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Monty Python and the Fountain of Youth

Chapter II: Long Live the Queen! (What the hell are we saying?!)

As the Black Pearl drew inexorably towards its final destination, they found a small island where the co-captains decided to restock on carp, and sloths, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and anchovies, and fruit bats, and booze, and well, a lot of things that would take way too much space to type while remaining sane, so for this fan fiction the list has been severely edited.

As the Black pearl drew inexorably towards its final destination, the co-captains decided to restock a bunch of shit on their list so they parked the ship, took the keys, security devices, and remote controls from the rest of the crew and headed ashore on their motorboat that does not exist but was created using CGI.

Jack and Barbossa neared the market place, but stopped when they saw a pair of pirates hacking away at each other. One knight, I mean, err…pirate, wore a green head band, green trousers, and green vest, and a notably pink pair of boxers that hung out of the back of his pants, whilst the other was black, wore black, and generally was a black-hearted soul. The black knight (pirate! I meant Pirate!) finally pulled out a spear gun and shot the green pirate/knight in the head.

Jack and Hector looked at each other, confused by the advanced technology of the spear gun being in the movie or fan fiction, besides their CGI motorboat. (And the vibrating chairs and plasma screen TV in the captain's quarters.) Then they approached the black Pirate. (or is that Knight?)

Jack put a hand to Barbossa's chest. "I'll handle this, mate." He approached the Pirate. "Oi! You fight like a sissy, mate, savvy?" the knight (or pirate) remained silent. Barbossa rolled his eyes. "Oi! You want to join the crew of the Black Pearl, mate? Hello?' Jack waved a hand in front of the pirate's blank eyes.

"Well, mate, you've certainly ruined my mood. Come on, Hector." Jack started to move, when the pirate's mouth suddenly opened and a tiny animotronic skull popped out, with light up eyes, and a speaker installed in the Pirate's nether regions said. "None shall pass!"

"What?"

"None shall pass!" Jack looked down at the pirate's crouch and kicked him the groin, then began to jump and clutch his stubbed toe. Jack, enraged, drew his sword.

"Nobody stubs the toe of Captain! Jack! Sparrow!" The Pirate drew his sword and began to fight with Jack, until Jack cut off his non-sword arm.

"How you like that, sissy!"

"'Tis but a scratch!"

"No it's not, I cut off your arm!"

"I've had worse."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "If you say so, mate." The began again, slashing, blocking, slashing, blah, blah, blah, until Jack removed the pirate's remaining arm.

"Ha! I win." Jack turned to Barbossa. "Said I could handle it." The pirate kicked him in the groin, and Barbossa winced. Jack turned to the pirate. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Have at you!" It kicked Jack again.

"Look, you bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I do!"

"What do you call that!" Jack called, pointing at the knight's severed arms.

"'Tis only flesh wound!"

"What?!" the knight kicked again, and Jack severed the leg.

"Right! I'll do you for that!"

"Would you give up? You can't do anything now except bleed on me, savvy?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony!" Jack pulled his pistol and shot it. The pirate gave off a flash of sparks, then fell over with a loud and resounding 'Clang!' Barbossa walked over to Jack's side.

"Kids today, I swear." Barbossa said.

&&&

The two captains walked into the market place, (Jack grabbing one of the new 'shopping carts') and bought almost everything they needed, except for Barbossa's hat. As they arrived at a hat stand, they both dropped their jaws at the woman behind their counter, who did the female equivalent, which was a 'whoa, this is, like, totally weird.'

"Elizabeth!" they unisoned, then hid the rum.

"Jack! Captain Barbossa! And…the other Jack." She said, noticing the monkey.

The pirate lords composed themselves and did a nice pair of obviously fake bows of courtesy. "Your majesty." They unisoned again. Then they turned to each other.

"Stop that!" they unisoned again. "Stop that now! Stop talking! I will shoot you! Fine, I'm just gonna stop talking!"

"Please do. What are you doing here?"

"Seeking the Fountain of Youth!" They Unisoned again, then glared at each other.

"It's just a legend."

"Ah! No, actually, because my compass points at it, which means it exists. It is…" Jack pulled out his compass, which, being in Elizabeth's presence, and in Jack's hand, began to spin between the direction of the Fountain, and her. Jack stared, wide eyed, at the compass. He looked at Elizabeth.

"Do you want t live forever with Will? Is that want you want most?" Jack asked.

"Of Course!" she said. Jack began his whole 'corrupting Elizabeth to the dark side,' routine.

"Because I would think, you'd want to find a way to do that, most in the world. You need priorities, otherwise, you wind up making a mess of things, savvy? So, -"

"Is the compass spinning again?" she accused.

"Of course not! I just want you on the crew, would make me feel a lot better."

"I married, Jack."

"By whom were you married?"

"Me!" Barbossa cried.

"Ah. Well, you see, Barbossa was not captain of the ship at that time, so I'm afraid to report that the marri-age isn't valid."

Elizabeth's eyes lit up like twin furnaces. "What?!" she snarled.

"Well, technically, he was, but you were the highest rank aboard, so…"

"So we're married, unless you want to get shot." Elizabeth growled. "But, if only to see Will, I'll come with you."

"Ah, thank you." He looked down at the compass, which had stopped spinning. He closed it and returned it to his belt.

&&&

As they left the small island, Sparrow and Barbossa looked over the chest that held William Turner's heart. Suddenly, the Flying Dutchman emerged from the water.

Next: A pissed off William Turner!