Chapter 4 (part 1 of 2): The Trojan Rabbit

Pintel and Raghetti pulled the huge wooden rabbit up to the heavy oak doors of the French fort, then ran away before they had a cow shot at them with the big cow catapult. The French noticed the sudden addition of a large wooden rabbit to the castle's front yard, and immediately ran out to drag the rabbit in.

"Now give the rest of the plan." Jack said.

"Well, now you, Barbossa, and Unichy over there," Raghetti started, pointing at Will. (Yep, you knew I'd call him Unichy sooner or later, or it wouldn't be pirates in the Caribbean. Pintel: But it's called Monty Python and the Fountain of Youth! #Bang!# Anymore questions? Raghetti: uh… Bang!# Thought not.) "Jump out of the rabbit, catching the French completely unarmed."

"We jump out of the rabbit?" Jack asked.

"Yeah." Barbossa rolled his eyes and started for his pistol.

Jack kicked Raghetti in the balls. "You idiot… person! You didn't tell us to get in the rabbit in the first place! God, Barbossa, go ahead and kill him."

"twould be me pleasure, captain." He aimed at Raghetti, who flinched. Barbossa pulled the trigger, and gun let loose…(insert tense moment here where the reader sits at the edge of his seat, grinning that the bald moron finally dies…) a spark.

"Damn! Wet powder, still." Barbossa said, and began to brush up his beloved dragoon. (Yeah, okay, dragoons were actually long rifles, but considering Hector is Spanish, and his pistol is freakishly long, I decided it would be a textbook example of a dragoon. So I'm improvisational. So sue me. Although not only would you lose, I also happen to have a freakishly long sword that I like to keep freakishly sharp, and I'm freakishly easily angered. We're talking Masamune-long and laser sharp, okay?)

"Wait! If we build a giant wooden badge-"

"Oh shut up!" Jack cried. "C'mon, Will, maybe we can donate his lungs to charity. Oh! Or he can trade you spots."

"No thanks." Will said, rubbing his scar nervously. (Don't ask me why, He just did!)

Chapter 4 (part 2 of 2): The Pirates who say Ni!

Jack and Barbossa went ashore, via the CGI motorboat, looking for the infamous Pirates who say Ni!

"You Know, I once cheated you at poker." Jack said. Barbossa glared at him.

"What? I was in a g-string, what'd you expect?" Barbossa's glare became a mortified look or terror.

"How drunk was I?"

"Drunk enough."

Barbossa's eyes widened even more.

"Freeze, perverts!" Said an unnaturally high male voice. Both captains froze and put their hands in the air. "Turn 'round!" they did to see a large group of pirates with long horns mounted on their hats, lead by a giant of a man. Well, actually he was a very short man standing on a very tall ladder, but we don't need to go there, do we? No.

"Who are we?" Jack asked.

"We are the pirates who say Ni! Ni!"

"No! No Ni! Bad pirate who says Ni!" Jack said scolding.

"Ni!" the co-captains writhed in imaginary pain.

"Please, stop, in the name of Calypso, ye Pirates who say New!" Barbossa cried.

"No, It's Ni! Like knee, but cut short." The Lead Knight (I mean, ugh, Pirate!) of Ni.

"Ni?" Barbossa copied.

"Yes, 'tis a good Ni!" The Lead Pirate said.

"Well, uh, pirate who says Ni, we need some help-" Jack started.

"Ni!" the group chorused. "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" Jack and Barbossa fell to their knees, holding their ears, imagining the tremendous pain. Would you two stop that? Get up, you're embarrassing me! The lead pirate silenced the group with a wave of his hand.

"We are the defenders of Justice, Porno, Contraband, and don't ask what's contraband, and keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Pang, Ka-pow, woo-bomb, and rrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkk!"

"Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!" Jack said. "Unless you're Jackie Chan, Batman, Superman, the Terminator, or James Bond."

"What about predator?" Barbossa asked.

"Oh, yeah. And you can't forget Vincent Valentine either."

"Oh! Oh! Spiderman!"

"Wolverine." (I hope these guys quit, I'm running out of superheroes already!)

"Green Lantern!"

"Huh. Well, he's more of a space cop, so I don't think he'd block many bullets. Who do you think is your favorite Green Lantern?"

"Well, I liked Ryan, but Hal was probably cooler."

"Eh, maybe as Ion. Ryan's costume is cooler though." (For those who want to know, Ion is like the Green Lantern version of S.W.A.T.)

"Excuse me!" the Pirate who says Ni shouted.

"Oh. Sorry." Jack said. 'Were you saying something?"

"I should think so! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

"Oh, would you stop, it does almost nothing, savvy?"

"Ah! Don't say that word!"

"What? What word?"

"Being a knight who says Ni, I cannot say the word, least to say that the word is one which we the knights who say Ni hate the most!"

"How can I not say it if you won't tell me it?"

"Ah! You said it twice! Ah! I said it! I did it again! AHHHH!"

"Let's go. They're useless."

"Wait! If you seek the Fountain of Youth, you must perform a task for the Knights who say Ni!"

"Name yer terms.'

"You must get us…pause, pause, pause, A shrubbery!"

"Huh?"

"Then you must cut down the tallest mast with…pause, pause, pause, a herring!"

"Screw it! It is impossible! It can't be done in a million years, Nor will I demean myself by doing it!" captain Jack continued making comments with the word which cannot be said by the Knights who say ni, the Pirates of ni fell down, dying. "C'mon Hector." The Co-captains walked away.

Next: pause…pause, pause, pause, The Return of Sean Connery! And the Religion of Blah! (yes, Blah, ye whom has little faith in the blah! Note: the religion of blah is legally not a religion.)