makubex felt as if his greatest task which was living his own life, had finally been completed and it would remain that way forever. The moment was the pinnacle of perfection. He wanted time itself to freeze and preserve the picture as it was, never changing in any way at all. Well, to Makubex at least.

What Makubex did slowly dawned upon him, as he opened his eyes and saw the shocked expression upon Ginji's face. The image contorted in that single second, as he stared into that pair of confused brown eyes seemed to last an eternity. Makubex pulled away and shifted his eyes to the floor. Looking at Ginji was completely unbearable. He felt shame, and pure idiocy as his hands trembled at his sides. They were both silent as Ginji sat there in a state of shock, and Makubex shook and panted softly.

Why did I have to do that? What I did can never be taken back. He will reminisce about this for the rest of his life, as will I. I will look back on it as a mirage that never was and never will be real… and he…well…who knows if he'll even stay anymore…

"Once a paper is crumpled, it will never be the same. Even if it is smoothed out, it will always have faults where it was once creased and I realize that now," Makubex whispered in a shaky voice as he left the room.

As he returned to his own room, he remembered that Ginji promised to stay for three weeks; therefore he would have to see Ginji again. Because Ginji slept in a room adjacent to the computer room, Makubex would have to see him every day. He felt ashamed, stripped of the scant amount of confidence that he once had. Makubex knew that he would never look at Ginji the same ever again.

What would I say to him? Or better yet…what would he say to me?

Makubex sat in the computer chair and stared into the doorway, as he had before Ginji returned. It felt like there was a hole in his stomach and he felt lightheaded. The walls appeared as if they were closing in on him and the floor seemed to be falling out from below. The chair nearly fell over as he tottered back and forth inside of the seemingly spinning room. All he wanted was one chance to go back and change his mistake but he knew that this wasn't possible, even for someone like him. Makubex knew that he could only manipulate time and matter in his VR and not the real world.

In his mind, he had been abandoned, left behind once more. It was all coming back to him, as the painful memories resurfaced and looped repeatedly, the same images that ravaged his dreams.

Makubex looked out the window, which was barely visible in the unlit room. An overwhelming urge to jump out of the window began to surge throughout his body once again. He then recalled how Ginji broke through a lower story window and caught him. If he had risked life and limb for Makubex, then he obviously wanted him to live on no matter what.

No…I cant, I have a purpose…I have to stay here.

For him

Makubex believed that Ginji would always the unrequited dream, just out his grasp. The only thing that ever mattered. The only thing that was even real in the virtual reality that had consumed his already fragile life. He knew very well which he coveted and what he would never possess. Much to his dismay both were one in the same. Makubex leaned back in his chair. As he closed his eyes, he pictured Ginji coming into his room and forgiving him for what he had done. Then he would lean over, kiss Makubex lightly on the lips and hold him close as he told Makubex the words that he wanted to hear...