Monty Python and the fountain of Youth
I don't own.
Chapter 5: the Religion of Blah!
Jack and Barbossa stopped when they saw several monks chanting 'blah, blah, blah, oh glory of blah,' and sniffing highlighters. They approached the most decorated.
"Oi!"
"Stop!" he cried, holding up hand, startling Jack and Hector, who jumped backwards with girly screams. The monk turned to the co-captains, then put on his wire-frame glasses. "I am the High Priest of blah. Know that my blah is the greatest of all blahs, and no blah, nor smite, nor pirate, can match it. Now, what seeketh you?"
Jack and Hector glanced at each other.
"You have a name?"
"There are some who call me…Bill."
"Hi Bill!" Jack said, smiling and giving him a wave.
"Hi fruit." Bill said mockingly, smiling and waving. Jack ignored the comment.
"We seek the Fountain of Youth, know anything about it?"
"Hmm…" Bill made a show of stroking his chin, "The Fountain of Youth. Seek you the bridge of most horrible nastiness, Which lies over the set of Episode III lava scene. Now in theatres." Bill said in rapid-fire geek talk.
"Thanks very much."
"But!" Bill descended into crappy Irish accent mode. "If ye favor yeself men of valor, know that a horrible nashty, most cuddly little beasht ye ever did she, guards the entrance to the cave which liesh beyond! The bones of fifty full men, and various legionsh of inshects, lie 'bout it'sh lair!"
"How would we defeat that?" Jack asked Barbossa, who shrugged.
"Bill also puzzles this. Oh! The golden hand grenade! 'tis one of the holy grails of pirate lore, carried last by Captain Teague Sparrow! Have that and you have the ultimate weapon! Go, go and fetch his aid, then precede to the bridge, I shall meet you at the cave." Bill and his entourage walked away.
"Bye Bill!"
"Ah, shut up, you fruity!" Bill called back, with out looking over his shoulder.
&&&
The Black Pearl sailed, and retrieved Teague Sparrow, who took with him, Morgan and Bartholomew, the carriers of the codex, and the dog with the keys with a natch for disappearing and reappearing that disturbed Jack and Hector.
The next thing Jack knew, they were at the bridge of horrible nastiness. (I screwed the order up, but I want to screw it up, to separate it somewhat from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.) Jack led the skeleton party, which included Teague, Jack, Hector, Raghetti, Pintel, Will, and Elizabeth.
"Listen,' Barbossa started, "Soon as you answer the five questions-"
"Three." Will corrected.
"Three questions, you may cross the bridge of horrible nastiness."
"And if you get one wrong?" Elisabeth asked.
"You are cast into the gorge of eternal ikkiness."
"Oh. Who goes first?" Pintel asked.
"Jack!" Barbossa cried.
"What?" Jack cried back.
They pushed him forward into the bridge keeper.
"Oi! You're Sean Connery! And the guy from scene twenty-four!"
"Shtop! He who crosh the bridge of death musht anshar me theshe questions three, may the other shide he she." Sean Connery sat there, nodding and grinning.
Jack smiled and waved him on.
Sean kept on nodding and grinning.
"Ask me the questions, mate."
"Oh, yesh, the questionsh. What ish your name?"
"Captain Jack Sparrow."
"What ish your quesht?"
"To find the Fountain of Youth."
"What…ish your favorite color?"
"Blue."
"Is that your final anshar?"
"Yes."
"You may pash."
"Oh. Thanks."
Barbossa ran to the bridge keeper.
"Shtop! He who crossh the bridge of Death musht ansher me these questionsh three, may the other shide he she."
"Ask me the bloody questions."
"What ish your name?"
"Hector Barbossa."
"What ish your quesht?"
"To find the Holy grail!"
"What…ish the capitol of Asyria?"
"Syria."
Sean's mouth dropped. "You knew that?"
"I'm from the Caspian sea, what do you expect?"
Barbossa walked past Connery.
Pintel looked at his companions. "That's easy!"
He rushed to the bridge keeper.
"What ish your name?"
"Pintel."
"What ish your quesht?"
"To find the Holy grail."
"Wrong movie, punk!" Pintel was suddenly shot upwards, and bounced off the ground like it was a trampoline, instead of falling into the gorge.
"Dammit!" Connery called.
Will approached him.
"What ish your name?"
"Will Turner."
"What'sh your quesht?"
"To get my heart back in its actual body."
"What'sh the fun in that?"
"That's a trick question!"
"What?" Connery was suddenly thrown into the gorge of eternal ikkiness.
Sean Connery suddenly jumped back.
"Shtop, bonus queshtion! What…it the flight speed of an un-laden swallow?"
"African or European swallow?"
"I don't know that!" Sean suddenly fell through a hole in the set.
"How do you know so much about swallows?" Elisabeth asked.
"Well, you need to know these things at sea." Will replied.
"Ohhhhhhh."
Next: the cave of the horrible, nasty, most cuddly beast you ever did see!